underchilde

You never really get a good grasp of the best women. All you can hope for is that they'll dance around your fingers like smoke for a while.

My body is moderating a probiotics vs antibiotics debate. brb.

The vicious crone cackles to herself. One of her victims has shown vulnerability through kindness. More cuntish cruelty can be spewed.

Neighbour came to say hi and I'll recall her name as it's the "redhead in the cartoon". I watch too many cartoons and this will be awkward.

She's as ready to take offence as a terrier wanting to bark

Godzilla had the right idea

The only way I could hate Trump MORE is if he were in line in front of me at Chipotle with a list of burritos for like 20 different people.

My favorite thing is self deprecation. I'm like a superhero of hating myself.

[At therapy] One more time Losing keys? Bad Losing control *I start dancing saying I think I like it* Therapist tosses notes in the air

[Shipwrecked with a bunch of Ninjas] Journal entry #1: Even Ninjas get tired of playing hide and seek.

Me : *Getting tazed by the cops* Ooooh! Aaaaaah! Uuuugh! Cop : Are you having a stroke? Me : Or... Or... ORGASM! Another hit please.

"It's what's on the inside that matters." - Ugly people.

Does Steve Bannon seem sleazy just because of his investment TV show or role in alt-right media? No, he was also a banker at Goldman Sachs.

Welcome to the post-funny world.

Start with the truth and I'll take you everywhere.

Sometimes the truth you learn is that it was all a lie.

She always felt like she was running out of time, and sometimes she was.

With searing eyes she clenched her fists. Her blood pressure boiling as she aggressively walked toward the table. Her nachos were gone.

Just opened Twitter to pass the 5 mins before the start of the teleconference. Missed the teleconference