Portland Mercury: Feature

The Scorpion

Doug Brown — Wed, 07 Feb 2018 04:00:00 -0800

How the Feds found one of the web’s most prominent illicit diet pill dealers in Oregon. by Doug Brown

The fateful package arrived in Chicago in mid-March, just days after its 20-year-old recipient sent an encrypted email and $70 in Bitcoin to a man he knew on Reddit as “ScorpionDNP.” The package was sent from a Southwest Portland zip code.

Inside was a small white pill bottle with a black scorpion logo.

The supplier included a figurative wink-and-a-nudge label, saying the pills were to be placed into a water bottle and shaken before spraying the solution on indoor plants to protect them from “pests and microbes.”

The pill-based “pesticide” was a substance known as “DNP”—or “2,4-Dinitrophenol” to you chemists—and was first used for the production of ammunition in France in World War I. It’s now used legally as a pesticide, and in dyes and wood preservatives.

But ScorpionDNP wasn’t giving any genuine horticultural advice, and the young man from Chicago didn’t pay $70 in cryptocurrency for the sake of any plant—he swallowed the pills instead.

The Chicago man ingested the DNP to drop weight, just like all the others who populate the DNP-focused Reddit forums and Discord channels in search of a magic pill to help them obtain a lean physique, regardless of the health and legal risks.

These people, bodybuilders particularly, are willing to put up with the “sides”—dangerously elevated body temperatures, accelerated heart rate, extreme sweating, yellowing skin, dehydration, debilitating fatigue, likely nerve damage, and potential death—in order to burn fat and, in their minds, appear more attractive. However, the Food and Drug Administration has banned DNP for human consumption since the 1930s, due to numerous deaths.

Until recently, ScorpionDNP was the most trusted name in the online black market DNP game. Few knew his real identity, where he lived, or how he got his stuff, but he’s the guy to whom physique freaks would turn for the precious pills and advice on how to consume them. To many in the online DNP-consuming community, “Scorp” was a go-to scientist, makeshift physician, and their most trusted supplier. They used his online dosage calculator, read his guides, and asked him questions. He was the king of DNP.

Now he’s essentially disappeared from the internet, leaving behind only a few scant traces of his past self, and a lot of confused former customers wondering what the hell happened.

“Has anyone heard from Scorpion in the last couple days?” a frantic poster on the Discord app’s DNP channel asked on December 6. “He’s still in business, right? Shit’s all fucked up since reddit started banning subs, I can’t keep track of anyone now.”

Another user reassured him that Scorpion was still active: “yeah scorp is still around. he runs this channel lol”

“Cool, thanks,” the user responded. “I emailed him yesterday but haven’t heard back yet so I wasn’t sure if he was on vacation, out of business, taking the day off, or just behind on emails.”

Another poster hadn’t heard back from Scorpion either. Soon more users were growing increasingly paranoid.

“Idk what I would do without scorp,” wrote another. Rumors began to spread.

“If the feds got scorp I’m gonna be pissed,” one posted.

Another wrote, “but real shit? father scorp got raided?”

In fact, the feds did raid “Scorp,” on December 5, 2017.

The feds—the DEA and FDA—have been on to Scorpion for nearly a year. One of the country’s most prominent illicit DNP dealers, it turns out, is a 29-year-old Oregon man named Jonathan McGraw. He operated in Southwest Portland, federal records show, before moving his enterprise to his home in Newberg last fall.

The 20-year-old Chicago man might still be alive if he hadn’t gotten that package from McGraw in March. He died less than two weeks after receiving it.

And McGraw might still be in business if he hadn’t sent it. The Chicagoan’s parents investigated and filled out an online complaint form with the Illinois Attorney General’s office.

The complaint was succinct: “My son purchased these weight-loss pills which contain DNP, and has been banned in the US and illegal to sell for human consumption, and has died from these pills.”

Listed in the form was the seller’s name (“Scorpiondnp”), address (just “Portland OR 97223”), and website (a link to a since-deleted post in the r/ScorpionDNP subreddit). The parents found an email the 20-year-old had sent to ScorpionDNP, seeing that he’d paid the sender $70 in Bitcoin.

Illinois eventually turned this one-page form complaint over to the feds, who started digging. And, according to search warrant affidavits, it wasn’t that hard to unmask the so-called Scorpion.

In July, Michael Bush, a Chicago-based FDA special agent, logged on to Reddit and checked out the r/ScorpionDNP subreddit post that was linked in the Illinois complaint. He then found McGraw’s website, scorpiondnp.com.

“This content includes instructions for human ingestion of DNP for fat loss, a price list, and instructions for how to pay for the product using Bitcoin,” Bush wrote in an affidavit.

The Reddit page linked to a YouTube video of a so-called “burn test,” where someone lights a DNP pill on fire, its sparks showing its apparent purity. The Google Plus account associated with the YouTube channel was connected to a “Jonathan McGraw.”

Bush then went to the US Postal Inspection Service and, using the tracking number for the Chicago-bound package, verified it was actually sent from Portland.

He then contacted Reddit, who handed over the IP addresses used to access the Scorpion-DNP account. It showed the user was a customer of Frontier Communications and Verizon, so, again, the agent simply got registration info on the IP addresses from those two companies. The Frontier information provided the Southwest Portland address where McGraw was staying with his parents.

Undercover, the agent signed up for an encrypted Tutanota email account and messaged McGraw: “I stated that I had seen the post on Reddit with prices and would like to order some 125mg capsules.” A couple days later, McGraw responded, asking how many he’d like. “I received an email from scorpiondnp@tutanota stating that the price would be $47.50, which included $10 for shipping,” Bush wrote. McGraw emailed a Bitcoin address where his newest customer could submit the money. Bush provided an address in suburban Chicago where the DNP could be sent. McGraw advised him on how to properly dose in a “cycle.”

The Priority Mail package showed up in Chicago just a couple days later, with a Tigard return address and another name. The white bottle with a scorpion logo had simple directions:

“Fill SCORPION spray bottle with 8oz of water. Drop one capsule into water. Close and shake vigorously. Use the 'Fine Spray’ setting for pests and the 'Stream’ setting for root or soil based microbes. Meant for indoor plants only. Not for human consumption.”

Over the next month, the undercover agent got McGraw to give him “advice” on how to cut weight using DNP, finally getting him to directly admit he sold the pills for human consumption. The agent kept buying DNP from him.

In November, McGraw moved to his own new home in a Newberg subdivision. This is where the Chicago-based investigator and other FDA and DEA agents arrived for an old-fashioned stakeout.

On a Tuesday afternoon, agents tailed McGraw from his Newberg home to the post office a few minutes away. Wearing thin black gloves, McGraw put seven Priority Mail packages in the collection boxes.

Agents then installed a hidden camera outside McGraw’s house, tracking his comings and goings.

Two days later, shortly after placing an undercover order with their DNP supplier, the FDA agents were joined by the DEA. Using a stealth camera and undercover agents, they had eyes on him, would watch him ship the product, and finally prove it was McGraw who was the infamous Scorpion.

Bush and another FDA agent continued to stake out the Newberg post office, waiting for McGraw to pull up to the three large blue collection boxes facing the street. McGraw’s old 1988 Honda Accord—the one that had just been spotted on the camera leaving his driveway—pulled up, and a hand wearing a thin black glove popped out of the window, pulling down the hatch of the middle box. An undercover DEA agent walked past the Honda, identifying McGraw using his driver’s license photograph. It was unmistakably the clean-cut 29-year-old.

On a Tuesday afternoon, agents tailed McGraw from his Newberg home to the post office a few minutes away. Wearing thin black gloves, McGraw put seven Priority Mail packages in the collection boxes.

McGraw, unaware, shoved 18 boxes into the mail and drove away.

The agents, with help from a postal inspector and a post office employee, seized the boxes. Like previous undercover purchases, and the boxes sent two days earlier, it had the same fictitious return address.

Bush opened the package intended for his undercover alias in Chicago. Inside was DNP.

That month, Reddit deleted the Scorpion-DNP account. McGraw quickly created ScorpionDNP2. The agent, again, asked Frontier and Verizon to promptly fork over IP records.

By December—more than four months after Bush started seriously looking into ScorpionDNP and more than eight months after the Chicagoan died—the FDA acquired a search warrant for McGraw’s house.

The raid took place on December 5. The DEA and FDA found a bona fide laboratory inside his garage and house, containing five-gallon drums, bottles of chemicals, a dozen bags of a banned powdered anabolic steroid, three cell phones, six computers, fake IDs, an assault rifle and other loaded guns, and more than $8400 in cash. The feds seized it all, and destroyed the chemicals.

McGraw hasn’t been charged yet—most likely because he quickly ratted out a business partner in the illegal anabolic steroid market.

When the feds raided McGraw’s house, DEA agents found 13 bags full of white powder. Concerned about fentanyl, the agents asked him about it. He told them it was Trenbolone—a controlled anabolic steroid—and he merely processed the raw Trenbolone into an injectable substance before returning it all to a business partner. McGraw then identified this partner—by name and the man’s Tigard address—to the feds.

McGraw’s statements to the feds were the basis for a federal search warrant the FDA executed at the Tigard apartment.

On the same day as the Newberg raid, FDA agents gathered in Tigard to stake out the new target McGraw had given up. Sitting in the parking lot of the apartment complex, the agents spotted three possible suspects—two men and a woman—through the windows. The primary suspect was “wearing a sleeveless shirt,” Bush wrote, and “appeared to be muscular in stature.”

In a nearby dumpster, agents found trash that one of the targets had thrown away, including used syringes, injection vials, containers labeled “Trenbolone,” and vials with Human Growth Hormone. Two days later, they executed the warrant on the apartment, and discovered steroids on the premises, as well as financial records, order histories, and handwritten notes.

Just after the December 5 raid, McGraw tried to wipe his chatroom presence clean. But the Mercury found remnants of his time as an active member on the Discord app’s DNP channel. And it appears he was aware that people had died using his product.

“If you’re a female, and living in a country with extremely strict gun laws, pills tend to be the preferred method (of suicide),” he wrote in July. “Which is why I initially stopped international shipping.”

Someone followed up: “damn dude, did someone buy from you in order to do that?”

“Yes,” McGraw replied.

