The loss of an amazing friend.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-05T20:58:54+00:00

We're very sorry for your loss. Your feelings of regret and struggles to accept this tragic outcome are very natural in the circumstances.

You might also want to post over in /r/SuicideBereavement, and/or check out the curated list of bereavement resources in the sidebar over there.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-05T19:54:56+00:00

That's what /r/get_motivated (which is linked from our sidebar) is about. We disagree with them, and you, but we respect their right to do things their way, over there.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-05T19:48:31+00:00

sympathy <> support
you can't get either meds or therapy from reddit

SQLwitch · 2016-04-05T19:17:46+00:00

We're already working on a weekly thread along these lines, sorry we don't have an exact ETA yet.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-05T03:07:49+00:00

We're terribly sorry for your tragic loss, but you might do better to post over in /r/SuicideBereavement rather than here. There's also a curated list of bereavement resources in the sidebar there.

If you need immediate help, you can call your local or national suicide hotline yourself. I'm a hotline responder myself and we welcome calls from people in your type of situation.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-04T22:35:32+00:00

Please don't encourage people who violate the subreddit rules.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-04T22:35:21+00:00

Please don't encourage people who violate the subreddit rules.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-04T22:34:57+00:00

Please don't encourage people who violate the subreddit rules.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-04T22:34:10+00:00

Please don't encourage people who violate the subreddit rules.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-04T22:34:01+00:00

Removed. This is exactly what the rule about generic uplifting content is intended to prevent.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-04T19:15:55+00:00

If so, what do I do to even start the rapport building that is suggested in the side-bar?

You can start by asking him directly about whether he's thinking of suicide. In the context of an untreated (because undiagnosed) mood disorder, I would take the hints he's dropping very seriously. People with a pattern of over-generous self-sacrificing behaviour are often compensating for a sense of not being good enough and a fear of being a burden, and that's another big risk factor.

If the conversation doesn't reassure you, do always remember that you can always call a hotline yourself and get expert guidance in real time.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-04T18:40:44+00:00

I am entirely open to dialogue. I apologise for my tone, I didn't intent to come across has hostile.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-04T18:25:03+00:00

Regret and guilt are not remotely the same thing.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-04T17:56:35+00:00

if you're determined to keep doing what you're doing, then it's definitely good for our OPs that you won't be doing it here.

It seems to me that what you're actually doing is relieving your own feelings of regret over your friend's death, at the expense of the vulnerable people you're interacting with. I can't stop you entirely, but I urge you to take some time to consider before trying to deal with people at risk. Unless you want more suicides rather than fewer, that is.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-04T17:39:15+00:00

Our recommendations about what's helpful are also based on the research - I train suicide hotline responders IRL so I keep up, and so does the rest of the mod team. There's a lot of information about this in the resource posts linked from the SW sidebar - that's why I suggested looking there.

how is reading about people wanting to commit suicide or how they feel about pressures helpful either?

??? If someone is here to get support, we wouldn't expect them to be helpful. If you're referring to responses, hearing that someone else's feelings and/or experiences are similar can be extremely helpful.

FYI, we do try to encourage people whose main issue is suicidal thoughts to post over in /r/SuicideWatch rather than here, but it's an uphill battle, because we don't want to be rigid with people who are in sincere distress. But we are very strict with people who present themselves as being here to help.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-04T17:14:01+00:00

So you disagree with the research evidence about the relationship between depression and suicide? Just trying to understand, don't want to start an argument. I do have the utmost sympathy for your feelings, but some of your claims are not consistent with the best evidence we have at present.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-04T17:03:20+00:00

Sorry for your loss, but a support sub for depressed people is very much the wrong place, as exposure to messages like this can intensify feelings of guilt and burdensomeness and actually push anyone who's also suicidal (depression and suicide are distinct issues and although they occur together often, depression is not a cause of suicide, btw) closer to the edge.

If you want to get support, the right place is /r/SuicideBereavement. If you want to learn more about suicide prevention, you can start with the sidebar over in /r/SuicideWatch, but I caution you to avoid interacting directly with people at risk while your grief is fresh. One of the things most necessary to help people at risk is to remain calm and keep your perspective.

We wish you all the best.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-03T18:35:51+00:00

Depression isn't a cause of suicide, it's a correlate. I.e. many the same things that can make you depressed can also make you suicidal. So removing depression all by itself (i.e. taking antidepressants) doesn't make you less suicidal, but depression induces inertia, so if you're depressed and suicidal, and you treat only the depression, you're more likely to act on your suicidal thoughts. This is a well-known effect - some of the most notable research came out of Matthew Nock's lab at Harvard.

As for why weed makes you less suicidal, that's known anecdotally, but I don't know if it's been studied systematically. My personal hunch is that it's because weed tends to lower personal barriers and sense of urgency/responsibility. If you interpret that in terms of Thomas Joiner's interpersonal theory (the best model of the suicidal mindset that's been developed, to date), where the two necessary and sufficient factors for desire to die by suicide are a sense of alienation and a sense of burdensomeness or personal failure, it seems to make sense. However, using weed regularly tends to exacerbate the social circumstances that create the situations where we feel suicidal, so it's a really bad idea to self-medicate with it.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-03T18:14:51+00:00

You're welcome. If you have any other questions about subreddit policies or guidelines, please send us a modmail rather than doing it in a post or comment. SW is much more heavily moderated than most of reddit, and we prefer to keep all the slots on the sub page, except for the moderators' stickies, for OPs in need of support.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-03T17:26:30+00:00

The mod team supports the use of throwaways, for the same reason that mental-health support services guarantee confidentiality to their clients except in extraordinary, high-risk circumstances. Privacy <> secrecy, and the need for privacy in these matters will never go away, even though we hope that the stigma surrounding mental-health issues does, soon.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-03T17:23:40+00:00

Removed. Advertising yourself as a helper and inviting PMs are both against the posted rules - please read them before continuing to participate here.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-03T17:17:21+00:00

Please direct inquiries about sub policies to the moderators, don't take up a spot in the sub.

With regard to your question we don't use visible flair here, and we don't require any kind of trigger warning. We don't think people who come for support should have to bother with those details, since virtually all of the content here would need to carry a trigger warning in a "normal" sub.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-03T03:34:33+00:00

I grew up learning that any sort of visible emotion is a vulnerability and that emotionality can and will be held against you.

So did I, fwiw. One thing to remember is that a therpist's first job is to earn your trust, and although the process isn't always easy, someone good can ease the way amazingly.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-03T03:24:08+00:00

I would say, that it can be helpful to think of it as learning to honour your own experience in a mature way, rather than "giving her air time" or "dwelling on it". The trouble with being parented by someone with some kind of psychopathology going on, especially some kind of personality disorder, is that as children, we can only survive by basically mutilating our own psyches. The advantage of "talk therapy" is not in the "re-hashing" of what someone else did, but in the re-discovery, with a mature mind, of our own truth.

SQLwitch · 2016-04-03T02:28:14+00:00

I have been told before that it probably was Munchausen-by-proxy. I don't really care to seek to label it because I try to just not think about it. It does me no benefit to dwell on her actions.

The part about "no benefit" might not be true, if what you're suffering is largely or partly a result of your early-life experience.

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