He works as an engineer. Because of that, he owns a TON of button-up plaid shirts.
Our closet looks like this
I’m working on expanding his wardrobe, like maybe having wider plaid with purples or something but we’ll see.
Anyway the other day we were having our regular dinner of cold cereal and telling each other how much we love each other (as we do)
when I noticed something.
Oh no.
Eeerrrrrk
The Handsome was taking this much better than I was. For me, the missing button was driving me crazy.
This was a problem.
That was a work shirt!! He’d wear it to work!! What would his coworkers think of me??
‘
‘ ‘
‘ ‘ ‘
The Handsome said I shouldn’t worry about it.
I was unconvinced.
Buttons are weird because yes, you can sew on a new button, but you have to spend about an hour searching the house for it first. When you don’t find it, that’s another hour going to the store (sigh) to find a match, then when you don’t find one, that’s another hour at another store* (siiiiiigh) where you don’t find the button but you find something like the button and if you squint no one will notice the difference, then when you get home you realize the button thread isn’t white but pale chartreuse #127 which hasn’t been manufactured since the fifties (aaargh) and then…well, you get the idea.
*probably JoAnn’s, which will say they have a 50% off of anything sale except sale items, then they’ll put everything in the store on a 5% off sale. They do this all the time because they’re jerks.
Anyway. When it came to the shirt, there was only one thing left to do.
The Handsome is kind of sensitive about me throwing stuff away. I’m a thrower-awayer.
When we were engaged, I was doing his dishes and there was a big plastic straw in the sink. The kind you’d get for free at like Cafe Rio or Fiiz. Those don’t wash super well, so I threw it away. (You would too!)
Several hours later, The Handsome noticed it was missing.
Realizing that I had thrown it away, he dug through the trash until he found it.
‘ ‘
Next week the exact same thing happened. With that exact same straw.
‘
He didn’t intercept early enough, and this time he had to dig through the big trash can for it.‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘
TA DAAAAAAH
Side note: The Handsome has a very interesting relationship with garbage. Early into our marriage*, he confided to me that he had a special skill.
*not before, oddly.
‘
He told me the story of how, one time, he was thinking he really needed a cooler. He wanted to make a little shelter for the stray cats outside his home, and thought a cooler would be nice and insulating in the cold weather.
LO AND BEHOLD, that VERY next day, he found a cooler in the work dumpster!
He said this kind of thing happens all the time.
As though to prove it, right after this discussion we went to PETCO and he found a bunch of empty boxes we could use for packing stuff.
He really does have a super power!
PS If digging through the dumpster is illegal, please don’t tell him. It would break his heart.
Anyway, back to the button.
There I sat, trying to figure out what to do…
But The Handsome was one step ahead of me.
‘ ‘ ‘ ‘
‘ ‘ ‘ ‘
CRISIS AVERTED!!!
The man is a genius. Omgsh I love him soooooo much ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
In other news:
CONGRATULATIONS to Angie Rennie! She is the winner of “The Enchanted Sonata” giveaway. A big thank you to everyone who entered! I feel I really do know the best people ♥
One of my favorite things about writing a book is creating the book trailer.
A book trailer is like a movie teaser, but for a book. It’s supposed to get people jazzed about buying your book. I’m not sure if they actually work, but I sure do love creating them.
The book trailer for “The Enchanted Sonata” has been kicking around in my head for a few years now. This past summer I cut the animatic together.
(^^ hahaha I love that she’s copying The Handsome in this picture.)
Anyway, after the first round of filming on greenscreen came the comping and then filming the projections.
An in-process look at the filming:
Then it was more comping, and filming the live action pieces.
And then more comping together. And editing. And color correcting. And a lot of help from The Handsome <3
We just finished the trailer last week. You can watch it right now!
I’m really happy with how it turned out.
All the filming and comping and keying was a humbling process. As a kid, I never could’ve dreamed making something like this. That was before the internet and digital film making, After Effects and Photoshop. To create anything like this, it meant living in the LA area, plus huge amounts of time and money. Editing, keying, animating, distributing, all were a massive process.
