It’s Time to Rethink the Bucket-List Retirement

In the search for the next big adventure, retirees are too often missing out on the most fulfilling aspects of later life

Marc E. Agronin

Updated March 20, 2016 10:36 p.m. ET

For many seniors, the bucket list has become the ultimate celebration of aging.

Healthier, heartier and richer than generations of retirees before them, they’re spending their golden years chasing once-in-a-lifetime adventures—sky diving from 13,000 feet, hiking the Great Wall of China, swimming with sharks or skiing the Andes. For them, it’s the chance to do things they put off for years while working and caring for family, and to make the most of the moments they have remaining.

What’s not to love about a life of dream vacations and big thrills?

Unfortunately, quite a bit.

As a therapist, I’ve talked to numerous seniors as both patients and colleagues. Rather than feeling exhilarated by a life of bucket-list adventures, they often end up feeling depressed and disconnected.

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As they travel the world to soak up experiences, too many seniors inevitably lose track of what really matters—their connections to family, friends and community. They feel like strangers in their own homes. Eventually, the bucket list becomes something of an addiction: The high from an adventure doesn’t last, so seniors find themselves piling on experiences to keep the thrills coming, further alienating them from real life back home.

There’s a way out of this trap. Retirees should think about using all of the advantages that make a bucket list possible, such as wealth and vigor, to build something much deeper and more meaningful. Instead of taking a dream vacation to chase fleeting thrills, they should use their time to create something more lasting instead—whether that means building bonds with family or their community or reimagining travel adventures as an opportunity to share experiences and wisdom with grandchildren.

The explorer comes home

All of this can be seen in the tale of a patient of mine, whom I’ll call Dora to protect her identity.

She and her husband spent several months and considerable treasure each year after retirement traveling to a bucket list of exotic locales, but found themselves feeling increasingly alienated from family and friends who did not share in their adventures. Their children complained that they seemed more interested in spending time with itinerant acquaintances than with their grandchildren. Several friends became reticent to invite them on weekend outings, fearing that any such plans paled in comparison with their many adventures.

Dora and her husband began to see life between trips as boring interludes. They were world travelers untethered from any deeply satisfying social, civic or spiritual connections and responsibilities.

During her first appointment, Dora regaled me with stories of her travels but also described symptoms of depression. She saw these trips as both thrilling and empowering triumphs over her aging self, as escapes from her fears and perceived failures.

But in time, she also began to see her bucket list as an antidote devoid of any enduring communion with family or friends. It didn’t give her any roles as a guide or mentor that had been so satisfying earlier in life. She felt like a spectator to the lives and locales of others, collecting hundreds of photos that were destined to sit unseen in the myriad flash drives she brought home.

The solution? She and her husband all but gave up the bucket-list approach. They are now spending more time with family and friends, and feel much happier and more connected.

Illustration: Stephen Webster for The Wall Street Journal

Forget thrills

It is easy to see, of course, the powerful forces that make the bucket list so enticing these days. Along with longer lifespans and more cash to spend, retirees have more freedom from day-to-day obligations, now that so many family members live at a great distance from each other. The world has also gotten flatter and the Internet has made arranging travel easier, making it possible to live out fantasies that would have been almost unthinkable 20 to 30 years ago. Besides, the experiences can, of course, be extraordinary.

But chasing bucket-list thrills ignores a deep psychological truth: You don’t need to make yourself happy in old age. We get happier naturally as we grow older.

Several key surveys, including the U.S. General Social Survey and the Gallup Healthways Well-Being Index, have found that well-being starts out quite high in early adulthood, reaches a nadir in midlife and then increases to a peak in our later years. The increased happiness doesn’t come through doing but simply through being. It is the natural result of lower expectations and ambition, less emotional volatility, increased gratitude and acceptance and enhanced problem-solving skills.

In fact, the need for a bucket list goes against our deepest instincts as we age. Older brains are less influenced by novelty-seeking and more by conscientiousness; they are less impetuous and more emotionally stable. They are somewhat slower in data processing but more experienced and careful and less ideological.

