Jazzy Goat

This dude really made a movie poster about placing sanctions on another country https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1058388700617498625 …

The fact this has 0 likes, makes it even better

I would pay off my debt :D #TMobileONE

I’m so forgettable, even my therapist has to ask for my name

Me: I’m going to name my e cig “Ra’s Al Juul” Boss: Jesus. *stands up and leaves the room*

My four year old philosophy: Some chips are spicy, but some chips are not. And that’s ok.

When does Obama’s Comedy Central Stand up air? I’m really liking his post-POTUS hobbies better than W painting weird, creepy shit. #Obama #https://twitter.com/The_UnSilent_/status/1055962358680600576 …

“I play with this kitty like you play with your guitar” - Cardi B

I hug my bartender more often than my parents.

Wife: I need 4 empty beer cans. Do we have any? Me: I got you Wife: no, I mean just 4 empty’s laying around Me: *chugging my beer* na, but anything you babe #drunk

Wes: I’m bringing a plus one to this party next week Me: So your taking me right? Wes: no.....probably someone attractive... or who has style.

Me: talking to you is like looking at an m c Escher painting @Sauteethesteak : I don’t know who that is an I’m not going to google it and I’m not going to give you the satisfaction of having a successful joke

I put gin in my sleepy time tea. Doesn’t taste great, but I’m definitely sleepy. And tipsy.

So, in that movie Avatar...they technically have sex with horses, right? That was a weird movie.

Me: Hey which phone do you think this is? The pixel 3 or the 3 XL @Sauteethesteak: *moves closer- promptly sneezes on my arm* Whoops, my bad. I didnt really sneeze on you. . . .ok I sneezed on you.

META AS FUCKhttps://twitter.com/natasharothwell/status/1049438777762926593 …