Now, anyone can do this stuff at home and distribute it on the internet with the snap of their fingers. So much has changed in the past 20 years. We really do live in an amazing time. I’ll always be grateful that I’m a part of it.
Enough gushing :) It’s time for a GIVEAWAY!!!
I want to give away a copy of “The Enchanted Sonata” and YOU have the chance to not only win the book but also
this sweet li’l original 5×7 watercolor I created just for this! Wooo!
Whole package:
(Minus the sheet music, the frame, and the piano.)
Want to know how to win?? Just comment below with “WANT!” and you’re in! I will draw the winner end of this week, Saturday 11/24…so you’ll get it in plenty of time for Christmas ^_^
And, last of all, thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I really do feel like I know the best people.
The Handsome has been taking this self-defense class called Krav Maga. It’s an Israeli street fighting technique. We were nearly jumped in Puerto Rico on our honeymoon (a great story, I will share it sometime) so he is doing his husbandly duty and making sure he can punch a hole in anyone who looks at us funny <3 <3 <3 hahaha I love him <3 <3 <3
OK.
So I’ve kind of ghosted on this blog (which I miss updating!) but am happy to announce what’s been taking up a lot of my time.
BEHOLD A NEW BOOK!
wooooooooo
So y’all know that in the past I’ve written a couple of books for HarperCollins (“Entwined” being the best known). WELP these past few years I’ve been working on a new one…and now it’s finally ready to be released into the wild!
“The Enchanted Sonata” is a retelling of The Nutcracker with a musical twist. Here’s the summary:
Clara Stahlbaum has her future perfectly planned: marry the handsome pianist, Johann Kahler (ah!), and settle down to a life full of music. But all that changes when Clara receives a mysterious and magical nutcracker.
Whisked away to his world–an enchanted empire of beautiful palaces, fickle fairies, enormous rats, and a prince–Clara must face a magician who uses music as magic…and the future she thought she wanted.
“The Enchanted Sonata,” a retelling of The Nutcracker Ballet with a dash of The Pied Piper, will captivate readers of all ages.
This book was a freaking blast to write. I loved writing Prince Nikolai (the Nutcracker) and Clara and their blossoming romance, and I loved writing all the music into the story, and I loved the bad guy and the all the humor I got to put in there. I hope it’s worth the wait everyone’s had to do <3
It will be out NEXT WEEK! AAAAAAH!! You can find it on Amazon (I will put the link in the sidebar). I chose to go indie with this book because I wanted desperately to design my own cover…and it was worth it, I love how the cover turned out.
ANYWAY stay tuned! I’ll be doing a GIANT giveaway next week where you can enter to win it! Hang tight!
July was the 2 year anniversary of when my sister Katie passed away. Rough month.
But people were right–the second year was better than the first.
I still sometimes cry though :'(
My brother-in-law and their kids are doing really great. Christopher (the oldest) is on a mission right now, and their oldest girl is going to be a senior in high school and the youngest will be in 2nd grade and they’re all enjoying summer and looking forward to school too. They’re good students.
During the summer while their dad works, my mom and my sister (who both live in the neighborhood) watch out for the kids every day and tag team it. They are pretty amazing so you can bet all those kids will be amazing too.
July 6th would have been Katie’s 42nd birthday. To celebrate, her husband took the day off and their whole family did 42 acts of kindness. (Nice, right?)
They gave my mom flowers
They left quarters on vending machines
They drove into construction zones and gave the workers Gatorade
The workers were grateful :)
They also had a bunch of smiley-face balloons that they gave to sick people and little kids.
With their last balloon, they decided it would be nice to give it to a sick kid in the hospital. So my brother-in-law & 7-year-old niece asked the nurse at the station if it would cheer up anyone.
Score!
Patient 309:
It was not a kid voice.
It was not a kid.
The guy said he would have watched his language if he knew haha.
(The nurse must’ve thought he needed cheering up lol)
Last Sunday in my 6-7 year-old church class, our lesson was on sharing. All the kids told stories about how they shared and how it made them happy and then I told them about my sister’s bone marrow fundraiser and how so many people came to run the race and donated gift baskets and organized games and made cookies and muffins to sell and I was BAWLING
I’m sure the kids thought Sister Wallwork was un poco loco.
