A Labyrinth

A few months after I broke up with my college boyfriend, I made a list of character traits that I wanted to see in myself and my future mate (many of you are familiar with this list because I sent it to you). The number one trait and the most important was ‘confidence devoid of arrogance.’ Lets face it ladies and gentlemen, confidence is sexy, but the line between confidence and arrogance is dangerously thin. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I am a person who is blessed with good looks, an outgoing personality, talent, intelligence, drive and education. I am also blessed that people often notice these things and it can be easy for it all to go to my head. Arrogance is recognizing all your great qualities and relishing in them, confidence is doing that but recognizing when others around you are awesome as well and paying them their due. Confidence is recognizing that you are good at something and displaying it without bragging and giving others credit for their part as well. Confidence is devoting your faculties to good, because you want to serve God and those around you, not only because you want honor.

This week’s parsha introduces us, in a very personal way, the growth of two future leaders from immature, untethered adolescents into confident, strong, sensitive and capable men.

Yosef is my favorite character in all of the Torah and not only because he is ridiculously good looking and I can sympathize with that. 🙂 We are first introduced to Yosef the tattle tale. Mistake number one of the arrogant is putting down others to make themselves seem greater. Yosef goes and tells on his brothers to gain his father’s favor. (Apology to my older brother for doing the same thing as a kid; sorry man.) He is his father’s favorite son. His brother’s hate him for it and instead of trying to fix that he goes and brags about his dreams. He has no reason except for self aggrandizement to share these dreams with them. Yosef does not mention God or give credit to anyone else but himself for these dreams. There are a lot of ‘I’s in these sentences about the dream. Even Yaacov chides him a bit for them. It says his brothers envied him and it seems here Yaacov finally senses an issue and keeps in mind that the brothers are jealous. To try to make amends he sends spoiled Yosef to go find them and help them in the fields.

While Yosef is on the way, the brothers plot to leave him in a pit. Reuven says not to but kind of makes the situation worse, because he merely suggests they change from murder to manslaughter and doesn’t trust his brothers to keeps private his wish to save Yosef. When Yosef comes, they act in a mob fashion, no dialogue takes place, they act in unison and take his special jacket and throw him into a pit. Yehuda suggests that they make a profit off of him by selling him to passing marauders. While the brothers have no response for Reuven they listen to Yehuda. Yehuda actually does say that they should not kill Yosef because he is their brother and their flesh. He is a compelling person with a natural gift of leadership which in this case he uses to make an extra buck selling his brother. (How many times have my brothers tried to sell me? I have lost count.) Then it says that Reuven returned to the pit, saw Yosef wasn’t there and tore his clothing. He was concerned not for Yosef but himself, “where will I go?” Well, where was he before when this all went down? We don’t hear about him leaving ever. I think he never actually left. He became part of the mob and after it was over, he became an individual again and realized that as the oldest he was responsible for what happened. In the meantime, Yaacov is inconsolable and Yehuda leaves.

Now we get the story of Yehuda and Tamar. Yehuda has three sons with a Kanaanite woman. He marries the first off to a woman named Tamar. The only information we get about her is her name. The first son is killed by God because he is wicked. We do not know what he did to make him wicked. Yehuda tells his son to do “Yibum” which is when a brother marries his dead, childless brother’s wife and the resulting first born is dedicated to the deceased. The second son doesn’t want to have his brother’s child (which is some kind of weird hatred) and he is killed by God for spilling his seed and not impregnating Tamar. Yehuda is afraid to lose his third son and tells Tamar that she must wait until he is more grown up. Tamar waits but does not receive her promised husband. So she takes matter into her own hands, dresses as a prostitute, seduces Yehuda who’s wife just died and conceives. When Yehuda finds out she is pregnant and does not know that he is the father, he orders that she be burnt. She sends him the staff and the ring that he gave her and he admits his error. Then she has twins, Zerach and Pertez. Zerech sticks his hand out first but then in what seems to be an act of infant humility lets his brother go first and from Peretz we get the Davidic line of kings. Yehuda learns to admit error and to be sensitive to other peoples needs in this story. As some sort of symbol, we learn about his twins where the older seems to recognize that the younger is more suited to be the predecessor of the kings and pulls back.

