Jack Handey

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy!

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake.

...fish with long blonde hair.

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jelly...

You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in awhile. It's their way...

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.

Before a mad scientist goes mad, there's probably a time when he's only partially mad. And this is when he's going to throw his best parties.

One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.

For me, the worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street is that kids could look up and see the giant genitalia.

Instead of crucifying a guy on a cross, what about a windmill? That way you get the pain AND the dizziness.

Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.

Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.