It was three years ago (has it really been that long?) but I still am so grateful and touched at how generous and giving everyone was. The world is full of wonderful people.
I promised myself I wouldn’t update until all the wedding thank-you notes were sent off. They are all pretty much mailed now (not all–but most!) and I’m so happy to be up and running again ^_^
A lot of people have asked me how I’m liking married life.
I
LOVE
IT
Seriously, being married is the best. I recommend it to everyone. When you find the right person, don’t waste any time. Just get married that same day. It is srsly so great.
Every morning The Handsome and I, we wake up all in love
And we eat breakfast (still in love)
We rush to catch the 6:54 train
(we live and die by two minutes every morning)
And then all day at work, we think mushy thoughts about each other.
When we come home that night we eat and tell each other how much we missed each other and how lonely we were without each other mush mush mush mush
And then we fall asleep in each others’ arms.
D’aaaaaw ❤ ❤ ❤
Marriage is not without it’s surprises, though.
For example, I was walking into my closet one morning, when–
GAKK
THERE WAS A MAN IN MY CLOSET!!!!
That has never happened to me before.
I’ve also discovered that I talk in my sleep. The other night I was dozing off and started talking:
Haha. Other gems I’ve said:
“Finally they put those kids in a corner.”
“Let’s fill up a bucket of water just in case.”
“I’m really glad Bernie Sanders didn’t eat the other half of that blueberry pie.” (This one is deep on so many levels.)
I’ve also discovered I’m a terrible cook.
When I was single, I lived on Cafe Rio taco soup and protein shakes. Now I need to cook *every day* and man. I am bad. I am so, so bad.
I blame Pinterest for this. They have all these amazing pictures of this incredible food and my eyes get big.
So I pin the recipe and get the stuff together for it
And throw it together kinda like what the recipe says online
And do what I can to make it fit in my schedule
30 minutes at 1600 degrees should work like a charm.
And even after ALL THAT WORK IT TURNS OUT AWFUL!!
I don’t understand it. You’d think Pinterest would at least try to vet their pins before people wasted all that time and money.
We still eat the food.
Or I should say, The Handsome still eats it. I don’t. He’s like, “Honey, don’t be upset, it’s really good!”
I love that man.
Anyway I put the plea out on Facebook and everyone sent me their easy favorite recipes and I got SO MANY!! Thank you!!!
I also got dinner, breads, and cakes left at my door.
I took a few weeks’ break to enjoy the married life, that dweam wifin a dweam.
Being married is AWESOME. I totally recommend it. Definitely worth taking a break for. But it does mean I’ve got a lot of catching up to do! There’s all these great stories about married life, the honeymoon (a Caribbean cruise…it was fabulous), moving houses, everything…things have been crazy. In fact, I shouldn’t be blogging at all. I should be cleaning or writing thank-you notes. (Er…what is the etiquette for those, anyway? I hope it’s not like within a month after the wedding or I am in big trouble. They are coming, I swear!)
This post today is about THE WEDDING.
There is SO MUCH to say about the wedding. This is going to be a BIG blog post. Brace yourselves.
We didn’t have much time to plan the wedding. It was a 2-month engagement. We are old and don’t mess around. Thankfully, I had The World’s Most Beautiful Wedding Dress™ already hanging in my closet, so I didn’t need to worry about that!*
*pictures below
I also put together style guides for all the vendors and bridesmaids and everyone involved. A style guide is basically a library of pictures and direction for what the project will look like. (Being an animation director teaches you things).
(The decorators looked at me like I was crazy when I handed this to them haha.)
The colors were white, ivory, and rose gold. I wanted to channel a very classy, vintage feel (with a touch of Mary Poppins.) I ended up loving these colors even more than I expected. They are just glamorous.
My cousin Melisa, a pastry chef, worked the cake, and Jen’s Bowdacious Bows worked on the floral and Waffle Love got reserved for catering and gosh everything just came together like a dream!
There were a few hiccups.
Like, I had no idea how much food to order. Mormon weddings are more of an open house, so you’re not quite sure how many people will show up. I stressed a bit over that.
300 less than what I ordered, it turns out.
