Tragic Ally

The most important part of living in the suburbs is having a sticker on your SUV that tells people what sport your kid plays.

My sole purpose in life is to trick ppl into believing my eyelashes are real. That & raise my boys to be kind. But mostly the eyelash thing

Imagine having a haircut half as stylish as a woman in a movie who chops hers with kitchen shears in a gas station bathroom.

TOP 10 FUNNIEST TWEETS OF JANUARY from @TrueTorontoGirl @DickScurvy @Fickle_Filly @dafloydsta @TragicAllyHere http://ow.ly/z14Q308yjST 

Achievement unlocked: Legendary Sadness

I wonder if there's a velociraptor out there that fantasizes about me as much as I fantasize about velociraptors?

Emi Burr, in 4th grade you wouldn't let me hold your new Girl Scout knife. I’m ready to forgive you if the warden is allowing you visitors.

I've been trying to make new friends. Mostly out of clay or knotted skinny balloons.

"Unexpected item in the bagging area" Me: What could- Criss Angel climbing out of a carton of eggs: Mindfreak!

A family of ducks walks into a church. "Hi, yes, umm...I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?" The father asks timidly.

The weirdest thing about homophobia is how people can think that loving someone is a bigger sin than hating someone.

any project can be a Do-It-Yourself project if you sabotage all of your meaningful relationships

HEY DON'T BE SCARED OF US EVEN THOUGH OUR MOUTHS ARE KNIVES. - birds

Will I understand America's Next Top Model if I haven't seen America's Current Top Model?

i have been extremely mad for the entirety of 2017

{my first day as a tour guide at the Grand Canyon} If you look to your left you'll see HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS THERE'S A HOLE WHO DID THIS?

Trump is short for Tyrannosaurus Rump