What’s more, in living out one’s later years as a series of memorable and momentous adventures, people are making a choice to focus on what one can do instead of what one can be. And that leads to isolation and depression, as with my patient Dora.

Dream bigger

So what’s the alternative? In some sense, having a bucket list isn’t in theory such a bad thing. The key is what’s on that bucket list.

Retirees, for instance, should ask themselves a series of questions when planning an activity: What is my mission? Is it simply to have fun? To spend time with a partner? To learn about history or a geographic location?

The answers will show the depth and meaning of the activity within one’s life, and predict its impact on others. Some of our dearest pursuits bring the most meaning and joy because they are done for others. Being mindful of our motives and our legacy enables us to see ourselves as part of a bigger picture that extends beyond our own lifetime.

Previously in Encore

How Technology Will Transform Retirement (November 2015)
To Age Well, Change How You Feel About Aging (October 2015)
Make the Most of Longer Lives (June 2015)
Why Everything You Think About Aging May Be Wrong (November 2014)

Very often, thinking this way leads people to give up notions of traveling the world to seek adventure. Instead, they tap their strengths and become mentors and role models—whether as volunteers, community leaders or care givers. Though these roles are sometimes discounted as conventional, staid pathways, they offer meaning and excitement that adventure travel doesn’t.

I regularly hear this perspective from the older volunteers at the nursing home where I work: Their days are filled with life-affirming, gut-satisfying deeds.

Becoming more involved with family is another option. Forget the one-time swim with dolphins or sharks and instead spend time teaching a grandchild to swim or fish. These activities require considerable investment in time, energy and emotion. But they offer a way to forge life-sustaining connections and inspiration in an era when there are no longer many multigenerational households and most of our elders are increasingly segregated into their own communities.

Or consider taking bucket-list adventures, but imbue them with purpose. Instead of embarking on a trip to Antarctica, for example, why not a family excursion to a destination that will engage children and grandchildren and teach them about their history and heritage?

Vigorous and vital

This approach is embodied by my retired neighbors who take each of their three grandchildren on their own annual outing based on shared research, selection and preparation. As a result, these children are growing up with a vision of later life as vigorous and vital, not to mention all the personal time spent with their grandparents.

Then there’s a patient who had aspirations for a bucket-list trip to Europe, but felt he could not easily bring along his wife, since she had memory problems and was more than he could care for alone on a trip. Instead, he planned a family pilgrimage to his ancestral home in Spain that included his wife, children and grandchildren—all of whom got a view into their own rich cultural heritage and learned a lifelong lesson about the importance of caring for a loved one with a disability.

Are such trips as exciting as zip-lining in the rain forest, as a three-month sailing trip to nowhere? Superficially, no. But look a little deeper and I have no doubt that people who take a trip to Spain with children and grandchildren, or volunteer at a local community center, are much more content, much happier, than the passive voyeurs who whiz by, thrilled with the speed and all the photos, but sadly missing the bigger picture.

Dr. Agronin is a geriatric psychiatrist at Miami Jewish Health Systems in Miami and the author of “How We Age: A Doctor’s Journey into the Heart of Growing Old.” He can be reached at [email protected].

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72 comments

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Thomas Temin subscriber

I'm hoping one day to finally learn to play all of the Goldberg Variations.

Nelle Chapman subscriber

We have some common passions; family, good food, friends, travel, love of wine, and an addiction to recreational scuba diving. Each comes with a community we are integrated in and share the joys of life with. We have several bucket lists, and we modify the buckets as they come up to involve as many of our communities as possible. Works for us.

Anthony De Angelis subscriber

I spent 18 years involved directly with my community selling parish car raffle tickets on a mall in front of our church in Cape May, NJ that enjoyed a captive market from all over the world, helping the little parish to survive and enjoying meeting so many members of my community, and even people from all over the nation who knew people that I knew over the years; it was like hitting the jackpot when it came to joy.

VERNON PARMLEY subscriber

Plato said it best. In nothing excess.

Joseph Katz subscriber

"Reticent to invite them"? What is that supposed to mean?

