Matt KoffVerified account

@mattkoff

sexy comedian / writer in ur area looking 2 party! ;-) msg me @ [email protected]. see also:

Brooklyn, NY
cc.com/comedians/matt…
Joined March 2008
319 Photos and videos Photos and videos

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  1. Pinned Tweet
    Sep 25

    My girlfriend says I'm allowed to have sex with pineapples. I guess you could say we have an edible arrangement.

    4 replies 6 retweets 66 likes
  2. Nov 23

    after the great depression fdr was all like “new deal who dis”

    7 retweets 52 likes
  3. Nov 21

    Charlie Rose? More like Charlie fell, am I right? (Gets eaten by shark)

    2 replies 27 likes
  4. Nov 21

    The way things are going, Salt Bae is gonna turn out to be Sexual Assault Bae.

    3 retweets 15 likes
  5. Nov 21
    Replying to

    Oh don’t get me started on spoons.

    3 likes
  6. Nov 21
    Replying to

    I mean, look at this thing! $4.99 at Dick’s Hardware. Jesus Christ.

    1 reply 1 like
  7. Nov 21
    Replying to

    I’m sorry, but any politician who says they’d rather be killed by a Phillips head than a gun is both a liar and a cuck.

    2 replies 1 like
  8. Nov 21
    Replying to

    I’m not a conservative. I don’t support the NRA. All I’m saying is, screwdrivers are scary, and no one’s talking about it.

    1 reply 4 likes
  9. Nov 21

    I’m an advocate for stricter gun control, but it’s also weird that absolutely anyone is allowed to buy a screwdriver.

    1 reply 6 likes
  10. Nov 21

    Hi Brooklyn! This is gonna be a good one!

    Attn: NEW YORK KITTY KATS AND DOLL BABIES! and I are taping half hours tonight at and 8pm and is hosting. FREE!
    2 likes
  11. Nov 21

    HEY PARENTS! This Christmas, don’t miss out on what all the kids are asking for: a Robert Mugabe commemorative statue.

    6 likes
  12. Nov 19

    Good tea but what are these new feelings

    1 reply 6 likes
  13. Nov 18

    There's a guy whose job it is to come up with ideas for Yankee Candle scents. I will find him, and I will replace him.

    1 reply 1 retweet 28 likes
  14. Nov 18

    “uh, i don’t think so, trump.” - al borland reading trump’s tweets

    1 reply 1 retweet 10 likes
  15. Nov 18

    My favorite part of taking my cat to the vet is all the pictures of sad pets.

    1 reply 7 likes
  16. Nov 17

    I’m at a comedy open mic filled with aspiring sexual harassers.

    2 replies 1 retweet 53 likes
  17. Retweeted
    Nov 17

    GENTRIFY EAST VILLAGE TONIGHT 10:30pm Tix: IT'S ALMOST THANKSTAKING

    , , and 5 others
    4 retweets 8 likes
  18. Retweeted
    Nov 16

    I try to limit my screen time before bed to only two screens

    1 reply 7 retweets 57 likes
  19. Retweeted
    Nov 16

    Goofy John Stewart Leibowitz is on EVery late night show desperately plugging his failing Night of 2 Many Stars Autoism benefit -LIKE A DOG!!! Very sad!

    2 retweets 17 likes
  20. Nov 16
    Replying to

    addendum: god fucking dammit

    8 likes
  21. Nov 15
    Replying to

    Scarlett Johansson's Jewish? More like Scarlett JEW-hansson!

    1 reply 2 retweets 15 likes

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