Guaranteed reposts.
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)
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I turned 22.
Edit: This is an old joke. I only posted this because it is my birthday.
It was a brief case
She said: how do you get dick from kyle?
I replied: you just ask nicely.
She really wanted a daughter...
It’s the only time I’m ever wanted
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."
The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son…”
"Why are we living in London and still wearing all this shit?
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink.
Then, after a few minutes he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The place goes dead still.
Finally the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there’s a few things you should know.
“Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left you got a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde.
“So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”
“Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”
The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.
"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"
"A shark bit off me leg."
"And the hook?"
"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."
The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.
"What about the eyepatch?"
"A seagull pooped in me eye."
"A seagull caused that? How?" The bartender questioned.
"Well, 'twas me first day with the hook..."
...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.
The Godfather calls one of them over.
“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”
Jimmy swells with pride.
“I got a job I need you to do for me”
“Anything you need, Godfather. Just tell me what to do.”
“I want you to go back to the john, and I want you to whack off.”
Jimmy’s silent for a moment.
“Um... excuse me, Godfather, I coulda sworn you just told me to—“
The Godfather holds up his hand, silencing him.
“Jimmy, it’s for the family.”
Jimmy snaps to attention.
“Got it, Godfather. For the family.”
Whereupon he goes back to the bathroom. A few minutes later, he comes out, throws up his arms in a Victory salute and cries, “Mission accomplished.” Then he goes back over to The Godfather.
“So, Godfather, is there anything else I can do for you?”
The Godfather says, “You’re a good boy, Jimmy. I like your style.” Then he says, “Do it again.”
“WHAAA—!” Jimmy starts to protest. But The Godfather cuts him short with, “Jimmy, it’s for the family.”
Jimmy says, albeit dubiously, “Ok, Godfather. Whatever you say.”
This time he’s gone for a bit longer. When he comes out, he’s nowhere near as enthusiastic. Still, he goes back to The Godfather and reluctantly asks, “Is there...um... you got anything else, Godfather?”
The old man just stares at him, a slight smile at the corners of his mouth. Slowly, Jimmy gets the message.
“Oh nooo...”
The Godfather holds up one finger. “One more time, Jimmy.”
This time, he’s in the John a lot longer. When he comes out, a layer of sweat coats his pasty skin. His eyes have a glassy look. He says to The Godfather in desperation, “Godfather, this thing you have asked of me: I’ve given it my all. I swear to you, Godfather, I have given everything I’ve got. There is nothing left to give.”
“Take it easy, Jimmy. You done good. I got something else I want you to do.”
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys and hands them to Jimmy.
“Here’s the keys to my car. I want you to drive out to the airport and pick up my daughter.”
Tell them it's almost over
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way; I don’t even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends.”
"No, son, have you seen my dadglasses?"
He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.
He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.
The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile.
At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display.
And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night.
Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars.
The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking.
"Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh."
"I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now."
This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them.
He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me foregranted, we'll see how they like this boring mess."
The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display.
The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer.
"It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."
He said he couldn't complain.
He surprised the lady of the house and tied her up. He then waited until the man of the house came upstairs and held him at gun point and demanded that the man have over all the jewelry and cash that the had in the house.
The man began sobbing and said:
"You can take anything you want but please untie the rope and free her."
The thief responded: "You must really love your wife."
The man responded: "No she's my neighbors wife. Mine will arrive shortly, so for all our sakes let her go."
Noble gases should have no reaction.
He sees a mod of r/Jokes crying over the counter.
"Hey buddy, what's wrong with you?" the Man asks.
Mod: "My life is pathetic. I've been a mod for the past 4 months and I was told I'd get a paycheck of $70000 every month. Those fuckers haven't paid me anything yet. I'm totally broke now, my family left me and the bank is taking away my home. When I went to their office, they just handed me this stupid urn containing the ashes of the previous mod."
Man: "Oh my God, this is pathetic. If only I could do something..." Suddenly an idea struck him. "Buddy, I've an idea. Just do what I say."
The man asks the bartender for a bottle of Gin, Tequila and Vodka and adds some of each to the urn and shakes it. The mod and the bartender stare at him in absolute horror.
Man: "Drink it."
Mod: "WHAT?! NO!"
Man: "If you drink this everything in your life will get sorted."
The mod reluctantly drinks it. As soon as he finishes the drink he gets a call from his boss. The boss says he transferred the 4 months' pay to the mod's account with a little extra as a fine for late payment. The mod is astonised.
Mod: "How the hell did you even do that?"
Man: "It's simple. Mod earn problems require mod urn solutions."
They always ask "is pepsi ok?"
I chuckled, "No, the regular kind."
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