"Reticent" means not speaking, or not telling much, and it is not followed by a verb because it describes a character trait. Would you say "outgoing to invite them"? or (antonyms of reticent) "talkative to invite them" or "garrulous to invite them"?

Nicolas Adjuder subscriber

If you are a co-dependent, take the author's advice!

If you are not a co-dependent, read my advice...

Trying to find happiness in others is a sure way to be miserable because family will not behave the way want them to 100% of the time.

But the guandala ride in Venice will make you happy if that's what you have been saving up for.

Tom Woods subscriber

@Nicolas Adjuder That's really deep.

Ronald Andrea subscriber

Forget your bucket list. Once you've seen one big, dirty international city you've seen them all. The same is generally true for temples, castles, canyons, and museums.

But friends and family. It is relationships that make us who we are and makes us happy.

Go visit folks you love. Especially the older ones, who may not be around too many more years.

Diane Dewight user

This is my dad. I haven't seen him in 5 years. He hasn't seen his great grandkids in 5 years either. He's so busy traveling that it's impossible to schedule time to see him. I'm pretty sure that I won't see him before he dies. And his traveling is pointless. He goes to the same places every year.

Rocco Papalia subscriber

Good lord. First world problems to be sure. Boo hoo hoo.

Paul Belenchia subscriber

@Rocco Papalia Can't regular people have problems without taking on the problems of the world sounds like a liberal socialist (am I being redundant?)

John White subscriber

@Rocco Papalia First world people are allowed to complain too. Go feed people in Africa instead of commenting on the Internet if you are feeling so disdainful of this article.

DOLLY SUNDSTROM subscriber

A couple trips, I guess I could see it, but a whole Bucket List?

Pointless wasteful narcissism.

Go fill someone else's empty bucket, someone who doesn't have enough to eat or buy their kids medicine with your extra cash, I beg you!

See Dustin Hoffman in 'Hook', Me me me, my my my, now now now:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4AfA_lebIg

PHILIPPE GRAIN subscriber

Well I am 47 and the way things are going it's good bucket list won't buy happiness because I won't have much when I retire beside saving 20% of my income in 401K to travel. Why ? cause 20% of average income is still not much even after 20 years savings. I'll be lucky not to be poor & work until I die. Pensioners had a much better deal no doubt about that.

christopher mast subscriber

@PHILIPPE GRAIN Yeah, I am afraid that even with saving as much as I have, my "bucket list" may well be how to afford to replace the roof or the old car in retirement. Especially as the US government keeps penalizing savers as much as they have to date with low or non-existent interest rates. If I end up doing any traveling it will probably just be in a sleeper van.

ALLEN NOGEE subscriber

@PHILIPPE GRAIN Well, if you made $53,000 now, the average American salary, and you did put 20% of your salary in a tax deferred account for the last 20 years and invested in the S&P500, you'd have $465,000 today if you got raises that compensated for the true inflation rate for the last 20 years. By the time your 57 (not 65 but 57) you will have over $1.5M which can provide a $60,000 per year income. Certainly not a bad retirement, not even counting Social Security. Add in Social Security and you shouldn't have a problem affording some travel. Bon Voyage.

@ALLEN NOGEE @PHILIPPE GRAIN

The only issue with this is how much money someone making $3000 today (probably before tax) was this salary 20 years ago.

I know when I started I was at $21000 before tax and I could only save 6%. I do agree saving is a long term game and requires patience and some luck.(major medical bills, loss of employment etc.. can derails the plan).

My point is I don't see how people we consider today's working poor will be able to retire, it takes some money to make money & working for a company no longer can be rewarding for retirement as it uses to be.

@PHILIPPE GRAIN @ALLEN NOGEE I certainly agree. It is not easy at all. For those calculations I did back the starting salary down every previous year because of inflation, realizing the salary was much less 20 years ago. I sounds like the key for someone in your position would be getting out of working-poor position. Maybe different job, trade-school at night, overtime, etc. Unfortunately that is the only answer but not an easy one either.

Dustin Hecker subscriber

Fabulous article. Thanks.

