conversations with a belz girl

So Frumpunk wanted to know more about my convo with the Belz girl which I mentioned in my previous post.

Here are a few insights:

The whole no-driving thing for women - according to my source (who is 17 years old) that rule isn't so much a halacha or like a rebbe's 'commandment' per se,  so much as it a minhag.... Apparently they're big on keeping on the same traditions as their parents - That means that if your mother never drove, you won't either. I told her how I couldn't imagine life without my car - how much independence and freedom it gives me.
But she said that the idea of learning to drive would never even enter her mind - and besides, everything she'll ever need is only a walk, taxi or ride (from a father) away.
I realized there are some pros to a no-car lifestyle - she'll never have road rage or the aggravation of looking for a parking spot.

Belz women do not wear Shpitzels - that's a Satmar trend. 
(fyi -if you're wondering what that is, here's Wiki's definition: A Shpitzel is a headgear worn by many married Hassidic Women. It consists of a web-net covering the women's head, often with a "braid of hair" across the front. It is covered by a tichel.)
Instead, Belz girls wear whatever it is their mothers wear - which is usually one of the following four options: human hair sheitel, half-human hair sheitel, sheitel+hat, sheitel+headband.

Belz girls marry Belz boys
Yes, I even discussed dating with this girl.(we're that close).
So I asked her if she would consider marrying some other type of Chassid. The answer was that her parents would very much prefer that she marry another Belzer. So there you have it.

Belz girls talk to Belz boys (in secret)
This one was kind of a shocker. Granted, the people having these illicit conversations (sometimes over the telephone, and at night!) are often related (usually cousins). She seemed pretty excited to tell me this - maybe because she hasn't told anyone else and maybe because my non-Chassidish status means there's no chance I could ruin any future shidduch opportunities for her.

Dating
So, obviously, dating as the rest of the world knows it (well maybe not including Asia or most of the Middle East) is very different from what this girl will experience.
Instead, her parents will do a bunch of research, find the perfect Belzer bochur, bring him home for a sit-in or two with their daughter - and TA DA - the wedding plans begin!
I asked her what if the guy they brought home was butt ugly or had horrible breath (she had let me know just before that handsomeness was one of the qualities she would look for in a Potential - also slightly unexpected).
But apparently, the research stage usually covers qualities such as looks, so she wasn't too worried about meeting any Quasimodos.

 ***
Ok - there you have it! My conversation with a Belz Girl summed up for your curious minds. If you have any questions, don't e-mail me. Instead, feel free to visit 13th Avenue in Boro Park and find your own Chassidish bestie. Or just ask a flight attendant to move your seat next to the hottie with the tan tights.

moving to the guy's town

For most frum single girls, the 'Willing to Relocate' checkbox on their SAYS profile is always ticked. It's usually expected that if you marry a guy who's not from where you are, you're the one who moves.

Maybe it's that way because traditionally it's been the guy who was the one with the stable job and the guy who became the principal family breadwinner. And even though women today are more likely than not to have jobs, it's still often assumed that her work is only supplementary income.

A lot of frum women actually choose professions based on their relocation-factor (could explain the surplus of OTs, PTS, teachers, etc). It's as those we're all resigned to the inevitable fact that we could end up pretty much anywhere - wherever our own Mr. Dreamy-berg resides.

On a recent flight I was seated next to a 17 year-old chassidish girl. Naturally, we became besties. I told her about life as MO, she told me about life as Belz. She couldn't believe I went to school with boys. I couldn't believe she didn't want to drive a car. It was a journalist's dream. (if only I had gone into that profession).

One interesting difference we discovered was the whole relocation issue. In her community it's the men (well, boys) who move. They're usually pretty young when they get married (no sh%t), and the guys are still learning in yeshiva - so they can almost go anywhere. It's thought that it's important for a girl to live near her parents, especially her mother (who iy'H will help her with all the grandchildren k'h - and maybe they're trying to avoid any potential bad-mother-in-law issues). Then, when the boy husband finishes learning (or they have three children, whichever comes first), he gets brought into his wife's family business.

