Chris Fleming

can't go to parties anymore cause i just get FLANKED by some guy in board shorts who wants to teach me to lucid dream

See me @ToddGlass @thekatydids @danlevy @chrisfluming for my album release show at the @HollywoodImprov Lab at 10PM! http://goo.gl/4Ahgk1 

Does @BuzzFeed pick their on camera talent by going to hypnotist shows and seeing which audience volunteer hams it up a little too much?

Cyclists are like crows they never forget you if you've wronged them

Don't know how many more times I can see someone get iced by a toddler who "really loved [them] last time!"

the one thing scorpios have in common is that they love to tell you about how they're scorpios

My New Special is on @netflix RIGHT NOW! Please Watch it.

cars pulling over for ambulances then waiting too long to start driving again: SUCH suckups. oh you want extra credit??

just know that your uncle has prob been put on the spot, panicked, and listed "Adele" as some of the music he's into right now

liberal arts college regrets https://www.instagram.com/p/BD2Affkvw2Z/ 

i love margaret cho v. much !!https://twitter.com/margaretcho/status/722836512644198400 …

something kinda sinister about seeing taylor swift have a good time..like did you really need that?

ever have a friend get into hats without telling you? So distancing

what if through a major oversight in the new jungle book steve buscemi plays an animal just as himself in piss poor makeup w/like whiskers

in jail I'd have to try SO hard to not do something ruinous like sing that punky cover of Breakfast at Tiffany's in my sleep

don't understand getting dessert as a social thing, I wanna eat that stuff completely alone under a bridge hissing at geese

Have Rob Thomas and Santana talked since Smooth? You know Rob's texting him every few weeks suggesting trivia nights and shit; radio silence

Would rather talk to poutine than an actor weighing grad school options

right when I wonder where so-and-so has been the last few years they post a picture of themselves RIPPED &READY TO LEAD A FITNESS REVOLUTION

always figured I'd have more Dalmatians in my life

"is Astrid not working today?" I just asked at my favorite health food store, before promptly turning into a Birkenstock

is this a sufjan stevens song or an 8th grader trying to talk his way out of track and field practice

*gets to end of buzzfeed quiz* You Are: the Phantom of the Opera! You are disfigured and controlling!

guys who drop "Fair Enough" in conversation always do so with THROBBING 3 inch erections

people who use their middle and last name on facebook, who do you think you are? the inventor of the brioche?

when sports bros discover We Will Rock You is actually a gay anthem they're gonna commit supuku with their foam fingers

just passed out in my kitchen thinking about all the inside jokes the cast of Orange is the New Black has

always envious of those who smugly order"their drink" at bars, won't be able to do that til they make a drink called the Kiwi Kiwi Slam Slam

ever get a pimple under the eyebrow? I'm like stay as long as you'd like, beer's in the fridge, wifi password is AvrilLavigneFan87

somebody who starts singing along halfway through a song they're hearing for the first time CANNOT be trusted

u kno those embarrassing family names 4 things that u think r the actual name til u use it&people look at u like ur a threat 2 natl security

went to a Korean Spa and got reprimanded for being nude in the wrong area, now ready to write my triumph-against-all-odds Kelly Clarkson hit

Cha Cha now y'all! 150 hops this time. Now suck the wall! Bite your buddy y'all. Now Liiiiiiiieeeee to a ghost!

I don't keep in touch with anybody I've ever gone to hibachi with

My target weight is zero

sorry for bragging about my weight loss