The Deep End

Dear Dating Coach,

I’m 20 years old, I finished seminary, and in many ways I’m pretty typical. The difference is that I don’t feel ready to get married. I want another year just to live, grow, and not date. The problem is everyone around me. My parents, relatives, and even my friends keep telling me I’m making a huge mistake. I’m exhausted from defending myself. What can I say to get them to stop pressuring me?

Staying Single

Dear Staying,

Have you ever watched someone stand at the edge of a swimming pool insisting the water is “probably freezing?” They analyze it from every angle, dip in one toe, pull it back out dramatically, and continue giving speeches about why today just isn’t the day. Meanwhile, the people already in the pool are splashing around, laughing, and wondering what all the fuss is about. They adjust their goggles, stretch a little, and maybe have a snack. “Is it cold?” they ask. They pace dramatically and shiver like they have been asked to live in the Arctic. Sometimes the water really is too cold. But sometimes the hardest part isn’t the temperature; it’s simply overcoming your fear of taking the first step.

Sink or Swim

This is big. You are doing your best to communicate, but you feel like no one is listening. You keep telling your family and friends that you don’t feel ready, and instead of validating you, they are minimizing your feelings. You might be open to talking this out, but it seems like those around you are not. They simply want you to date. Period. End. Of. Discussion.

You absolutely deserve to make this decision on your own timeline. Marriage is too important to pursue because of pressure, and no one should be bullied into dating before they feel ready. At the same time, it’s worth asking yourself a different question. Instead of “Am I ready?” how about “What exactly am I waiting for?” Readiness is an interesting thing. Most people don’t wake up one morning suddenly feeling 100% prepared for marriage. If they waited for complete confidence, many wonderful marriages would never begin. Growth often happens during the dating process, not only before it.

It’s time to spend some time being deeply honest with yourself. Is there something specific you want to accomplish this year? Is there an area of emotional growth you’re intentionally working on? Are you hoping to become more independent, more mature, or more self-aware? Those are meaningful reasons to wait. Or is “I’m not ready” simply a feeling that’s difficult to define? Is it uncertainty? Fear of change? Fear of making the wrong decision? Anxiety about leaving behind a familiar stage of life? Those feelings are incredibly common, but they don’t necessarily mean you’re supposed to postpone dating. Sometimes our instincts protect us. Sometimes they protect us from wonderful opportunities.

Instead of automatically defending your decision, or automatically changing it because of outside pressure, be curious about it. Explore it. Talk it through with someone wise who knows you well and has no agenda. You may conclude that waiting another year is exactly right for you. Or you may discover that the only thing standing between you and dating is fear dressed up as “not ready.”