A Labyrinth

Like last year,
and the year before,
I drape myself in white,
hoping to obscure my willful sins,
from the God who sees far within,
and understands the motives even I do not.

I stand and ask to be absolved, forgiven, annulled.
I ask it for the vows I made last year,
vows I make every year,
vows I break every year,
to be better,
kinder,
and to follow the words that you have sent down to me from the mountain.
I am bold enough to ask anyways to be counted,
among the living,
among the non-suffering.

I will ask you to give,
when I have only taken,
I will ask you to live,
my God, don’t leave me forsaken.

I know every year,
I become less innocent,
though I hope more wise.
I know these scarlet spots can’t be disguised,
but if you heed my cries,
I promise this year,
I will be better,
kinder,
and follow the words that you have sent down to me from the mountain.

On this great day,
holy and high,
I promise,
at least,
at least,
I will try.

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I used a mediator,
a go between,
a messenger,
to give him back his books,
his intellectual property,
a final goodbye that I could not surmise,
the strength to do myself.

I was afraid,
his gap toothed smile would be too strong,
and as he placed his books,
on his shelf where they belong,
I would long to be his intellectual property.

I am a selfish woman,
and he is a selfless man,
and he would give me as many empty kisses as he can,
and I would feel,
feel all over again.

So I sent a messenger,
to banish his thoughts,
to send out his harsh kindness,
to tell him he can leave,
just please,
send someone,
send someone else to me,
to fill the empty space on my shelf,
the gap will remain,
till its filled by someone else.

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