I kind of like the Belz approach. If only because it means staying near all my family and friends. :)
Should the rest of the frum world get a little more chassidish in this regard?

kissing & not telling

I'll admit that I can be pretty superstitious ...but I was raised with a red string around my wrist.

I believe in ayin harah and jinxing and being careful about what I say (even though I do occasionally suffer from foot-in-mouth syndrome). Maybe it sounds stupid and irrational, but I know there are some things that even the most logical person cannot explain.

That's why I don't like to talk about upcoming or recent dates - with anyone.

My friends know this - and probably hate this - about me.

Because sometimes it means they get more info from reading MM than they do from asking me in 'real life'.

But I hate 'talking' - all it ever does is complicate stuff. And from past experience, 'talking' can sometimes ruin a good thing.

I don't even like hearing anything - if my friend is dating is someone, I'd rather only find out when it's actually serious. Otherwise - what's the point? I get hopeful, and when it doesn't work out between the two of them, I get heartbroken and end up feeling like a child of a breakup (and no, my parents are not divorced). 

Maybe I'm just being crazy - but aren't we all entitled to a little mishigas?

dating older men

No, I'm not talking about seniors in their 60s.
You may think I'm a golddigger (from this post), but I do have some standards.

Ok, truth is - if someone pulled out the Anna Nicole card and asked you if you'd marry a 90 year-old on his death bed in return for a few million bucks - would you say no?
But since that opportunity hasn't been presented (yet), for the sake of this post, 'old' means over 30.
I know, I'm being ageist.
And I do realize that every year I stay single, I get closer to being 'old' - but ain't no way I'm letting that happen.

A lot of shadchans ask me what my 'age limit' is.

It used to be the '80s rule' - the guy needed to have been born in the same decade as me.
I would get freaked out when I heard that someone was born in the 1970s. (more so it was the thought that someone was already rocking bellbottoms while my parents were still in high school)

Then I moved on to the '10 year rule' - 10 year age difference max.
But after turning 23, I realized that 33 is really just way too mature for me.  (mature is a much better word than old)
I don't know if I can deal with gray hairs and receding hairlines and wondering wtf the guy is doing still single. (this is horrible to think out loud, but sometimes I can't help but wonder what's wrong with the dude)

Should we be settling for Mr./Miss Good Enough ?

Time Magazine recently featured an interview with journalist Lori Gottlieb who has a new book entitled Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. (buy it here on Amazon for only $15.17).

While I haven't read the book, the title is seemingly conclusive enough that I don't have to spend money I could otherwise squander on tomorrow's sushi lunch.

I read a little bit about the author - apparently she's (still) single in her 40s, decided to have a child on her own rather than wait (forever) for Mr. Right, and wrote this book as a warning to all young women that Prince Charming is just a Disney fiction (what a novel idea) and that some of those 'toads' we so easily throw back into the pond are actually our best bet at achieving our Happily Ever After's.

The author uses her life as an example of what not to do. She claims that women have a tendency to find flaws with every potential date, and that we should not let this get in the way of finding happiness. (lest we end up lonely and bitter like her) She claims that settling is in fact the answer (perhaps to the shidduch crisis).


I hate the term 'settling'. It's pretty demeaning to all parties involved I think (the person who has settled, and the person who is being settled for). However, according to a recent episode of How I Met Your Mother (I think I'm the only female watching), in every couple there's a 'reacher' and a 'settler' - one person who marries 'up' (I think that could apply physically, intellectually or financially) and another who 'settles' on someone a 'step down'. I don't know how true that is - some spouses are equally ugly.