Two people purporting to be close to McGraw—a “personal friend,” and someone implying she occasionally stays with him—posted on the app about the raid in the days following.

“If you purchased from ScorpionDNP and redistributed in large quantities, you will want to clean house,” his “friend” wrote a day later. “They raided his house, destroyed everything, and then left. Didn’t arrest him charge him, nothing.”

His associates put up a GoFundMe page, attempting to solicit $25,000 for a lawyer, but it was soon taken down. His friend said he has a good lawyer.

“From what scorp has said, his situation sounds promising,” his friend wrote a week after McGraw was raided and informed agents about his steroid business partner. “He should be back on sometime in January.”

In late January the Mercury left a letter at McGraw’s Newberg house, telling him that we wanted to talk to him for this story, stating we knew about the Chicago death, the Reddit account, the Bitcoin, his real name, and that this article was imminent. We wanted his side of the story, we told him. He did not respond. Instead, he immediately deleted every remaining page from his website.

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A Peek at Portland’s Alternative Universe

Joe Streckert — Wed, 31 Jan 2018 04:00:00 -0800

What If Portland Were Completely Different? (You’d Still Complain About It, Right?) by Joe Streckert

Nothing’s inevitable. Had it not been for a storm, the Spanish Armada would have beaten up England. Lincoln’s evening may have been more enjoyable had he canceled his theater plans. A better-designed Florida ballot might’ve given us President Al Gore. You get the idea: According to the popular theory, a butterfly flaps its wings, and eventually... typhoon.

Portlanders love complaining about Portland. But what if, for whatever reason, Portland were completely different? What if the people who created (and still create) Portland made totally different choices? We’d now be living in a Portland alternative universe, where things could be so much better! (Or worse. Probably worse? Who knows?)

What follows is an examination of what Portland might look like today... if we’d done things a wee bit differently.

1845: Welcome to Boston, Oregon!

In 1845, city founders Francis Pettygrove and Asa Lovejoy couldn’t decide what to call this place. Pettygrove wanted Portland. Lovejoy wanted Boston. To decide, they flipped a coin. Portland won.

BUT WHAT IF... it had gone the other way? What if Lovejoy had been able to name us after America’s home of tea parties and tricorn hats? This town would forever be known as “Boston, Jr.,” “West Boston,” “Boston the Younger,” or “Boston, Second of Its Name.” We would never crawl out from the influence of our East Coast namesake and comparisons between the two towns would continually give Boston, Oregon, an inferiority complex, as well as fueling an insufferable number of click-baity lists about how to tell the two towns apart. (As it stands now, barely anyone’s even heard of Portland, Maine. Phew! Close one.)

1849: Presenting Governor Abraham Lincoln (R-OR)

In 1849, Abraham Lincoln had a chance to become governor of Oregon. (Really? Wow!) But he turned it down. (Sad trombone sound.) Instead of Lincoln, we got Governor Joseph Lane—a pro-slavery Southern sympathizer who helped shape Oregon’s early history of African American exclusion. So yeah... things could have gone better.

BUT WHAT IF... Lincoln had taken the job? He probably could have used it as a jumping-off point to become an Oregon senator, just like Lane did. Soon after joining the Senate, Lane ran for vice president in 1860 on the Democratic ticket. Lincoln could have made a similar move, running for president in 1860 (just like in real life) and winning (also just like in real life).

Had he done so, Illinois would no longer be known as the Land of Lincoln, and we could claim a president from Oregon—a really good one! Plus, if Lincoln were setting policy as territorial governor instead of Lane, there’s a chance that Oregon wouldn’t have grown up to be so fucking racist.

1905: Portland Hosts the [Insert Your Name Here] Exposition

In the late 1800s and early 1900s, cities hosting expos about “Progress” and “Building the World of Tomorrow” were all the rage. Paris had one in 1889 and built the Eiffel Tower. Chicago had one in 1893 that attracted boatloads of international attention. Naturally Portland wanted in on the action, so in 1905, we hosted the World’s Fair-esque Lewis and Clark Centennial Exposition. The massive event drew more than 1.5 million participants to the Rose City, providing a huge boost to the local economy. And not just ticket sales—the hotel, restaurant, and transit industries also raked it in. Apparently, this Exposition was quite a sight to see, featuring newfangled moving pictures, electric lights, the world’s largest log cabin, and... oh, dear... a human zoo with Filipinos in it. Unnnnnnngh. That’s a bad look.

BUT WHAT IF... maybe nothing happened? By all accounts the expo was successful and profitable, but it also had another effect. It’s one of the major reasons why anyone gives a shit about Lewis and Clark. Prior to the Expo, the only real national attention the explorers received was an 1814 book about their adventures that sold fewer than 1,500 copies. So it was thanks to the Expo that Lewis and Clark finally gained international fame for going on their really, really long walk (just like Frodo and Sam—except real).

1940s: Bugsy Siegel Deals with a Little Rain

According to local legend, infamous mobster Bugsy Siegel visited Portland, Oregon, in 1949 with the intent of setting up a casino. There’s very little to back up this story, but it appears again and again in popular histories of Portland crime, such as Portland Confidential. True or not, according to the myth, Portland had everything Siegel wanted: pliable law enforcement, a culture of corruption, and demand for vice. But it also had rain, which he hated. So he went to Vegas.

BUT WHAT IF... Bugsy had figured out how to operate an umbrella? He could’ve turned Portland into a Pacific Northwest version of Las Vegas or Atlantic City. At first it would have been a bar here or a nightclub there, with a few card games in the back—but eventually he and the other gambling interests in town could have muscled Portland into legalizing casino-style gambling... which might have been AMAZING! (Until the 1980s, when Donald Trump would have moved in to build one of his shitty casinos. WHY MUST HE RUIN EVERYTHING?)

1942: Tom McCall Stays at the News-Review

Before successfully running for governor, Tom McCall was a journalist for Idaho’s News-Review, and later at Portland’s own KGW. He’s remembered for his stances on the environment and progressivism, as well as being a liberal Republican—a species that has since been hunted to extinction.

BUT WHAT IF... Tom McCall hadn’t gotten fired from Moscow, Idaho’s News-Review? Then he never would have gotten a job with KGW, never gotten involved in politics, and never become governor of Oregon. That could have meant no bottle bill, no push for environmentalism in the 1970s, and no Waterfront Park. McCall took particular interest in ripping up Portland’s riverside highway and replacing it with greenspace, but if he hadn’t... well, cars would be able to get to Trump’s Portland Casino a lot faster.

1974: The Mount Hood Freeway Cuts Through Southeast

In the late ’60s and early ’70s, Portland very nearly built an additional freeway designed to cut through Southeast. It was called the Mount Hood Freeway and would’ve given Portland what it so desperately needed... a quick way to get to Gresham?

BUT WHAT IF... they did build the freeway? Southeast Portland, as you know it, would not exist. Clinton Street would be gone, as well as hundreds of homes that now go for stupid amounts of money.

Maybe even more importantly, though, the funds that would’ve gone to the Mount Hood Freeway were instead diverted to light rail. Having that freeway would’ve meant not having the MAX. Portland would have less housing, one more freeway that’s a pain to cross if you’re on a bike, no light rail, and no old theater showing The Rocky Horror Picture Show every damn weekend.

1984: Michael Jordan, Trail Blazer

In 1984 the Portland Trail Blazers had the second overall pick in the NBA draft. They went with Sam Bowie, whom you’ve probably never heard of.

BUT WHAT IF... instead of going with Bowie, the Blazers picked the guy chosen directly after him—Michael Jordan? At that point the Blazers already had Clyde Drexler, and from there the team could have gone on to actually win the 1992 playoffs! (Plus, instead of continuously talking about The Goonies, we’d be bragging about Space Jam.)

1985: Bud Clark Doesn’t Expose Himself

In 1978, future mayor Bud Clark pretended to flash Kvinneakt, a statue of a nude woman in downtown Portland. A photo of the faux flashing with the caption “Expose Yourself to Art” became a popular poster in the early 1980s. This didn’t particularly amuse Norman Taylor, Kvinneakt’s sculptor. He didn’t see anything from the sales of the poster that made his art famous.

After that, creators of Portland public art wised up. When Portlandia debuted in 1985 on the Portland Building, its sculptor, Raymond Kaskey, maintained the copyright to the giant copper woman—and therefore veto power over any merchandising.

BUT WHAT IF... Clark never flashed the statue? If the poster never existed, it’s possible the City of Portland would’ve maintained the copyright to works of public art, which would’ve opened up the potential for third-party licensing of Portlandia. Without Kaskey owning her image, every T-shirt, hat, coffee mug, shot glass, and commemorative spoon at the airport would’ve featured our city’s most famous work of art: a Poseidon-esque lady who looks like she’s shooting craps in an alley.

2009: Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen Didn’t Do Anything

In 2009, Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein began shooting the first season of the hit TV show, Portlandia.

BUT WHAT IF... they didn’t? Then we wouldn’t have Portlandia, and you wouldn’t have endured all those calls from your mom asking, “Is Portland really like that?”

Man. That would have been great.

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Overkill

Jenni Moore — Wed, 17 Jan 2018 04:00:00 -0800

Portland’s got a problem with taxidermy. by Jenni Moore

When I was five, I was introduced to taxidermy at the Anchorage International Airport—basically a museum for deceased wildlife.

I found the taxidermied polar bears particularly terrifying, as they stood tall and ferocious on their hind legs. I vividly remember seeing, among many other displays, a massive moose behind a glass case. It gave me a terrible feeling in my gut. My uncle Tony grabbed my hand and slowly walked me over to visually examine the horrifying specimen, assuring me the moose was no longer alive and couldn’t hurt me. Was I scared of being injured, or just pained by the sight of a creature that was clearly dead, yet appeared so alive and well? One thing’s for sure: It made me overwhelmingly uneasy and very, very sad.

Ever since, my anxiety and revulsion for taxidermy resurfaces each time I see it—especially if I’m caught off guard. Feelings of dread burn in the pit of my stomach; my heart races; waves of panic wash over me; I might cry, shake, or hide behind someone else in a pitiful attempt to escape.

Apparently I’m not alone. After more than two decades of being treated like a weirdo, I recently discovered a couple of sister Facebook groups (one with taxidermy photos for desensitizing purposes, one without) where at least 200 others share my exact same phobia, with some minor variance in symptoms.

