When you’re planning your wedding, it’s a wonderful opportunity to bring your friends and family together to celebrate all the different layers that make the two of you… you! All those hobbies, interests and passions you share can be whisked up to make a sweet, unique, you-flavoured cake, with all the sprinkles and decorations you might fancy. Unfortunately, however, a wedding day is often viewed by others as an opportunity to throw their own ingredients into the mix. When this happens… how can you express yourself and stand up for what you want… so that you can get the sweet result you dreamed of?

There is a strange and inexplicable phenomenon that can happen while planning a wedding. It’s the sort of thing that only really happens when there is a wedding on the horizon, or— to really drag out the baking metaphor— a bun in the oven. The arrival of a baby can sometimes turn an already-difficult-to-handle relative into someone you’d happily never see again when they start to use words like “we” and “our” when referring to your unborn child. The same sort of thing can happen when a wedding is coming… it is the incorrect and uncomfortable notion that this day—your wedding day!—is also about them.

Now, don’t get me wrong! I fully understand that your wedding might be a huge deal to them. They might be SO proud to be the mother of the bride, really looking forward to seeing their child get married. Your sister might have dreamed of being your maid of honour forever, still married to the way she imagined it when you were children. Your grandparent may have pictured this day for decades, expecting you’ll have a religious ceremony like they did… but that does not mean that their vision of your day is as important as YOUR plan for YOUR day.

There are myriad reasons we might find it difficult to stand up for ourselves when planning a wedding.

Money

First and foremost (and it’s a doozie!) is money. Let’s say your parents, or your soon-to-be-in-laws, have gifted you your wedding budget. It is completely understandable that you feel a need to appease and please them. I mean — come on! Without them, you wouldn’t be able to do this at all. But it is very important to remember that that money was a GIFT. And any gift that comes with a price tag is not a gift at all.

It is not fair of the person footing the bill to hold it over you, so that they can invite fifty of their own friends, or they can make snide comments about what you’re thinking of wearing. It is not fair of them to railroad or bulldoze, dictating the menu or the venue, just because they are picking up the cheque. That is neither kindness or generosity. It is controlling and selfish.

The ‘Expert’

You might find yourself up against a relative who works in catering, or events, or photography, who makes you feel small when you go with something they advised against. Maybe they thought a DJ was best, but you had your heart set on a band. Maybe a friend recently got married and she is constantly harping on about how she did it and making you feel like you’re doing it wrong (gross— not a friend at all!). Or maybe someone in the family has strong, traditional beliefs about the way things ought to be, which do not align with your own religious/political/social views at all.

Whatever reason you might have to express yourself against the unsolicited advice and opinions… it is valid. So… how earth do we say these things? How do we actually stand up for what we want, when we are so worried about hurting others’ feelings, or coming off as a so-called “Bridezilla”?

“No” is a Complete Sentence

I always love the adage, “no is a complete sentence”, when it comes to wedding-planning. And yes, I know, it is extremely challenging to commit to this method of communication. Social-conditioning in general has long disallowed any form of holding-one’s-own, and people-pleasing is endemic. It is perceived by so many as impolite to say the word “no” when advice is given or suggestions are made… but it is a completely valid response.

Yes, of course, it is important to care about other peoples’ feelings and not be downright rude to the people you love if they are simply trying to help. But if someone is forcing upon you something they want for your wedding that you don’t want… you are 1000% allowed to just say “no”. No thanks. That isn’t in our plan. That’s not going to work for us. We won’t be doing that.

Keep your cool, say “no”, and set your boundary. Explain that this wedding is yours, not theirs, and you would like to respectfully remind them of that. If they have contributed financially, then tell them you’re grateful, but you don’t want to accept the money if it comes at the cost of giving up what you wanted for your wedding. Describe how their actions or words are making you feel. Do it as calmly and clearly as you can. Write them a letter if that’s easier. Or write down bullet points to check on while you’re having your chat.

If they don’t accept it… if they push back at you and make themselves the victim… that’s on them. Their reaction has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is not your responsibility to compensate for emotional work that others are not prepared to do on themselves. If you set your boundary and refuse to let them have an effect on you when they try to manipulate the narrative that you’re doing something wrong by standing up for what you want… then they will hopefully realise they’re not going to get their way and concede… and, if they don’t, they are not worth so much as a crumb anyway.

