Today marks the start of a new year. However, whether this is the start of something new or more of the same, my life is on a special course, which means that I have work to do.
I have a job, which I call my day job. This is the job that pays my bills and keeps a roof over my head.
At the same time, I have a second job which pays me close to nothing at all.
Instead, this is the job that pays my heart.

Meanwhile, today is a day of truce.
This is the first day of the year 2024.
Imagine that?

It is the last day of this year on earth and for whatever the reasons may be, the planets have decided to allow me another year around the sun. I see no reason to look back nor do I find any answers that are valuable enough for me to rethink where I am now because, of course, I’m at where I’m at.
I’ll be where I’ll be.
And what’s to come is what’s to come.
There’s no point in discussing the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” ideas because whatever could’ve happen, did happen, and whether this is what should’ve happen is irrelevant to me now.
We’re at where we’re at. And we’ll be where we’ll be.
Anything else is out of our hands.

 I don’t know if there really is a real world. I only know what’s real to me, which is subjective of course. Yes, this is only subject to me and my interpretation and perception.
I know this –
I think about this thing we call our “real life” and at the same time, I wonder what this means.
Is anything real? Am I? Are you? Is this all a story someplace in a book? And us, we’re just characters in a plot where the universe watches to see if we’ll finally get the hint.
Maybe this is all a version of something that we’ve dreamt about or made up in our heads?
That could be too.
No?

This is a day that I will always remember. Yet, the day is fine for now.
It has been years since The Old Man passed. So much has happened. I have grown some. I’ve moved around quite a bit.
I’ve learned and I’ve changed. I’ve circled back and then stepped forward, only to find the need to circle back again. Once more, I come to an intersection of my life where I need to ground myself with a better sense of belonging.

I think it was years or maybe it was for as long as I was alive.
You tried to tell me. You tried so hard but, of course, I hardly listened.
Then again, isn’t this the trouble with kids?
They never listen . . .

I can see him standing there in the sunlight. He is my creator.
He is the one who helped bring me into this world. He is my first hero. He is my introduction to manhood and mentor, leader, teacher and Father.
I can see him standing in the sunlight and looking out from the shoreline.
The sun is beaming down on him. He has salt and pepper hair that is being swept by the wind.
It is summertime. I am young in this vision; however, as I look at him through my youthful memory, I look at him through the eyes of the man I am today.
I want to go back.
I want to tell him.

I said goodbye to organized religions a few years back.
Then again, I never said goodbye to my beliefs nor have I forgotten the traditions I was raised with. I have not forgotten the customs of my background or my heritage either.
In fact, I go through different holidays in my own way. I have my own regard for the spirit of the seasons.

For example, there is something called the Days of Awe, which are the days before the New Year and the Day of Atonement. This was something I was brought up with.
I go through this every year; however, my days of awe are not the same as the ones that take place during the High Holy Days.

It is warm for this time of year. December, I mean.
Perhaps this side of purgatory is expecting a mild winter. But who knows?
The idols we cherish have all but sworn off their poisons and to this day, I still can’t understand the how’s or why’s of life as it stands before me. However, I am fully aware that it has taken me 18,723 days to get to where I am. Nothing is so accidental anymore, at least not really.

Today is Christmas Eve, Sunday, December 24, 2023.
I say this and I also understand this might be obvious to you or to someone else out there in the universe who might choose to read this entry.
At the same time, I want to recognize the date.
I want to recognize the time and the weather, which is currently gray and, for now, the streets are mainly quiet. My little side of suburbia is modest and the streets are mainly uneventful at the moment.

There are so many variables that we deal with in life. There are the daily things that happen. There’s work. There’s the people we interact with. Then there are the unexpected casualties and the unforeseen tragedies. There’s love or the lack thereof. There’s friends and then there are the friends we have who weren’t really friends at all. There is a bit of everything under the rainbow down here on Project Earth.
There’s life happening. All day and every day. 

It is the time of year where all around us is dressed in holiday lights. It’s Christmas time. While this is a time for hope and a time for giving, there are people who do not share the same sentiment or find the same enjoyment for this time of year.
And I get it. . .
I really do.

It’s true. The world is a crazy place. Everyone is crazy. Then again, maybe this is a good thing, to be crazy, I mean.
Maybe crazy is only a relative term. That could be true.
I say crazy but when I do, I do not mean crazy in a derogatory sense or to demean or degrade us as certifiable.
I do not mean this as if to say that any of us are out of sorts, or worthy of a straightjacket, or in need of some quiet time in a rubber room.
Well . . . maybe sometimes.

This one here . . .
This one is from the heart.
So, by now, we have talked about finding the little things which make us happy.
We’ve talked about the greatest finds in our life, such as unexpected money in our pockets and other things like that. We talked about the unexpected pleasures of being reminded of happy times. We talked about love.
We talked about navigation and how to maneuver through this crazy life of ours.
Wild, isn’t it?