Like many of these people, I’ve been criticized for my fears—laughed at, accused of pretending to be scared for attention, and told I should “just get over it.” That would be great, actually. But I haven’t gotten over it and doubt I ever will—not fully, at least. For me it goes way back to childhood. Sure, there was the Alaska airport incident, but my fears grew even worse following my #MeToo story when I was eight. It happened in my 16-year-old male babysitter’s claustrophobic mobile home—one stuffed to the gills with game trophies.

My intense phobia often results in backing out of a lot of drinks and dinner plans, specifically with white friends and family members. And since my Republican-ass grandpa is a hunter, I’ve deemed his house off-limits.

At least in Alaska, the showcasing of bears, moose, and bobcats makes some logical sense. And perhaps Oregon as well, like in a Mount Hood log cabin, inside a hunter’s home, or in a fucking museum—places I can easily avoid. Unfortunately for me, a growing plethora of Portland businesses (especially bars, restaurants, and retail stores) have embraced deer heads and other taxidermy mounts as an integral part of our aesthetic identity.

Portland fancies itself an animal-loving city. We adore our pets, and easy access to local produce makes us exceedingly friendly to vegans and vegetarians. Oregon’s also home to the United States Fish and Wildlife Services Forensics Laboratory in Ashland, the only full-service lab in the world dedicated to crimes against wildlife. It’s interesting that a city and state so sensitive to veg folk and animal-lovers can also casually favor animal heads as a decor choice. For them, maybe it’s not such a big deal. For me, society’s normalization of taxidermy is an unhinged celebration of man’s dominance over animals and an artistic glorification of the violence we inflict on them. Beyond that, I think it’s become a nauseating Portland cliché.

The majority of my friends agree that taxidermy is weird and creepy, and if I didn’t appreciate a diversity of opinion, I wouldn’t have friends like Emily Paben. She’s frankly one of the most “Portland” people I know: Emily manages a coffee shop, has a designer French bulldog, and loves a rustic, natural aesthetic, including bearded dudes, terrariums, and yes, taxidermy. Since she understands what I can handle, and her small-scale taxidermy decor won’t push me over the edge (currently just a few furs/skins and an alligator head), I decide she’s the perfect person to ask: Why in the hell do people like this?

“I don’t think I liked it until I moved to Portland,” she says. “I remember my grandpa hunted and had antlers all over the house. His generation were super backcountry, so maybe [my interest in taxidermy] has a little bit to do with childhood.”

The first item Emily acquired was a necklace with an alligator hand. She’s also a frequent shopper at Paxton Gate, a taxidermy shop of natural wonders on North Mississippi. However....

“I saw a monkey hand at Paxton Gate recently and that was too much for me,” she says. “I prefer ‘scaly’ to ‘furry’ when it comes to actual body parts. At one time I wanted a deer head, but now feel more comfortable with skulls instead. I don’t like the false eyes. It’s a little too close to us as people. It makes our mortality a little bit more apparent.”

I also talked to Mark Annen, an architect and Oregon native who’s designed Portland interiors since 1994 (including more than 100 restaurants). While Annen says he personally doesn’t notice a lot of taxidermy in Portland restaurants and shops, he agrees “it’s definitely there.” He attributes part of the trend’s popularity to new Portlanders who’ve embraced a stereotypical idea of the city.

“[It’s like] 'Building the Dream of Oregon,’” Annen says. “This idea of the log cabin, the flannel, the axe, and the handmade leather products.” While all have been around for quite some time, Annen explains they weren’t fetishized until recently.

“I think that’s the difference,” he says. “It’s become a commodity. A credibility thing.”

While Annen finds antlers aesthetically pleasing and skeletons “fascinating,” he compares Portland’s taxidermy resurgence to the “put a bird on it” trend. Only now it’s “put antlers on it.”

“Look at the graphics on some of the restaurants,” Annen says. “The artwork on the menu. Are you getting that animalistic energy? I think that’s more prevalent. [Graphics depicting] Sasquatch, deer, owls.”

For me, Portland’s majority whiteness has something to do with the explosive prevalence of this “woodsy” vibe. As a biracial person (half Black, half white), I’ve noticed I’ve never had to worry about seeing taxidermy decor in a Black or brown person’s home or business—but if you know of any, I’ll take note and steer the fuck clear. (By the way, the symbolic use of dead deer and taxidermy in Get Out was not lost on me.)

That said, other cultures—especially Indigenous Peoples—have utilized animal skins in various ways. The Zulus are known to skin leopards for clothing, while male leaders of the American Plains Indians wear eagle war bonnets (each feather earned through selfless acts of courage and honor). Those who live off the land must have a certain respect for wildlife to survive, and when they use elements from an animal it has a cultural, spiritual significance that often represents the person’s unique role in their community.

“We currently live in a society where there’s a disconnect,” Annen explains. “We don’t live directly off the land anymore... so people are trying to harken back. There’s something primal inside they’re trying to relate to.”

Annen doesn’t think hunters see their game trophies as morbid, but look at them with honor, reverence, and “cherishing the power of the animal.” Look, I love Avatar and hate the meat industry; I wish everyone who ate meat had to go out, hunt, and complete a spiritual ritual every time they wanted to feast on animal flesh. It’s not the act of hunting that I’m struggling to understand; it’s what we as a modern society do afterward, with their skins.

Along the five busiest, most gentrified blocks of North Mississippi Avenue, there are at least seven taxidermy-featuring businesses I’ve learned to avoid. But even these businesses pale in comparison to Paxton Gate—Mississippi’s taxidermy mother lode. San Francisco-based Paxton Gate opened its Portland shop in 2010, selling a diverse array of exotic and vintage animal taxidermy, fossils, rocks and minerals, rare bugs, plants, jewelry, books, and other “oddities inspired by the garden and natural sciences.” For Portlanders who don’t necessarily hunt, but want to employ a rustic or Victorian look, this place caters to you.

I recently mustered up the courage to check out their front window displays. The nervousness set in as I approached and locked eyes with a dead alligator, penguin, otter, and a rabbit fitted with antlers. I can see how—if you didn’t find them terrifying and sad—it might be neat to see what these wild animals look like up close. Personally, I’d rather risk my life looking at a living, breathing lion in Africa than go inside and see the stuffed ones that until recently were on display inside Paxton Gate.

The Portland store’s owners, Susan and Andy Brown, tell me they recently donated their lion and lioness to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science following the animal’s 2016 inclusion on the endangered species list. On their website, Paxton Gate says it doesn’t support the trade of poached or endangered animals, nor cruel ranching practices (such as keeping animals in small cages or chained up), which also reflects Portland’s style of doing business: offering an ethically sourced route for acquiring these strange and controversial items.

“The majority of the taxidermy we have are vintage pieces that we get from collections—usually when someone passes away,” says Susan. “We’ve been super fortunate to have people who contact us. We got part of a local collection this year from a Portland woman whose father was a big game hunter in the ’60s. But most of what we’ve collected is older. We’ve had a couple pieces that were 100 years old.”

Paxton Gate also deals in baby livestock pieces—chicks, ducklings, piglets, and more—all of which they say were stillborn or died of natural causes.

Though taxidermy is prominently featured in Paxton Gate's three West Coast locations, the Browns say their best-selling items are actually rocks and minerals, framed entomology, and jewelry. And interestingly enough, the Paxton Gate Portland staff are mostly vegan and vegetarian. The Browns’ fascination with taxidermy, they say, is really a desire to bring elements of nature and science to an indoor environment.

“People have a fascination with [the natural world],” Andy says. “So how do you incorporate that into your lifestyle? We offer an opportunity to do that.”

Clearly there’s a market for those who find this stuff interesting from a natural science perspective. The Browns tell me that a visit to Paxton Gate is meant to be an educational experience.

“People tell us all the time the store is like a natural history museum,” Andy says. “And there isn’t one in Portland, so we’re sort of a de facto destination for people that want to see this kind of thing... to learn about things they ordinarily wouldn’t have a chance to see.”

After I mention my phobia, Susan tells me about a Paxton Gate customer who’s shared my fear ever since his parents made him pose with creepy taxidermy as a child.

“Early on, we had a customer that had a taxidermy phobia, but all his friends told him he should come anyway, and he did several times,” she says. “He just wanted to know where the taxidermy was so he wouldn’t round a corner and run into it—but he enjoyed coming in and being around it. He liked testing his fear.”

The Browns say they try to be considerate of their customers’ phobias (whether it be butterflies, spiders, snakes, or other taxidermy) by moving it out of the way or telling them where it’s located. I only wish other Portland establishments were so kind.

In my friend Emily’s opinion, Portland’s taxidermy trend may be quieting down a bit.

“I think it’s backed off a little,” she says. “I saw the boom that happened when Paxton Gate opened on Mississippi, and soon after that all the bars and restaurants were covered with taxidermy. I haven’t seen it quite as much lately—though that could have something to do with where and when I’ve been going out.”

Paxton Gate Portland, however, hasn’t seen any slowdown in sales.

“I’d say from a growth perspective we’re seeing year-over-year growth in that category,” says Andy, “and it continues to do so. You always think it’s gonna taper off, but it just doesn’t for some reason.”

At least Emily is cutting back on her taxidermy habit. Once her friends found out that skins and skulls were her “thing,” she was quickly overwhelmed—in the form of presents.

“I [started] getting taxidermy as gifts,” she says.

"Unwanted taxidermy as gifts.”

After receiving a puffer fish and a turtle, the last straw was a mounted bat head, at which point she was done with being “Taxidermy Girl.”

“That’s when it finally clicked... I was like, ‘I don’t want this anymore. I don’t like this at all because, actually, I love bats.’ And it made me very sad.”

Feeling sad at the sight of a dead animal seems like a pretty healthy response to me, which is why I don’t have any desire to “test out” my fear like Andy and Susan Brown’s customers. I’ve decided I don’t want years of exposure therapy just to become comfortable in a room full of death displays—lovely and artful as they might be. If you like being around this stuff, I guess that’s cool. But depending on your reasons why, maybe I’m not the one with a problem.

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A City Scandalized

Heather Arndt Anderson — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 04:00:00 -0800

How the Vice Clique Scandal of 1912 Exposed Portland’s Gay Underground by Heather Arndt Anderson

Once upon a time, Portland was the Wild West.