Emil Posavac user

I read this because I never thought of a "bucket list"--wasn't sure what it meant even though I've been retired for ten years. Some additional ideas--go to the grandchildren's plays and performances, be available when your children have a sudden emergency ("car broke down and I have to be at work; can you help?"). No this is not rocket science, but it makes me feel good.

DENISE PRINDLE subscriber

Isn't it OK for mom and dad to enjoy their golden years doing whatever it is that makes them happy? Parents spend decades working, earning and saving money, and caring for their children and, sometimes, grandchildren. They earn the right to finally focus on themselves.

I note the fact that some people don't want to see photos or share in the adventures of their elders. Perhaps it's because they wish they were in that position themselves. It's similar to the FB phenomena when people get depressed because they think others are having more fun than they are. The solution is to make the most of your own life and do what makes you happy. One should not be jealous of the happiness of others. If you are fortunate enough to have the money and good health to travel...bon voyage.

Richard Long subscriber

Obviously written by a shrink. All this is pretty common sense. The WSJ used to be a good, relevant business paper, and its turning into a feel-good rag.

charles klemballa subscriber

Get over it and stick to business sections. WSJ does this as well if not better than any other "rag"

Lawrence Bajor subscriber

My wife and I have as yet not retired. We have a few "bucket list" travels on the agenda. For example, we would like to spend my wife's birthday at Wimbledon and some day soon we will.

On a day to day basis we derive most joy from the people we know well. We are Christians. What our religion teaches us above all is to be servants to one another. Through our community we are there for each other during our walk through life. It is a joy to watch our congregation evolve, children grow, young take their place in the world, the elderly impart wisdom. On any given day more wonder is on display in this community than any vacation imaginable. FYI I have traveled the world. The diamonds really are in your own backyard. It takes a bit of humility and a willingness to serve to find them.

JOHN HAGAN subscriber

I am a 72 year old type A ophthalmologist. I have managed to fend off a major case of 'burn-out" at age 59 by selling my practice, stopping a huge eye surgery practice in favor of a much less stressful office practice, becoming office based rather than hospital based (good-by emergency room call and in hospital consults) and starting a world class "bucket list".

There is a wonderful book by a famous physician "Fritz" Fraunfelder, MD that looked at the science of retirement. I recommend it to everyone. He found that those that remained in part time employment doing something they enjoyed and found rewarding were happiest and lived the longest. This is the reference: http://www.amazon.com/Retire-Right-Scientifically-Fulfilling-Retirement/dp/1583333460/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1458585418&sr=8-1&keywords=retire+right+fraunfelder

A copy of my award winning article on "Making Someday Happen" can be obtained by email asking for a copy to lfleenor@msma.com

Robert Grow subscriber

Just trying to be relevant in retirement. Check out my new national anthem (audio only) for the USA at https://youtu.be/BYk_K2uK-9k

Dillon Murphy subscriber

I say, "Go For It." In the end, "Nobody gets out of this alive."

Richard Wolfe subscriber

Traveling internationally after retirement has been a pure joy for my wife and me. We do a combination of trips with Road Scholar and traveling on our own. We have met many interesting people who travel with Road Scholar and they have enriched our lives with experiences we would not have encountered without traveling.

Traveling keeps us interested in world events and planning for a trip gives our minds an additional challenge. I take many photos during our travels and post them on SmugMug which allows others to view at their option. Many of the people we travel with are not photographers so viewing my photos online allows them, and others, to view what we saw at their leisure.

My wife and I enjoy our friends and family very much and often travel with them but it is also nice to meet new friends from other states and countries that we would not otherwise have met.

So fill up that bucket list and as Rick Steves says: "keep on traveling".

@dickwolfe

Mark LaGambina subscriber

I have no bucket list. I plan on living forever.

STEPHEN ROLLINS subscriber

@Mark LaGambina you yourself will be in Mr. Time and Tide's slopps bucket.

Gerard Muller subscriber

All this advice is so very American...Retirement is your next opportunity for an exciting and meaningful new life now that you are most happy....just look at the bar chart!