The decorators were really frustrating to work with. (They were pretty unorganized.) I tried hard to not be a bridezilla…
But I was.
I ended up making the centerpieces.
Actually my friend Susan Arnita put the centerpieces together.
Look at how beautiful they turned out!
WOW
But I’m getting ahead of myself here.
FIRST: PICTURES!!
We got bridals/groomals done a couple of weeks before the wedding, on March 9th. This turned out to be a really good idea, because the weather was beautiful. Here are a few of my favorites:
(That DRESS, AMIRIGHT??)
^^Check out that leap. The Handsome used to be a BYU folk dancer and he has some grasshopper in his blood, I think.
Love the movement in that one
It was cloudy, but the sun came out at just the right time.
^^The picture is my favorite of them all.
GUH he’s SO dreamy <3 <3 <3
^^LOVE that bouquet. I wanted something that was glittery and pearly but soft and loose, not tight and ball-y like a lot of brooch bouquets and by golly, Jen delivered. She even made black leaves for it, it turned out sooo pretty. I have it in a vase on my kitchen table now.
I also let some of my goofy side show.
#constancehatchaway
The Handsome thought it was HILARIOUS. Our photographer, Patti Deru, was like: “I don’t understand it, but I like it!”
…but my poor mom was horrified. She didn’t want me to share these on social media.
Sorry mom.
The Handsome let some of his goofy side show, too.
Lol ^_^
Those were the bridals. (BTW, is bridals/groomals just a Utah thing? I had a couple of people asking if that was normal here. I’m actually not sure…I thought everyone did bridals, but I kind of live under a rock. Maybe someone can tell me in the comments.)
The wedding day came fast and not fast enough. A week before, the forecast looked like this:
Which was comforting.
I woke up around 5:30 AM and went to my hair person, Cindy Peterson, and she did my hair gorgeous.
I don’t have a close up pic of that but it was beautiful.
Then I headless chickened while getting ready, making sure I had my temple recommend, clothes, makeup, shoes, everything, before we headed to Salt Lake to get married here:
WOW
Didn’t take pictures inside (of course), but it was a really nice ceremony. I loved going into the sealing room and seeing the smiling faces of all my family. It made me all teary-eyed.
I nearly said “Yes” at the wrong time, and I was blushing crimson for the rest of the ceremony.
But it was still amazing.
We were released into the wild :)
The kids were so excited to see us. They welcomed Uncle Brent into the family.
Haha I have like a million nieces and nephews.
I inherited a new niece and nephew, too!
Ava, who’s 5, gave me a big hug.
I met Ava over Christmas, and she is so sweet. When she found out that I lived all alone in my townhouse, she was heartbroken.
And I was like:
And Ava was like
Hey, yeah! I could marry a homeless guy! Hahaha!
(Brent didn’t like that idea.)
Lololol. Kids are the best.
Magically, the weather held up. No rain or snow, but a storm blew up and made the pictures more interesting.
Me with my bridesmaids (and maid & matron of honor.) They were my sisters :) :)
I’m pretty sure Katie was there, too.
I had Jr. Bridesmaids too (my nieces.) They were fantastic!
It was so great to have all the family there.
After lunch at the Old Spaghetti Factory, it was RECEPTION TIME.
The church was really dolled up.
The cake, & waffles
I loved seeing all our friends and neighbors come through <3
Hahaha a big group of “Entwined” fans even came!
Awesome ^_^
My sis Emily played the piano.
She played all the best songs, everything from Mary Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Slipper and the Rose, it was a Sherman Brothers Spectacle. She knows just what I love #^_^#
The sign on the piano, it says: “All the Single Ladies – Please Take a Rose in Lieu of a Bouquet Throw.”
I didn’t want a bouquet throw at my wedding. I’ve never liked them–it’s just so sad that only one person gets the bouquet. I wanted everyone to have one. So, all the single ladies got roses.
They loved it :)
The cake cutting
Mmmm lemon raspberry.
(No face-smashing. My hands were shaking so bad it’s lucky I even got it into his mouth, lol.)
The Handsome surprised me with “Some Enchanted Evening.”
