Americans' insistence about their right to guns is tied in with their Christian belief system. As we all know, when Jesus was asked what he would do if someone slapped him on his right cheek, he responded: 'Load my A15 semi-automatic rifle and fire at random strangers in a shopping centre in Nazareth'
Groups with names like ‘The British White Glory Smack You Right Up Alliance’ will have to retrain their members
Michael Gove will go on ‘Newsnight’ and say, ‘I’m SICK of this bruv, we’ve got NOTHING up front, we can’t even beat CORBYN bruv, she’s not even TRYING’, and smash a bottle on Emily Maitlis’s table
What do women expect? Men can’t help it. So often you sit down for dinner and out comes the penis onto the table without you even seeing it. They’re attracted by roast potatoes
Some people have accused the board at Carillion of lacking foresight, but this seems unfair, because last year the board changed their policy to protect executive bonuses so they would still be paid in the event of the company going bankrupt. And that seems packed full of foresight
One doctor writing to Jeremy Hunt said ‘120 patients a day are being treated in corridors’. This shows how under-used corridors are
Some people have wondered why these films were on his work computer, but any of us, while listening to a cabinet discussion about beetroot tariff proposals in Brexit talks, would find ourselves getting aroused
They’re more furious than football fans who ring phone-in shows when their team’s lost
The people of a country that likes to be more British than the British has said to the British: 'No, don’t be that British – or we might end up not being British'
It's similar to the time he said that if we left Europe we’d save £350m a week for the NHS, and it was cruelly interpreted as meaning if we left Europe we’d save £350m a week for the NHS
I went to Bournemouth with my parents, we bumped into the then Israeli leader Menachem Begin and couldn’t shake him off the whole two weeks
One key figure in the Tsar’s government was Rasputin, a character so discredited that while speaking on behalf of the military, he was in disgrace for sordid lecherous behaviour towards women that became too much even by his own government’s shady standards. And no government can carry on in that state
If you were a cynic you might suggest that sometimes the people professing outrage aren’t really all that horrified at all
The council press officer was reported as saying that ‘numbers of people moved to permanent accommodation is not a metric we are using’. This is just as well, because you don’t want to confuse how well you’re doing in rehousing families by counting the number of families you’ve rehoused
The Government insists we’ll get a better deal from the EU once we leave, because most institutions operate on the basis that you get a much better deal when you’re not a member, don’t they?
For years Jeremy Corbyn has been deemed ‘unelectable’. Now the Conservatives are frantically trying to follow in his footsteps
It’s the same with those communists who went down with blankets and food. They should have set up a pop-up bedding and hot chocolate store to tap into extensive market opportunities
During the Queen’s Speech, instead of banging on the door of the Commons with his stick, Black Rod will march to Westminster Cathedral and use it to put the windows in
If she's kicked out and replaced by Amber Rudd, at the next election Rudd can refuse to take part in the TV debate and send May in her place instead
Presumably she didn’t even watch the debate, as that would have distracted her attention from memorising regional figures for beetroot production, so she doesn’t get caught out by the wily Italians
The Conservatives are the party we can trust with the economy. They’re the only ones prepared to ignore marginal issues such as staff and buying stuff when it comes to finances