In the early 1900s, the city teemed with bawdy saloons and street-fighting roughnecks who shared an uneasy coexistence with Gilded Age progressivism and Victorian pearl clutching. In response to rapid growth and urbanization, progressive reforms were coming to a swell; attempts to control venereal disease were on the rise, the Mann Act of 1910 had criminalized sexual “immorality,” and homosexuality had been added to the lexicon of psychiatric disorders. In those days, prostitution and other forms of vice (the fun, old-timey name for sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll) were rampant, but largely hidden from view—until a 14 year-old boy named Hazen Wright, brought downtown for questioning after being caught shoplifting, inadvertently exposed one of the biggest sex scandals of Portland’s early years.

The Gay Lothario

In 1912, the Louvre was one of downtown Portland’s finest dining establishments. It was owned by Theodore Kruse, a wealthy German hotelier who dabbled in restaurants and catering. Kruse had a flair for the dramatic; one day in August of 1911 he simply disappeared, worrying his wife enough that she placed an ad in the paper a week later inquiring to his whereabouts. When Mrs. Kruse was pressed with the notion that he may have run off with a mistress, she laughed, insisting that she’d always had to shoo her homebody hubby out the door with male friends. The next day, he was spotted in Seattle in the company of two men, and then disappeared again for several months. Having purportedly spent the time visiting family in Germany, Kruse returned to Portland the following spring, saying he had needed “to merely get away.” He and his wife divorced shortly after.

The Louvre had a wild reputation. Shortly before Kruse’s abrupt disappearance, the restaurant had been on Circuit Court Judge William Gatens’ short list for what he saw as an immoral atmosphere. For a few exciting years, it was a regular venue of the Hungarian violinist Jancsi “Gypsy” Rigo.

Rigo was pretty hot shit for Portland. The Oregonian reported on his comings and goings, calling him the “violin virtuoso, gipsy of romance, gay Lothario.” He wore rings on his fingers, smoked monogrammed cigarettes, and even had an Austrian dessert named after him. “He was always ogling women and seemed to think he was a lady killer,” wrote the Oregonian.

On November 16, 1912, ads promised a delightful Saturday evening of Rigo doing his thing in “his own eccentric way,” but patrons of the Louvre were disappointed to learn that Rigo wouldn’t show up for his gig that night.

He had been arrested.

A Bestial Story

1912 was an election year, and combatting vice had long been a popular political platform, so when “A Bestial Story from Portland” erupted in the Daily Capital Journal that November, the city became embroiled in scandal. It started when plucky volunteer vice investigator Benjamin Brick was tipped off by a YMCA elevator attendant that one man living there seemed a bit... odd. The man was 39-year-old Harry Rowe, and under questioning he folded like origami, admitting to “contributing to the delinquency of a minor” and outing a few other men while he was at it. Rowe was among the names dropped by 14-year-old Hazen Wright, who, after being arrested for shoplifting, told police that a bunch of older men (including Rowe) had “corrupted” him into a life of crime.

The arrests soon came pouring in: Rigo was brought in along with a total of 68 other men, collectively dubbed the “Vice Clique.” The men were charged with crimes ranging from indecent acts to sodomy.

Most of the men confessed right away, hoping that being cooperative would result in reduced charges. The confessions, wrote the Daily Capital Journal, were “unprintable, showing that the depraved ones made the practice as exquisite as such a practice may be made.” Dana Sleeth, the editor of the Portland News, however, could scarcely contain his jubilance at the scandal, printing every juicy detail and even making up a few of his own.

Rigo was one of only three men to not immediately confess, since he possessed a very convenient alibi: being embroiled in another scandal. A few years prior, Rigo’s name had been all over the news when he began a salacious affair with 22-year-old Clara Ward (AKA “Princesse de Caraman-Chimay”), an American millionaire heiress and stage actress who was still married at the time to the prince of Belgium. She and Rigo eloped, but soon divorced when it came out that her new husband could not, for the life of him, keep his dick in his pants. Rigo’s insatiable and well-publicized appetite for women helped clear him of all Vice Clique-related charges.

Some of the men accused of sex crimes were prominent members of Portland society. Edward Stonewall Jackson McAllister—a progressive activist, Democratic Party leader, and buddy of well-known lawyer C.E.S. Wood—was charged with having untoward relations in his office with a “boy victim,” 30-year-old Roy Kadel. In the eyes of the law, there was no such thing as consensual sex between two males; there were only predators and “boy victims.” These “boy victims” could themselves become the perpetrators if their sexual partner was younger.

McAllister was convicted of sodomy along with a few other men, and depending on the gentlemen’s social standing, they each received different sentences. Some of those tried were allowed to leave town, but McAllister and three others were sentenced to the state penitentiary (only one of them actually served time). A couple others went to the county jail. The eccentric Rigo was released for lack of evidence, and quickly left town, never to return.

Of the 68 men implicated on sodomy charges, most never faced a jury. Local businessman W. H. Allen was in such a state of disgrace that he attempted suicide via chloroform in his bed at the YMCA. Several other indicted men were also residents of the Y—enough that the establishment itself was investigated for being a hotbed of sodomy. “Rotten Scandal Reaches into the Y.M.C.A,” announced the sensationalist headline of the Portland News. While YMCA officials were cleared of accusations that they were gay sex ringleaders, the organization itself retained its reputation for being a great place for guys to hook up (as evidenced by the popular Village People song 65 years later).

Underground Again

Besides discovering new and interesting ways people could have sex, Portlanders were shocked to learn just how many cruising sites there were around town, including Lownsdale Square in the Park Blocks (which at the time was designated “men only”). The Louvre restaurant came under particularly critical focus after being revealed as a prominent meeting place for Portland’s homosexual underground. It had been cited several times prior to the scandal for violating liquor laws, and in 1908, one paper referred to the fashionable eatery as a “breeding-place for immorality.”

In 1913, owner Theo Kruse closed the Louvre and, to much celebration and fanfare, opened the glamorous Rainbow Grill in the Morgan building on Southwest 7th and Washington. Perhaps having learned nothing from the gay sex scandal (or in spite of it), the Rainbow featured a “Special Men’s Grill” where a gentleman could select his own cut of meat, have it cooked to order, and eat it in the company of other gentlemen. Lagging profits (very likely due to what was, after the Vice Clique scandal, an even more deeply closeted gay population) led the Rainbow to close less than two years after opening. Another year passed, and it reopened again as a new restaurant and candy store. The Sunday Oregonian reported it thusly: “Grill Site to Grow Gay.”

A Crime Against Nature

In the end, the scandal cemented Governor Oswald West’s decision to enact sterilization laws in 1913 (designed to stop the “feeble-minded” and “moral degenerates” from procreating) after more than five years of the bill being in the works. The definition of “sodomy” was greatly broadened to include a ridiculous array of non-missionary sexual acts, most which had been completely foreign to society before being explicitly described by gay witnesses on the stand. As of 1913, “sexual perversity”—including giving or receiving oral sex, even to a member of the opposite sex—was now considered sodomy. Fellatio was a “crime against nature” according to the Oregon Supreme Court, and the penalty for such “unnatural acts” was tripled from five to 15 years in prison. Several other states across the West responded by outlawing blowjobs, and one could sue for libel if called a “cocksucker” in the state of Missouri.

Oregon eventually became the fourth state in the union to decriminalize consensual sex between men, and less than a century after the Vice Clique Scandal, Portland elected its first openly gay mayor. But during a time when the Northwest was experiencing rapid social change, one teenager’s confession rocked Portland’s moral majority to its core.

For more information, read George Painter’s book The Vice Clique: Portland’s Great Sex Scandal (2013) and Peter Boag’s Oregon Historical Quarterly article “Sex & Politics in Progressive-Era Portland and Eugene: The Local Response to the 1912 Same-Sex Vice Scandal” (1999).

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The Best Tweets to @TedWheeler

Dirk VanderHart — Wed, 03 Jan 2018 04:00:00 -0800

This mayor doesn’t transcribe voicemails. You found a way to be heard anyway. by Dirk VanderHart

MAYOR TED WHEELER doesn’t have time to peruse your voice messages, and that complicates things.

During the Charlie Hales administration, the Mercury reveled/wallowed each year in the fact that Hales paid someone to transcribe the many, many messages citizens left on the mayor’s comment line. We’d spend hours picking through those transcriptions so we could share the very best with you.

This isn’t possible with Wheeler.

Since he took over, Wheeler’s office says the mayor gets a summary of comments left on the office answering machine—not a full readout. It presented a challenge until we remembered: Twitter!

This year, we’re going where we’ve never gone before—into the Bog of Eternal Stench that is @TedWheeler’s mentions. It’s not so different. As voicemails did for Hales, tweets at Wheeler offer a useful map of notable events of the year that was. They’re also overwhelmingly negative and often unhinged (he gets called a “cuck” a lot), but don’t even have the benefit of proper punctuation that made the voicemails sort of charming.

Anyway, here’s our New Year’s gift to you, Portland: 2017’s “best” tweets to Mayor Ted Wheeler.

January | February | March | April | May | June | July | August | September | October | November | December

JANUARY

@zeusashtonx Jan 1
@tedwheeler So glad to have you as mayor.

@_n1061 Jan 3
@tedwheeler I have been a frequent critic of city government but am hopeful for your tenure. You seem like a person of integrity. Good luck!

@wchoops Jan 3
@tedwheeler I hope you take a strong stance, never, ever should a homeless person die of hypothermia in Portland. Oregon

@samgibbs Jan 6
good job, Ted. Uber driver Sam here, how you been?

@RukaiyahAdams Jan 11
Hey Mayor Wheeler, Mother Nature threw you an inauguration party! Thanks for stepping into leadership to keep Portlanders safe.

@Stevans117 Jan 11
@tedwheeler my roommate has work tomorrow, can you please declare that he can no longer go? Thanks

@CEF98 Jan 11
@tedwheeler You've done more than the last guy without any effort. Much respect.

@grodycorns Jan 12
@tedwheeler the real state of emergency is Bono's terrible cover of I am the walrus in across the universe

@cfpdx Jan 12
@tedwheeler Roads are definitely turning to ice the minute the sun hits them.