Mechitzahs & Talleisim - an MO love story

One of the best reasons to go to an MO shul is for the view. You just don't get the same buzz going to a tiny shtiebel where the women's section is somewhere behind floor-to-ceiling bookcases, a concrete wall or thick curtains that never move.
I've been to a few shtiebels where the women sit upstairs in a converted two-family house with only a small hole in the floor and if you strain your ears enough you can almost make out every third word of Kriyas HaTorah. The truth is, you often do get your best davening done in those shtiebelach (unless some nosy shadchan decides to sit next to you and takes the opportunity to try to find out what your father does for a living).
But there are times when you feel like getting all dolled up for shul, and an audience of middle-aged yentas just isn't doing it for you.
When you know you're looking your best, it's way more fun to go an MO shul with a Soloveichik-style mechitzah - it's like the kosher version of a nightclub - you get to see and be seen.
You know what I'm talking about - the number one reason people go to shul is for social reasons (I will admit that might hold more true for women, as we don't have the same obligation to daven with a minyan - so maybe it's number two for men... why else would kiddush clubs exist?).
Sometimes I do get tired of the show - I've actually written about that before. (surely you've read every post I've ever written? All 500-and-counting, right? If not, here it is.) So I don't let myself indulge too often - but when I do, I try to make it worthwhile.
Great views are not only exclusive to MO shuls. One of the best seats a girl will ever get is at the Karliner Shul in Meah Shearim (who woulda thunk!). There the women sit upstairs behind a one-way mirror so that they can watch the men scream out the Shema (they literally yell at the top of their lungs) without risk of being seen. (although, that view is more amusing than gratifying)

The most gratifying Shabboses happen when there's a new cute non-tallis-wearing Potential in town. I really feel for my Sephardi and Yekki friends with this one. Catching the eye of a hot guy only to discover he's only in shul for his daughter's baby naming can be quite a letdown. Why else was the tallis mandated by G-d if not to shield vulnerable young women from similar awkward situations?
Unfortunately nothing can prepare a girl who's still waiting for her beshert for the heartbreak that happens when she makes eye-contact with a total Potential (as she designs her wedding dress in her head during Shacharis) only to discover that - SHOCKER - it's his Aufruf.
Where is this post going? (Sometimes I forget because on here I tend to I write the way I think - which is one huge rambling mess.)
So ya - anyhow - my point is that sometimes a low mechitzah in an MO shul can be the answer to a single girl's prayers (maybe she remembered to say Shir HaShirim for 40 days straight).

MO dating: a sociological study

This article basically sums it all up.

(Thank you to Ezzie for posting it)

could new british law create gay orthodox rabbis?

I rarely write about current events - not because I'm not informed, but rather because the last thing this world needs is yet another outlet for depressing news stories. But then this morning I came across this article on the CNN website that I thought was MM-worthy, if only because it brought up a point that could possibly be pertinent to the 'frum community'.

So to sum up the article - basically, there's this Equality Bill that is pending in British Parliament which would effectively end discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation (as well as gender and race, etc). The catholic pope got upset because this would mean that the church could be prosecuted for turning down gay priesthood candidates. British government then countered by amending the legislation to give certain allowances when it comes to priests and ministers - but not other staff members. Feel free to read the bill yourself, if you're legal-minded.

Anyhow - whether or not this bill becomes law, with whatever amendments made to it - an interesting issue has been brought up that no doubt we will probably come across sometime soon on this side of the Atlantic. What happens then?

when being from out-of-town is great

I recently was set up with a guy who lives halfway across the country from me. I spoke to him on the phone and knew at once that he wasn't my type. I know, I know, I really should give a guy a chance. But sometimes it does pay to follow your gut  - and when something about a guy's voice gives you the creeps, there's a good chance that seeing his face might too.

Apparently the Shadchan told him that I was still living in my hometown. Which isn't exactly driveable in one date night from where this guy lives. Truth is, he often flies into the city where I am now. But I didn't exactly tell him that. I let him think that I was still back home, and probably not visiting NY anytime soon, and said something like 'oh, well, guess this won't work out' when we spoke last. 

Is that b%tchy of me? Or is geography a great reason to break it off?

keeping your woman satisfied

WARNING - this post is for mature readers only. If you're gonna be immature, at least giggle as you read - no hate mail please.

Here's the answer to something I bet all of you boys were wondering about.
Yes, frum girls talk about s$x.

For most frum single girls, the discussions usually involve a lot of speculation mixed in with obgyn horror stories. If a frum single girl's lucky, she gets a little more info from a less frum friend (and maybe even gets to live vicariously through her).