The reasons people retire are usually because: 1) they age-out and are forced to, 2) they are too sick to continue, 3) they're sick of their job, and 4) to seek out new life adventures. Over the years I've known plenty of those in categories 1-3 and only a few in "4" who often left the distinct impression that they were desperately trying to convince themselves of it. One thing for sure, no one I ever knew ever said, "I'm looking forward to helping out in a nursing home."

If you like you what you are doing and are able to keep doing it, don't retire but take more time off to pursue your interests (bucket list optional). With the money you continue to make and the SS you start drawing you can have as terrific a time as your body can take and then come back to continue meaningful work while resting for the next time off

BONNIE CARAWAN subscriber

I think if you want to travel to those places you dreamed of in your youth, then do it!!! The volunteer work is a nice balance but I don't necessarily agree with this writer and their thoughts.

Don Gibson subscriber

Thanks so much for your article. I am age 66 and still finding my way at this age. I still work, so I am not really retired and don't plan to. However, your article gives me some good direction for the future.

The NORC study data that you provide does indeed support your feeling that happiness is higher at advanced age, and has been so for decades.

However, what struck me about the study was a finding that could be the subject for another article: the overall level of happiness across all age groups is very significantly lower now that it was decades ago. This is alarming and I can't offer you any exclamation.

Don

@Don Gibson I think you meant "explanation" (last sentence) and remember this 15% drop may have just been to a lower category like 'happy' or 'fulfilled' as opposed to, ahem, quiet desperation..... but in an earlier comment I echoed your concern about poor editorial technique at the WSJ, a rather common occ. If anything impacts my happiness over the past 20 yrs, it is the decline of public discourse. My public high school teachers would not have tolerated such shoddy work, let alone my college profs.

joann spears subscriber

My budget does not permit a globe-trotting bucket list, but it has allowed me to fashion a day-to-day life that is just the way I like it, one day after the other. Each day has something in it that, in its own way, is thrilling. Joy is where you find it, and some find it at home. We who treasure a simple life are not, as some of the previous comments suggest, necessarily depressed or stereotyped old people.

I do volunteer yoga teaching, have self-published two historical novels that I enjoyed researching, and am working on a third novel. I work four days a week at a low stress job that allows me to use my cherished nursing background. I run a weekly support group, an immensely satisfying way to help others. I garden, stitch reproduction samplers, enjoy the 30s and 40s films which are my passion, and eat like a queen (I enjoy cooking from whole foods as a hobby and live in farm country). I stay connected with family, friends, and neighbors. Life is good, no bucket needed.

Terry Livingston subscriber

@joann spears I think your bucket sounds pretty good! Happiness and blessings are not just found via jet travel. Enjoy!

Michael Gombola subscriber

Most of the studies on happiness point to the importance of close relationships with family and friends. If your travel or your adventures involves bonding with family and friends it will probably lead to greater happiness. On the other hand, the same activities done in isolation are probably meaningless.

Paul Mitchell subscriber

@Mary Ruby @Michael Gombola Mary, I inherited the wanderlust and photography gene from my dad. He continued his exploits into the his late 80's. With the advent of Facebook and You Tube, these memories can be shared with friends and families. I do wait until we return home otherwise the time to enjoy the activities in real time are often second place place to FB posts. I do agree with Richard Eggerman, Thomas Yasin & Carl Peters. Often the continual exposure to psych issues brings forward the "new normal" phase which I detest! On to Portugal in the fall!

Mary Ruby subscriber

@Michael Gombola: I've been able to take some trips with my parents. My Dad and I are both decent photographers; he prefers wildlife, while I favor landscapes. Usually we visit places that have good doses of both. Afterward, I make a photo book of the trip, with informative captions, and give it to them as a Christmas present. It solves the problem of what to get for parents who seemingly have everything and they (but especially Mom) love it--and appreciate the effort that went into it. Plus, I have a great memento for the inevitable time when they are no longer around.

I will celebrate my 70th in July and retire in January of '17. For the last 10 years I have been skimming my bucket with adventure trips on motorcycles to The Alps, Morocco, Greece, Provence, Tuscany (twice), the Pyrenees of Spain & France, Nova Scotia and other great domestic destinations. For the past three trips my wife (fiance for 4 years) has accompanied me and enjoyed the history, cultures and new friends we have made around the world.