@bkerensa Jan 12
@tedwheeler again showed he is different than Hales and met with homeless advocates to hear their concerns #pdx

@andyeatsworms Jan 12
@tedwheeler My proposal sir: can we buy a dozen or so plows to attach to garbage trucks, so we don't have to rely on rain anymore? #pdxsnow

@bipolar4good Jan 12
@tedwheeler Yay Ted! Way to be visible during the storm. I'm sure there will be protests in the coming weeks. Please be proactive!

@Toxic97209 Jan 14
@tedwheeler 3 or 4 days after the snow downtown streets and sidewalks still white. What does the front of Mayor Wheelers house look like

@lonevet2008 Jan 14
@tedwheeler you are going good!

@FosterNostrand Jan 15
@tedwheeler Why are PDX streets ice & Clackamas streets dry and clear? It's possible to clear streets 5 days after snow, they're doing it!

@njkjfamily Jan 16
@tedwheeler Why haven't the main arteries in Ptld bee cleared yet?!!

@pdxpratt Jan 16
@tedwheeler Gotta love the citizens who expect clear streets when it's been above freezing only a few hours since historic snow.

@mnschmidt Jan 16
@tedwheeler - you can't take care of the streets - what's your earthquake plan?

@mj_wolfe Jan 18
@tedwheeler stop wasting government resources on cops & weapons while people are freezing to death on streets. where are your priorities.

***Wheeler prepares for Inauguration Day protests.***

@Scoop_Anderson Jan 19
@tedwheeler So protesters that are creating a disturbance on trimet will be removed?

@snOwJaypimpson Jan 19
@tedwheeler you're no better than Hales or Trump if you allow those cops to harm people for exercising their rights tomorrow.

@sft1008 Jan 19
@tedwheeler @trimet No service downtown tomorrow? How are people going to get to & from work? I bet city workers who can make it get paid

@gilguzman11 Jan 20
@tedwheeler Hi Ted. We need you to step in and stop the burning of our American flag at the square. Please!

@Middlemontana Jan 20
@tedwheeler ok thanks for suppressing a protest.. your just like the rest of them. thanks for being just as bad as the rest. I was hopeful..

@bulzeye11 Jan 20
@tedwheeler have to eat my words. @PortlandPolice did a fantastic job tonight.

@ilimaconsidine Jan 21
@tedwheeler I don't know if your mother was a woman but if she was, please march with us today,

@ozone2016 Jan 23
@tedwheeler has until Tuesday night to fire @ChiefMarshman or nothing moves on wednesday. I didn't start this shit.

@stiff_piques Jan 25
@tedwheeler @CNBC Keep it up, Ted. We're looking to mayors everywhere to stand up for the powerless against @realDonaldTrump and his bigotry

@QuinnyDelRey Jan 25
@tedwheeler u suck 2

@real_Politicos Jan 25
@tedwheeler Rather than create a sanctuary city, consider solving the homeless issue and clean up all their trash - Your city is a dump!!!

@CrutcherMcfad Jan 29
@tedwheeler Thank you Mayor Wheeler for taking a stand today at PDX. We appreciate your voice against Muslim ban! We can't support racism!

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FEBRUARY

@hugeloser45 Feb 1
@tedwheeler why have a twitter account if you don't respond to constituents? #worthless

@LonnieStJohn Feb 2
@tedwheeler As someone who drives for a living in PDX, pedestrians need to be held accountable as well. Blindly walking into streets daily.

@ozone2016 Feb 7
@tedwheeler why is there a sweep going on right now? we almost had a blizzard yesterday. NO DISPLACEMENT w/o REPLACEMENT

@nativeportland Feb 9
@tedwheeler two lines are closed on 26, the whole city is thrown into chaos. Do you find this acceptable? People have cars cars are not evil

@consumedetails Feb 10
@tedwheeler we are waiting to hear the details about why this kid is dead

@errnbrrwrr Feb 12
@tedwheeler Fire Officer Andrew Hearst, who murdered 17 year old #QuaniceHayes. Why was Hearst still employed after his first murder???

@realestEthan Feb 12
Hi @tedwheeler did you wanna tweet any condolences to the family of #quanicehayes? Or mourn a death at animal prison @OregonZoo instead?

@Mactacular_ Feb 12
@tedwheeler @Oregonian When will officers start wearing body cams? That should have happened long ago.

***Referring to former Gov. Vic Atiyeh***

@LindaShimfessel Feb 13
@tedwheeler NICE MAN BUT MADE A PASS AT ME AT BARBARY COAST LOUNGUE IN "71. HUSBAND NEVER VOTED FOR HIM AFTER THAT THANKS LINDA SHIMFESSEL

@karlanderson Feb 18
@tedwheeler How could you abandon Right 2 Dream Too? Your priorities are evident on every street in town and they do not make you look good.

@gametruckpdx Feb 19
@tedwheeler is the goal to turn pdx roads into minefields of pot holes? If so great job!

@joeARTritch Feb 19
@tedwheeler Your predecessor left @lastthursday is shambles it seems. What are you going to do in order to show support to Portland Artists?

@mdfor911 Feb 19
@tedwheeler Outstanding job in the first 1.5 month! I support u more than ever, after watching your interview on KGW ST. Hold the line Ted!!

@andrewsorg Feb 20
@tedwheeler and @PortlandPolice need to re-read the Bill of Rights right now. Forget a permit. Our right to assemble cannot be curtailed.

@KembleCloud Feb 20
@tedwheeler When are you going to do something about Portland's abusive police? #resist Pepper spraying 6 yr olds & slamming Grandma's?

@micron_hero Feb 20
@tedwheeler is the swamp.

@NathanielSCoop1 Feb 20
@tedwheeler Congrats on Portland Oregon making national news in regards to our police brutality. Here's looking at you kid!

@Oregontider Feb 21
@tedwheeler Thanks you for enforcing laws, protecting businesses, keeping roads open downtown

@oregonmccarthy Feb 22
@tedwheeler the garbage and tents next to convention center make it impossible to walk on sidewalks safely.

@bthunders Feb 23
@tedwheeler where is your reusable mug. I've seen you in 2 photos in 2 days using disposable cups. Buy a thermos please.

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MARCH

@dashnjo7223 March 1
@tedwheeler please don't resign! You've done good work & are too new to be blamed for that. Got your back!

@sycokatt March 2
@tedwheeler PLEASE don't turn into a pussy by backing off on letting police do their job.

@Susanlanda March 3
@tedwheeler Thank you for looking into #divesting from #WellsFargoBank Fargo. Please follow through! I am a constituent.

@sheapforwheet March 3
@tedwheeler re: NYT Uber story please be the guy I voted for and don't show your belly here.

@nbrhoodwrkshop March 4
@tedwheeler - what are you going to do about this endless winter? Do you even believe in sun and warmth?? #endlesswinter

@BrettWHarper March 6
@tedwheeler Kate Brown says she won't allow Trump to mess with Oregon's legal weed. Can we count on you to stand up against Trump?

@nat_lerner March 8
@tedwheeler announces he will be holding weekly "open mic" on Fridays at 11, in which public can address him/ask him qs! About time

@ChrisCrismon March 8
@tedwheeler When do you plan on doing your job and FIXING THE POTHOLES? DO WE LIVE IN A WARZONE? WHY ARE YOU POLITICIANS SO INEPT?

@darksidegpb March 9
@tedwheeler Put a tiny house camp in a wealthy neighborhood. Starting with yours.

@VectorSprint March 10
@tedwheeler I like how Portland photo radars are put at abrupt changes in speed limits! Hope your pile of cash is comfy to sleep on!

@pdxincognita March 16
@tedwheeler why can't Quanice Hayes' family see his body? Over a month, what is Marshman hiding? #ImScaredOfYouTed

@mikesprague824 March 17
@tedwheeler Why is the city making me remove my RV from my driveway after 15 years but can't seem to remove the junk RV's from the streets?

@DexterSaysMeow March 18
@tedwheeler Thank you for your stand on climate change! Let's hope more states take your position and stop the madness in DC.

@CadiG2 March 21
@tedwheeler sanctuary for illegals...unbelievably stupid!

***In late March, protesters began showing up at Wheeler's home for the first time.***

@tedwheeler March 23
Sad to come home the second night in a row with protesters in my front yard flipping me, my wife, and child off. Now shouting threats.

@markdfriesen March 23
This is not right. @tedwheeler, I wish your family well.

@juliejackson March 23
@tedwheeler what they are doing to you and your family is intolerable! Sending you positive energy.

@b7283sosu March 23
@tedwheeler now you know why Charlie is sailing the open seas. Thankless job

@bojack54 March 23
@tedwheeler No-win situation. The sooner you try some tough love, the better. Some people need a reality check.

@k9unit3 March 24
@tedwheeler Ted.... I think water cannons and German Shepherd Dogs would solve your problem...

***On March 27, Wheeler tweets "seriously." with a picture that appeared to be his slashed tire.

@LilDaniHansen March 28
@tedwheeler somebody isn't very popular

@Kram March 28
@tedwheeler Potholes are tough. Tougher on a bicycle.

@ozone2016 March 28
@tedwheeler better be at Quanice Hayes funeral tomorrow or I will never forgive him. WEAR A SUIT TOO No yellow windbreakers

@MikeBlueHair March 31
@tedwheeler OK I confess! I piked a hole in the tire with my mighty anarchist dick!

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APRIL

@DJTommyCavs Apr 4
@tedwheeler send me and my girlfriend on a trip to Portland! Please

@Real_matthorton Apr 5
@tedwheeler I'm stranded on the side of the road due to a reckless driver but @PortlandPolice is giving me the busy signal. #unacceptable.

***On April 5, a city council attendee rushed the dais to hand Wheeler a Pepsi, an impersonation of that infamous Kendall Jenner commercial.***

@Organize4Power Apr 5
@tedwheeler can send the cops to dish it out, but can't take being given a Pepsi

@Recall_Wheeler Apr 5
@tedwheeler Do you plan to ban soda at future city council sessions because you are incapable of graciously responding to a truce offering?

@abstract_monk Apr 6
@tedwheeler what the hell is going on with traffic on east burnside @tedwheeler, taking me more than an hour to get from se12th to the bridge!

@lancemillerpdx Apr 6
@tedwheeler Thanks for all your hard work Ted. You've got a long row to hoe. Keep your head up

@taranehfultz Apr 11
@tedwheeler Any way to increase funding for sidewalks on the east side? Walking home from the bus is an adventure.