If she's really lucky, she's got a friend who's already crossed over to the married side who's willing to TALK.
Not all married friends are happy to dish about their s$x lives. Some married friends become too private to even ask you for a pad when they need one. Other married friends are willing to give you the scoop about only one little event- the wedding night (usually another horror story).

I happened to have get into a convo with a married friend who didn't mind talking, but her approach was more 'Little Midrash Says' than 'Sex and the City'. I don't think any of us minded - we were more surprised that she was willing to talk about it at all.

Anyhow - somehow it came out that her kallah teacher told her that it wasn't tznius for a woman to initiate - and that a woman cannot refuse her husband. 

WTF.

Two facts that I've never heard in my entire life. Moreover, both ideas go totally against everything I've ever learned about Judaism and taharas hamishpacha. Isn't there some kind of clause in the Ketuba that says that it's a husband's obligation to please his wife (and no similar obligation for the woman)?

Maybe I should've posted on CalmKallahs.....

when being a golddigger just wont do

I was recently set up with this fabulously wealthy guy - great catch for a material maidel right? While his looks didn't rival that of Channing Tatum, he certainly wasn't atrocious - definitely dateable. He also seemed really friendly and outgoing. Didn't exactly come off as an Einstein, which would normally bother me - but I figured if he had made all that money that he had to have some brains.
I didn't bother to do too much of a reference-check on him though - big mistake.
His family is pretty well known so I thought it wasn't really necessary. But then one night my mother happened to mention a friend of hers who is from the same neighborhood as this guy - and so I asked my mother to look into it. Can I just say THANK THE GOOD L-RD ABOVE for making the Jewish world a nice small one? Yentas are definitely great for somethings.
So I learned that while he did indeed have a lot of cash in the bank, the cash was most probably obtained by illegal means - think Madoff. That's when I did a Google search. And then I found a friend who's a lawyer to 'background' check this guy. Turns out he's been found guilty of fraud.
Great catch?
I told a friend at school about this guy and she was actually upset that I dumped him. Why? Because I could have made a ton of money getting a divorce from him in a year or two.
Interesting idea...
But chances are guys like this also lie on their income statements...

is this shiksa just for practice?

There's this non-Jewish girl in one of my classes. She's really pretty - in a more pornstar and less girl-next-door way. She has a lot of Jewish friends. And is 'seriously' dating a Jewish guy. (her plastic surgeon's probably Jewish too) She mentioned that she told her boyfriend that she would convert if he wanted her to, but that he doesn't. And that they've agreed to raise their future kids Jewish (ie have bar/bat mitzvah parties) despite her non-conversion.

One of my Jewish guy friends commented (not to her) that her guy is probably just using her for practice - that she's definitely not the type of girl a boy brings home to his yiddishe mama.

I don't know if I agree with him - neither of us have met the boyfriend in question, so this is all purely us being yentas - but I see more and more couples getting married where he's a yid, she's not - and the whole (fake) conversion thing is not even an issue. It seems like 'our generation', or rather secular Jews of our generation, care a lot less about marrying within the faith...

Comments?

dating Daniels

For some reason I feel like I go through name cycles a lot when I'm dating. I'll have entire seasons where almost every boy I get set up with is named Michael or Daniel or Josh. Granted, there aren't too many Jewish names in circulation to begin with, but why do the same exact names pop up at the same time?

Granted, it makes it a lot easier to remember their names that way (you can just say "Hi Josh" when one of them calls and chances are you get it right) As I've let you know before, I'm not too great with names. So this can be a plus.

But when they all have the same name, it means that I have to keep the facts - and voices - straight. Unless of course I remember last names (which let's face it, hardly happens) - but even so, I can't exactly imagine calling my potential husband by his last name like one of his football buddies (can you imagine - he says "Hi Sweetie", I respond "Hi Goldberg").

hi ma!

So my mother discovered my blog - I should've known it would happen eventually. I mean, she does occasionally use my laptop to play Mah Jong online.

My mom actually asked me if I was the girl behind Material Maidel. And of course I lied and told her it was my best friend's. (thanks Shaindy!) But that was only because she asked if I was a lesbian. Seriously ma, wtf (that means 'What The Blank' in blog lingo) - one minute we were watching Mad Money when I mentioned that Queen Latifah has a girlfriend in real life and next thing I know she's bringing this up. I may be a little tired of dating guys, but I'm not desperate enough to switch teams.

