Seriously, who does it like this?

The Copa América Centenario has been a disaster thus far, with sparse crowds and uninteresting play marking the opening days of the scandal-soaked tournament. Things got even uglier tonight, as Glendale’s stadium played the wrong anthem for Uruguay before their match against Mexico.

A handball in the box set James Rodríguez up for a penalty that put Colombia up 2-0 on the U.S., and our only consolation is that we get to listen to El Cantante del Gol, Javier Fernández, call it—as heard in Colombia on Caracol TV.

The United States Men’s National Team will open the Copa America Centenario—a wonderfully entertaining Frankentournament that the U.S. is hosting only through sheer force of corruption—with a match against Colombia tonight in Santa Clara, Calif. Colombia is the shit. They could have taken down Brazil at the last World…

Normally, we don’t like contributing to the transfer rumor-industrial complex, where newspapers and websites churn out story after story about hypothetical moves backed up with the thinnest evidentiary threads that almost never actually happen. This, however, is different. This is crazy.

A federal judge ruled Friday that the United States Women’s National Team is bound by a no-strike clause, ruling out the possibility of a strike before or during the upcoming Rio Olympics.

FIFA headquarters in Zurich, Switzerland, were raided yesterday by police, as they sought evidence that former top FIFA officials Sepp Blatter, Jerome Valcke, Markus Kattner illegally awarded themselves $80 million in pay raises and bonuses, AP reports. Blatter and Valcke were previously banned from FIFA by its…

Just a couple of months ago, newly elected FIFA president Gianni Infantino promised to usher in an era of accountability for soccer’s scandal-ravaged governing body. Not a month ago, he declared FIFA’s annus horribilis officially over, while quietly snatching unprecedented executive authority. And now, less than three…

You might not be able tell this apart from everyday MLS action, but if you look closely, you’ll see that the field is a bit, uh, damp.

Overshadowed in the international selection controversy sparked by Eric Cantona’s comments and Karim Benzema’s fanning of the flames was Cantona’s lamentation that Hatem Ben Arfa wasn’t called up for the France team for the Euros. As understandable as the Ben Arfa snub is, it’s still sad. Because Ben Arfa has been…

In normal circumstances, Karim Benzema would be at the top of the world right now. Fresh off a great season at Real Madrid that culminated in Champions League glory, he should be getting ready to lead France in the Euro 2016 tournament as the host nation’s best player. Instead, he’ll be watching it all from home.

Barcelona forward Neymar is currently spending part of what passes for an offseason (in just a few weeks he’ll be off training with the national team for the Olympics) here in New York City. Like many a soccer star visiting the states, Neymar has dabbled in the local sports culture, taking in a Mets game and even…

Transitioning from a bunch of Champions League games and a cup final to a relatively placid friendly against Malta can be a shock to the system. Rarely, however, does it result in such a hilarious, dumb own goal, like the one Bayern Munich star David Alaba scored on his own team this afternoon.

This is one of those goal highlights where I couldn’t care less about what the scorer—in this case, France’s Olivier Giroud, who finished the play with a nice little volley—does. The only thing I’m here for is this spectacular long-range cross by Paul Pogba. It’s unreal.

Depending on your prejudices and proclivities, there are two ways you can view Real Madrid overcoming Atlético Madrid on penalties in this weekend’s tense but unspectacular Champions League final. One’s perhaps a little too cynical, the other a touch too positive, but both are mostly fair and accurate.

Reigning king of the free kick Dimitri Payet showed off his craft again today in a friendly against Cameroon, delivering France the victory with this screamer.

Alan Pulido escaped from his captors by shooting one of them, reports Proceso, bringing an end to the kidnapping that began when armed men took the Mexican striker from outside a restaurant in his hometown of Ciudad Victoria on Saturday night.

Pachuca defeated Monterrey 2-1 on aggregate last night after Victor Guzmán’s goal in the third minute of injury time, delivering Los Tuzos their first league title in nine years.

Mexican media sources are reporting Alan Pulido is missing after reportedly being taken by armed kidnappers outside a restaurant in his hometown of Ciudad Victoria, where the Olympiakos striker had returned following the end of the Greek league season.

Yannick Carrasco brightened up a lackluster UEFA Champions League final by equalizing for Atlético Madrid, then brightened things even more by joining his girlfriend for some passionate celebration.