A Labyrinth

Sometimes I am not even sure what I am crying about anymore.

I miss my family terribly. This week I got in the mail a letter from my mother’s parents with money and my favorite picture of my Grandfather. He is standing in front of the Louvre with his arms stretched open and mouth smiling. He looks to be about sixty in the picture. I started bawling in the entrance hall to the Ulpan. I also got a card and money for my Birthday from my dad’s parents. I haven’t heard from them at all since I moved. I figured out how to call the states from skype on my phone for cheap but I have run out of internet for the month, so I can’t call. My older brother changed his Aliyah date from August to December. My parents said they aren’t coming to visit till next Purim. I miss my mother so much. Just thinking about her makes me cry. She is a tough cookie and is mostly surprised when I say I miss her. Life at home is carrying on as normal. They took pictures of her new car and the snowstorm to show me but never sent them to me, typical. I have been babysitting to make some money this Pesach and the children in the family are a little too attached to their mother. They often cry for her even though she is only away for a few hours at a time. It takes most of my strength not to cry with them.

I am very worried about money. I have an interview for an internship at the Israel Museum after Pesach. It would be unpaid. I have been talking to a producer about possibly doing something with my music. The only thing is it has to be a fair trade, time for time, since I cannot pay him. I want to be his intern/apprentice and learn more about the business and maybe he could hire me later if the Israel Museum doesn’t. These are both opportunities that are too good to pass up. But this would mean I would be working after Ulpan for free. For several months. I am terrified. I need to save money now! So I am looking on Janglo for odd jobs. I am waiting to hear back and I am very on edge. Money is the bane of my existence.

On top of it all I am heartbroken. I have a bad habit of liking men who are “bad boys.” They are really good people who are sweet and kind but have complicated histories and baggage. They hurt me. Maybe I think I can fix them, I don’t know. All I know is that I am in pain, I have only dated guys who play guitar and I think I have a problem.

So I cry a lot.

Read Full Post »

Last weekend I went to Ranana for shabbat and on Friday I went to the Tel Aviv Museum of Art to see an exhibit. There was a show of the work of three young contemporary artists who won the privilege of being exhibited. What I saw deeply disturbed me. One artist chose to cast six Torahs five times each (for a total of thirty sculptures) in cement. He used real Torahs and they disintegrated during the process making each sculpture a unique piece. Friday happened to be the opening of the exhibit so about one hundred posh art world debutantes were shmoozing and drinking wine while my whole world collapsed. In any other country or if a non-Jewish person had made the piece, it would have been considered anti-Semitic. Why because it is by a secular Jew is this okay? Why can he defile my beliefs so blatantly? Why would I want to work in a world where people will not have respect for my values? Why exactly do I want to be a big deal curator anyway?

Another, more ambiguous piece, by a different artist was a video of religious people putting out the gates on the roads that are closed in Jerusalem for Shabbat. I found the piece sweet but for someone who is not religious it could have easily have been poking fun and the men and boys in payot (sideburns) and shtrimals (big furry hats). The same artist also did a video piece about Har Zaytim and how strange it is to reserve a plot for the living and how strange it is that Arabs dig the Jewish graves. It was interestings but I could not shake the pit in my stomach. Am I strong enough to stand up to this? Do I want to? What will I accomplish and who am I doing it for? I need to be very honest with myself right now.

I accidentally taught the wrong Parsha this week for my shiur, skipping Vayikra and going straight to Bamidbar, but it was the will of God because Nechama Lebowitz said some things I needed to hear. She talked about Kavod (respect) and the damage it can cause when people chase it blindly. Nachama related a story from Meshecat Yoma (Talmud) about two young Leviim who both wanted the priviledge of emptying the ashes from the altar. They raced, then came to blows and one pulled an knife and stabbed the other. The people worshipping in the temple were shocked by the disrespect for the space. Only one person had the sense to check and see if the young man was still alive but even he was only checking in order to see if the boy’s bleeding had defiled the Temple. The Talmud is outraged by the disrespect for a human life because of the pursuit of honor. What is honor really?

Why do I want to be a curator? Well, I will be good at it. I am good at explaining art, I love to write and research, I like museums, I like artists, etc. But perhaps I am after this invisible honor as well. When I was in America I was going to get a PhD to achieve this goal. My father still wants me to. Am I trying to impress my parents? Others? I have more goals than my professional ones. I have family goals, friends goals and most importantly, religious goals.

I often overestimate myself. I have a healthy self esteem but sometimes it is inflated. If I do not actually have the tools to accomplish what I need to, it is foolish and even dangerous to put myself into a situation where I cannot succeed. If I worked at the Tel Aviv Museum of Art and was the Dati (religious) voice I would be a single woman against an entire city. Perhaps for a while I could make a positive impact but I think that I would get beaten down. I do not have the Torah background or support to take on that task alone in secular Tel Aviv.

Yesterday I had a blind friend date. Since I have moved to Israel people kept telling me that I need to meet a girl named Ayala. She works at the Israel Museum. She is friends with at least ten of my friends in Israel. So, after nearly three months in this country and not crossing paths with her I finally got up the courage to call her. She is so nice and helpful. We talked about my experiences so far and it seems that I am, in many ways, following in her footsteps. She wants to help me get an internship at the Israel Museum. We talked about my experience at the Tel Aviv Museum of Art and she suggested that an internship at the Israel Museum would help me decide my true path. The Israel Museum is in Jerusalem and their attitude is very different than Tel Aviv. Ayala, intelligently, said that I should make sure I take my time making big decisions and really get to know what is out there.

The Haftarah for Bamidbar is in Hosea. God tells the people to call him Ishi (my man) instead of Baali (my master). Both words also mean husband. In addition, Baal was the name of an idol that the Jewish people were worshiping at the time. If you interpret Baal to mean the idol than the pasuk (verse) is telling us that the Jewish people actually redefined who God was to be Baal instead of just rejecting God for Baal. This is something that happens all the time. We redefine God instead of accepting him the way he tells us to (we also often redefine people instead of accepting and recognizing them for who they are). Many confused people (many of them artists in all mediums) try to rely on their own mind to define God instead of God’s own definition of himself and how he should be worshipped. The Haftarah also says that the people went after their lovers (Baal was a fertility god) so they could get from them oil and wheat. Baal means master and the relationship to him was one of a master and slave. They would do whatever they thought the god wanted in order to have their physical desires satisfied. This is a danger in all relationships. It is important to ask yourself always, am I pursuing this relationship for personal satisfaction or for a higher, more meaningful connection? Am I apologizing to ease my heart or theirs? Am I giving only to receive? God has so much to offer and he wants us to see him as Ishi, not Baali. He can gives us our physical desires but if that is all we ask for than we will be greatly deprived of a more meaningful relationship. We will constantly be chasing lovers who do not actually give us what we need, because all along it is God behind the scenes who is actually caring for us.

Parents tell their children not to do dangerous things because the parents love their children and do not want them to get hurt. Sometimes it is hard for children to see the wisdom of their parents and to understand why they cannot get too close to the fire. The fire is warm, it is bright and it is so beautiful. Wouldn’t it be fabulous to touch it? And then you get burned. And your parents scold you but only because they love you and it hurts them that you got hurt. And that you didn’t trust them.

Maybe, I need to trust more. Maybe, I need to be more careful to trust the right people and to trust God. Maybe, I need to trust my own intuition more. I think I need to take this opportunity to stay in Jerusalem and grow stronger spiritually so I can find answers to some of my existential questions.

I turn twenty-four on zayin Nissan. Twenty-four is still pretty young and I have a lot to learn.

Read Full Post »