Nigel Farage

Wahey, no more immigrants! Can't Barrage The Farage!

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“”Nigel Farage has sent a letter to Nigel Farage saying 'I resign'. And Nigel Farage has responded to Nigel Farage saying 'I refuse'. That's the way it works there.

—German MEP Manfred Weber on the first time Farage resigned from his party.

Nigel Farage, MEP is just an ordinary bloke an oily tick, pub bore, and (occasional) British politician. He was leader of the UK Independence Party (UKIP) from 2006-09 and 2010-16, (minus 18 days in September when Diane James was leader). Its current leader is Paul "Bab Bootle Meff" Nuttall.

Farage is a leading light of the Brexit campaign—Herostratus for the modern age. Farage won millions of votes by basically going around the country and drinking pints with people. Seriously, go find a picture of him where he isn't holding a glass in his hand. He also doesn't whiten his teeth, a rarity indeed!

Nigel Farage is without doubt the most successful failure in the history of British politics. Five times unelected, including just before the referendum. Without a useless debater like David Cameron, the Brexit vote would not have even taken place. Cameron kicked the ball into his own net and like all good goal hangers Farage claimed he scored it.

Farage also writes articles and opinion pieces for The Independent of all places, occasionally attracting the ire of some readers. In 2015, he began contributing regular blog posts to American far-right tabloid of ill repute, Breitbart.com. Breitbart London's managing editor, Raheem Kassam, acted as Farage's "campaign manager", roommate and steam room companion.^{[No, not The Onion]}

Early life

Even when he was just a student, Farage was infamous for his xenophobia and nativism, to the point where Farage marched along a village "shouting Hitler-youth songs," according to several of his own teachers at the school. Even as a kid, Farage's willingness to indulge in Neo-Nazi styles and propaganda awarded him the "neo-fascist" label by his own teachers, who wrote a letter describing it in detail.

Leadership

“”I welcome parody and satire in our politics.

Farage first stood down as leader of UKIP in 2009 to contest speaker John Bercow's safe Conservative seat of Buckingham, despite the long tradition that the Speaker (who unlike in the US is not a political figure as long as he holds the office of Speaker) stand unopposed. The effect of Farage standing was identical to Bercow standing unopposed. In 2015, Farage again resigned as leader after he failed to gain the seat of Thanet South, following his earlier promise that he would resign if he failed to be elected. However, as much as he "wanted to spend the summer fishing, walking, and... in the [EU] where all hell is currently breaking loose", he agreed to remain the leader of UKIP after the party rejected his resignation. Following the outcome of the European referendum, Farage once again resigned as leader of the party to begin his retirement from politics. Following a chaotic leadership election, new member Diane James was elected leader despite neither wanting the job nor being the party favourite. Refusing to accept the election result, Streisand Farage again stepped in as "interim" UKIP leader. The public was hardly surprised; they were already cracking jokes about his inevitable return (in a repeat of his 2015 performance).

Farage has garnered criticism from retired Conservative politician Norman Tebbit (who agrees with him on most matters of substance), suggesting disaffection within the echelons of the party.

Raheem Kassam oversaw Farage's loss of his Thanet South seat by several thousand votes, followed by vicious party in-fighting. He shouldered much of the blame for Farage's loss from those within UKIP, who accused Kassam of prioritizing Farage's courtship of the American far-right over actually campaigning among his constituency.

Politics

Stopped clock moments

Farage's libertarian attitude towards the War on Drugs and the decriminalisation of cannabis has attracted the ire of social conservatives such as Peter Hitchens. Farage also opposed the Iraq War from the onset. Farage himself has claimed he was a libertarian until he became a father, when he started to devote more time moaning about Miley Cyrus' allegedly negative influence on his daughter.

HIV and immigrants

During the Leader's debates, Nigel Farage attracted controversy when he suggested that HIV positive migrants should not enter the country (a claim which is not supported by the evidence). This is not the first time he has made these comments, which have been condemned by those in his party as "plain wrong", and by charities that work with HIV/AIDS individuals as showing "an outrageous lack of understanding".

