Dogs doing things

Dogs sneering, "See you in Hell," and seeing you in Hell later, sighing, "Hey."

Dogs waving a bottle of gin in your face and conducting a survey titled "Can you drink this, and if so, how quickly?"

Dogs observing that just because it makes you stronger doesn't mean it's not killing you.

Dogs demanding of the face in the mirror, "I'm drunk, are you drunk??"

Dogs swallowing a grenade and posing for an animated selfie filter that turns exploding viscera into rainbows.

Dogs waking in the middle of the night, gasping, "Am I DEAD??" and leaning back again, sighing, "No."

Dogs observing of a rotting, putrescent landscape, "The rent was too damn high."

Dogs asking of the face in the mirror, "Am I still drunk?" and concluding days later, "Yes, I am still drunk."

Dogs releasing an animated selfie filter that plays all the horrors of human history before your eyes when your civilization collapses.

Dogs observing the old adage, "Drunk on a Monday, flar-fa-hoo dooba-dun-dee."

Dogs living your same life exactly, only with the benefit of hindsight.

Dogs proclaiming at the beginning of the universe, "Let there be light," and observing at the universe's end, "It was lit."

Dogs sighing, "I wish—" and taking a long drag on a cigarette, lamenting, "I wish I could blow you up with my mind."

Dogs praying for a long life and a comic death.

Dogs arguing, "A million dollars isn't cool, you know what's cool?" and pulling on a ski mask, noting, "Stealing a million dollars."

Dogs indicating an incoming asteroid, urging, "Wait for it."

Dogs advising a newborn, "Can't stop, won't stop."

Dogs proclaiming as a series of mushroom clouds blossoms on the horizon, "Now I am become— Now— Now I am become death."

Dogs advising Arianna Huffington, "Go the fuck to sleep."

Dogs observing at the cessation of all life on Earth, "Oh no, whatever, who cares."

Dogs observing of your desperate poverty, "The world is merely an illusion."

Dogs gesturing weakly toward life on Earth, urging, "Please. Go on without me."

Dogs saving the Earth from certain doom and then immediately destroying it.

Dogs hurling Earth's first murder weapon high into the air and looking forward millions of years in the future to the invention of Uber.

Dogs observing that things could be worse and assuring you that in time, they certainly will be.

Dogs using Earth's first technological innovation as a murder weapon and lecturing you for the next five million years about "disruption."

Dogs scoffing, "The money monster?" and indicating a frothing, misshapen ape, adding, "Are you sure you don't mean the monkey monster?"

Dogs waking in the middle of the night, gasping, "Now I have become the money monster."

Dogs inscribing on your tombstone, "FAIL."

Dogs inscribing on your tombstone, "ASK ME ANYTHING."

Dogs observing at the end of a life lived in sin, "Oh, YEAH."

Dogs indicating your feelings and asking pointedly, "Are you going to eat that?"

Dogs wondering whether anyone ever really cares.

Dogs observing that the only real struggle is class struggle.

Dogs observing that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a fetishized, obsolescent decorative item.

Dogs walking stoically into a howling void as the closing theme to The Incredible Hulk television series plays softly in the distance.

Dogs informing candidate Trump in his first classified intelligence briefing, "We're so fucked."

Dogs experiencing that feeling when you begin to suspect that somehow, at some point, you ruined your chances of ever being happy.

Dogs chugging a bottle of wine and realizing with a start, "The world is a vampire."

Dogs gazing too long into the abyss and groaning from the bottomless depths of eternal damnation, "It me."

Dogs discovering the true source of authenticity and immediately using it to sell you shit.

Dogs calling you in the middle of the night and rasping, "I can do bad all by myself."

Dogs chugging a bottle of wine and realizing with a start, "I am invincible."

Dogs walking slowly and stoically into space as the Earth is consumed in a fiery explosion.

Dogs observing as the corpse of Joe Paterno lies stinking on the sands of some forgotten shore, "I have no problem with this."

Dogs noting, "Despite all my rage—" and standing silent for several seconds before stammering, "Uh, uh, uh—FUCK."

Dogs observing to your rotting corpse, "Wait for me."

Dogs observing at the moment of your death, "But what a hot bod."

Dogs swapping faces with death.