sixthformpoet

Wonderful, blunt PA announcer at Huddersfield: "Here's someone I've never 'erd of to make our draw, from Celebrity Big Brother or summat"

The best thing about Cupid is that giving a naked child a bow & arrow wasn't irresponsible enough, so they made him god of erotic love too.

You had me at hello. You lost me at have you been in an accident that wasn't your fault?

I'm like the sun. Even the people who love me won't look directly at me or let me stay the night.

I've woken up looking like a terrible secret that's about to tear a family apart.

Give a man mashed potato and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to do the mashed potato and he'll win 60s dance-offs for the rest of his life.

My heart is just like a spare room Where not many people have stayed However, recently I had a guest You should see the mess that she made

uugghhh the polite person who skillfully prepares my coffee didn't spell my name correctly when i fucking mumbled it uggghhhh im dying ugggh

I'd rather eat my own head than make a ridiculous comparison.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can burgle his house at weekends.

I was the Wikipedia of my school. People expected me to help with their homework, but completely ignored my constant requests for money.

Aw man, I lost my other sock! It's probably hiding some place I'll never look like under the bed or in your Instagram story.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can pay for a professional hitman to kill people who constantly remind you that money can’t buy happiness.

Sick fucking bastards.