The Last Words We Said, A Book Review

The Last Words We Said by Leah Scheier was written for teenagers, but I must admit that I enjoyed it. It's not a childish book. It deals with issues that aren't exclusive to teenagers. 

The dynamics between good friends change over the years, but nothing puts friendship under more stress than the disappearance and probable death of one of them. In this case, no body has been discovered. 

Leah Scheier succeeds in a difficult format, telling the story from two timelines, alternating between after Danny's disappearance and before he disappeared. This format could be disastrous from a less talented writer, but Scheier makes it seem like the only sensible way to write the story.

Danny was Ellie's boyfriend, so most everyone is focused on her difficulties in accepting his most certain death in an accident. But her two best friends, Rae and Deenie, are also seriously affected by his disappearance. The three surviving friends must help each other to fully heal.

The Last Words We Said can also be considered a mystery, because only at the end do we discover what really happened the night of the accident.

Danny, Ellie, Rae and Deenie aren't just regular American suburban teenagers. They are from Modern Orthodox Jewish families and study in Jewish Day School, one with mixed- boys and girls together- classes. So besides the regular teenage issues, we're dealing with families that keep Shabbat, Kashrut and expect the girls and boys to keep their hands off of each other. 

Scheier does an excellent job writing about realistic characters and universal issues. I highly recommend the book. To paraphrase an old ad: 

"You don't have to be Jewish to read The Last Words We Said."

Product details

• Publisher ‏ : ‎ Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers (August 31, 2021)
• Language ‏ : ‎ English
• Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 320 pages
• ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1534469397
• ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1534469396
• Reading age ‏ : ‎ 12 years and up

Judaism Respect for The Dead and General Mourning Customs

Yesterday I posted the photo below to the 365project.org, and some of the members found it interesting and asked questions about the Jewish attitude towards death and funerals.

Funeral Today

A lovely man, good neighbor, who always tried to help others and was devoted to the community and his family died this morning and was buried this afternoon.

In Judaism, one is required to bury the dead as soon as possible, preferably the same day as the death occurs. Leaving the body unburied is a sign of disrespect and causes suffering to the soul.

One of the reasons I took this photo in black and white is that there's a weeklong black and white photo meme floating around facebook I was asked to join. The funeral was a perfect location for black and white.  But since it's a colorless photo you can't see that people are dressed in regular colored clothes, including the close family mourners who aren't shown here.

According to Jewish Law and custom, one doesn't dress up in formal black for a funeral or mourning, and mourners certainly don't rush out to buy a well cut and tailored black suit for the occasion. During mourning the aesthetic is to be ignored. At the cemetery, just before burial the immediate family, the dead person's children, spouse, siblings and parents have their clothing cut and ripped to symbolize the loss and damage to the family.

Once the dead person is buried, the mourners change out of leather shoes and wear cloth of plastic/rubber ones.

Then, after the funeral, they "sit shiva," have a weeklong period of mourning in which they wear those same clothes and don't comb their hair. Mirrors and other reflective surfaces in the home are covered, so the mourner will not be able to check how he or she looks. There is also no washing or bathing besides minimal personal hygiene. The only break in this is for the Sabbath, when one bathes simply, meaning no long pleasurable shower or bubble bath, and then puts on clean Shabbat clothes. 

The mourners are not supposed to be involved in any of the logistics and chores of everyday life. Friends, neighbors and more distant relatives are supposed to supply them with food etc. People come to give their condolences, share and listen to stories of the dead person. The mourners are encouraged to talk about the dead one. Conversation is supposed to be initiated by the mourner and kept on topic. Visitors aren't supposed to converse among themselves. One is not supposed to ask the mourner how he/she feels.

At the beginning of the seventh day, the mourners "get up." It's customary for visitors to literally help them up and take them out the door and walk a bit. Then the mourner goes home to bathe and change into clean clothes.

During the thirty days after a death, the mourners are also forbidden to have haircuts and shave.

The mourning period is stopped by certain Jewish Holidays, since the national religious celebrations are more important than personal ones.

This post is just a general post about Jewish Mourning, so I'm not going into great detail. If you want to know more click Judaism 101 and  Chabad.