Our grown children live on opposite coasts and we are in the middle so we enjoy visits whenever we can. Linda volunteers at a local children's hospital and also at a medical facility for new-mothers-to-be of limited means. I will still consult with my firm as needed but we expect to travel until we cannot. Additionally, I have a hobby and a profession that will allow me to teach. We will continue to multi-task as long as possible and never get trapped in a cocoon! Depression is not an option!!

Richard Adams subscriber

@Paul Mitchell Excellent! Good for you. When i was in my mid 20's i was seeking answers and on a trip to Vegas one year met this retired man. I asked him the standard what would you do differently, any advice for a youngster. He wished he started traveling when he was younger and vibrant recommended not to wait. took his advice off and running. chose not to marry or have kids and have been checking off my list for 20 years. At 42 i'm a seasoned globetrotter and totally addicted. New food, new smells, different climates, cultures, people, languages, currencies & everything that goes with globe trotting. I moved to a few countries years at a time for the whole experience. Honestly, I am happy, no regrets and in love with travel. The thing that tires me is non traveling friends and family asking when are you going to settle down and have a wife and family. I'm at the point where i'd like to be a guide. Taking them to the exciting places I've been to share and give them new experiences.

RICHARD EGGERMAN user

Just as the police officer's professional contacts lead him to excessively bleak generalizations about human nature, I suspect Dr. Agronin's professional contacts lead him to an erroneous generalization from a very biased sample. Retirees who are having the times of their lives pursuing a bucket list with some sense of moderation and balance (as my wife and I are) are the very last to be seeking the services of a geriatric psychiatrist.

Thomas Yasin subscriber

As I finish my 25th year of retirement, I have to disagree with Dr. Agronin. Without having adventures, large or small, there is no way to enjoy the recollection of past experiences. Snorkeling the Great Barrier Reef, participating in Visby's Medieval Week, fishing the Hexagenia hatch, and watching the migration of gray whales have all provided the sources of great memories.

As long as one has the health, energy, and funds to do so, enjoy some experiences. Don't be trapped in your shell.

John Penasack subscriber

A commitment to serve others should be paramount in a retiree's plans. Vacations, wine tasting, bridge games, fishing, golf, etc, are self-serving.

That commitment should be on a mandatory schedule so one feels guilt if not fulfilled. The reward, not monetary or acclaimed in the press, is a simple thank you that will warm your heart.

I dedicate my time in researching current geopolitical events, prepare a weekly presentation in a senior education program, and am rewarded with a smile, a thank you, or clapping.

Spending time preparing something for others to share with, and realizing they return to class because they do know more about the world is exhilarating!

@JOHN STOCKS @John Penasack

My choice "to serve others, rather than just myself" in retirement was based on research, and had nothing to do with religion, ethics.,etc,. A study of why the death rate in the Seattle area of men showed a spike for those 67. There was a large layoff in that area 2 years before.

Analysis concluded they were not prepared to adjust to life with no purpose.

Golfing, travelling, wine-tasting, bridge, etc., are either self-serving. They needed a commitment.

Choose your own path! Statistics don't lie.

JOHN STOCKS subscriber

@John Penasack (Mrs. Stocks responding). I disagree with your first point. "A commitment to serve others" is a personal decision, probably based on one's upbringing, religious views, ethics, etc. Not every one has this "need."

Carl Peters subscriber

Well I'd like to encounter the problems of a too deep bucket list FIRST, then seek psychological help next - if I need it :)

Warren Nickel subscriber

I think this is true, and sometimes I think it becomes a competition. I have been at dinners where it truly becomes a one-upmanship over who went where, and once there, who saw the most, did the most, etc. If you are going because you truly love the adventure and the new culture etc, that is great, if it is just fodder for conversation/facebook, then maybe re-think it.

ROBERT SARTINI subscriber

What a bunch of gobble speak. Everyone can do some of all of that. Take a trip spend time with friends and grand kids. Don't overanalyze your life. I spent a lot of my time and money on booze and broads; the rest I wasted.