Guaranteed reposts.
x3Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles"
After hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day"
The man is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?"
Me: "John."
Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right again, now look at that white cat walking around - how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: "I don't know. A lot?"
Homeless man: "Well John, how do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"
Hey Reddit: Want to write better? Eliminate grammatical mistakes, wipe out wordiness, and let your ideas shine. See for yourself why over 15 million users are hooked on Grammarly's free writing app.
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.
"Thats amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. Were thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! Wed be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.
"Things couldnt be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact its better than its ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.
"Im afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, cant you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.
Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
...to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.
Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."
It just says “page not found”
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
The poor guy had no arms, legs, or body and was just a head kept alive to the mercy of machines.
He sat by the window, day in and day out watching all the other boys play baseball in the field across the street, the dogs sprint to catch their frisbees, and the birds fly around so gracefully. He would give anything he had to be able to walk, or even crawl instead of sitting inside all day.
One day his mother comes to him in tears and tells him, "Johnny, I have wonderful news! The doctors found an organ donor and the parents have agreed to give you his whole body!"
Johnny endures countless hours of surgery and months in the hospital. It takes him even longer to learn how to use his new body and to walk. After about a year, the doctors and physical therapists finally release him to go home.
He is filled with an indescribable amount of joy. He finally arrives home and the first thing he does is look out that same window.
"Finally," he thinks to himself, "I can run and be free like everyone else."
Johnny walks to the door, opens it, and runs toward the baseball field as fast as he can. Halfway there he gets hit by a car.
He is killed on impact.
The moral of the story: Quit while you're a head.
Because the first cousin was great!
They are the highest forms of flattery.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.
"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"
"That's amazing, but I don't think I can afford that" the woman answers
"OK, no problem. For $100 this parrot is incredible. It was raised in the home of Sir Andrew Motion, it knows the complete works of Eliot, Wordsworth and Whitman and will recite their poems on command."
"That's incredible, but I can't afford that one either"
"OK, OK, I see you want a slightly more budget option. This next parrot is only $50. He's wonderful. He used to be Andrew Lloyd Webber's parrot, and he knows all the show tunes. He whistles any show tune you like, on command."
"Wow, that's great. It's still too expensive though. What can I get for $5?"
The shopkeeper looks at her, and with a shrug goes into the back room and brings out another parrot. It's beautiful, the colours are far more radiant than the other three, it stands proud in its cage, a truly majestic looking bird.
"What a beautiful parrot! Why is it only $5?"
"It was raised reading /r/jokes and repeats the same three jokes 100 times a day"
He hears that a church needs a bell ringer, so he goes to apply. The priest says, "I'd like to hire you, but can you ring the church bell?" The guy answers that he certainly will, so they go up to the bell tower. There is a large brass bell, and the guy takes three steps back, runs full force, hits the bell with his forehead and the bell rings a beautiful peal. The priest is impressed and gives him the job. Everything goes well for a few months, every hour the guy runs up the stairs and rings the bell. Then one day he his the bell wrong, he gets knocked out of the tower by the swinging bell, falls 80 feet and splatters on the sidewalk. A crowd gathers round, and finally a policeman shows up. He asks, "Does anyone know this man? Who is he?" A man in the crowd says, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."
people who are vaccinated live long enough to figure out their sexuality
She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free." The farmer agrees. The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet. As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?"
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
14.7m
Subscribers
18.1k
Online
The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!