Conan O'Brienಪರಿಶೀಲಿಸಿದ ಖಾತೆ

Really looking forward to the new Disneyland they’re building on that island of plastic bottles in the Pacific.

Scientists have discovered that people who forgive tend to be healthier than people who don’t. This changes nothing for us, @SteveMartinToGo

Twitter announced they will let advertisers target users based on the emojis they tweet. Bring it on, poop companies.

If Calvin Harris can’t make it work with Taylor Swift, what hope do any of us chiseled, 6’6” DJs have?

Until Mexico has White Walkers, I don’t think we need a wall.

People in Cleveland haven’t been this happy since…wait, this is the first time they’re happy.

To the Dads out there: today and all days, may your Dockers be wrinkle-free.

“Only one more game. Thank God.” – Steph Curry’s mouthguard

I don't know that much about professional basketball, but I know this: it's going to be the Cavs in 8.

Waiting at the vet’s office for my dog to get his shots. Might let the guy in the beard of wasps go ahead of me.

Donald Trump is the living embodiment of an erection that lasts more than four hours.

Let’s get one thing clear: I never joined HYDRA. They held a “free” buffet at my hotel and they made us watch a video but I never signed up.

Success is 50% inspiration, 50% perspiration, and 50% THE SECRET PERCENTAGE INCREASER MACHINE.

I can’t wait to see Hamilton when it comes to Los Angeles, with Young MC.

Hey, sometimes your stream just bifurcates #MalePeeTalk

I wish I had a 3D print of my regrets.

This woman patiently explained that I cannot #vote for #Trump in a Democratic Primary. https://www.instagram.com/p/BGXQv2-DQYk/ 

I think my Fitbit is just trying to make me feel good.

Buying a decorative gourd is like saying, “Here, let me throw that out for you in four months.”

The Taliban’s new leader is said to be “low-key.” Which explains the Taliban’s new video, “Death to Whatevs!”