Johnny Normality

You say, "no hard feelings!" like the dinner you brought me didn't try to eat me first

It just so happens that my wedding vows were Bill Pullman's speech from Independence Day

Darn it Linda, you know I am very sensitive about my exposed nerve endings!

@Probgoblin When bae catches you with a screwdriver protruding from each ear, and she says, "I asked for flathead."

You may have eluded the hangman but you won't escape justice, Charlie Brown.

.@probgoblin When bae catches you polluting the radio waves with Obelisk Static.

Review of Swiss Army Man: I have said for years that Harry Potter would have been better as a corpse and this film validates me.

In a world Where dolphins Are a crime *EXPLOSION PEW PEW BOOM* Dolphin Crime

[I reach into a tree and scoop out a bunch of Keebler elves and cookie dough and paw it into my mouth like a bear eating honey]

.@probgoblin When bae catches you executing a goblin farmer for unspeakable agricultural crimes.

@Probgoblin When bae catches you watching Nancy Grace

@Probgoblin When bae catches you hurling insults at the ancient tree God Gary, who despite his obvious power chooses to spare you.

@Probgoblin when bae catches you sneaking “Scythe Enchantments” back into the household budget

And that will do it for another horrid Saturbae Night Fever. I ran out of ideas for these a year ago and they have become pure suffering.

When bae catches you parking all the construction vehicles in a circle because it is time for BULLDOZER TEA PARTY.

When bae catches you marching, grim faced, into the lake because you will have your revenge on Trouty Jim or a death worthy of song.

When bae catches you being doomed for your poor choice in casual footwear.

When bae catches you sundering the earth trying to find your car keys.

When bae catches you being knighted by an evil queen and her cursed sword.