astepinfaith

I like to be in control.  I like to know what is GOING to happen.  I like being prepared for what ever may be ahead of me.  You would think by now I would be passed thinking I can CONTROL anything.  I will be let down every time I think I am the one controlling a situation.

Today I was disappointed because something I was planning to help raise money to bring home our 15-year-old son failed.  Not the first time my plans failed or failed to produce what I thought they should.  Yet, in my moments of disappointment in my plans I was blessed.  I was blessed by friends who understand.  I was blessed by a little girl who loves her mommy.

Later I sat and opened to do my devotion.  “Your sense of security must not rest in your possessions, or things going your way.”  “I am training you to depend on ME alone, finding fulfillment in MY Presence.”  “This entails being satisfied with much or little, accepting either as MY will for you at the moment.”  “Instead of Grasping and controlling you are learning to release and receive.”  “TRUST ME IN EVERY SITUATION.”

I need to let GOD be in control. I may start-up something, but God is ultimately in control of it.  He is in control of my days, my path, my everything.  One of these days I may get it!!

Yes, we are still fundraising to bring home our son.  We have an online auction going right now. https://www.facebook.com/#!/dare2love.bringvhome  Over 100 unique items for bidding.

We have an online store…  http://my.fundraising.com/BringinghomeV has our shop where you can browse many gifts, restaurant.com gift certificates, magazines, etc!

And we have our t-shirt sales.  For the future we will be having an online jewelry party and 31-bags party!  Maybe there is something you are looking for.

ADOPTION PROGRESS UPDATE… Our completed dossier has been submitted to the government.  We should have our approval and appointment date in about 30 days.  That will be just before our son comes for a visit during winter hosting.  Please continue to pray for him.  We know that he has been a little depressed lately.  Thank you all!

Over the past month we have been collecting documents, signing papers, WAITING, and working hard to bring home our boy.  Sometimes I feel so hopeful.  Everything is moving along so well.  Then other days I am a mess thinking about timing, fees, approvals and my boy.  Why does it have to be so hard and expensive to adopt a child that wants a family?

We have had our fingerprints done SO many times people may think something is wrong because of it!  We have had blood drawn a few times as well.  Not to mention TB test, immunizations… all in the name of love for a child.

This boy is so loved by so many.  I have been so encouraged by the children in my life.  They keep having hope that funds will come.  I am encouraged by my friends who remind me God’s timing is perfect.  Why am I still so worried.

We are still selling our t-shirts, scarves and are currently in planning stages of an online auction.  We have already received donations from some very fun online vendors.  We have photo packages to auction, russian hand inlaid boxes, retired dolls, coach purses, thirty-one bags, longaberger, custom art, and SO MUCH MORE!!!

Please keep your prayers coming.

Parenting it hard work.

But we love them anyway!!!
We have to choose our battles, right!!!!

I love this girl for how she dares to be different.  People often prejudge her.  But if you really break through to her heart you will learn that she is a very caring person.

Do not let first impressions take away your chance at knowing what is really there.  Do not judge people on apperances.  You might miss something or someone really special!

In my last post I wanted to mention his shoes.  But his shoes deserve a post of their own!

My blog is called a step in Faith.  We came up with this name when we were in process to adopt our youngest daughter, Emi Faith.  We knew that each moment in the process and with her in our lives would be a step in faith.  She has medical issues that make her quite the special girl!  We are blessed, and sometimes annoyed, by her  special spirit!   We have learned that every day in life is a step in faith as you journey to trust the lord and do his work.

When we decided to bring three older boyz to our home for the summer we had to step in faith again.  As we did I never really thought much about how the boyz were stepping in faith as well.  They were even more than we were.  To leave their country and trust that these strangers in this strange land would not harm them.  Children in Eastern European orphanages often hear horror stories about how americans want them for slaves or worse, organ harvesting.  (Sad thing is, this is not just stories.  Those things happen.)  What a step the boyz took coming to america at all.