Your wedding is a many-tiered showstopper and you are the Star Baker. No matter who they are and how big a slice of the cake they believe they are entitled to… don’t let anyone come in and screw up your recipe for your dream wedding day. “No”. No thanks. That isn’t in our plan. We won’t be doing that.
You have your cake… and tell them, respectfully, that they can EAT IT.

This article originally appeared in issue 58 of Rock n Roll Bride magazine. You can purchase the latest copy here, or why not subscribe to never miss an issue?

Meghan and Chris’s November wedding was held at a gothic style mansion in the Catskills, New York. They were entranced by the venue, which was filled with rich history, and stunning woods surrounding it. They really tried to make it their own; the first dance, for example, was done behind a curtain with a spotlight so their 75 guests could only see their silhouettes. They also had a tarot card reader as an option for guests who didn’t want to dance in the evening.

“We’ve always known we wanted our wedding to be unique,” Meghan shared. “The wedding theme was moody, for sure. The outdoor ceremony space at Spillian, our venue, actually reminds us so much of the Twilight wedding! The house was serving absolutely stunning dark and moody feelings. We honestly barely had to decorate as the house comes with so many gorgeous and unique pieces.”

The couple opted out of saying public vows and exchanged them with each other, in private, that morning. “We woke up all cozy on that chilly morning and got to cry and hold each other before the craziness of the day,” Meghan said. Both of Meghan’s parents walked her down the aisle and they also switched the family sides during the ceremony so their respective families could see their faces during the ceremony.

Their approach to the reception was equally thoughtful. Instead of a grand entrance, Meghan and Chris joined their guests for a porch group photo before heading inside for dinner. At around 8:30 pm the bonfire was lit, and guests were given ’mores kits. The night ended with just the bridal party left on the dance floor, to join them for their final dance, Still into You by Paramore.

“There’s so much to double and triple check,” Meghan said when asked about their challenges during planning, “but once we arrived at Spillian, we handed over our wedding binder and they took care of everything!”

“We wish more people knew how freeing it feels to say no to traditions that don’t work for you!” she concluded. “We really didn’t care for speeches, public vows, and a cake. I also wasn’t really interested in throwing my bouquet, or doing things like ‘something borrowed, something blue’ etc. While we totally see how that can be so special to couples, it didn’t fully feel like ‘us’. Doing things our way ended up making our wedding feel super fun and relaxed.”

Going to a wedding fair is a rite of passage when you get engaged. There are some incredible ones (and, let’s be honest, some not-so-great ones!), so we’re here to help you figure out which ones are truly worth checking out! And before you ask—we don’t have a date for the next Rock n Roll Bride Live just yet. So, if you’re tying the knot this year, these fairs are definitely worth a visit!

The Eclectic Wedding Extravaganza

When and Where: Birmingham, 25th January; Sheffield, 23rd February; Bristol, 1st March
Tickets: £8 in advance or £10 on the door. Rock n Roll Bride readers can get 25% off with the code ROCKEWE
Instagram: @allaboutewe

Eclectic Wedding Extravaganza is going on tour visiting Birmingham, Bristol and Sheffield this spring. After starting out a whopping 12 years ago, the UK’s longest running alternative wedding show is back again bringing it’s simple message of hope to those lost in a beige wedding world. As they say, “Don’t be a wedding sheep, it’s all about EWE!”

Kids are welcome and there will be activities and competitions to keep them entertained. And don’t forget about their infamous sheep hunt where you can win some fabulous prizes too!

Opening times will include a quieter time to make the show more enjoyable for those who may feel overwhelmed or have sensory needs. If you would like to come during this time, simply choose tickets for the afternoon sessions.