It was lovely and romantic. What a voice! (I’ll upload this recording to my youtube channel.)
And then, it was time for The Dance.
A few weeks before the wedding, I told The Handsome how much I wanted to dance the Cinderella Waltz at my wedding.
He was ON IT. (Seriously, what a dream boy!)
We spent a lot of hours getting it down.
I was sooo nervous…but it turned out great :)
A big thanks to all the people who sent me their recordings so I could cut it together.
End of the night. We made an exit.
That was magical too :)
AAAAH and the bridesmaids had decorated the car like a BOSS.
It was exactly the way a car ought to be decorated. It was gorgeous.
It had been a magical day.
Here’s to a lifetime of many more <3 <3 <3
(I really hope they’re less expensive, though.)
Thank you so much to everyone who came! I really loved seeing you all. There’s nothing better than to have the best people celebrate with you on the best day.
(Side note: some of the gifts didn’t have cards or we lost them. I’d love to send a thank you! Can you contact me if any of the gifts below are from you? (They really are lovely!))
At the end of January, Brent and I went to Disneyland <3 <3 <3
WITH some family.
(We Disneybounded as Mary and Bert :) :)
Brent hadn’t been in 18 years!! Not making this up!
We went on the newly-remodeled Matterhorn
He yodeled all during the ride :D
(YES he can yodel!!) (!!!!!!) (I love that.)
We went on the teacups <3
And the Mark Twain boat
(My sister totally took this picture, she’s amazing.)
Anyway around that afternoon, Brent took me back by the Matterhorn, handed me his phone and some earbuds, pressed play, and took off.
He had cut together a video for me!
I did.
The video started out by playing some of my favorite songs and pictures of my favorite things :)
In the video, he talked about all the things he loved about me :) :) (Aaaaw!!)
Every minute or so, the video would come up with a new screen telling me to go to another part of the park.
So I did.
It turns out a few more people were in on this!
My friends were in Disneyland at the same time–and they gave me yellow tulips at the carousel :)
(Before he’d met me, Brent had seen my animatic Gele Tulpen and had started to fall for me then :) So we both are big fans of yellow tulips.)
Another stop was by Snow White’s wishing well.
It turns out a LOT more people were in on this!
Brent had asked my family to each record a video of them wishing me well. (So I could have well wishes at the wishing well. Haha.)
This is when I started to cry :)
My aunt and her family sang the wishing well song and told me how excited they were for me.
They recorded this early in the morning, poor kids haha
My little brother and his wife wished me well
And so did my other brothers and their families :)
My other brothers’s family just screamed in excitement. Haha.
My sisters also had the most wonderful things to say :)
..And offered advice over their cocoa mug.
My sister Sarah dressed up like Thor and told me my love would be powerful enough to lift Thor’s hammer. Haha.
My sister Mary and her family told me how excited they were for me.
Their five year old, Mimi, recorded it. She ain’t bad!
Katie’s kids also recorded a video for me telling me how happy they were for me :) :)
My mom and dad wished me well, too. It was so sweet.
My mom was really nervous about being on camera so she wrote everything down on a card. (She wanted to re-record but my dad thought it was fine.) I still loved it :) (NOTE how my mom is wearing pearl earrings! Haha she’s never without them pearls.)
Then the screen did this
So I did :)
And here’s how it happened
Yeah :)
That was our first kiss :) :)
It was pretty great.
(LONGER than I expected! Hahaah! Poor guy he had waited long enough haha)
A big crowd had gathered because they saw someone was going to propose, so a lot of people witnessed it!
My sis caught this great picture.
I love it so much :) :)
If you’re wondering what he said before he got on his knee…I was in such a daze, I only remember some of it. But I do remember him saying that he loved me so much and wanted to spend the rest of his life and forever with me.
And I said
“OH YES”
So there you have it :) :) I’m going to be Heather Wallwork very soon.
VERY soon! We are totally not messing around. We’re getting married March 24th (In just 2 weeks!!) in the Salt Lake Temple.
Hahaha yay for short engagements and dreamy boys ^_^
Thankfully my sister had taken enough pictures of us in Disneyland that we were able to use them for the announcements/invites.
