Jer Noble

How come “open faced burrito” isn’t a thing?

Ev: It’s really hard to ride your bike while sleeping, isn’t it? Me: There’s actually a TV show about a sleepwalking bicyclist: Knight Rider

Why have I not yet seen a “Come on, covfefwhgads” gif yet?

Eliz: I think I’m getting sick… I feel it in my sinus; I feel it in my nose… Me: Mucus is all around me; I wipe it when it flows…

AP - Conflict over two bodies of water with differing salinity has been diffused, authorities say.

. @algore is on campus today, plugging his new movie, “Inconvenient Truth 2: Hydroelectric Boogaloo”.

Me: Ev, the Easter bunny left you one more present! Ev: Ooh! What is it?! Me: He folded your clean clothes! Ev: … Me: Go put them away.

Ev, to me: "So… you work for the internet?"

I don't know why Occam never came out with an electric razor, but I'm sure there's a simple explanation for it.

Cora, meanwhile, suggested that people could just wait until the sun was about to melt the planet, then leave for another solar system.

Tonight at dinner, Evelyn was consumed with existential angst at the thought of the sun cooling, expanding, and engulfing the Earth.

Ev: How do you make snowmen? Me: Well, when two snowpeople love one another… Cora: …You find them and kill them while they’re still kissing!

WEB DESIGNER: (wakes up in lava) Wh…why am I in hell? SATAN: You know WD: Was it the autopl— SATAN: It was the fucking autoplay videos, dude

(Scene: Cora is asking Ev about Minecraft, with me eavesdropping.) Cora: Are animals enemies? Me: *Perk* Ev: No, they’re prey. Me: *Dies*

(Continued:) Me: sure it does. They attack with their Nine Inch Nails.

Ev: What’s an Emu? Me: It’s a ostrich that died its hair black and started listening to Goth music. Ev: That… doesn’t make any sense.

Please follow @AltDptEducation They are standing up and speaking out against the dismantling of our education system that DeVos wants.

I love how kid punishments would be luxurious rewards for parents. I would LOVE to go to my room and take a nap.