Meanwhile back at the ranch (which is a great children’s book that ya’ll should read), Yosef ends up in Potiphars house. Yosef recognizes God’s presence with him. He could have ended up in any house in Egypt but he ended up the servant of a courtier who liked him and was a good boss. Yosef ends up second in command. Dashingly goodlooking, the wife of his boss desires him and tries to seduce him. Then she frames him as the seducer and her gets thrown into jail. At this point Yosef has learned how to gain people’s favor and gained a little humility so he became a favorite in the prison. Suddenly sensitive, Yosef sees that two of his inmates are looking down and asks them what’s wrong. They explain that they have had dreams of significance but no can interpret them. Yosef tells them that interpretations are from God and goes on to interpret that the butler will end up back in Pharaoh’s house and the baker on the gallows. It is very important that he gives God credit here. This is no long the Yosef of ‘I.’ Yosef asks the butler to remember him but he doesn’t, in facts he forgets Yosef for two years. It is important for Yosef to realize the value of hard work, of sensitivity and then to realize that even though he is blessed with good looks, an outgoing personality, talent, intelligence, drive and education, he could easily be completely forgotten in a prison. God gives us all that we have.

It is important to note that God did not immediately throw Yosef into prison. He had to slowly be lowered into that lowest spot in order to realize that God is with him and that this is a lesson for him to learn from. Similarly, with Yehuda he had to be taught in a sly way to be able to admit when he is wrong and use his leadership powers for good only. He would not have been able to change any other way. God does not give us experiences that we are not capable of working through and the experiences that we have, no matter how difficult are there to help us grow and learn how to serve God and those around us with all our faculties. This is the line we must walk. We must recognize our capabilities, which are many, and then focus them in a righteous direction.

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I have been robbed. No not my heart, I usually just give that one away. My phone was stolen. I was sitting in the gallery reading my New Yorker when all of a sudden I couldn’t find my phone. I thought I left it in the hotel next door where I use the restroom. I made friends with a cute guard named Elad (Kippah=bullseye!) but still didn’t find the phone. This morning, I asked my boss if there was anyway to check the videos to see when I lost it. Then I watched it five times. My phone was stolen. Some bastard in a pink polo stole my phone right off my desk while an old lady with her back turned to him was looking at some lithographs. I feel violated. I called my boss, the cell phone company and the police. On Sunday my boss is going to put the videos on my thumb drive so I can bring them to the police. Stupid bastard, don’t rob institutions with cameras.

Revenge will be sweet for me if they catch him. But sometimes revenge does not really help. In this week’s parsha Dena, the daughter of Leah born to Yaacov is raped. She goes out to see the girls of the land. She just wants to see what other people are like outside her family. She commited no sin, you really can’t blame the victim this time (or ever, no one ever asks to be raped and I have gotten harrassed while wearing high collars, longs sleeves and long skirts).

She is called a naarah (young teen) by the Torah and yaldah (young girl) by her rapist. When the Torah calls her naarah it leaves off the letter “hey” which would feminize the word, leaving me to believe that she was not even fully developed, she still had the body of a prepubescent boy. This is seriously sick. But Shechem, her rapist, decides he loves her and wants her for a wife. So, he asks his dad to ask Yaacov. Yaacov does not respond. Both Dena and Yaacov do not speak during this entire exchange. Dena never regains her voice. She never speaks. It is as if she was taken from this world through his actions. So, Shechem approaches the brothers instead. They say that he and the whole city must become circumcised and then they can intermarry. Here we see the entire city is corrupt and gross because they rush to, well basically, mutilate themselves in order to sleep with the women of Yaacov’s house. Dena’s brothers, Shimon and Levi, kill all the men in the entire city on the third day after their circumcision when they were weak. They took all the women, children and property. Yaacov does not reprimand them for killing, or for pillaging, all he says is “shame on you for putting the family in danger because now the other nations will hate us.” The brothers respond, “should he treat our sister like a Harlot?”

