The Worst Things For Sale

The snowman, smiling, says, “Here’s your Amazon Gift Card. I waited until December 23rd to get you something, but I didn’t want to drive to Best Buy.” As giftless as this gift is, if you participated in a Secret Santa this year and got one of these, you made out better than anyone else at your job and broke even on your twenty-dollar-limit by receiving $20 worth of Amazon in exchange for the $20 you spent on someone else’s mug.

After all, the most heavily-marketed Secret Santa gift I could find this year, apart from gift cards, was the Pou-Pourri Secret Santa Toilet Spray, which lets you look your coworker in the eye and wordlessly tell them that you can smell their workdumps.

Sadly, if you order this “on sale” fountain today, it’ll arrive after Christmas. And saving a thousand bucks doesn’t mean much when it costs this much, anyway.

In a world where there is no option to disposing of mucus in a sanitary fashion, The Booger Bin solves that very problem. The choice of flicking your booger out into the room you’re sitting in and wiping it inside The Booger Bin is a false dichotomy, of course, but this is a world where you can sell cotton balls at a one-billion-percent markup by calling them Snowman Poop. Anything goes, here.

No, it’s not a grossout video. It’s a delusional book written by the author of Idris Elba & Me & 26,000 Adopted Kids In Mexico and Roll His Eyelashes He Brought Me 10,000 Mascara Rollers. The rant contained in the description of each of these books is too long and bizarre to include here, but it’s a must-read if you have 60 seconds to spare right now.

The scent of Chemical Guys Stripper Scent is meant to replicate the smell of a strip club. Whether or not it does that is up in the air, but customers have reported that it will eat the paint off of surfaces you spray it on.

Edible shotglasses made with this mold probably taste like cookies, but they’re also probably the least appetizing thing you could cook out of cookie dough.

Not even edible glitter could make them look good.

Attempting to land in the middle of the venn diagram of “adults who color” and “adults who tie each other up” is The BDSM Coloring Book. The customer pictures show that it’s filled with low-grade collages of clip-art, but this is less troubling than the customer review that reveals the author got caught bringing a 17-year-old girl across state lines to have sex with her.

So, unless you’re into funding the sex-travels of a pedophile, but your temperament demands you color in something sexual, you might want to stick with the Sex Position Coloring Book. Or The Fetish Coloring Book. Or, as far as I’m concerned, you could go straight for the unfortunately-named Adult Coloring For Dummies. You’re the one coloring in coloring books, not me. When I need to “unwind” I drink beer and murder people on Playstation like a normal damn American.