When the boys left I was a mess.  I would wander around trying to pick up pieces  of daily life.  I would start cleaning up their room and see things they left behind.  Notes, clothes and then I saw the shoes… I saw HIS SHOES.  My V’s shoes.  The ones that he had on the night we met.  The ones that he wore when he was at his orphanage.  The ones that he wore when he was alone.  The ones he wore when he worried about his future.  The ones he wore when he was losing hope. The ones he wore when he did not love.  The ones he wore when he was scared.  Those were his shoes, that he wore as he took a step in faith.   I saw his shoes and I lost it.

This boy left his beloved shoes.  WHY?  because now he has new shoes.  He has a new hope. He has love.  He has a future where he does not have to be alone.   He has love because he trusted and stepped in faith.  He has love because he dared to love.  I hope each time he sees his new shoes he remembers how much he means to us.

We have been able to talk to our boy.  Not much, just an occasional message and a couple of times on skype.  (he was able to be hooked up with a missionary group)  I was able to see his face.  I saw the pain in his face.  He does not speak much English, but would say, “I love you, I vont home. I vont America”  “I miss you”  “I lonely”  “I vont america merry chrismas and no back orphanage.”    DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO SEE AND HEAR IHS CRIES AND NOT BE ABLE TO HOLD HIM?   I tell him we love him, Jesus loves him and we are working to bring him home.

Can you share our story?  Help us bring him back home.  We are again stepping in faith.  Trusting God in this process.  Not sure what will happen.  We know we do not have a long time to get him home, things are changing in his country.  There have even been threats of  orphanages closing.  We need to get things done, get money raised and get our boy home!  We do plan to host him this winter again.  We are raising 2700.00 for that as well.

Please pray with us for his heart.  That he keeps praying and trusting God.  He is not forgotten and he is SO SO LOVED.

The day the boys left was one of the hardest days ever.  My body ached for them.  This was not a feeling I ever wanted to feel.  Thinking about sending a child to an orphanage is not a good feeling.  I pray for them everyday to always feel loved and wanted.  To know that Jesus will never leave them and that he loves them more than they will ever realize.

The days, weeks, after they left have been so difficult.  There have been days that I would walk into the boyz room and just cry.  I would hug their blankets and lay my head on V’s pillow and sob.  I MISS THEM.  I STILL MISS THEM. (Though it is getting a little easier.)  I would pray God, let V not feel alone.  That is the worst hell I can imagine.  Alone… with no one, no hope, no love.  I would pray that God protect his heart from breaking again.  He is at his orphanage and his brothers are in a Christian Foster family.  I am thankful for that for them.  But knowing that MY BOY is in an orphanage is so painful.

Day after day I would see things that remind me of the boyz.  I would see the bikes with the blown tires from boys who loved to skid.  I would see the variety of balls in the back yard from boys who love sports. I would see the trampoline in the neighbors year where we spent many hours jumping and laughing.  I would see the tree that the boys would hide in and jump out at people.  I would see the pool that we swam in almost every day.  I see these things everyday, and everyday I want the boys back.

I know all the boyz will not be back.  We are trying to adopt V.  The younger two do not want to be adopted.  They like where they are and want to stay.  But that does not make me miss them less.  All three are missed and wanted and loved.

I have said it before, letting the boyz get on the plane back to their country was HARD.   My heart was being ripped out of me.  At least a part of it was.  I had fallen for these boyz and became their momma.  I loved all of them.  Except things were different with me and the oldest.

I have said before, it was easier to love the younger two.  They were already healing from their past because of the loving foster home they were in.  They told me over and over, they love momma, papa Ukra…. I got it. They told me they would not want to live in America forever.  They wanted to stay in Ukra…. I was glad they still chose to love me and receive love from me.  The oldest did not have the opportunity to be loved at that home.  He was left at the orphanage.  He had no family.  He was alone.

He and I had to work at loving each other.  It was a choice.  We had to decided to give our time and efforts to each other.  He was a harder one to break through.  BUT HE DID IT… He decided that he would DARE TO LOVE.  He risked getting hurt AGAIN.  He knew that adults are not always honest.  He had been hurt before.  So for him this was huge.  He was putting his heart on the live.  He was letting me in.  He was trusting me with his feelings and his story.  He was trusting that I would still care after he did something wrong.