@BellCowBack Apr 11
@tedwheeler -why are we letting people live 2 feet off the fog line on Portland city streets? They've been there for weeks. N. Vancouver Way

@smxpdx Apr 19
@tedwheeler saw a homeless person attack a pedestrian going to work in the pearl- went to help. HL person was mad he could not get on train

@BryanPhilips3 Apr 19
@tedwheeler @dansaltzman Ted, Your city burns while you fiddle !!

@jay_hoos Apr 19
@tedwheeler @dansaltzman is it just me or does Ted look exactly like Louden Swain from Vision Quest?

@LRLeake Apr 21
@TedWheeler Rainy PDX needs a new City Ordinance that all employers are req'd to let workers out at 12 on the first sunny 70° day of the yr!

@SportsOpinion Apr 25
@tedwheeler Thanks Ted for allowing the 82nd ave parade and festival to be shut down, we should just all hide inside right?

@orangebeach2016 Apr 26
@tedwheeler You and the @PortlandPolice don't govern Portland..ANTIFA thugs do...just resign!

@Ooga_Chaka Apr 26
@tedwheeler 'Better Naito' my ass. Year after year of this nightmare. The solution here is a damn sidewalk, not shutting down a lane

@VictoriaRodgers Apr 27
@tedwheeler Vera Katz would be tweeting me back. Just saying.

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“You are not Satan, make sure they remember that”-@spiccoliculkin, May 3

MAY

@tiggertim12 May 1
@tedwheeler get a water cannon and start spraying these fucking protesters down.

@lucia_fasano May 1
@tedwheeler Portland police turns into a war zone whenever there's a peaceful protest and your @PortlandPolice is terrifying. Kids are here.

@micron_hero May 1
@tedwheeler is a prime example of how even twee liberals who purport riding their bicycle to work can be the most brutal of fascists.

@Citizen_Cate May 2
@tedwheeler Instead of tear gas @PortlandPolice should launch puppies into a rowdy crowd. Rioters will get distracted and behave better.

@spiccoliculkin May 3
@tedwheeler You are not Satan, make sure they remember that

@Yeoh62 May 4
@tedwheeler Seriously? We don't have a Naked Gardening Day?? Please push this to the front of your agenda.

***On May 26, a known bigot who'd attended a past right-wing rally stabs three men on a MAX train, killing two. Wheeler announces he will seek to shut down a June 4 rally planned by the group Patriot Prayer.***

@citizen_of97217 May 26
@tedwheeler I am calling on you to organize a vigil for the heroes who died standing up to intolerance tonight.

@sporksticks May 27
@tedwheeler The killer was part of the violent alt-right 'free-speech rally' milieu. They will be rallying again June 4th. Show some resolve. Cancel it.

@cderring May 29
@tedwheeler Mr Mayor, while I disagree with most of what the "Alt Right" has to say, you cannot have their permits pulled. #FreeSpeach, #FreeAssembly

@SCheseborough May 29
@tedwheeler Thank you, Mayor.

@Patrici33360894 May 29
@tedwheeler STOP BLAMING TRUMP FOR EVERYTHING! TAKE RESPONSIBILITY THAT LEFT IS MENTALLY ILL!!

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JUNE

@Michaelshealy7 June 1
@tedwheeler Hey Bonehead, Climate Change is False, thats Proven!!! better get an education

@D07534188 June 4
@tedwheeler @trimet Don't fuck this up today Ted, the whole world is watching

@_hampire_ June 4
@tedwheeler @OregonGovBrown your militarized police force spent the day protecting white supremacists. Your legacy.

@jbeyer16 June 13
@tedwheeler Please take a more vocal stance against highway expansion and single occupancy vehicle use if you're going to be real about climate change

@brissle JunE 20
@tedwheeler what's the deal with me having to pay $50 everytime I apply for an apartment, so far I've spent $150 & still haven't found one

@jenhisted s 30
@tedwheeler fix our traffic problems!!! Enough of spending on bike lanes look at traffic!!

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JULY

@IvanSittingRock July 1
Hey @tedwheeler... can we commence with the bum sweeps? We're tired of the homeless and their constant bullshit. #ShipEmToTexas

@rick1rick1 July 1
@tedwheeler We are taking our annual vacation to Oregon. Safe to come to downtown Portland or Antifa running the show?

@CindyPDX July 2
@tedwheeler If my 1910 built home burns down because of Fireworks, I am going to go after you since the #PDX FIREWORKS line does not work!

@PdxVeteran July 5
@tedwheeler neighbors were letting a diaper-age toddler handle sparkler last night, I called 911, no response-i have video clip of it

@wendygallo July 9
@tedwheeler ask @RudyGiuliani how he cleaned up NYC. People peeing on streets, saw a guy holding a new baby asking for money. sad. Save PDX

@spach09 July 12
@tedwheeler Im just wondering why you are not interested in getting a MLB team or an NHL team? It would do wonders for the economy.

@brissle July 13
If someone talks to standing Portland Mayor @tedwheeler tell him to get up on his Twitter & let me know if I can crash on his couch in August

@MLB_2_PDX July 18
@tedwheeler Mayor Wheeler, let's talk about bringing baseball to our great city. Like field of dreams said, If we build it they will come.

@inafutureage July 18
@tedwheeler *Puts on journalism cap* Follow up, Mr. Mayor: "Ted" is short for "Tedward," correct?

@someonemany July 18
@tedwheeler I am going to sit just past the border and sell bikes without your new bicycle tax, eat that little one.

@solsticehome July 21
Dear @OregonGovBrown & @tedwheeler I invite you to Hayden Island today. Where the sun is shining the water glistening & the air is stinking.

@Matvalley1 July 23
@tedwheeler You build it, the homeless will come! City streets full of them. Portland a trash heap, so glad I don't live there! This "tourist" is gone!

@jennyk5354 July 27
@tedwheeler Well Ted, I hear YOU line your pockets w/ every Illegal alien you take in! $5K each, is this Correct?

@JustmeMrsE July 27
@tedwheeler I agree with turnstiles and bag checks being brought back to City Hall ... Just want to show my support.

@mistersowers July 27
@tedwheeler @PortlandPolice Mayonnaise personified? AS A VEGAN I OBJECT. But seriously, you suck at police reform and we're sick of the bodies piling up. G'NIGHT TED!

@TrentERobbins July 28
@tedwheeler is an SJW mayor. Forget about the safety of our citizens, we must just preach SJW values to get re elected. SJWs will turn on u.

@mleroywri July 28
@tedwheeler Where in the Constitution does it say "Housing is a human right?".

@Apocaliptic024 July 29
@tedwheeler Housing is not a right. Have you ever been homeless Ted? I guess not so stop telling people who've been there what they need.

@GHalv July 29
SHAME on the unconscionable @tedwheeler, mayor of Portland, for RELEASING violent illegal aliens. You are SICK.

@DukeBBall1 July 29
@tedwheeler Ahh, Portland. Another town I will not spend money in. They vote these liberal emotionally weak babies into office. Consequences happen.

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AUGUST

@zeusashtonx Aug 3
I will never vote for @tedwheeler nor will anybody I know. You have failed us. Enjoy your last three years. Sorry you hate PDX.

@iisabelmendez Aug 5
@tedwheeler Somebody should punch Wheeler in the face

@Frank81194215 Aug 5
@tedwheeler Just moved Oregon I'm a conservative it doesn't sound like you'll be getting my vote

@PetiteFleurTM Aug 6
@tedwheeler No. Not everyone....Antifa & Illegals, even rapists illegals get the best treatment in Portland! You are a joke to good American citizens!

@LauralPorter Aug 7
Portland Mayor @tedwheeler just named Danielle Outlaw as new Chief of The Portland Police Bureau. What a great name--Chief Outlaw.

@obrien9696 Aug 7
@tedwheeler Portland is no longer on my bucket list of 'places to visit'. Unfortunately I've crossed a lot of Sanctuary Cities off that list. Safety 1st

@nwfreelancephot Aug 7
@tedwheeler You're not trying to please anybody but black lies matter which is a racist and discriminating group

@jayjousa Aug 11
Liberal leadership is steering us towards destruction, folks like @tedwheeler are upset it's not turning into Detroit or Chicago fast enough

@JustmeMrsE Aug 14
@tedwheeler Hello! It was a pleasure to meet you today. Thank you for your openness. We're grateful for the time you took. Thanks again!

@GlaryRandy Aug 15
@tedwheeler No More Antefa Mr Mayor Thank You

@BasqueManPDX Aug 19
@tedwheeler Screw you ted. Antifa turds and the meth head homless can live with you. P.S so happy drug possession is a misdemeanor now. Idiots

@ericbergpdx Aug 21
ATTN: Portland traffic is nice w/ so many people out-of-town & off the streets. @tedwheeler & council have the flu. I'm now mayor.

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SEPTEMBER

@scritchie32 Sept 4
@tedwheeler Resign you worthless excuse for a Mayor!

@chuckslothower Sept 7
"So, how are the Ducks looking this year?" - @tedwheeler during tech break in council meeting.

@latchitup Sept 8
@tedwheeler How bout no rallies? Have them on your own property? Tired of seeing these anti-fascist and ethnic supremacy groups.

@jayjousa Sept 8
Conservative group? I will tolerate no violence here Antifa? Just tear the fucking city down. Have fun. - @tedwheeler (Cuck)

@PuaLeal Sept 10
@tedwheeler Call off your dogs, Nazi Wheeler.

@patronusisotter Sept 10
@tedwheeler please retire, you're the worst.

@Whamo20 Sept 11
@tedwheeler If you allow the police to purge the gang database, you've lost your ever loving mind. You WILL be voted out. We need sanity.

@controtweet Sept 11
@tedwheeler What a good little liberal you are. Didn't mention the violence and terrorism perpetrated by antifa. The same antifa that terrorizes pdx.

@Toxic97209 Sept 13
@tedwheeler No more homeless shelters, we need market rate apts with studios and family sized, which developers said mo to, no tax breaks

@diet_pepis Sept 15
hey @tedwheeler why don't you get one of your guys to toss flash grenades at uber cars

@ivanyerkingoff Sept 18
@tedwheeler And I think Wheeler is a libturd POS mayor who can't deal with the homeless, much less a bunch of ILLEGALS. He should be in jail.

