A Labyrinth

I am an open book,
the only reason you have trouble reading me,
is that we speak,
different languages.
Mine is a Sublime Romantic,
and your’s,
Tactical Germanic.
We don’t even recognize the same characters.
And lets not forget grammar,
and sentence structure.
And the fact that,
we both tend to break the rules.

So here we are,
two eloquent figures,
gesturing,
groping for meaning,
and the poetry,
is sure to be lost,
in translation.

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Cool breeze,
hair brushing cheek,
spine leans on tree,
decompress,
decide to want less,
and need more,
lift feet from the floor,
fly in the mind,
to a faraway place,
fear and loneliness cannot find.

Are you chasing me there?
I can fit in the smallest spaces.
If you are not swift,
I will lose you.

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If you smile at her,
I’ll just leave,
passive aggressively,
inwardly,
I’ll seethe.
My ego can’t take the hit,
too weak.

Need to be pursued,
can’t bear to feel confused,
need to feel safe,
arms perpetually open,
wide,
agape.

I am a woman,
and I’m sensitive,
not competitive.
I am a woman,
and I won’t stand another fish in your sea,
stealing my oxygen,
can’t breathe.
I won’t compete.
I am a woman,
and if you make me choose,
fight or flight,
I’ll just leave.

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I imagine I am developing quite a crush on you,
its the way that you move,
that you do what you do,
they way that you are so kind to me,
the way that you wind and unwind me.

I wonder if it is too late now.
I found the need to reassess,
but I wonder if my affections will be disavowed,
because it took me a while to process,

And maybe you liked me once,
but now you are over this?

I imagine my head nestled in your clavicle,
a soft check,
on muscle.
I imagine your arms curving,
turning into your hands,
wrapping me,
protectively.

I imagine.
I fall in love again.

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In this world that continuously teaches,
women to be terrified,
his soft hands,
and,
kind words,
make her eyes flicker,
with lightening,
her muscles tightening.
Her heart consumed with thunder,
searching for cover,
over and under.
Her temples flood,
rapid force rivers of rumbling blood.
Prickling all over her body,
adrenaline hot,
stabbing her nerve endings,
frayed and fraught.
Violent awakenings,
of feelings,
instincts,
and such,
all from the sound of his voice,
and his soft, gentle touch.

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Learn to relinquish.
Accept uncertainty.

Welcome the gales of God,
thrown in your direction.
Let go of the tiny sapling,
you have been frantically nourishing with unchecked affection,
and be willing,
to once again be a seed,
taken,
perhaps to more fertile ground.

If you stop desperately clinging
you might grow bigger somewhere new,
bigger than here,
would have ever allowed.

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When my mother the mourner,
updates me about my father’s father,
slowly dying,
I swallow my lips to keep from crying,
until she hangs up,
and the geyser bursts,
sputters,
and spurts.

When my roommate’s boyfriend,
asked me about the one that already died,
I swallowed my breath,
and gave myself hiccups,
so I wouldn’t cry.

I hold it in, why?

Why don’t I confront death head on?
I say that it is for everyone else’s sake that I stay strong.
That I do it so that no one else feels bad,
because I wouldn’t want to be the type of person who makes you sad.
But sometimes I am not sure if that is the truth,
there is a chance,
I am doing my best to keep it at a distance,
for me,
because I cannot bear to see,
the sickle or the noose.

I am allergic,
to this sadness.
I do not have the strength,
the natural antibodies,
to battle this.
I think maybe if I ignore it,
it will go away,
but that attitude is why,
one is near death,
and the other died.

We are obviously related.

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