Changing Plans, Blessed is the True Judge

I don't have a weekly routine. Even "during the school year," there can be lots of variations in terms of my travels, studies events etc. But in the summer, especially now, I have to work very hard to keep track of where I'm supposed to be from day to day. The logistics can get pretty complicated, even though I'm no longer "working" at a "regular job."

Since the pool is still open, I try to make it possible to be there every day during "women's hours," but sometimes even that is out of my control.

Yesterday I had a nice busy day planned in Jerusalem for after the pool. My clothes, including a matching necklace, were all laid out on my bed when my husband suddenly called out that a neighbor had passed away. He was an elderly neighbor who had been amazingly busy, active, strong etc. until just a few short years ago. I actually visited with him a couple of weeks ago, and it broke my heart to see his deterioration.

I quickly calculated when the funeral would probably take place, and realized that there was no way I'd be back in time, so I canceled all my plans. Everyone was very understanding. Here in Israel, funerals are well-attended by many more than close family and friends. When I worked in Yafiz, I was always excused from a shift to go to funerals. In this case, I, davka, am close to the family.

At 5pm we met at the home of the neighbor and as is custom here when possible, we accompanied him from his home to various locations where he had once been active, and then finally to the cemetery. It was very somber but suited him. We shared memories as we walked.

Death freed his soul from the bondage of an elderly damaged body.

Baruch Dayan Ha'Emett

ברוך דיין האמת

Blessed is the True Judge

Another Night Funeral

The Jewish custom is to bury the dead as soon as possible, so the nishama soul can return as quickly as possible to Gd and not have to wait. Here in Shiloh we have adopted the Jerusalem custom on nighttime funerals, including after Shabbat.

The little girl, who had fought cancer for about a year, died just before Shabbat. We were notified right after Shabbat, and she was buried last night. At least a couple of hundred people of all ages attended to accompany her body to its grave. We grieve for the loss of life and the pain of the parents, grandparents, siblings, extended family and many friends.

המקום ינחם

HaMakom Yinachem

May Gd Comfort The Mourners...

Sitting Shiva, Showing Home Movies and Other Tips

I'm almost finished sitting shiva for my brother. Just over two hours left. Soon I'll change out of  my shiva "outfit," the same clothes I've been wearing since leaving for his funeral. Except for Shabbat, I've been wearing the very same outer clothes, skirt and two-layer top. The outer shirt was ripped at the funeral in one of the Jewish customs.

When we sit shiva, weeklong Jewish mourning, one is supposed to ignore the usual dressing and grooming care. No hairbrushing or clean clothes. Also no bathing. Yes for sure, I'm looking forward to taking a shower, shampoo and putting on something clean!

The night before my brother's funeral I was at my New York daughter's, and she took out a set of DVDs that my brother had made from our old home movies. We watched a couple of hours worth. She gave me the package, and I took them home. Yesterday I decided to put them on to watch and turned off the sound. The sound was just some musical accompaniment the "film to DVD" place had added. In the 1950's and early sixties, home movies were silent.

So, in addition to the little album my eldest daughter had made before I left Israel for the funeral, I now had moving pictures of my brother and our family life way back when to show those who came to לנחם linachem, comfort me. These family movies were from about 1956-1960, if I'm not mistaken. There are additional DVDs that follow my parents and us well into the early 1980s when we moved to Shiloh.

Here I am riding my bicycle near our last* Bell Park Gardens, Bayside, NY apartment, 67-62 Springfield Blvd.

I moved the low chair I had been sitting in to a place I could also see the screen, and I'd talk about my brother and the world in which we grew up.

One advantage of showing the home movies over the picture album, which people continued to look at especially since it included photos from his entire life up to a few weeks before my brother died, was because pretty much everyone in the room could see it at once.

Few of those who came had any real idea of what it was like in a place like Bell Park Gardens, which was such an important formative part of our childhood. My brother was ten when we moved to Great Neck. Seeing us and it, in faded color, brought my stories to life far superior to even the most descriptive words.

And for me it was very meaningful and comforting to see my family, parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends and the locations which loved and shaped us all.

*We lived in three different apartments in Bell Park Gardens from December 1949- August 1962.

