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Today's featured article – UnNews:I had a birthday and you need to know it

I recently celebrated my birthday.

Not just any birthday. For that, I would not interrupt my continual stream of backaching about the favor-trading in our Legislature or the lawlessness of our Chief of State. No, this was a landmark birthday. For, dear reader, I have turned a nice, round 150. And you need to take time out from contemplating impeachment to hear how I feel about it.

Firstly, I do not feel it. I don't feel a day over twenty, when the promotional portrait you see above was taken. I was scolding my fellow American then, and I still am today. Though I have not changed, the nation has, and I do remind the reader regularly how we were much better off with only three news broadcasts and one telephone company, even if we had to stay indoors all day when an important call might come in. From a white man, of course. (more...)

Recently featured:

Previously featured article – Mike Pence

Michael Richard "Mike" Pence (born June 7, 1959) was the 48th Vice President of the United States from 2017 to 2021, under Donald Trump's administration. At a young age in Indiana, he was known as a hero for killing Bigfoot and burning the corpse despite several tough air-pollution laws. It was through this feat and holding multiple political offices that Pence earned a reputation as thoroughly Godly — and thoroughly boring. The former means it would be awesome if he were elected President. The latter guarantees he never will be. (more...)

Did you know ...

... that a Siri app released in 2013 allowed cat owners to control their pets? And it worked, but only for about 48 hours? (pictured)
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter"?
... the Earth is indeed hollow, but you might fall off the edge trying to find the entrance?
... the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... if you fall asleep reading this, when you awake you will find that brownies have made you new shoes?
- ... and that they will always be lime green Crocs?

... that GPSs accidentally dropped in the ocean have caused whales to become confused and try to migrate to Oklahoma?
... that Mexican General Antonio de Padua María Severino López de Santa Anna y Pérez de Lebrón knew at least three people whose names began with the letter "L"?

Archive – Suggest new entries

In the news

U.S. returns to the moon

Miami aliens finger new Epstein clients

Israel boasts of precision in bombings it didn't do (pictured)

Ukraine destroys large Russian warship, again

GOP will have no candidates in 2024

Argentina goes off the deep end

Beatles complete sequel trilogy

Swimsuit round added to vote for Speaker

Michigan State rebrands athletic teams

Hashtag brings Mideast peace

TX governor to wall off NM

Trudeau has an Oh Canada! moment

Oh, so THAT's what this leading candidate must have been thinking!

India finally gets moon landing right

Freedom poses rhetorical questions, remains unemployed

UnNews Front Page

On this day

January 27: International Bring Your Exotic Pet or Exotic Dancer to Work Day

218 BCE - Hannibal Barca, travelling through Gaul, finds hotels refuse to allow his pet elephants in his rooms.
1066 - William of France accidentally distracts the English army with a line of his obsequious bowing servants mistaken for twerking women. Harold of England raises his visor to get a better look, with not-so-very-good results.
1313 - The Pope and King Charlemagne lead the first celebration of this holiday, followed by hundreds of pole dancers and strippers with griffons and dragons flying overhead.
1649 - Charles II restores poles and pole dancers to Parliament.
1776 - Thomas Jefferson, suffering from writer's block, brings his pet Negro Toby to work. Jeffy wakes up later in the day from a nap to discover that Toby has finished writing the remaining 96% of the Declaration of Independence. Jeffy promptly whips Toby and submits the Declaration to the Continental Congress the next day.
1945 - President Harry Truman let his Komodo dragon press the big red button, authorizing the use of nookz.
1947 - Mahatma Gandhi takes his pet rhinoceros to a rally. This scares the British into leaving India.
1959 - Keith Olbermann is born in New York. The hospital staff lets a doctor's pet Gila monster deliver Olbermann, only to have the animal kidnap Olbermann and raise him for the next 18 years. Thus the grown sportscaster would later join the reptile in its festering hatred for the Dodgers for leaving Brooklyn.
1984 - Winston Smith brings his parrot to work, only to have it arrested by the Thought Police for thoughtcrime. Doubleplus good!
2005 - Amir Khan brings his pet Shahrukh Khan to his film shoot. He says it is his lucky charm.
2010 - Howard Zinn and J.D. Salinger die on the same day. They have a long-winded conversation about literature outside the Pearly Gates, boring and annoying everyone else in line.
2010 - Amitabh Bachchan brings Aishwarya Rai on a leash, marries her off to his son.
2011 - Aishwarya Rai bears a child who is put on leash too.

Today's featured picture

A great disturbance was recorded in the historical community today when what appeared to be a preliminary version of the Michelangelan Fresco that decorates the Sistine Chapel was found spraypainted on a remote alleyway in Rome. Notable historians whatsisname and thatguy said it was due to Michelangelo's intense desire to be accepted into the Renaissance art movement, which they say "required a fair amount of street cred."

Image credit: Zombiebaron

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