The Quirky Wedding Fayre

When and Where: Devon, 26th January; Oxford, 2nd February; Norfolk, 9th February; London, 6th February; Doncaster, 23rd March; Kent, 27th April; Norfolk 11th May; Suffolk, 18th May
Tickets: Free, VIP from £5. Rock n Roll Bride readers can claim a free VIP welcome drink with the code RNRBRIDE
Instagram: @quirky.weddings

The Quirky Wedding Fayre brings together the most unique wedding suppliers in a truly quirky venue to help make your wedding one of a kind! Each event features a talented bunch of wedding pros who all offer something different from the standard wedding packages and adhere to our zero-judgement ethos. The events feature live music and performances, decor inspiration, food and drink and lots of other surprises!

All the fairs are held at fully accessible venues and are also pet-friendly. Bring along your dogs, cats, ferrets – they’ve even had a snake brought along before! To assist those who may be anxious, overwhelmed or neurodivergent, the hour between 2pm and 3pm at all fairs is a Quirky Quiet Hour. Quiet Hour is an individually ticketed timeslot where those who feel they need a quieter browsing experience can attend. During Quiet Hour there will be no live or loud music, no harsh, twinkling or neon lights, and smaller capacity to limit crowds. You can feel free to browse exhibitor stands without being talked to – exhibitors will only initiate conversation if you would like to talk to them.

The Unconventional Wedding Fair

When and Where: Nottingham, 23rd February; Northampton, 16th March
Tickets: from £4, VIP from £10. Rock n Roll Bride readers can get 25% off with the code ROCKNROLLBRIDE50
Instagram: @unconventional_wedding

The Unconventional Wedding Fair is crammed full of colourful, quirky, and unique wedding ideas and inspiration. From unique bridalwear and live entertainment, to striking a pose at the photo booth or trying some street food, there really is something for everyone. You might even bump into a Wookie from Star Wars or learn to dance to a Ceilidh! It is open, inclusive and, most of all, fun.

Alt Wedding Fair

When and Where: Manchester, 9th March
Tickets: from £6.13
Instagram: @altweddingfair

If you want a wedding fair that knows it was never a phase then the Alt Wedding Fair is for you! This show is ran by three elder emos who work in the wedding world. Hosted at an accessible, wheelchair friendly venue with a range of 40 unique alternative suppliers, there will also be high energy entertainment running through the day and interactive displays. There’s truly something for everyone, from cakes in the shape of anime characters, to florals inspired by My Chemical Romance and musicians who’ll play Korn, Paramore and Sleep Token.  

Hampshire Wedding Network Alternative Fayre

When and Where: Southampton, 16th March
Tickets: Free, or £9.99 for VIP
Instagram: @HWN_alt

The Hampshire Wedding Networks Alternative Wedding Fayre is taking place in the heart of Southampton and is designed for those who want to break away from the conventional and embrace creativity, individuality, and their dark side.

From black wedding dresses to quirky decor ideas and even live tattooist, this fair is set at the biggest stadium on the South Coast meaning that there are 1000 tickets available for this event!

Visitors can expect a relaxed and welcoming atmosphere, with opportunities to chat one-on-one with talented suppliers. Whether you’re looking for geek chic options, deliciously dark touches, or bold modern designs, you’ll find plenty of ideas to bring your vision to life.

Scottish Wedding Unconvention

When and Where: Glasgow, 9th March; Edinburgh, 13th April
Tickets: £8
Instagram: @scottishweddingunconvention

Uncon is Scotland’s original alternative wedding fair and supplier directory, bustling with the quirkiest and most creative suppliers in the country. They represent a community of over 150 alternative wedding suppliers based in Scotland. Expect good energy, good music, and lots and lots of love from their incredible supplier community. 

Gothic Luxe Wedding Fair

When and Where: Bristol, 23rd February
Tickets: £4 in advance or £5 on the door, £29 for VIP. Rock n Roll Bride readers can get 25% off tickets with code RockNRoll25
Instagram: @tildeath_darkweddingcol

Taking place at The Mount Without in Bristol, Gothic Luxe Wedding Fair brings together an exquisite collection of wedding suppliers, designers and ideas that will inspire you to create a wedding that reflects your dark romantic, gothic and metal loving tastes perfectly.

You will find a curated collection of talented wedding vendors who specialise in the dark and dramatic. From wedding planners who understand your desire for an ethereal ambiance to photographers who excel in capturing mood and mystery.

