McDonald's and Pfizer have announced plans to merge to allow McDonald's myriad meat patents and other intellectual properties to sustain Pfizer's long-term positive economic outlook.
Friday, January 13, 2017
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s pro-bicycle agenda reached a new high water mark today with the announcement that a cyclists-only lane is being added to the long-under-construction Second Avenue Subway
"If two beautiful teens are hungering for a man’s touch and have nothing to relieve their ache but each other, I think God understands," said Tony Perkins, head of 'Focus on the Family,' "And we must as well.”
America's most bizarre combover has finally escaped the head of Donald Trump, forcing him to forgo his fake presidential quest.
His Holiness announced that Mr. Galilei's remains will be charged with crimes against humanity such as global warming, industrial pollution, abortion, and cell-phones that go off during Mass.
Today's mandatory article about Facebook.
The Governor fell victim to morbid obesity and an internal build-up of methane due to an inability, or unwillingness, to expel waste.
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced a new statewide program to "return dignity" to those who do not comply with the state's immigration laws.
Reverend Harold Camping, who is predicting that the end of the world will arrive next Saturday, issued a statement that the space shuttle Endeavor was Raptured yesterday, shortly after lift-off.
Preachers and pastors are leading orgies in megachurches across the South, praising Jesus even as they climax on 'coke' and 'E.'
Doomsday preacher Harold Camping returned to the airwaves today, blaming his failed Rapture forecast on "a missile strike that nearly blew Jesus out of the sky."
Despised in Biblical times, lepers in a Queens enclave are just one more large, tightly knit clan of New York ethnics.
His Vastness has assured Americans that they will soon be free of the "suppurating boil on humanity," and that Mr. Limbaugh's death would be long, lingering, and unbearably painful.
After weeks of uncertainty, Rupert Murdoch's NewsCorp, the global news megalith, announced today that it had acquired the defunct New York Times.
Roger Ailes, the powerful head of Fox News, has decided to give up his attempts to create a viable Republican presidential candidate, and will become President of the United States himself, according to a bathroom mirror aware of his deliberations.
The House of Republicans passed the 2011 Obeisance and Homage Act, calling for great caravans of wealth be brought before America’s millionaires and billionaires, in an attempt to earn their favor and mercy.
Thorbjorn Jagland, chairman of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee, said today that President Obama “really ought to consider” returning his Nobel Peace Prize Medal immediately, including the “really nice” case it came in.
Leading economists say that the wealthiest 1% of Americans, who control 43% of the nation’s wealth, are simply not buying enough useless crap to sustain an economic recovery.
The right-wing outrage facilitator said today that he had photos of Harry Reid’s nipple, Hillary Clinton’s left buttock, Nancy Pelosi’s kidney and scores of other salacious body parts belonging to prominent Democrats.
"I, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who have always cried out for justice and truth and the reforms required for the IMF to make financial stability serve the international community while fostering growth and employment, cannot remain silent."
"The Diary of Schindler’s Pianist” has won an Oscar for Best Picture of 2012 even before it has started shooting.
Dogs are less inhibited and self-conscious than humans. But this hardly excuses the deplorable practice of canine date rape.
Measures include abolishing Medicare and replacing it with an ultra-low-cost program called Mediprayer.
The title character in Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark will step aside to be replaced by Batman, the shows producers say.
Silvio Berlusconi, an Italian television star who plays Prime Minister in te long-running reality series The Italian Government, professed outrage at Ashton Kutchers deal in the race to replace Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men.
When asked for comment, Chief Justice Roberts said he couldn’t rationally explain it, but the decision “just felt instinctively right.”
The gigantic list of reasons New York City is better than Los Angeles got longer last Friday when Governor Cuomo legalized gay marriage in the Empire State.
"The Constitution says nothing about the 13th Amendment," declared Thomas. "And the actual words of the founders are what count – not what liberal wishful thinkers claim 230 years later might have been their intention. The Constitution does not evolve. Evolution is a myth."
THE LAST TIMESCAST
No one wanted to do this Timescast thing today, so I volunteered. I just graduated J School, and the paper folds! What a story!
After his failure to get Congress to pass gun control supported by 90% of Americans, we revisit our favorite current occupant of the Oval Office. Check out his moves...
Reflecting intense concern among their rank and file, whose median age is 98, House Tea Partiers are up in arms about the “unchecked epidemic of death sweeping America.”
The C.I.A. has confirmed that Kim Jong Il is behind the rise of bedbugs in the United States.
Each week, The Final Edition tells the story of a great American businessman who, despite his lack of ethics, has bravely stayed out of jail.
The Internet is allowing more people to find happiness together, but having heinously ugly babies may be the price they pay.
This week, we look at another group of great Americans who are triumphantly not in jail - including Alan Greenspan, Lloyd Blankfein, and every single person from Bear Stearns.
A statue of Speaker John Boehner has mysteriously begun to weep a red substance, possibly a Chilean Merlot.
OPINION
In a tearful press conference Friday, Roger Ailes head of Fox News, accused the scandal-ridden UK Sunday tabloid News Of The World and its editors of “dragging the superb journalistic standards and reputation of Fox News through the mud.’