Slowly we got some of his wall down.  Maybe when I would sit and just listen to him.  I would ask him to tell me what he was thinking.  I would take his lead in the talking.  I think he learned that I was really listening to him.  I could tell he was hurting.     I did not say I love you.  I was not to that point.  Plus I did not want to give false hope to him.  Love is huge.  Love never fails, though it had failed him many times in the past.  When I said it I wanted him to be able to believe it.  I would sit and hold him and listen.

Finally, one moment as he was talking to me after being punished for fighting again,  I told him I CARE ABOUT YOU.  I told him with tears in my eyes.  I told him he matters to me.  I told him, I am here for you no matter what.  I still did not say I love you.  But I think he knew I did.  I told him I would always be willing to listen to him.  That I wanted to help him.  Then he broke.  He and I sat for at least 20 minutes and cried.  It is a moment I will hold dear.  The moment I knew I was holding my son.

A little more time passed.  We grew closer.  I left him a note that said, Я люблю тебе, under his pillow one morning.  But I did not say the words.  That night things would change.  As I hugged all the boys and the oldest asked me to pray with him I said ok.  I turned to walk out of the room and heard, “Mom, I love you.”  That was the moment I knew for sure he saw me as MOM… not just momma (what we asked him to call me).  I was MOM.  I turned back to him, walked to his bed, kissed his head and said, “I LOVE YOU TOO.”  The younger boys then said love you.  I told them I love them too.  I do love all three.  God had this planned.

I feel that God planned for all the boyz to come to america together because the oldest need it.  He needed to see his brothers.  He needed to know they were ok.  He has had the burden of parenting them for WAY TO LONG.  This was good for him.  They told him they loved their family.   I think he needed to see and hear that so that he could let go.  So that he could love again.  So that he could have a family.

This boy is special.  He still has faith and hope in God after all he has been through.  He loves his brothers and wants the best for them.  He is almost 15.  He HAS A FAMILY….BECASUE he decided to DARE TO LOVE!!!!  Yes You heard it right.  HE HAS A FAMILY.  He took a chance.  He laid his heart on the line and said, here I am.  I am Broken, and hurting, help me.  I want to love and be loved.  I want a family.

GUESS WHAT ELSE… We took a chance too… We said, let’s DARE TO LOVE HIM.  We knew he was hurting.  But through the fights, the hoarding, the teasing, the showing off…. we saw some thing else.  We saw OUR SON.

Please join with us as we give thanks to the Lord for this beautiful boy.  He will be redeemed.  He will be adopted.   We are so thankful to God for bringing all the boyz into our family and for showing us we have one more son.   He is a gift to us.  We are blessed.

Pray that God continues to go before us to soften hearts and pave our way.  We are once again stepping out in faith. Trusting God in each aspect of this adoption.  We may very well face issues when we get to Ukra….  We may be asking special permission for our son to come home.
Pray that God protects our son’s heart.  He KNOWS he is loved, but a child that has been hurt so much can easily forget. Satan can easily get in there planting doubt.  Pray for his safety as he waits for us.
Pray for our strength.  Pray for our faith that it will happen.  Satan always does stuff to add doubt.  Satan does not like that we are redeeming another child.  That another child will not end up on the streets.

To help spread the Dare to Love message and to help bring our son home we had these AWESOME shirts designed.  They are 20.00 each and 2.00 shipping.  Sizes, infant, toddler to XXL (additional fee)  If you are interested let me know.  You can email me your sizes.  I will get right back with you.  I will take orders until mid sept. Will bulk order them.  Then will sell again!   When paying by pay pal please just choose to send money to a friend!  No need to mention the shirt.  I will keep your email. Thanks…  [email protected]

The day has come.  Time to say good-bye.  How was I going to do it?  The night before was SO emotional.  Having to say good-bye to these precious boys was going to ripe my heart out.

I woke at 4am.  I laid in bed and prayed.  I prayed for strength to hold it together for the sake of the boyz. I could not let the ugly cry come out today.  They had already seen it a few times in the past few days.  I want them to remember my smile of love for them.  So, I smiled with tears in my eyes.   At 5 am I woke the boyz.  My husband was up.  My daughter was up and soon the neighbors and my other daughter showed up.  Everyone wanted just a few more moments with the boyz.

