MꙬse Allain

Product idea: Moss Piano - for people who like the sound of gently fingered moss.

My wife and I met on a dating site for golfers. We just clicked on the links.

The more I hear about inverse proportion, the less I like it.

"Feel" 'calmer' "about" 'misplaced' "apostrophe's" '&' "quotation" 'mark's' "by" 'pretending' "they" 'are' "typographical" 'bunting'.

"What time shall we meet?" "Half ten" "Five then?" "Yes"

Alright Rees-Mogg, we get it, you speak Klingon. Jeez, grow up!

I'd love to be Archbishop of Canterbury one day. Perhaps I'm being overambishops.

My main hope is that the UK enters a strange limbo during decades of legal wrangling and we end up as some kind of magical realist nation.

I think about this @MooseAllain tweet a lot these days. It's probably the best case scenario.https://twitter.com/MooseAllain/status/746809588356358144 …

Yes. Good thread.https://twitter.com/StanCarey/status/887242802249306112 …

I crossed a bloodhound with a sausage dog and ended up with a litter of little black puddings.

Parsnip: like catnip, but for parsons.

Every day I walk past this and every day it scares the shit out of me. https://www.instagram.com/p/BWrhtBLAPOL/ 

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

My dad's got a lovely gaydar from the 1950s, which detects when people are happy.

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a "thirsty boy"