Scotland

For "UK", read "England" and definitely not another country it united with. While visiting Scotland in May 2013 Nigel Farage had to be barricaded inside an Edinburgh pub due to a protest attended by leftist students, many of whom were English. Amongst the protestors were also the Scottish Labour party researcher April Cumming, a representative on the Young Labour National Committee James Moohan and a Labour Sabbatical Officer at Edinburgh University Max Crema. Nevertheless, George Galloway duly accused the SNP of orchestrating the "anti-English mob". However, Mike Shaw, president of Edinburgh University Students' Association's Socialist Society, tweeted "as a proud Englishman, arrested yesterday for protesting, I dispute these claims." However, the fringe Radical Independence Campaign did help to organize the protest.

Farage also claims that the English are the biggest victims of racism, because of the Scottish National Party daring to exist.

Brexit

“”We've done it all without a single bullet being fired!

—Jo Cox might disagree

While technically still out of power, Farage was part of the triumvirate pushing the UK referendum on Brexit, along with Boris Johnson and Michael Gove. To the surprise (again) of every sensible Labour voter, Remain lost by a slim margin. The funny thing? The only reason for the vote was that Cameron planned to use it as a political tool, like the 2014 Scottish referendum. (David Cameron: The man who turned off the United Kingdom by accident.) As Scotland and Northern Ireland voted stay by larger margins than England and Wales voted leave, the former two openly threatened secession once the results were known.

US politics

Although he has made sure to steer clear of the worst of Donald Trump's rhetoric on sexually assaulting women, Muslim bans and calling all Mexicans rapists, Nigel Farage has appeared on Alex Jones' show discussing the negative legacy of Barack Obama, and his fellow Brexiter (-cum-borderline Birther) Boris Johnson claimed that Obama had "grudge" against Britain "because of Kenya and colonisation". Farage has also called Trump's claims of raping and sexually assaulting women as "alpha-male boasting", which prompted a harsh backlash from UKIP MEPs, with one senior figure saying that Farage was "contradicting himself [by] saying that what Donald Trump said about groping women was just alpha male banter" yet kick up a fuss over the alleged assaults by migrants in Cologne, adding that "It's total hypocrisy to say it's OK if a rich, white man who's running for president does it."

Although claiming not to support Donald Trump completely, Farage has noted similarities with his and Trump's "concerns", especially regarding immigration. In response to a reporter's question on the threat of a Trump presidency, Farage has stated that he would never vote for Hillary as she is crooked, whilst at the same time not commenting on whether he'd vote for Trump, saying that Trump would not be "as extreme in office as we might fear".

He then became a campaign advisor to Trump's campaign. Because apparently Brexit means deporting our useless politicians to the US (We're so sorry). After Trump won, he claimed credit for the victory and joked about him sexually assaulting Theresa May. Because he wasn't a terrible enough person already.

On 8^th November 2016, Farage said he would like a role in the future Trump administration as the US ambassador to the EU (as if they haven't had enough of him already!). Lo and behold, on the 22^nd of November 2016, president-elect Donald Trump thought out loud on Twitter that the Farage be appointed Great Britain's ambassador to the United States, arguing that "many people" would like to see this happen. There was, however, one small problem with this plan: the British government. No 10 quickly responded to Trump's comments by saying "we already have an excellent ambassador to the US", fuck you very much. Nige has accused the current ambassador, Sir Kim Darroch, of being "a committed Europhile" and big-time Ukip donor Arron Banks said Darroch "spent his whole time greasing up to the Hillary campaign" during the presidential election campaign. How diplomatic!

French politics

Farage has turned down Brexit support from Marine Le Pen in the past, accusing her of antisemitism and racism and even viewing her as detrimental to the Brexit cause. Prominent members of Vote Leave have also called upon Le Pen to be barred from the UK because of her views. This, despite the fact that UKIP has offered a pact in the European Parliament to the misogynist Holocaust denier and Polish MEP Robert Iwaszkiewicz (who said UKIP hated the Poles?!) in order to secure EU funding, and called Iwaszkiewicz's comments on beating women as "a joke".