We loaded the bags up.  The youngest brother held on to his friends and host sister. Thanks Mo, Ape, and Luke.  You three made such an impact on the boyz.  I know they will ALWAYS remember how you all accepted them and loved them. The older two boys  loaded into the car.  I ran in and got blankets for all three.  I then held onto the youngest and lead him to the car.  He was having hard time controlling his emotions.

We started on our way and I cried silently until I drifted to sleep.  The boyz all fell asleep as well.  We finally stopped for breakfast and potty break. I cannot explain how hard of a drive this was.  I was sending away a piece of my heart.  As we drove I often looked back through my little mirror at the faces I would soon no longer see everyday.  I was growing sick to my stomach.  I did not even eat my breakfast.  My emotions were SO messed up.

Occasionally I would reach my arm around in the back and just touch their legs.  Legs I was not going to be able to reach after that day.  Once the oldest grabbed my hand and held it.  I smiled at him and turned back.  I did not want him seeing me cry AGAIN.  I did not want to let go of his hand.  EVER.  Soon we stopped for gas.

After getting back into the car I took a few photos.  I looked at the middle boy.  I smiled at him and tried to get him to smile back.  He just could not do it.  He was gone.  Seeing him shutting down was so painful.  I had to let him process this in his way.  Still, it was hard to see him hurting.  I wanted his smile back.  I know it will come back.  He told me over and over he loves his Ukra… family.  I hope his foster mom loves on him and gets it back quick.

As we started pulling out I felt a hand on my shoulder and eyes looking at me.  The oldest had reached up and leaned forward.  He was gently rubbing my shoulder touching the skin that was bare.  I was crying again.  (UGH, crying again now.  I so want to hold his hand and see his face.  I want to have another little touch)  He continued to keep his hand there for some time.  I did not want him to slip back.  But he did.  The three of them once again fell asleep.  I guess it is easier to sleep than to deal with any pain they may be feeling.

We stopped again for food and then headed to the airport.  We found our group and the boyz found friends to catch up with.  I am sure that helped with the grief. I am glad they came as a group so they could be with familiar people and not be alone.  I liked seeing them smile at people they had not seen in some time.  Though I was a little jealous of those smiles.  I wanted them to be smiling at me again.  The middle boy stayed with friends most of the time.  He seldom came back to me. THe oldest had a pattern.  He would hug me tell me he loved me, and that he comes meri chrismas, walk away to a place where he was alone stand, and then go to friends.  He continued that until it was time to go through security.   The youngest stayed with me most of the time and finally came to me and would not let go.  I sat on the floor with him and he wrapped his arms around me and cried.  He did this until I had to pull him off and send him through security.  He was the last one.  He is such a precious little boy.  ONE DAY I will see them again.  ALL OF THEM.

I had to let go.  I let the younger two go back to a loving foster family.  I was ok with that.  I knew I would miss them so much and that it was going to hurt like crazy.  I let the oldest go back to an orphanage.  Trying to give him hope that HE WOULD BE BACK for meri chrismas.  I told him to pray often.  To be strong and believe that I would see him again.  I did not want him to lose hope.  I did not want him to forget how much he is loved and wanted.  Letting him go back to being alone was the worst feeling I could imagine.  I hurt for him.  Not just because I would miss him.  I hurt because I was sending my child to an orphanage.

I am so blessed that I got to love on them this summer.  They changed my life. They changed the lives of those who got to know them.  They became, friends, brothers and sons.  I will never forget them.  I will never forget their faces.  I learned so much about God’s love and acceptance of us by opening my heart up and Daring to Love them unconditionally.  Do you know that God loves you UNCONDITIONALLY.  Do you know HE CHOSE to send HIS ONLY son to earth to DIE FOR YOU, because he LOVES YOU SO MUCH.?   Loving others is a choice.  It is something that we are told to do many times over in the Bible.  If you EVER get the chance to host an Orphan do it.  Take a chance… go all in… DARE TO LOVE a child in need.  It is a priceless experience.  It can be painful. It can be hard.  But it is a blessing as well.  If you want to know more about hosting message me, or go to www.heartforhosting.com

I got closer to the boys as I got to care for them.  I got to be their comforter when they were hurting or nervous.  I loved being their momma.  I loved watching them  play together.  I loved seeing them with our family.  They really seemed to “fit in.”  I was so thankful that God pulled this off.  He wanted them here for a reason. I think he wanted them to be together again.  If only for 6.5 weeks.  They needed to see each other.  The oldest needed to hear that the younger brothers are loved.  He needed reassurance that they were happy.  And they are.  They are in a  FF whom they love very much.  They said they want to stay there forever.  I think the oldest needed to hear that. However as I got closer to them I remembered that in a short time I would no longer be their momma.  They would leave.  I had no idea how I was going to let them go….

