John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

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Biden Donates Collection Of Classic Skin Mags To Those In Need During Holidays

WASHINGTON—Saying he hated the thought of the less fortunate having “an empty spank bank,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly donated a large collection of classic skin mags to a homeless shelter Monday to help those in need during the holidays.

In The News

Study: Average Person’s Enjoyment Of Vacation Drops 36% For Each Additional Family Member Present

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Finding consistent results across all types and durations of vacation, from multi-week cruises to brief weekends spent camping, a report released Monday by the University of Maryland revealed that the average person’s enjoyment of their time away from work or school drops 36 percent for each additional family member present.

Obama Clears 2,000 Square Miles Of U.S. Airspace For New Free-Range Drone Preserve

WASHINGTON—Providing the unmanned aerial vehicles with ample space to gather and fly around unfettered, President Barack Obama signed an executive order Wednesday setting aside nearly 2,000 square miles of airspace over western Montana as a federally protected free-range drone preserve, sources confirmed.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Report: There Still Time To Convert To Christianity Before Christmas Starts

Electoral College Does What It Was Either Designed To Do Or Explicitly Designed To Prevent

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In The News

Study: Average Person’s Enjoyment Of Vacation Drops 36% For Each Additional Family Member Present

Obama Clears 2,000 Square Miles Of U.S. Airspace For New Free-Range Drone Preserve

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

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All The Lame Recommendations We Got For What To Do In Seattle In 2016

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Our Annual Year 2016

Our Annual Year 2016

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