In light of Farage turning up for Trump and campaigning in the 2016 general election, he was asked by a journalist on whether he intended to campaign for any French or German Eurosceptic parties in their respective 2017 elections. In response, a drunk Farage only mentioned the French Front National, led by Marine Le Pen, and said the following:

Look. I like Marine Le Pen. I've met her. I've had dinner with her. But I can't support her party, because it's a Vichyite rump and antisemitic. Her father is a ghastly old fascist. I think Marine wants to fuck me, you know. I think she wants to fuck me.

Farage, of course, denies all allegations. He would never want to have sex with a Frenchwoman!

You sit on a throne of lies

The voting public continue to put their faith in people like this for whom "my word" means absolutely nothing.

• If you're on a train with Nigel "I'm not a racist, but fucking Romanians" Farage in the carriage, he gets all bothered when he can't listen in on your conversation. Even though his kids speak German.

• That's right, this jackanapes is allowed into the European Parliament. And he's been the main cause of European antipathy for the UK in the last couple of years. Considering UKIP's opposition to the European Union, one assumes they would be attending the European Parliament every day to inform on/thwart the socialist EU agenda! Er, not quite... Farage himself is rated the worst of all UK MEPs in terms of activity, and all the 13 worst rated are either supporters of UKIP or Eurosceptic members of the Conservative Party. Also, a rather bizarre stunt by the Remain and Leave campaign, which involved Bob Geldof and Farage chasing each other down the River Thames highlighted the fact that, as Greenpeace had previously noted: "Over the three years that Nigel Farage was a member of the European Parliament Fisheries Committee, he attended one out of 42 meetings. Greenpeace research ... shows that during the three major votes to fix the flaws of the Common Fisheries Policy (CFP), Nigel Farage was in the building but failed to vote in favour of improving the legislation."

• UKIP make a lot of noise about financial probity, so it will come as no surprise that Farage has reneged on his promise to publish his MEP allowances quarterly, as debated at length with Ian Hislop on Have I Got News For You while repeatedly calling Denis MacShane a "scumbag" (which is fair enough).

• I'll resign if I don't win Thanet South. He did, indeed, "resign"... then quickly un-resigned, and carried on as if nothing happened.

• Oh mate, it's gonna be great! They're planning on building one hospital a week with £350 mil we were sending to the EU! Except we don't actually send that much to the EU... Where was all this money going to magically come from, the sky? You do realise, voters, that he's still a Member of the European Parliament. As far as we recall, members of European Parliament have little to no say on British fiscal policy. He was never in a position to keep that pledge, but "Leave" voters fell for it like kids in a candy store. (He has openly said he would privatize the NHS, how people missed this is beyond insane.) Already a broken promise, not even 24 hours in!

• He doesn't even make a good nationalist. You'd think he'd be dying to live in the newly-independent UK. What's the point if he's just going to move to America so he can hoover Trump's carpets? "We would certainly never think of visiting the United States and telling the US public how to vote..." (Not sure he gets to complain about bankers, given that he was one.)

So many glittering alternate realities

Farage was injured in a plane crash in May 2010. This was due to the plane, a PZL-104 Wilga 35A for plane nerds, being an Eastern European immigrant. Another time, all of the wheels fell off his car whilst driving.

See also

• Enoch Powell
• Ron Paul - He's Ron Paul done the English way: badly and on a budget!
• Geert Wilders - I will not allow the government to raise the minimum age for pensions! *literally an hour after the results come in* Nope, pension age is not a breaking point.

Videos

• Careful, Nige.

External links

• UKIP if you want to, the lady's not for snoring
• Nigel Farage's Teeth Facing Deportation for Not Being White
• We will not go gently into the night!
• Things You Probably Don't Know About Nigel Farage, via BuzzFeed