Apparently she read that last post about the YU Gay Panel. Well, she obviously didn't read the whole post, or any of my other posts, because she totally missed the jist. I guess my mom is really that blond :)

Ma - you still reading?

bad blind dates

You know those movie montages that they show in romantic comedies where the heroine goes on a series of bad blind dates with a series of bad blind date stereotypes?

For the past week or two, that's been my dating life in a nutshell.

Science geek from the Midwest who has hobbies such as reading? Check.
Sleazy Brooklyn hocker who mysteriously has millions? Check.
Ivy League grad who wants to talk about Nietzsche? Check.
Volunteer Hatzolah dude who gets excited about crazy trauma cases? Check.

Why can't I meet guys who are... normal.... you know - whose lives aren't ripped out of the pages of a movie script by the Coen brothers?

I hate getting frustrated about dating (see New Year's resolution, below). And I hate being corny.... But when will the 'happily ever after' part kick in?

being material & dating beneath my income bracket

Am I a golddigger?
I started wondering about that after someone brought up the whole Tiger Woods scandal at the Shabbos table last week. I made the argument that his wife knew what she was in for. Her story is reminiscent of a Jackie Collins novel: European blond aspiring-model moves to Hollywood, lands nanny position for famous tennis pro, marries even more famous tennis pro. She was looking for money & fame, and she got it.
Interestingly enough, my dad came to her defense - what's wrong with a woman wanting to marry well? Aren't I hoping for the same?
Well no dad, I'm not hoping to marry some kajillionaire who is definitely likely to cheat on me. But I'll admit that financial security is near the top of my checklist in my search for 'the One'.
I recently went on a date with a guy who was very sweet, very nice, a lot of fun to be around. But I just couldn't get over the fact that if things went well, that I would make more money than him. I was actually more relaxed than usual on that date because even before we met I went into it thinking I couldn't possibly get serious with someone who did THAT for a living. I'd tell you what 'that' was, but then you'd really think I was a snob.
I told my friend this and she said I was nuts. But I like the idea of a man being the main breadwinner - it makes a man seem more manly. I like to think I'm actual being post-feminist about this. I chose to go to school, to get a great education, to seek out a real profession (ie I didn't do the typical Brooklyn girl thing which is to go into special ed or one of those 'therapies' - today's version of the 'secretary or teacher' option of the pre-feminist 1950s, in my humble opinion). But I'd also like to choose to stay home when I have kids (IYH, of course) and not have to worry about extending mat leave after just 3 months like so many women I know.

Am I asking for too much?

girls are prettier than boys

I get this email from some new blogger saying he just mentioned me in his second post (wow, maybe I was his inspiration). He then says that it's "not in a positive way".

Sh$t - I thought I'd find some serious mm-bashing over at his site (btw dude, if you're looking to get traffic, maybe this isn't the best way to get another writer to help you out). The post wasn't as horrendous as I thought - it was actually more about how Shadchans and girls are decieving in the adjectives they choose to describe potentials (as in, saying a girl is a model when she's really a plain jane).

I hate when guys ask if the girl I'm setting them up with is pretty - it's so subjective. If you hate someone, they'll always be ugly to you. And girls and guys often have different views about what is attractive. I can't count the number of times a guy friend would point out a 'hot' chick who I thought was a serious 'not'.  

That blogger mentioned me because apparently I describe all my friends as gorgeous. Which is true. I do think all my friends are beautiful.

I was at a friend's houseparty recently and one of my besties, (the gorgeous) Shulamis, commented that the girls there were way better looking than the guys. (lol, can you imagine if a guy said this about people of his own gender?) I think this is true in general. Maybe human female DNA is set up that way - kind of like a reverse male peacock thing. Maybe it's because girls typically spend more time on personal appearance. Maybe it's because we have more beauty tools at our disposal than men do. A girl can put on a little mascara, some blush and gloss and she looks amazing. Guys can.... shave?

getting old - er

So one of my very dear friends, Zahara, just celebrated her big 3-0. (happpy birthday girl!)

