Donald: Congratulations, Mad Dog, you get the job.
Mad Dog: Sir, you should know that I’m being blackmailed by the Chinese.
Donald: Aren’t we all? The question is whether God and Country are more important.
Mad Dog: There’s more, sir. It’s not just me. Continue reading
Part 1 of a series
I’ve now gone through my seven stages of grieving over the election. But I’m not at peace. Instead I’m left with a nasty black residue like the stuff on beaches after an oil spill. It’s best summed up by an old joke.
Two guys show up at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter meets them and says, “I’ve got some bad news. Heaven’s a little full right now. We’re sending you back. We’ll come get you when we finish the new addition.”
He turns to one. “Now you’ve been a great person. You’ve been kind and generous. You’ve never done anything bad to anyone. You weren’t rich or famous, but you worked hard and maintained your dignity. I’m going to give you a $25 million dollar head start.” Continue reading
Franklin: God bless you, my son. Fear not. The Lord is with you.
Donald: I don’t go to church much.
Franklin: Maybe it’s time you start.
Donald: I’m just so tired on Sunday mornings.
Franklin: I know how it is. Work all day. A set of keys all day.
Donald: How do you mean?
Franklin: When this country had faith in God, we didn’t lock our doors. Now we’re afraid and we have a ring full of keys. Continue reading
And I would have won the popular vote too, if it weren’t for you meddlesome kids.
Your Daily Devotional is a lightly-edited entry from my Twitter feed. Follow me at @jefftiedrich
Donald: Is this a secure line?
Hillary: Yes. I take security very seriously these days.
Donald: Somehow my words keep showing up on the internet. There’s a guy who writes my exact words, stenographically, on the internet.
Hillary: That is concerning.
Donald: But get this. Sometimes he writes my words down before I say them.
Hillary: That’s called a speechwriter, Donald. You really should get one. Continue reading
Orchideæ: Green Lady’s Slipper
Tulsi: Let’s talk about the radical left.
Donald: Yes. Let’s.
Tulsi: As you know, the radical right, which was so successful in electing you, recently suffered a major setback. We traded thousands of operatives and “the right to free speech” for basically nothing. We got a raw deal.
Donald: Thanks Obama.
Tulsi: But we’re not done. We have control of Hawaii and Vermont, and we’re very strong in Massachusetts. Continue reading
Donald: I have three questions. First, do you want to torture people?
Mike: Yes.
Donald: Second, do you require access to information about CIA personnel?
Mike: Naturally.
Donald: Third, do you know what we do with a rat in New York? Continue reading
Find someone who loves you the way Trump loves himself.
Your Daily Devotional is a lightly-edited entry from my Twitter feed. Follow me at @jefftiedrich
John: I’d like to talk to you about gold.
Donald: Love gold. I have a ton of it. Literally a ton. US gold dollars, British sovereigns, I even have some Roman gold. It’s very rare. Most of it got melted down. Once I came across some Nazi gold. I bought it and donated it to the Holocaust Museum for display. Never forget. I hate Nazis. I’m of German extraction. It’s like our slavery.
John: Sir, we need to move back to the gold standard and away from the fiat currency system controlled by the Federal Reserve Bank.
Donald: Nonsense. Paper money allows us to respond to changing economic conditions. It’s called quantitative easing. I went business school, you know. Continue reading
Pessimist: “The cup is half empty.”
Optimist: “The cup is half full.”
Engineer: “The cup is the wrong size”
23rd psalm: “My cup runneth over.”
Engineer: “It feels like you people just aren’t listening.”
Your Daily Devotional is a lightly-edited entry from my Twitter feed. Follow me at @jefftiedrich
Bill: Windows is wide open. Pretty much every government computer is wide open.
Donald: What do you mean?
Bill: I mean all the security updates are approved at the highest levels, so there’s absolute transparency.
Donald: So China can see what our government is doing? Continue reading
Rudy: Mitt says you’re thinking of going straight.
Donald: You got a problem with that?
Rudy: You need to be more worried about yourself, gabron. You work for me. I work for the mob, La Familia, Casa Nostra. When China doesn’t want to get their hands dirty, they send me. They’ve already given orders to tear down one of your precious hotels. They also said to tell you that if you don’t start cooperating, Hillary is gonna win that recount. Continue reading
By Tamara Enz
When I was in third grade, the elementary school principal came into our class to speak with the students. I don’t now remember what the primary reason was for his visit; what I remember is only a fragment of his lecture.
He stood at the chalkboard and wrote in large letters:
M A N
Stepping to the side so everyone in the class could see the letters, he said, “Without man,” he stepped back to the board and wrote “wo” before completing his sentence, “you cannot have woman.”
On the board was the word:
wo MAN
Almost 50 years later, I can still see this man saying these words, spewing ignorance and sexism across a new generation of children. Continue reading
Mitt: There’s a word in Chinese. I don’t know if you’re familiar with it. Shuāngyíng. It means “both win.” It’s a business philosophy. I’ve found great success following this principle.
Donald: I invented the win-win, believe me. The Chinese got it from me.
Mitt: Now, what I did when I was running for President was place all my holdings in a blind trust. That way, I looked like I wasn’t on the payroll, and China could still pay me ridiculous amounts of money. Continue reading
Sometimes
when you drive by the beach
you see big bastard machines
and boys on skateboards
and
you don’t know if
President: We need to talk about China.
Donald: Love China. Love the Chinese.
President: They’re taking over the world.
Donald: Don’t I know it. Everything is made in China.
President: They’re tampering with elections. That’s why “Leave” won the Brexit vote in spite of the polling data. That’s why you were elected. Continue reading
Updated 11/25/16: added Footnotes section break at the bottom for clarity
I always knew that being white, male, straight, and educated meant that I was living in a bubble that distorted my perspective on the world. But it wasn’t until Election Day, when 62 million (as of 11/22/2016, according to USA Today) of my fellow Americans voted for a fascist (or proto-fascist) that I realized just how distorted my view of America had actually become. Since then I’ve started second-guessing myself on a host of issues that I thought were universal American ideals that have, it seems, turned out to merely be universal among my friends and family.
One of the mental adjustments I’m still trying to make is to recognize that 62 million people didn’t care that Donald was spouting rhetoric that was anti-Semitic, Islamophobic, racist, sexist, and homophobic rhetoric. 62 million people were OK with bigotry and borderline incitement of violence, behaviors and values that I thought were fundamentally un-American, values defined by the United States Constitution itself1. But while I’m certainly living in a bubble, I’m not the only one. The fact that many of Donald’s supporters are also living in their own bubbles was brought home to me in an NPR story I listened to on my way into work a few days ago. Continue reading
Steve: You know why we are here.
Donald: Yes sir.
Steve: You know that your situation is hopeless. Think of your son, Barron, and your wife, Melania, alone and afraid, because of your mistakes Donald. You made another mistake, correct? Continue reading
Happy Thanksgiving from Scholars & Rogues.