Sitting here remembering the last few days is bringing tears back to my eyes.  It makes me think about all the love that was filling our home, our yard, our neighbors yard.  So much life.  So much energy.  So much excitement.  Thinking about it hurts.  Though I am trying to see it all as good, which it was, it hurts.

The last few days the boys all began to get quiet again.  They knew what was coming.  The oldest was shutting down and walls going back up.  The smallest was stomping his feet saying he was not going. (he would grab me and cry at different occasions)  The middle boy began hoarding again.  Their safety net and comfort was slipping away.  I continued to love on them.  I would talk to them about their feelings.  I would sit in their room at night with them and chat.  They would talk about life before they became Orphans.  Even that life was full of pain for these sweet boys.  They would talk about how life is now.  They would talk about what they want in their lives for the future.  Yes, we even talked about them living in America forever.  Then we would pray.

They would say a prayer I would not understand their word, but the feelings I felt…   Thinking that they do know God.  They know their savior and find some peace and hope in him.  Thank you Lord.  Thank you for protecting these boys through the years.  You have loved them since before they were conceived in their mothers womb.  You have loved them when they felt alone, and hungry.  They may not have known you then.  But you knew them and now I know they say Thank You God for many things.  I thank you as well.   After the boys prayed I would and then give each a hug and kiss.  I will never forget the night   weeks in when the oldest stopped me from walking out of the room, “mom, I love you” .  I can still hear his voice in my head.  His brothers followed suit.  I love you too I would say back.

The night before the boys left was so hard.  We had a going away party for them.  Friends and family came over to say good-bye.  Tears were being shed all around.  Hearts were breaking.  Hugs seemed to go on and on.  Prayers were being said.  IT WAS SO HARD.  So much love was shared in our world over the past 6.5 weeks and the reason was because we Dared to Love others.  WE went all in.  Not just my family, but my friends.  (Diana, thank you for going all in and loving the boys so so much. Paul and Deanna, Thank you for helping us love on them!! You are their Grandpaul and Gran.D)  We all invested in these lives.  As they were preparing to leave all of our hearts were breaking.

My eyes would scan the room and look at the boys.  I would look at their faces.  I HATED seeing them hurting.  But what was worse was seeing the oldest closing up.  So that night at bed time we all talked again.  We hugged, we cried, we prayed.  The younger two said they are looking forward to seeing mamma papa Ukra… They still said, even in the hurt of that night, that they want to be in Ukra… forever.  They love their family there. Even in the tears of the littlest’s eyes as he told me he loved me he still said he wanted to be in Ukra… forever.   The oldest tonight shared his feelings as well.  He left me a note on our family white board,  “I love you mom and ded.  I vont america meri chrismas.” small broken hearts scattered around the message.  Sad faces as well.  And a little special note on gauze that tells ME he loves me.   UGH…. As we talked that night he told me,  “I come amerika meri chrismas. I stay forever.”  He tried to explain adoption to me.  He did not know the word adoption, but he knew he wanted a family forever.  You see, in his country his brothers went to a FF and he did not.  HE IS ALONE.   In america he found his family.  His brothers agreed.  They told me they had family Ukra… and that their brother had family America.  UGH… If only it was that easy.

 I love him too….

That was a hard night, but I knew the next day would be even harder.  It was the day we all had to let go.