Sitting Shiva is Very "Macro"

Davka, just the week that 52Frames had "Macro" for its theme/challenge my father passed away. I had a strong feeling from what I had been told by my sister that his time was short, and I rushed submitting my photo, so it wouldn't prey on my mind.

"Flower Power"
This tiny flower, less than an inch in diameter, is from a bunch given by a guest. I don't have a fancy camera with lenses and all, so this is the best I can do.

Camera: Canon Canon IXUS 145
Location: Shiloh, Israel

And now that I'm both "up from shiva," the intense Jewish mourning period, which is usually after the burial,* and I was also about to write my usual weekly post about my the photo I had submitted to 52Frames, I feel a connection between the two.

macro photography
photography producing photographs of small items larger than life size

When one is sitting shiva, one is supposed to concentrate one's energies and conversation on the dead person, the person being mourned, which consequently makes him or her "larger than life size." In death we are equal. Nobody can defeat it.

For years I've seen the Hebrew word אמת emmet, generally translated to mean "truth," as a verb. The מ ת mem, tof are the root that means dead/die and the א alef when a prefix on a verb is first person future.  So in my way of reading/understanding the word  אמת emmet it means "I will die," and that is the truth for all of us humans.

I don't know of any linguists or theologians who have written in this direction on the word. I am interested in your feedback, thanks.

Links to the posts I wrote about my father, after his death:

Sidney Spiegelman, 1920-2016, 5680-5776

Sidney Spiegelman, Z"L, 1920-2016, As An Israeli

My Father, Sidney Spiegelman, Z"L

Modern Condolence Calls, Not F2F

Re: My Father's Father's Family "Three Minutes in Poland"

Reflecting on Sitting Shiva for My Father

* I guess that I still have to explain at some point, not this post, why I sat shiva before my father was buried. But today that's not the planned post.

TU B'Shevat Festivities Cancelled in Shiloh

Last night, instead of getting together to celebrate TU B'Shvat and 38 years of renewed Jewish life in the Holy City of Shiloh over wine and fruit and nuts and cakes, we mourned. And we gathered together in the large sports hall and then slowly marched under the cold, weeping sky at a funeral.

A young man, born and raised in Shiloh had been killed in a terrible road accident, only minutes from home. His family, friends and the soldiers he had led all gathered together to bring him to his resting place, until the Moshiach arrives and tichiyat hamettim, resurrection of the dead. May it be soon in our time...

Shiloh Cemetery, photo taken a few months ago for 52Frames, Theme: Future, titled "We Will All Die"

המקום ינחם

HAMAKOM YINACHEM

MAY GD COMFORT THE MOURNERS

A Crazy Couple of Months

It's just starting to hit me that I've had a crazy couple of months.  Early June I rushed to Arizona, because my mother wasn't doing well.  Also since my son's wedding was coming up, I felt that it would be a good idea to get the summer visit over as soon as I could. 

Within a few days of my return, my mother was dead and I was back on a plane.  Then it was to New York for the funeral.  I managed to return to Israel for most of the shiva.

And then I rushed back to work as soon as the shiva was over.  Since I only work part-time, I didn't "take off" work when my son got married.  I sort of squeezed it all in. 

Now I'm feeling it, especially when people ask me how I am, if I've recovered form the wedding, if things have really begun to sink in.  I didn't really give myself a chance before. And now it's almost Rosh Hashannah, which this year is a challenging three day "yontiff," because it's immediately followed by Shabbat.

I must admit that I am starting to feel that things have changed.  So much is mixed up.

And just like in the middle of a Jewish wedding ceremony the chattan, groom breaks a glass, to remind us all that Jerusalem still hasn't be rebuilt.  We still don't have the Holy Temple on the Temple Mount. 

Photo by Yona Zoref

Like an Epidemic of Deaths, Another Eulogy for My Mother

In on of the Matan courses I've been taking, the one about ספר במדבר, Sefer Bamidbar, The Book of Numbers taught by Atara Snowbell, we've mentioned the subject of how/when the generation of the Exodus died out.  A punishment for their sins, for supporting the ten tribal heads who discouraged the immediate entering of the Land of Israel after G-d performed the great miracle of freeing them from Egyptian slavery, was that their generation would have to die out before the Jewish People could finally enter.  There's a question I remember her asking or talking about.  Did everyone die about the same time, or was it spread out over the forty, or more exactly about thirty-eight years?