Ah, the Mother. There she is.
The Great Almighty, Mother Earth, The Universe, The Powers that be. Or, to whomever this may concern.
These are the hands of fate which sew the world, like eyelets to a shoe and bring us together. All of this is done through a vehicle which we call fate and destiny.
It’s all out there.

And when it rains, it pours. Or so I hear.
They say that the downpour should start soon, at least this is what the weatherman says.
We are supposed to expect high winds and heavy rains, which is fine for today.
No really, this is fine with me.

I was thinking about those little things again. Believe it or not, this is where happiness lives – in the little things.
These are the things that let you know when people are paying attention. You know because it’s the details people notice when they care for you. That’s me right now, selfish because of a feeling I have yet I’m smiling because it is me who thinks that perhaps giving a gift to someone you love is more mutual than we pay attention to.
To be clear, it’s not the big gifts or the expensive things that touch the heart. No, trust me – a small gift can lead to the biggest and most beautiful emotional responses ever.
I love that.

Perhaps the question I have isn’t so much as to ask how do we find happiness. Nor does the question become where do we look. However, and more valuable is the question that asks, how do we keep our pleasure center intact? How do we find rewards in unrewarding times?
I think this is important to talk about.

How do we feed our spirit on days when our motivation is low? Better yet, I will refer to a paraphrased quote from the first American Judo Championship gold medalist, AnnMaria Demars, who said, “You’re not training to be your best. You’re training to be your best on your worst day.”
I think this is brilliant.

There is one thing that I know in my heart, which is very simple. It is equally crazy yet this is all part of life.
The one thing I know is that at one point or another, we have to go crazy. I mean it. We have to go absolutely nuts.
We have to lose our minds at least a little bit or at least once. We have to do this every once in a while too, just to let off some steam, or to bring down the house, to go as absolutely wild, or at minimum, we have to allow ourselves the absolute dignity of being so out-of-hand and let ourselves go.
Whether we dance or sing or we howl or celebrate, I don’t care what we do or how this looks.
The truth is, life is short.
Times will be hard and by any means, there has to be a time and a place where we can be free enough to laugh out loud or scream at the top of our lungs.

I think about this –
There are more than 7 billion people in this world. I think about the craziest concept which is the fact that for whatever the reasons may be or in whichever way our paths have gone, somehow, here we are, connected by the directions of fate or destiny.
I think that’s wild.
I think about the hours and the days and the energies we have wasted on people, places or things that were not meant for us. I think we knew that somehow – something was not rightbyet we tried or we struggled. Or we accepted the unfitting challenges; or we accepted “what is” as if to be some common or norm and meanwhile, there is so much more out in this world.
Only, we never knew it.
We never believed that life could be anything other than what it is to us.

Forget the world for a moment. Forget the bills we have to pay.
Forget the taxes and the insurance, the rent, or the mortgage that’s due at the beginning of every month.
Forget the pile of things that weigh on your shoulders.
Forget about the bouts and the fights and the arguments and just for now, think about the one thing that makes you happy.

What is it?
What comes to mind?
I think this is a great question to ask.

I think that since this journal is designed to discover happiness, then it is important to go back to the very basic steps to either define or discover what the word happiness means.
To be happy or to be content, or satisfied. Or more, to have a presence of something that either withstands or endures beyond the circumstances around us.
To be happy; as in to be unmoved by sadness or undeterred by the harshness of our life’s situations and by this, we can feel and process and go through life without allowing instances or situations to imply emotions and dictate our best levels of “self.”

Music . . .
Safe to say that I have my own soundtrack that fits my life. Safe to say that yes, there are songs and various types of music which depicts or defines my best version of happiness.
And sure, not all tastes are the same. Not all music is the same and yes, I can say that I like different songs for different reasons. I like different music for different reasons too.
I like the way a song can come up out of nowhere and bring me back to a time long ago or forgotten yet a song comes on and just like that, I remember everything.

But more, I can say that I have a compilation of songs that remind me of good times and bad. I have songs that are bittersweet and some, well, some of the songs on my personal playlist are songs that help unlock the emotions to a time or a place.

There is something I missed in my life. Or, maybe this is something that I skipped or never touched or felt. And there is a phase that people live through or a period of time that everyone goes through; yet, this is a period of my life that seems blank, like a page that went missing from a story only I know the story. I know the chapters to this novel. I know that my history is there and I know why, where, and what happened from the good to the bad and the beautiful to the ugly.
Only, there is something missing. There is something that never happened or that I never experienced; in which case, there is a blank spot in my life to which even now, I am and have always been looking to fill this so-called emptiness or void – to provide depth and detail to a dream and remove a vacancy from my heart.

And I find myself climbing and looking to reach the top. I am moving and striving to find that place where I can say, yes, I made it!
I am working to find that spot or that pinnacle, that insurmountable or unsurpassable or grand plateau where all is green or summery, or perfect and at last, I have found that presence of self. I have reached the point of highest consciousness and behold, this is my best possible potential.