Wow, this is some kind of story. God doesn’t punish the brothers, in fact he protects the family from the nations around, fear is struck in them. So, did the brothers do the right thing? And what is the deal with Yaacov’s silence? And can we please take a moment to mourn the soul of Dena, please? Please? Well, all the characters acted normally. Many rape victims are forced into themselves and totally lose reality when they are robbed. Many parents go into denial. Many friends and families lust for revenge without considering the effect it has on the victim. Many rapists don’t see their crime. Many friends of rapists are absorbed in rape culture and also cannot see the damage.

Did they deserve to die? There are three sins for which a Jewish person is supposed to die instead of doing; murder, sexual immorality and idol worship. Well, in my opinion, rape is murder and sexual immorality. So maybe they did all deserve to die. But, I don’t think that Shimon and Levi, necessarily had the proper intent. They were fueled by their anger, not by what would be good for Dena. These executions did not save her. They were not done for her. They were done to resolve the guilt, rage and shame in Shimon and Levi. Dena still has no voice.

There are many victims out there without a voice to speak. There are many victims. More than we can ever know. I have many friends who have been raped and overcame and live beautiful lives. However, the person they were before is dead. Their rainbows, butterflies and sunshine are tainted with feelings they don’t derserve to feel. So what can you do about it? Leave doors open for them to come in but don’t force them. Hold their hand if they want it but don’t push them. Teach your sons not to rape.

Please send me your phone numbers and some faith in humanity to replace what I lost. Thanks.

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There is a ton of manipulation, abuse and human fabricated misery in this Parsha. Vayetzay is the story of Yaacov’s sojourn with his uncle Lavan.

Yaacov runs from his murderous brother to his uncle’s home to find a wife. On the way, he stops to rest and has a crazy dream where angels climb on ladders and God talks to Yaacov for the first time. It is interesting that God speaks to Yaacov in a dream for the first time and not directly. In addition, God doesn’t speak to Yaacov until after he has been officially passed the birthright. In Yaacov’s dream, God assures Yaacov that he will be with him in all that he does, will take care of him and that he will come home. This is really important. When someone leaves their comfort zone and has no idea what they will face it can become hard to trust God. (The phenomenon where people make Aliyah and then become less religious is really not so much of a phenomenon.) Yaacov will have no family support or community in Laban’s home. In fact, he will face animosity and abuse. He needed to hear from God that it will be okay. Interestingly, Yaacov wakes from the dream terrified and aknowledges that God is in that place and he didn’t know it. For Yaacov, God was his father’s home. Now, Yaacov sees that God is everywhere and he really is the next patriarch. God gives Yaacov the strength to prevail.

The first person Yaacov sees is Rachel. Why is Rachel watching the sheep? This is the first place that a woman is mentioned as a shepherdess or working at all. She is the younger sister and we know she has brothers because they are mentioned later on. Moreover, she is beautiful and well-liked, it may not be safe for her to be out there alone. The Torah mentions that Leah was a cry baby, perhaps she cried her way out of this responsibilty? Was Leah the favored sister for Lavan? Perhaps, Lavan wanted to use Rachel’s beauty to manipulate people, to show off or he didn’t particularly like her (they have a very strange relationship, I mean why does she steal the idols later?). Yaacov kisses Rachel when he sees her and then cries. Everyone makes a huge deal out of the kiss but other mentions of kissing are always non-sexual. He kisses Lavan and Esav as well. Yaacov’s tears are very moving, that is what really touched me in this pasuk. Yaacov has just run away from his family who he has never left and been on a tough journey. His relief upon seeing her must have been enormous. As someone who hasn’t seen her family in almost a year, I totally get it. I plan to cry when I see my kid brother in a week. I will definitely hug and kiss him too. I think Yaacov’s behavior was completely normal.

In Lavan’s house Yaacov faces some of the most severe emotional abuse ever. Lavan means white. Why was this manipulative, selfserving, disgusting man named such by the Torah? Lavan’s sort of evil is the pathological deceptive kind. He wants to look like the righteous one while ruining the lives of all those around him for his own benefit. He pretends to be pure.