The Chumash, the first Five Books of the Bible which recounts the beginnings of Jewish and World History, from Creation until the death of Moshe, Moses.

Deuteronomy Chapter 34 דְּבָרִים

ד  וַיֹּאמֶר יְהוָה אֵלָיו, זֹאת הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר נִשְׁבַּעְתִּי לְאַבְרָהָם לְיִצְחָק וּלְיַעֲקֹב לֵאמֹר, לְזַרְעֲךָ, אֶתְּנֶנָּה; הֶרְאִיתִיךָ בְעֵינֶיךָ, וְשָׁמָּה לֹא תַעֲבֹר.	4 And the LORD said unto him: 'This is the land which I swore unto Abraham, unto Isaac, and unto Jacob, saying: I will give it unto thy seed; I have caused thee to see it with thine eyes, but thou shalt not go over thither.'
ה  וַיָּמָת שָׁם מֹשֶׁה עֶבֶד-יְהוָה, בְּאֶרֶץ מוֹאָב--עַל-פִּי יְהוָה.	5 So Moses the servant of the LORD died there in the land of Moab, according to the word of the LORD.

There has been something strange going on among neighbors in Shiloh and among even other friends of mine.  For the past couple of months, it seems there always seems to be someone sitting shiva, sometimes even more than one at a time.  All of the people I know of who have died, died of natural death.  They didn't die in accidents or terror attacks.  There was no great drama involved with their deaths.  Their deaths had been expected.  All were ill, suffering.  When people ask me about my mother's death and I describe old age and physical deterioration, the accumulated cholesterol (like sludge) in the circulatory system and not waking up from sleep, so many people have similar stories about the recent death of their parents.

Yes, G-d controls coincidence the timing of life and death. Doesn't G-d have reasons?  Coincidence isn't random.

My mother lived longer than anyone in her family.  To reach the age of eighty-eight in her family, her parents and siblings, it's like living until one hundred and twenty one (121.)  Her younger sister by five years, my Aunt Natalie Rosenberg, died just a few months ago.  Only one other of their seven other siblings had passed her eightieth birthday, and if I'm not mistaken only one other even made it past seventy.

One thing many mentioned was that my mother was concerned about the importance of eating healthy food, whole wheat, fruits and vegetables and raw salads long before anyone else they knew.  It obviously made a big difference.  My mother had a very active life well into her eighties, but there's a limit how much we can improve our genetic make up.  My mother's long active life was a triumph over nature.

She loved museums and volunteered as a docent in the Nassau County Art Museum.  She had a special cane which could be opened into a chair, and that's how she got around when she needed to walk a lot.  She stuffed everything she could into her life until she could no longer control her mind and body.

One thing for sure.  She was a tough act to follow.



My parents and I at the NCSY
Ben Zakkai Honor Society Dinner when
I was inducted into the society.

Baruch Dayan Ha'Emet

 

Shirley Spiegelman

שפרה בת אברהם וחיה ריזיה

Shifra bat Avraham and Chaya Raisia

 

לעילוי נשמתה

Li'ilu'i Nishmata

May her Soul be Elevated

 

 

Baruch Dayan Ha'Emet, "it's no real surprise, though always is"

My mother passed away on Shabbat in her new "home" in Arizona.  I had just visited and left there less than a week ago.

Funeral and Shiva arrangements to be announced.

Twice In Less Than Twelve Hours

ברוך דיין האמת

ברוך דיין האמת

Twice today in less than twelve hours I got very bad news. Yes two people died, my Uncle George and my neighbor Yehudit.

I don't really feel like writing personal things about them, so I'll be very brief, unless the words start flowing like tears.

Neither death was a "surprise," but a few months ago no one would have expected that they were close to the end of their lives. People's health can "change" in an instant, and that's what happened to both of them.

Yehudit and Uncle George never met in this world, but they may be meeting right now...

HaMakom Y'Nachem