I love how they turned out. (BTW, if you’re looking to get invites printed up, go to uprinting.com, they offer foil options for a really good price, I’m in love.)
You should totally come to the reception! Waffle Love is catering (!!!!!)
Saturday, March 24th, 6:00-8:30 PM (dancing at 8:00)
At the white church on 3488 W. 300 N. in West Point, UT.
I would love to see you! (I’ve ordered a ton of waffles and fingers crossed they don’t run out haha.)
This was a happy post :) Thanks for sharing it with me :) :)
I came home from that first date all sort of twitterpated. This doesn’t really happen to me. Even my aunt remarked that was weird, I must REALLY like this boy. (I lived with this aunt and uncle during college, and they’d seen me come home tired and cranky from a lot of dates lol.)
Brent and I kept texting.
He found a blackmail picture of me.
I found a blackmail picture of him.
The internet is a wonderful treasure.
(He sewed that costume himself) (!!!!!)
We were starting to bond upon mutual weirdness. I hoped he would ask me out on another date…and he did :)
BRENT: Would you like to go ice skating this Saturday? ME: YES if you don’t mind me falling all the time. BRENT: Oh don’t worry I’m not great either! ME: Oh well ok!
At the ice rink:
He kept me from falling by holding my hand :)
We skated and skated and talked for hours, until the sun set and the Christmas lights started glowing and you could smell the pine and hot cocoa and it was, you know, magical :)
I learned a lot more about Brent on this date.
I learned that he was born May 1st, 1974 in Burien, Washington.
Aaaaaw what a cute baby!
He grew up in the Washington area, and liked sports and math and was a redhead <3 <3
He had an older sister and a younger sister (redheads too!)
When he turned 19, he served an LDS mission in New York North, NY.
This is a picture of him being all righteous and stuff.
Also this.
When he came back he went to BYU, and got a master’s in Structural Engineering.
Here’s a picture of his master’s thesis.
“Influence of Pre-cast Corrosion on Bond Strength of Reinforcing Steel in Concrete”
(I think it’s hilarious his last name is “Wallwork” and he majored in structural engineering. Haha.)
In the meantime, he dated some famous people.
(You know who this is, right? Right?? That’s right, folks–that is Stephanie Meyer…the lady who wrote the “Twilight” series!) (!!!!) (Apparently she asked HIM out…but then he left on his mission and she ended up marrying someone else. Too bad, he could have been RICH RICH RICH!!)
(Instead he went after me, a penniless artist/writer. Sorry, buddy.)
Now, he works for UDOT helping with grading ramps and paperwork regulations, and things like that.
He’s good at what he does but loves doing creative things even more. He’s an amazing singer
And photographer
And sculptor and animator.
He wants to have a stop motion studio in the basement.
THIS HAS BEEN MY VERY SAME DREAM!
Cray.
Anyway getting to know him was a surreal experience. It was almost like we already knew each other.
After a week and a half of dating, we were talking marriage.
I know. It happened FAST.
You’d think I’d be worried about that (especially after having an abusive ex-fiance.) But unlike all my other dates and relationships, this one felt right. From the very beginning, I just had this really strong feeling of peace, no uncertainty at all. I’d never felt that before with any other guy. And I’d dated a lot.
This is great because it means that Elsa was WRONG
And Cinderella was totally, totally right.
I love that.
(Not to get all mooshy or anything :)
Anyway where was I? OH YEAH TALKING MARRIAGE.
In the past, I had a knack for attracting mashers. “Masher” is an old-fashioned word for a guy who’s only after a girl for physical reasons. Thankfully they haven’t gotten anywhere with me, but it did make me wonder if anyone would ever like me for, you know, me. Anyway.
A while ago I drew a line: I decided that I wouldn’t kiss a guy unless we were engaged. That way I’d know he wasn’t just out for the kissy stuff–he actually loved me.
I was nervous about telling Brent this. Would he backpedal furiously and get out the relationship? Would he try to talk me out of it?
I told him anyway. And do you know what he said?
Do you know what he said?
He squeezed my hand and he said, “Then it shall be done.”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aaaaw!!!!
And I was like
And he was like
And we were like
And by golly, he was good on it!