Quiet Hour will be from 11am to 12am, with lower visitor numbers and no music or performances to help with sensory overload. VIP goody bags include loads of gifts and samples, plus exclusive discounts from exhibitors. Guaranteed to to be worth over £50.

The Un-Wedding

When and Where: London, 22nd February; Glasgow, 23rd March; Newcastle, 27th April, Manchester, 18th May
Tickets: from £10 (£20 for London) or £25 for VIP (£35 for London)
Instagram: @the_un_wedding

Having an Un-Wedding is about filling your wedding day with things you truly love and not what you’re told you should have. Sorry mum, but chair covers are not a vibe. They aim to turn the wedding industry upside down and give modern couples the tools and the courage they need to do what the f*ck they want on their wedding day!

Joella and Robby’s October wedding began with a courthouse ceremony which only included their immediate family. “We wanted something private, just for us,” Joella explained. “Neither of us liked the idea of standing in front of a crowd for our vows.” Afterwards, the couple were able to shift focus to their guests, hosting a moody yet glamorous reception with a “creative black tie dress”.

“We both love dark and moody spaces, flowers, and jewel tones,” Joella continued. “Oregon is full of dark and romantics aesthetics and we like dark academia, storms on the coast, greenery, and beautiful little details; this was our inspiration.” The bride also opted for a gold dress, to match the vibe.

The industrial space at Coopers Hall was transformed into a moody oasis with dramatic floral arrangements designed to draw the eye upward. “Our florist worked closely with us to stay within budget while still delivering our vision,” Joella said. “If we’d had more money we would have spent even more on the flowers. They were instrumental in setting the tone for the space.”

Food and drink was the biggest cost from their $50,000 budget, but the food was fantastic and they wanted everyone to eat well. Instead of dessert or a cake, they had a local churro van arrive and serve sundaes topped with ice cream, which was a big hit with everyone. “The churros are still the best I’ve ever had, and you can see me in photos eagerly waiting in line for a churro sundae”, the bride laughed.

Joella and Robby planned their wedding over two years, which allowed them to move at a pace that felt manageable, without stress. “Giving ourselves that time meant we could take our time coming up with the design and what we wanted, and we had a pretty laid-back week leading up to the wedding”, Joella concluded. “Our advice to others would be: if you can, take your time!”

“For us, this was a celebration of our love”, Robby said, “Our intention was just for everyone to enjoy themselves, have fun, and feel included in our life. Remember that it’s meant to be a party! Just throw a great time for those you love and care about – and try not to let the planning and little things stress you out.”

Grace and Kurt’s story began when they met as 12 year olds, but life took them in different directions until they reconnected at 25. When it came to planning their wedding, they opted for an unconventional approach that reflected their love of pop punk… with a hint of viking! They eloped in Las Vegas and hired Elope in Las Vegas who handled everything from the photographer, the planning, hair & make-up and the ceremony.

The couple described their wedding theme as “vintage pop punk with a hint of Viking”. They wanted old-school romance—classic Las Vegas without the tacky. “We may or may not have climbed through a fence to get to our ceremony location and that truly sums up our relationship!” Grace said. “The skaters nearby added to the vibe too! I am usually the emotional one, but Kurt started tearing up during our ceremony before I did. Our vows were so special and personal to us and our journey. We didn’t write them until the morning of as we had no idea how to sum up essentially a life time of loving each other but they turned out to be perfect.” After the ceremony, they celebrated with dinner at the Eiffel Tower Restaurant, overlooking the Bellagio fountains.

Four days before their wedding, they received another life-changing surprise: they found out they were expecting their first child! “That made everything feel even more significant,” Grace said.

Their honeymoon was just as memorable as their wedding. The couple attended the When We Were Young Festival, a celebration of the music that brought them together. “Pop punk and emo music have been such a huge part of our story,” Grace explained. “They ended up spending the most on accommodation, 16 nights in Las Vegas doesn’t com cheap, but it was still a lot more affordable than a traditional wedding!

“Make your wedding day as authentically ‘you’ as possible because at the end of the day that’s what it’s about”, Grace concluded. “It’s celebrating the unique love you have for each other. Anything else is just frills.”