The nice thing about having friends who are older than you, is that you get to stay young-er longer. The nice thing about having an 'older' friend like Zahara is that you realize that 30 isn't as scary as you once thunk. Thirty does not equal wrinkles or gray hair or the end of youth. Zahara is one of the most energetic, fun-loving, gorgeous, hysterical people I know (and did I mention, single? altho... I have a feeling this won't be for too long). If her turning 30 gives me a teeny glimpse into my own not-so-distant future (because let's face it - time flies when you're out of high school), then I'm not worried.


I don't think there is anything more sad or more pathetic than someone who is in their 30s, 40, whatever (well, maybe someone who is in their 20s) and seems to walk around with a 'still single & desperate' sign across their forehead. It's actually one of my pet peeves about living in NYC -EVERYONE is on the meet market and everyone is obsessed with finding their 'perfect' match - and it's all everyone seems to talk about. I've met so many girls in NYC (come to think of it, most my age) whose favorite topics of convo are dating, sheitels and wedding halls (maybe they all need to get their own blogs to get it all out). And the absolute worst thing that could happen to one of these girls is to end up 30 and (G-d forbid) single. Which could explain why girls who are 30+single in the city seem to have such hateful looks on their faces...

Right now, 30+single isn't something I'm planning on, and I'll admit, it does sound a little frightening. But then, so does 30+broke or 30+jobless.

Thank G-d for friends like Z!

sipping tea in a non-kosher resto

So a good friend of mine invited me to his birthday event that is going to be held this week at a cute Moroccan eatery - one problem: this place may have a hechsher, but it isn't kosher.

He's a great guy and I'd love to be there to help mark his quarter-century b-day, but I just don't know how comfortable I'd feel sipping mint tea while everyone else around me digs in to shawarma and lamb kebabs. And then there's that whole 'Maras Ayin' thing...

I've been in that situation before - where my yetzer harah (a.k.a. hunger) got the better of me and I'd succumb to my stomach and order the most veggie thing on the menu. But then one day I found a piece of bacon (not a bit, but a chunk) in my green tossed salad and that was the end of living life on the kosher edge.

Nowadays, almost all of my closest friends keep kosher and eating out is never a problem (thank Hashem for good friends - and espesh good kosher friends). It's nice to have friends who love your fave sushi shop as much as you do, and who don't balk at the prices on the menu, or say that kosher wine/food is lousy. (or ask if the crab is real) And it's def nice to not have to explain the whole kosher thing each and every time you go out to lunch.

So back to my dilemma - do I go and have my tea? Or do I stand my kosher ground?


UPDATE - Venue was changed to accomodate the kosher! (great time had by all :) )

what's the best way to break up?

One of my besties, Leah, recently went out with this guy who she is def not interested in. Some people call that a favor to the 'matchmaker' (clearly she hasn't been doing her job that well). Some people call that a pity date. Some people call that a free coffee on a night when there's nothing good on TV. I pass no judgment. We've all been there.

But what happens when the night is over? How do you break the news to your date that there will be no second chance? Without feeling guilty for breaking his heart? (you know his heart's involved when he's called you at least three times since)

When you're met through a Shadchan, the process is a tad more simple. Unless of course she's set you up with someone she's related to (in which case, you shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place - it's almost as bad as an office romance).

But if the person who set up you up isn't exactly on 'Shadchan madreiga' (ie, it's some random who knows you both), then the ball is in your court to put the game to an end.

So how do you do it? Do you say it in person at the end of the first date? Wait for Date #2? Do you have to call someone to break up with them? Or can you just send them an e-mail/bbm/text message? Or is break-up by text message today's version of Carrie's cold-hearted post-it? (SATC fans, you know what I'm talking about)

Leah called me for advice, but unfortunately I've never been great at break-ups. I've never actually been broken up with (I know, so hard to believe). And I'm prob THE worst person to give advice on this - I usually just tell guys I've either met someone else or that it's really bad timing because I'm going to Israel the next week. Seriously, I've used that.