Bill Murray

If service dogs knew that they wear signs that say “don’t pet me” all day they’d get really upset.

Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.

Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.

I only trust 2 things: People who like big butts and Shakira’s hips.

Instructions for twerking: Step 1 – Reconsider.

Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money.

Why are cats so popular on the internet? Oh wait, it’s because dog people actually go outside.

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s an Instagram filter.

Gym Update: Not there.

I either eat 20 meals a day or forget to eat at all there is literally nothing in between.

If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.

I don’t like morning people… or mornings… or people.

My doctor says I need glasses, but for the sake of consolidation, I’ll just take a bottle.

Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.

I was dropped as a baby (into a pool of awesomeness and bad-assery).

Don’t reach for the stars. They are extremely hot and will incinerate you.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.

“Do what you love” is shitty career advice because mostly what I love is spending time alone and eating breakfast food.

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

Disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.