(He did, however, kiss me on the hand, on the head, on the cheek, on the ear… And spend lots of time dunking his head in cold water.)
As you can imagine, things moved pretty quickly after that.
I met his family.
He met mine.
We went ring shopping
And the more I got to know him, the more I loved him.
I’ve gotten used to eating alone in restaurants and it’s the best.
I was totally one with myself and completely content.
But my little sister didn’t think so, and so she signed me up for a phone dating app (!!!??!?)
(She really did, too. She got my facebook login information and found pictures of me and wrote my profile up and began swiping on guys for me any everything, talk about moxie.)
This caused a problem…not because she used my password and stuff
but because my sister has TOTALLY different taste in men than I do.
I mean, how dare she.
She said FINE and handed the account over to me and I should have deleted it
BUT I DIDN’T
Ok. Online dating is like, so weird. So, so weird. In fact I have this theory that internet dating is a lot like Pinterest…you spend hours collecting all those delightful pictures…hours and hours…but you just know that you have zero intention of actually making that recipe.
Anyway, with this particular app, it presents you with a picture of the fella.
You decide in a few seconds if he’s the man you want to spend the rest of your life with
Before you drop him like an old shoe.
IF it turns out he IS the one you are going to spend the rest of your life with,
Then you swipe up
And if he has swiped up on YOU
Then it’s a MATCH!!!!
Now you can
Die of old age waiting for him to message you.
Tough one.
I ended up swiping through so many guys, I ran out of people.
This is the actual screencap.
I guess it was telling me I was too picky??
Anyway, on the second time through, there was a fella that gave me pause.
His name was Brent Wallwork.
He seemed like a legit nice guy.
This was one of his profile photos.
I thought that was pretty funny, plus I loved that he did such a good job with photography and stuff, so I swiped up.
Ok.
This boy was a little different because he started messaging me right away.
HIM: It’s a jolly holiday with Heather…Heather makes your heart so light…
ME: Hahaha BEST MOVIE EVER
HIM: So tell me a little about yourself.
ME:
Somewhere, in a dimly-lit Man Cave:
When you delete the app from your phone, it makes you and all your conversations disappear.
He found my facebook profile by googling “Heather storyboard artist”.
(There aren’t a lot of us.)
He sent me a very thoughtful FB message
It took me a week or something to respond (poor guy)
He asked me how my Thanksgiving was.
I didn’t respond.
Several days later:
HIM: Hey, can I get you some food–
ME: YES
So he took me out.
I had him pick me up at my aunt’s house, because he was in the area. My uncle, who answered the door, had no idea he was coming.
Awko taco.
Anyway we went to a swanky place nearby called Pizza 712.
We couldn’t find a spot on the street so we turned into a very dark parking garage.
And I immediately turned on the Heather Charm™
He was not like the other boys.
The next two hours were the best two hours of my life.
(And not just because I ordered the most expensive menu item called “The Three Little Pigs” pizza which had bacon, ham, and sausage.)
(Though that did help.)
(Oh come on, how can you not love that?? It’s brilliant!)
About three years ago, my love life wasn’t going so well.
I’d just been in a serious relationship where the guy used to yell at me (what a walnut) and because of this
I thought, I am REALLY bad at picking boys.
So I did what any sensible, reasonable person would do.
I decided to have someone else pick them for me.
This is a legit thing…there are actual matchmaker companies out there. They have a database of people and they make their money when people pay to arrange dates for them.
Girls get to sign up for free. (Red flag? I hear they get in free to strip clubs, too…)
Anyway, in my infinite wisdom, I signed up for one of these local sites. (This is embarrassing.)
The happy couples on their webpage looked super happy.
That was a good sign.
This particular company offered something different–they did a bachelor and bachelorette party!
Every month, they would introduce a single guy (or girl) and then hand select matches for them. They’d all gather at a fancy party where the bachelor would have 5-minute interviews with each girl, and then at the end of the night, pick 3 of them to go on a date with. (Separately, I assume.)
Anyway, the bachelor for July, his name was Garrett.
Garrett seemed like a really nice guy! He was a doctor! From California!! He was probably very very rich AND HE WAS SINGLE!