“Turd Wheeler”-@ladybagpipes, Sept 26

@k8bs Sept 19
@tedwheeler Thank you for your letter to AG Sessions. Your leadership on DACA and immigration issues is appreciated.

@jayjousa Sept 19
Cuck in chief @tedwheeler had to take off his ANTIFA mask, put down his bat, then sneak inside the building to make the meeting

@mlh247 Sept 19
@tedwheeler I am not visiting your city because it is not safe to do so. Thanks for not protecting the law abiding voting citizens of your city.

@blissco1 Sept 19
@tedwheeler Wheeler is a total chicken shit little Peter puffer.

@realORgovernor Sept 21
@tedwheeler Oh fuck off ted

@leeyanpdx Sept 21
We are having the most talented, diligent, compassionate Mayor in Portland. Lucky we are! Thank you @tedwheeler

@ladybagpipes Sept 26
.@tedwheeler Turd Wheeler

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OCTOBER

@LindaLu4Trump Oct 2
@tedwheeler typical liberal pussy wants everything for free. do your own research.. try the tv, truth is all there about that idiot mayor

@Mr_Numbers7 Oct 2
@tedwheeler you better not be putting up any mystery towers in our city

@gaffney_kerry Oct 2
@tedwheeler IDC about your opinion. You'll say anything to give the impression that you GAF.

@glento Oct 4
@tedwheeler Any discussions on eliminating stupid people from driving?

@TheReal49418086 Oct 6
@tedwheeler Screw the homeless

@DarthBSnarkin Oct 9
Hey @tedwheeler , your city is literally a commode. Happy you could 'throw shade' but maybe focus on cleaning this shitstain city

@DdoodMacduff Oct 14
.@tedwheeler WHY DO U ALLOW RAP/PILLAGE #PORTLAND BY #RealEstate#developers? U FORGET UR CONSTITUENTS WHO VOTED & RELIED ON YOU TO STOP THIS

@__P__J Oct 16
I'm pretty proud of yelling at "Stop building freeways!" at @tedwheeler when he got up to speak at the #Thorns victory rally last night.

@IcarusCrusader Oct 24
@tedwheeler Everyones at risk when the homeless live on the streets near families. Crime has run rampant. My car was broken into last time. Help SpiderMan

@RUSTIMCCOLLUM Oct 26
Funny how you DON'T see any protesters about Hillary committing TREASON... #antifa @tedwheeler the Obama admin sold us out , omg they are going to nuke us with our own uranium. where's YOUR outcry here if it was trump you'd be on a feeding frenzy

@TrustGo65327663 Oct 28
@tedwheeler Hello Ted

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NOVEMBER

@rightwingdempdx Nov 3
@tedwheeler make a rule and force the antifa scumbags to unmask

@RudeTexasKitty Nov 7
@tedwheeler Worst mayor since hales.

@billrantz Nov 8
.@tedwheeler you need to do something about recycling bins. Tired of picking up neighborhood trash because the bins get blown over in the wind. Require gravity locks! Come on! This is crazy. I'll pick this up and deliver to you.

@nlawsonMBA Nov 10
@tedwheeler gotta do something about the train on Naito. 3rd time this week I've sat for 40
minutes as it stood still & not moving.

@drewbeav Nov 11
@tedwheeler Columbia's going to leave, who's next? Instead of trying to make things easier for these drug addicted losers makes things more difficult. One way tickets to Florida! Do something! I can't wait to vote you out!

“Worst mayor since hales”-@RudeTexasKitty, Nov 7

@Ryan_Jacob121 Nov 11
@tedwheeler May your days be short! Your a horrible Mayor... may your days be shortened even by one day

@CookBeto Nov 11
@tedwheeler Your cuck government/council is only enabling these trash people to keep committing crime. You can't even wear open toed shoes in downtown because of all the needles, heroin caps, syringes that are all over the floor.

@nbrhoodwrkshop Nov 16
"If ya ain't wreckin, ya ain't ridin" - get well soon Mayor @tedwheeler.

@Souljah2light Nov 17
I blame @tedwheeler this city has become third world #graffiti #urine smell and filthy just sad for the #rosecity turned third world. Oh wait but instead if tackling homeless issues. Let's make it far worst and make it a sanctuary city. Yeah ok. Bravo for business closing

@gnwayland Nov 18
As a tourist I would like to visit Portland but @tedwheeler I am afraid to bring my niece who only wants to visit Powell's bookstore - can you guarantee our safety in your city in May?

@vwman1 Nov 21
@tedwheeler @realDonaldTrump If uncle Teddy here spend as much time as to skirt the law as to try to enforce it as it is written this country would be better off if we drain the swamp you uncle Teddy you say one thing then change when you get into office Time to go uncle Teddy step down😱👍

@ScottFordTVGuy Nov 22
Mayor @tedwheeler #Portland, OR. Compassion is not working in the Rose City. The growing homeless emergency & businesses closing shop is very concerning. I lived there almost 10 years. Please, be more aggressive. Social services handouts are also part of the problem. Reevaluate.

@crackenbob Nov 27
I live outside of the progressive liberal rat infested cesspool of Portland. I've sold my business to Conagra Foods (who refuse to mfg. in this cesspool) and have shut it down and relocated the business out of state. Many more to follow @Oregonian @tedwheeler

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DECEMBER

@dylwiththedevil Dec 2
@tedwheeler you are literally systematically criminalizing being Houseless. You're the kind of neo-lib that helps build a place for conservative nonsense like the tax bill. Don't front like you're for the people when you aid corporations and hate groups.

@r1z4t Dec 2
@pdxlawgrrrl @tedwheeler "houselessness is unfortunate, but y'all keep your ass away from my donors. go sit next to the dumpsters at wendy's or something" -ted, probably

@strongvoice Dec 2
@tedwheeler Mayor, what are you doing about this? As you must know, the Homeless and their friends are blocking the doors at Columbia Sportswear so they can't conduct business. #thenewpdx

@DerekSmith1970 Dec 2
@tedwheeler are you sending officers to arrest all the law breaking activist sitting on a no sit sidewalk??? You are so damn weak!!!!!

@GregoryMcKelvey Dec 2
Lol @tedwheeler got mad and unfollowed me. What an adult.

@ryancarson Dec 4
@tedwheeler Thank you for all your hard work on our City!

@SingMeToReason Dec 4
Within the last 2 weeks, the Kardashians have done more for the houselessness crisis in America than @tedwheeler can even try and accomplish in one city. Remind me again who is an ELECTED PUBLIC SERVANT???

@westcoast_craft Dec 14
Could the interns that manage the @tedwheeler twitter account please as him what the deal is with @OTBrewingCo? I'd love to know. Call me, Ted!

@AndrewBugman Dec 14
Hey, @tedwheeler - I think we should temporarily change our name to "Porgland, Oregon". I think maybe you're allowed to do it by Mayoral decree or something? It would just be for today, so we wouldn't have to make new airport signs or whatever.

@rb4775 Dec 14
@tedwheeler @Oregonian THAT IS REAL GREAT TED...TO BAD NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK !!!

@RaeRae32623146 Dec 17
@tedwheeler blah blah blah, wish bums lived in YOUR neighborhood and not mine

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Not Invited Back for 2018

Alex Falcone — Wed, 27 Dec 2017 04:00:00 -0800

Alex Falcone’s annual list of Portland’s most annoying annoyances. by Alex Falcone

As I replay the movie 2017: State of Emergency in my head, I mostly just feel exhausted. For a year, news alerts have felt like the boy who cried wolf—if that boy was always right because wolves fucking everywhere.

To pick one example out of a million: Can you imagine a few years ago getting excited that a guy banned from a mall for preying on children barely lost an election? We found out that ONLY 49 percent of people in Alabama wanted a guy to pass bills who wasn’t allowed to pass a Sbarro, and that instantly made the highlight reel of 2017.

It was shocking. Even with the progress we made over the last few months led by the incredibly brave people who spoke out as part of the #MeToo movement, it made perfect sense to everybody that the two options for a man to avoid losing his job are (a) not sexually assaulting people or (b) running for office.

Because 2017. Fucking of course 2017.

That complicity is dangerous. The worst is almost certainly still ahead, and we’re going to need strength. So while I usually use this space to take aim at the most critical issues of the previous year, I’m going to use this end-of-year list of complaints and grievances to exclusively talk about stuff that isn’t important in the least.

Consider this a cheat day for your news-consuming brain.

Hopefully all these petty, carb-heavy jokes will help you recover your energy, because at some point we’re going to have to relocate all these goddamn wolves.

Getting Excited About a Baseball Team Coming to Portland

Just stop it, you guys. It’s not happening. Major League Baseball in Portland is like a comet: Every 8.5 years it comes whizzing by, and even when experts say it’s “close,” it’s a million miles away.

Winking

A barista winked at me as he handed me my coffee the other day, and it was very strange because I didn’t know what part of the transaction I wasn’t supposed to tell my mom about.

For 2018, please stop winking. All of you. There are only three times it’s okay to wink at somebody:

1) We’re both spies... but it’s your first day so you aren’t very good at it yet.

2) You work at Costco and even though you’re only supposed to give anybody a single sample, you can tell that I love waffles so much I deserve two squares.

3) You’re the real Santa (not like bullshit mall Santa, but the REAL Santa) and it’s summer, so you’re not wearing your work uniform, and you’re feeding ducks at the park and I recognize you anyway, and I’m like, “Oh my god, are you Tim Allen?” Then you look up surprised, wink at me, and disappear.

Those are the only legal winks. All you non-spy, non-Santa, waffleless people, open and close both eyes at the same time.

The Friend Zone

Let’s make 2018 the year where nobody says “friend zoned” ever again. Because what it sounds like you’re saying is, “I pretended to be nice to a lady and she didn’t want to sleep with me. I’m the victim of a huge injustice.” Like she’s a candy machine you can’t figure out. “I don’t get it, I put in two compliments. Where does the sex come out? This one must be jammed.”

I’ll save you the trouble. If you’re the kind of guy who says you’ve been friend zoned, you haven’t. Because now she hates you.

Cookie Dough Cafes

This hurts to say, because I wanted to love it. I expected to love it. My stretch-marked thighs are the target demographic. But it just doesn’t work.

