Kristin

If you think this is bad, imagine what Trump will say to the Girl Scouts

I've given many weirder, longer & upsetting speeches in front of thousands of Boy Scouts.

When someone I love is going through something difficult I try to help take their mind off it by texting them until they want to kill me.

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

Hi everyone FYI the Obamacare Nightmare saved my life

But maybe guys who have man buns only have them to hide the little stalk at the top of their heads like a pumpkin.

Before RTs, I'd know a joke was funny when my sister's staccato laugh made our lights that were hooked to the Clapper strobe like a disco.

A seersucker toilet paper would be seasonally appropriate, at least.

I don't get it. Is wide-wale toilet paper supposed to be luxurious? Should it make my ass think of a walk in the woods on a crisp fall day?

I'm at a vacation rental & it's nice. It is. However, the house is stocked with weird toilet paper that is thick and textured like corduroy.

My youth just told me, tears in her eyes, hand pressed to the screen, that I knew this mission was a one-way trip.

I'm sorry I described your husband as a domestic shorthair.

billion dollar idea: seltzer bidet

Walking down the street in the long shadows of the early morning as the universe does its slow version of the tablecloth trick.

As a woman, three things are very important to me: - eating yogurt - moisturizing - dismantling the patriarchy

I remember when I was about 7yo being right at eye level with a recent hysterectomy incision in a Loehmann's dressing room and blacking out.

I know children today have it rough what with social media bullying but when I was young we had communal dressing rooms at Loehmann's, so...

You guys, I have the best twitter hate crush.