WAS I HIS MATCH???
I was pretty sure I was his match. Doctors love artists!
I must’ve passed the smell test, because a couple days later, I got an interview with one of the consultants!!!
The interview was a little weird, she didn’t talk much about Garrett. It felt more like a sales pitch.
I think she could tell I wasn’t really buying it, so the interview was short.
She’d let me know if I would be chosen for the party on July 31st.
I didn’t hear back.
Until 7:00 PM on July 30th. I got this email:
Well, darn!
Ok.
I moved on.
…For 19 hours.
The next day at work, around 5:30, I got a call:
The event was close to work, but I lived about an hour away, so I couldn’t go home and change…
So I was like:
*click*
I SKEEDADDLED
I had to do ALL THE DRESS SHOPPING!!!
I had to look amazing for Garrett! I had to try on a million dresses! I had to find one that didn’t make blood come out of my ears!
I found THE most beautiful dress ON SALE!!
Of course, I then had to buy shoes that matches, a brush to comb my hair, lipstick to touch up my makeup, a jean jacket, a belt, nylons…
By the end of the shopping spree, I’d spent (this is embarrassing) nearly a hundred dollars.
I found a church on the way that had its doors open, and I dressed up in the bathroom.
By the time I was done, I was
a
BABE.
…And an hour late.
I made my way to the address they gave me.
I was stopped on the way by a gated community. No–not gated, stonewalled. I passed under a massive archway and had to give the guy in the window with sunglasses my name, which he neatly crossed off my list.
I was beginning to wonder if I was out of my league here.
When I arrived at the house, I didn’t need to wonder any longer.
I was definitely out of my league.
The house was a freaking castle.
It was massive and on a hill.
It had its own waterfall.
They even rented their own unicorns and rainbows.
I felt so much like the girl in those Hallmark movies, where she arrives at the address she’s promised to cut grass for, and the camera pans up to reveal that the house she thought was a modest suburban home was actually a mansion was a handsome (but very lonely) single doctor inside, and they would immediately find a connection over landscape horticulture
Something good was going to happen to me tonight.
Leslie was happy to see me (even though I was an hour late) and she introduced me to all the folk who were here for the bachelor and bachelorette interviews.
They were all so super nice!
And there was FOOD!
AND IT WAS FREE!!
I had a great chat with all the nice fellas and even a lot of the girls, who were all classy, fun people!
This surprised me. I mean, we were competing for the same guy, after all. I expected them to be catty or something.
But there wasn’t a catty girl there. Not one.
It was awesome.
Before I knew it, it was time for my 5-minute interview.
There he was.
Garrett.
Leslie left us
together
alone
and…
We TOTALLY hit it off!!
There was so much ENERGY man!
We talked nonstop. He told me about his family. He asked about mine. He told me about his work, and what he liked to do, and he laughed at my jokes and there was a FIZZ in the air a FIZZ
I NEVER have that happen to me!!
When the 5 minutes was up, Leslie practically had to drag us apart
It was crazy magical
Garrett had to finish doing the 5 minute interviews, but I knew–I knew–he would be thinking about me the whole time.
And when he decided on his dates
I knew I would be one of them
It really was like a Hallmark movie.
The end of the party arrived like a dream. Leslie corralled us all together for the big announcement.
Also:
I was just moments away from my forever love <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I couldn’t wait!
Inside was…
What?
A card that said:
And that was it. That was all. Just a form rejection letter. Nothing more.
No, wait, there was something else.
A coupon from the matchmaker company.
Wha–what??
WHAT THE
My immediate thought was–and I really did think this–
“WHAAAAT??? I am WAY prettier than she is!!!!”
So, obviously, there *was* a catty girl there that night.
I was done.
Set coupon on fire
Drop sparkler
Walk offstage.
I can’t believe I spent $100 on that.
I never heard from Garrett or anyone again.
Funnily enough…not that I’m a creepy facebook stalker or anything (although I am)
I looked Garrett up a few months ago.
He was still single.
And I still have this incredible, amazing dress.
So I think we all know who really won that night.
Big news coming soon :) I can’t wait to tell you guys :) :)
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