A Labyrinth

A year ago today I moved to Israel. It has been a rocky ride but as my brother can now attest to, I am much happier here than I ever was in the States. I know I often complain about my love life (or lack there of) and career (or lack there of) but spiritually, emotionally and socially I am satisfied.

My brother’s flight was delayed seven hours and he didn’t land till 12:30 am. Buses to the airport don’t run that late and the only shared taxi I could get on short notice got me to the airport at 11 pm. I brought a book and a blanket. I bought a smiley face balloon when I got the the airport and sat down. Around 12:30 am I got up to make sure I would be able to see him when he came out. He did not get out until 3:30 am. I sat there with a roaring headache banging the damn balloon on my head to pass the time. I was very relieved to see him and we both tried our best not to be grumpy with each other and appreciate what each had been through to see each other at that moment. He bought me beautiful earings as a gift for all the help I have and will give him in this transition. I hope that I will be able to make it less stressful and more emotionally stable than mine.

The only good thing about his delay was that now we have the same Aliyah date. I think that is kinda nice.

Anyways, I begged them to let me in the taxi back with him (usually only the new immigrants are allowed in the free taxi to their destination) and because of the odd hour they let me go. We got to his place at 5 in the morning and unfortunately woke one of his roommates. I came to pick him up at 11 am to run errands but he didn’t answer the door, so I went to sign a contract for a secretarial job I was offered (I have a job!) and then went back. He opened the door and we rushed to the bank before it closed for lunch. After the bank I treated him to a burger from his favorite burger joint and then we went to get him a phone. We walked around a bit to get him some bearings downtown and then seperated so I could go to work for four hours this evening.

He decided to go buy coffee for himself and beer for his roommates and then he wants to go to the old city to pray. We got along really well today. I really hope we continue this way, I am enjoying his company a lot.

Tonight I have a big party with all my friends who moved at the same time as me. I hope to be awake enough to hang out for an hour or so but I don’t think I feel well enough to drink and besides my last day at the gallery, I also have a radio interview tomorrow about my Aliyah with Israel’s biggest radio station.

The Torah portion this week is about the beginning of the 10 plagues and while I don’t feel my life directly relates to that subject right now, my reuniting and getting along with my brother reminds me a little of the new relationship between Aharon and Moshe. They have not seen each other for a very long time and although Aharon is older and could resent that Moshe is the leader they coexisit and help each other and seem to be very comfortable in their new relationship. They rely on each other for their individual strengths and use their combined prowress to tackle great obstacles. I hope that my brother will make it easier to conquer my obstacles and vis versa just like Aharon and Moshe.

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I don’t have the strength to write about the parsha. Come next week I will be completely unemployed. I quit the bar last week because it was hurting my soul. They say you can know a man through three things: his pocket, his anger and his cup. I saw all three at the bar and a lot of times it was not so great. It was making me bitter. Also, despite popular belief, it is not fun to fend off men all night while you are trying to make a buck. The day after I quit the bar my boss at the gallery called me to tell me that he would not be able to give me any hours after he closes his second store unlike the fifteen hours a week he had previously been promising me. I had an interview at the museum a day after that and this morning I got the call that they would not be able to give me work either. I am royally screwed. I had an interview on Friday for a personal assistant position and several friends are trying to pass my name on for other secretarial positions but as far as I know I am unemployed in a week. I have the ulcers to prove it. I wrote a message to my advisor at Nefesh B’ Nefesh to ask how to make an appointment with the unemployment office. I feel like a huge failure as a person. Oh, and my brother is coming three days. I really wanted to be the strong one for him but it looks like just as he arrives I will be completely falling apart. Welcome to Israel darling, I am a basket case.

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This week we finished the first book of the Torah, Bereshit. There were many themes introduced during this first book that stood out to Orli and I as we were learning but one of the most prominent seemed to be the methodical breaking down of the “cult of the first born.”

It seems that first born children are afforded special love, privileges and responsibilities. There is something special about having your line passed down and this first male allows for that opportunity. However, in Bereshit, not one first born gets the leadership role in the end. All the male role models except for Adam are second children or, in the case of Yehuda and Yosef even further in the middle. (Even in the case of Adam, it is possible to read the literal words and see Adam as the second incarnation of Man.) It almost seems unfair. I understand that the oldest should not always be afforded this special love, privilege and responsibility, but maybe at least once? I think the Torah is really trying to teach us that we must evaluate each child according to his or her abilities and be careful not to have favorites. However, even as the Torah continues you will be hard pressed to find a first born leader. There is something about the natural pressure and expectation put on a first born that actually makes them ineligible.

My best friends Chaim and Leora are due to have their first child in about a month. Leora expressed that she wished she could have only middle children. Leora, Chaim and I are all second children born to first born parents. We are intimately familiar with the way birth placement affects personality. First borns do have a lot more pressure than their siblings, they are the trial child and they have to face the shock of sharing their parents attention when they were once the sole focus. It is not easy to be a first child. It is a position that naturally affords stress, jealousy and unreasonable expectations on a child. It seems that the whole Torah is trying to show that we need to be extra careful and sensitive to the first borns. To try extra hard to treat them like the rest of the family while allaying their fears and stress.

My older brother is moving here in a week and a half. While he and I have the rockiest relationship out of all my brothers I love him with a very great love. He is a good person who has been through a lot with my parents. I believe he has felt all the classic hardships that a first born faces and he has come out pretty well. It has been very hard for us because I am naturally more of a leader than he is. It is hard for him to appreciate that because it feels like I am stealing his thunder. I sincerely hope that moving out of my parents house and being here will give him a chance to shine without any of our family’s shadows glowering over him. I am going to try my best to be there for him without being suffocating. Of course, this will not be an easy task for me. I have been here without family for a year. I have great surges of Jewish Mother Syndrome when I think about him. But I think my busy schedule will mean he gets space to breathe. I love you Big Brother.

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