First, Lavan tricks Yaacov into marrying both his daughters in order to get him to work for him longer (WTF, why does he even have to work for them??). This is not only cruel to Yaacov but also to the women, because sisters should never marry the same man, it only sets the stage for devestating resentment and jealousy. We will see later that the two women do not have a healthy relationship with their father and he uses them for his own gain and honor.

Leah and Rachel suffer at each other’s hand. They name their children keeping in mind that they are besting each other. When Rachel sees that Leah has children and she does not she tells Yaacov to give her children or she will die. She is saying that it is his fault. Yaacov repremands her and tells her to go to God and that it is not his fault that she is barren, essentially implying that it is her fault. WOW, not cool Yaacov. Interestingly, niether of them pray to God. Instead Rachel gives her maidservant to Yaacov and he sleeps with her. Bilha gives them Dan and Naphtali. The second son was named Naphtali because, “I have wrestled with my sister and I have prevailed.” Oh, man. That can’t be good. Then there is the episode with the mandrakes. Whatever they are, they cause the two sisters to quarrel again and Leah says, “Is it a small matter that thou has taken my husband?” Oh dear. This does not seem like a happy home. Everyone is blaming everyone else for their issues and no one seems to be asking for help from God. Finally, Rachel has Yosef and things appear to settle down.

Yaacov wants to leave but Lavan sees that he is getting rich and twists his arm into staying. Lavan offers to give Yaacov stuff so that he can take care of his household but Yaacov has worked for Lavan for fourteen years already and he knows that with Lavan, there is always a price to pay. So, he insists on working for his keep and comes up with a fair way of being paid. Yaacov says he will take the speckled and spotted animals and Lavan will get the plain ones. Lavan agrees. Yaacov gets rich and starts to hear Lavan’s sons talk bad about him. He calls an emergency covert meeting with Rachel and Leah in the fields (I love that he includes them in the decision). He tells them how Lavan has deceived and cheated him (his son-in-law!) and tells them that God told him that it is time to go (again in a dream). Rachel and Leah respond that Lavan has already taken away their inheritence and treats them like strangers and they have no reason to stay. They steal away in the night.

Its takes Lavan three days to find out that they are gone. I guess he didn’t break bread with them often. He had to be told they had left. Lavan pursues Yaacov. He has a dream where God tells him not to speak good or bad to Yaacov. God knows that Lavan will say things in a manipulative way and he will state that what he is saying is “good” but that it is only ever self-serving. Lavan finds Yaacov and asks him why he has run away with his daughters as captives! What chutzpah! In the next few paragraphs, Lavan calls the women his daughters many many times, trying to seem like the wounded father. He treated them like strangers! He didn’t know they were gone till someone told him! Then Lavan has the gall to accuse Yaacov of stealing his idols (Rachel stole them) when he knows very well that Yaacov did not steal them and hearing that someone in his household did would heartbreak him. Well, Yaacov isn’t taking it anymore and gives him what for. Yaacov tells Lavan that he worked hard, through the night and day, the changes in wages, the wild beasts, etc. Lavan’s reaction: That’s mine, all that you have is mine, the girls are mine, the sheep are mine, the cattle is mine, mine, mine, mine. We really see his true colors. But then, they make a pact and Lavan makes a border. He says derisively, “No harm will come to me if I don’t cross the border, and no harm will come to you if you don’t cross the border.” He sounds like the mafia. Well, they eat a feast and Lavan leaves.

Lavan is by far the worst person the Torah has thus encountered. Ishmael and Esav are tortured souls for sure but they seem to be trying to cope with a pretty crappy hand that they have been dealt. Lavan is just evil. Pure manipulative, abusive evil. Unfortunately, these behaviors are not foreign. I know I have been at the recieving end of such passive aggressive abuse many times in my life and I am sure many of you have as well. It often can be hard to recognize. I think this parsha, through Lavan, not only teaches us how not to act but also how to recognize and stand up for yourself against such abuse. Love should not be unconditional. Love is only valid to uphold if it also comes with respect, empathy, goodwill and joy. And if you cannot teach those you love to treat you correctly, then you should leave them. Plain and simple.

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