We did learn so much about the boys in the first few weeks.  I feel like I learned even more about how God loves us.  He chose to send his son to die on the cross for us because he loves us so much.  His son Jesus chose to die for us because he loves us so much.  Can you imagine???  We have to choose to love others.  A verse that has grown on me is      Galatians 5:14
“For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” God wants us to love.  But loving does not always come easy.  It is not always easy for adults nor children.  Yet, we are told to love. Often we just have to Dare to Love.  John 13:35,  “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

As time went on I began to see that the younger two boys were willing to love.  They were willing to let me spend time with them and talk with  them.  I could cuddle with them and they would try to chat with me.  There was a distance in the oldest boy however.  He did not let me get so close.  Then one day, I did it and so did he. I decided to take a chance.  I decided to Dare to Love him.  I told him I cared.  I told him I wanted to help.  I think he decided near the same time to Dare to Love me back. It is a risk to love someone, because you may get hurt.  For a person who has been hurt before it is an even bigger risk.

The fighting slowed.  All the boys began to believe that it was safe around here.  The hording was less.  The stealing was less.  The picking on each other and host siblings was less.  They started to learn that their needs would fully be met.  That there would always be food for them to eat.  They learned that occasionally they would get a little something special from the store.  They began to trust us.  God was working in their lives in this short time.

We went on vacat..n and the boys continued to open up.  The oldest and I were able to spend hours as seat mates on our drive to visit family out-of-state.  We got to chat, via goo… translate.  Still he did not totally open up.  Though I was opening up more to him.  I remember telling him, “I love your smile. It makes me smile.”  From then on when I would ask him to smile he did and  I would smile back.  Oh, precious boy.  Memories from this time will be treasured always.  Loving on all three was a gift.

How wonderful it was to see the three brothers cuddle up in their bed together.  We had gotten two rooms at the hotel.  My husband was going to share with the boys and me with our daughter. My husband got his own room!!  He had no complaints.

The next morning I will not ever forget going to breakfast and showing the boys all they could eat.  They grabbed most everything!  Apples, oranges, bagels, bananas, cereal,  a little of each juice.  It was neat to see them loading their plates.  Then kinda weird when the oldest started pouring syrup on his cereal.  😮

We left the hotel and headed home.  Not much action there.  The kids all slept.  We had a mcdon… cheese burger and a cocola for lunch.  Made it home and introduced the boys to our family and some close friends.  Bed time came early.  They loved their room and quickly claimed beds.  I had labeled where they would sleep and they were happy with those spots.  I also showed them the clothes.  They enjoyed looking through them and sorting who got what.  I had the oldest’s clothes in the closet.  They did not stay there long.  They got shoved into a small linen drawer.  Oh well, what ever makes him happy.

Days went by. The boys settled in.  Trouble broke out.  Yes, despite what you may think it was not a piece of cake adding three boys to our family.  The boys had been separated from each other so they had to reestablish roles among themselves and we all had to figure our place in the family.  There was quite a bit of teasing and all out fights.  It was not fun jumping between them and dealing with a bloody nose. Or comforting our daughters who felt they were making fun of them.  The first few weeks were difficult.

Despite the challenges we still had some fun.  We bought the boys new shoes.  We took them to Kings Island and they loved it!  SO we got them passes and kept going back. We went swimming most every day.  We hung out with friends every day.  We played soccer. We played kick the can until late into the night. We went to Church. We had family dinners.  We really got to know the boys by being with them.  We learned they are GOOD GOOD boys.  We learned that they are hurt boys.  We learned that they needed to be loved. They needed grace. They needed security.

I think pictures would say so much more than my words….

 This game, none of the boys wanted to play. I kept saying “help mamma” Finally after I had been making a fool of myself the oldest jumped up followed by his brothers. After the game, which I think we won, the oldest says, “good? I help you.”

 The boys became part of the family quickly helping out with the little kids. Asher and the oldest became great buds!

 On a hike one of the boys handed me this heart and said love…I still have the heart.

 Follow the leader! I loved watching them all together.

 Asher fell, they laughed and then came to his rescue. (Asher was laughing as well)

 We would have friends over or go to their home. I am glad the boys have this connection.

 We spent many days and nights with our neighbors.  Thank you for loving them with us.  You DARED TO LOVE, knowing in the end there would be much heart ache and pain.  They will never forget you.

 Headbands! Yep, that was funny!!!

I learned a lot the first few weeks.  I learned so much more about Grace.  I learned how hurt the boys were. I learned that they needed love. I learned I needed to be able to freely love them.  BUT… I would learn even more over the next few weeks.  God placed these boys with us for a reason.  He is GOOD!!!