I think the key reason cookie dough is so fun is that you know you’re not supposed to eat it. As soon as I’m allowed to have as much as I want, the joy vanishes. If you really want to make a cookie dough business work, I highly recommend that, as you hand out the cookie dough, you tell people they’re not allowed to eat it. Tell them you’ve counted and you’ll know some is missing. Then casually turn your back for a minute. The adrenaline will cut the sugar and make the whole thing fun again.

Star Wars

I know this is a long shot, but I’d like Star Wars to stop. I didn’t think I would get sick of it so fast, but when the cardboard cutouts of stormtroopers popped up in Target in September this year, I realized I couldn’t do it anymore. Star Wars is coming earlier and earlier each year, and even if the present is nice, the half-year of decorations and songs isn’t worth it.

Encores

I love live music except for that one moment in every show. That part where the band pretends the show is over, even though every single person in the building knows they’re going to come back to play four more songs.

They put on this little play. “Now the show is over. There’s nothing at all you could do to get us to continue and play our one hit song. I guess if you clapped sufficiently we could be persuaded... but that is unlikely because we are for sure leaving now.”

You’re not fooling anybody, bands! You say the show is over, then why did your crew run out on stage and tune up the guitars, set up a new piano, and tape a new playlist to the ground that says “Encore” on it? It’s ridiculous.

And why do we have to cheer to get the rest of your show, anyway? Bands are all doing this Tinkerbell shit, like if we don’t clap enough, they’re going to die. I shouldn’t have to prove through noise that I’ve earned the rest of your show. You know how I earned it? I paid. for. the. show.

With money. That’s how this is supposed to work.

When I bought the ticket, I assumed the end of the show came with the package. I paid $12 plus $75 in fees; I should get the whole show. When I play your album on Spotify, does a song stop at the bridge and then I have to click thumbs up seven times to hear the final chorus?

Fingerprint Scanners at the Gym

Nobody is going to rob you. Literally everything here is too heavy to lift. Chill out with the biometrics.

Ventriloquism

Former Portland comedian Preacher Lawson made it to the finals of America’s Got Talent this year, which was pretty exciting for us as a community. But then he lost... to a ventriloquist. That hurt.

Oh, and she was a 12-year-old ventriloquist. Not even a full-grown string-puller. This is not the America I thought I lived in.

It gets worse. This was the THIRD TIME a vent won AGT. Did you realize that America had three ventriloquists?

It gets worse. This was the third out of 12 seasons. Did you know that 25 percent of America’s talent was tied up in puppetry? Yep. Across America, thousands and thousands of kids are choosing not to play sports or learn instruments, because they’re spending all their time talking while drinking a glass of water.

They have to cancel the show, right? Maybe America doesn’t got talent after all? If Ronald McDonald won Top Chef three times, the whole show would pack its knives and go.

Bad Sex Ed

It’s been a problem for a while, but it’s time to push the panic button. A study that came out in 2015 showed that 60 percent of kids are looking to porn to learn more about sex, and that’s TERRIFYING.

That’d be like teaching kids to walk by showing them parkour videos. Yeah, it is technically possible to do it that way. But nobody will want to do it with you that way, and if you try you’ll probably die.

Huggers

I don’t buy into what Big Hug has been selling these last few years. I prefer greetings to be a handshake over a hug, which is much more like a wrestling hold.

But whether or not you want to hug, you definitely don’t get to say, “Nah, get in here. I’m a hugger.”

You don’t get to be a hugger. That’s not a unilateral decision. If I’m not into it, then you aren’t a hugger, you’re a very short-term kidnapper.

You don’t just get to do something because you added “er” to the end of a word. We can’t be leaving a meeting and when I offer a handshake, you say, “Get that out of here. I’m a finger banger!”

If you’ve decided we’re rubbing bodies because you’re a hugger, well, you’re in for an unpleasant surprise, because I’m a crier.

Mishandling the Cold

I know I mention snow every year in this column, but then every year y’all come up with a new way to blow it over the winter. So please disinvite a few snow reactions:

1) Let’s never say “snowpocalypse” again. Instead, why not use words like “snowstorm,” or “snow,” or really any other human word that means something.

2) CALM YOUR JETS. Remember when there was nearly a half-inch of snowfall, and people abandoned their cars on the freeway, making it look like only dumb people got raptured? And then the Blazers canceled a game... which is an INDOOR SPORT. Safety first, I guess. Even Dame can’t drive in the snow.

Mishandling the Heat

It was so hot in Portland last summer you could cook a tofu breakfast scramble on the sidewalk.

It was bad, but the worst part is almost nobody has air conditioning. How is that even possible? Everybody in our liberal paradise knew climate change was real decades ago, and yet nobody took a second to plan for it? You know Al Gore bought a few shares in Ben & Jerry’s.

I actually went to an ice cream parlor that didn’t have AC. Really? You didn’t think this might be a problem? Either cool it off in here or change your motto to “Here, drink this.”

But my prize bad heat reactions go to the local meteorologist who tweeted that we should be thankful for all the smoke from the nearby forest fires, because otherwise it would have been even hotter. Um, I guess? But it’s kind of like a doctor saying, “You’re lucky you crashed into that particular tree because the beehives broke your fall.”

Telling Me About Male Fragility

It really hurts my feelings!

The problem with talking about male fragility is it’s too well named. If I may make a suggestion, maybe just tell us that other men are much better at taking criticism, because then we’ll try harder because of toxic masculinity.

Post-Credit Sequences in Movies

If you want me to see a scene, why not go ahead and put it in your movie.

Using the Phrase “Netflix and Chill” Wrong

Baby Boomers on social media got ahold of “Netflix and chill” and have been using it just as recklessly as they did the environment.

The New York Times blogged about the various streaming subscription options and titled it, “‘Netflix and Chill,’ Sure. But There are Others, Too.” Closer to home, the Oregon Department of Transportation tweeted that because of snow, people should “Netflix and chill” instead of driving on the slick roads.

It means fucking, you guys. NETFLIX AND CHILL MEANS FUCKING. Neither of these uses is technically wrong—especially if the Times was saying, “Sure, you can have casual sex, but you could also watch Hulu.” You could also choose between masturbating and buying oranges.

Or if ODOT was saying, “The roads are too icy! So to be safe, stay at home and mess around with somebody you just met.” But since you’d probably have to drive to meet up with your Tinder date, maybe it’s not actually helpful advice.

Or maybe... I don’t know... Google phrases you just heard before you toss them into professional writing? Just an idea. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a busy afternoon of Hulu and oranges.

The Eclipse

My favorite thing about 2018 is we don’t have to have another bullshit eclipse.

It was fine. It was overwhelmingly, devastatingly fine. It might have even been a little bit cool if it weren’t for six months of news stories about how it’s the most important life-changing, mind-blowing, hippocampus-fellating thing that will ever happen to anybody. Because after that, watching the sun get blocked for three minutes really felt like a letdown. You know, because of NIGHTTIME.

Most of you are probably inside right now, so the walls are creating your own tiny eclipses at this very moment. HOLY SHIT.

Or if you really miss it, you can just go outside and then... close your eyes. THE ECLIPSE WAS INSIDE YOU THIS WHOLE TIME.

And of course, the award for best overreaction went to the Oregonian for tweeting, “Experts don’t believe there will be an increase in sex trafficking during eclipse.” Whoa. Why did you even bother to ask experts that? I hope experts never take your calls again, because Jesus! It was an eclipse, not a purge. “In other news, experts don’t think three minutes of darkness is enough to bring unholy cleansing upon all people. But no promises.”

Bonus! Four Stupid Things I’d Love to See More Of for 2018

Longboards

Keep it up, you guys. You’re like skateboard limos.

Snacking and Sporting

Baseball players cram their mouths full of as many seeds as they can when they go up to bat, like they’re worried they won’t have enough calories to get through the winter. Other sports need to catch up with that level of dedication to snacking.

Vaping

For reals. People have been so harsh on vapers because it looks silly, but instead of smelling like a garbage fire when you walk, it smells like you’re in a Mike & Ike factory, and that’s way better.

French Bulldogs

They walk like they’re always drifting. And I like it.

Wasn’t that easy and not particularly important? I hope it helped. Now let’s go get some wolves.

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The Mercury Guide to Best New Year’s Eves in Town

Mercury Staff — Wed, 20 Dec 2017 04:00:00 -0800

This year wasn’t great. But your New Year’s Eve still can be! by Mercury Staff

We wouldn’t have believed it either, but somehow, 2017 turned out to be even worse than 2016. (And we think we know who’s to blame—let’s just say he drinks A LOT of Diet Coke.) So we couldn’t be more ready to kick this flaming diaper pail of a year out the door, as we ring in a 2018 that is most assuredly, undeniably, without question going to bring better, brighter things into our own lives, the lives of our loved ones, and the lives of our fellow citizens. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. Next year will be a time for working hard, for fighting for what we believe in, and for standing up to the liars, cheats, bigots, and thieves who are trying to run this country into the ground.

But before all that, there’s time to forget your troubles for a night. New Year’s Eve is an occasion to dance and drink with friends (if you wanna), to dress up in your nicest duds (if you wanna), to laugh your ass off (if you wanna), and to remember all of the good things that happened over the past 12 months (yes, there were some). Look: We all realize that New Year’s Eve often deserves the bad rap it gets as an annual haven for screeching amateurs, douche-nozzle behavior, unfortunate drunkenness, and overpriced champagne toasts. So here are the Mercury’s handpicked, sure-fire, guaranteed ways to have a fantabulous time this December 31, and to introduce yourself to 2018 in the best way possible!

Most importantly? Be good to yourself this New Year’s Eve—you absolutely deserve it.

All events are 21 and over.

Explode into Colors
w/Maarquii, Jvnitor, Blossom

Way back in the late 2000s and early 2010s—ancient times, y’all—three Portland women turned weird sounds into a white-hot band called Explode into Colors. The city’s music scene has had its share of breakthroughs, of course—mostly by bands playing folk music and indie rock and sludge-pop. But XIC went full buzzworthy on the strength of its oddball dub-funk-art-rock-whatever, powered by two percussionists (Heather Treadway and Lisa Schonberg) and a baritone guitarist (Claudia Meza). Sadly, the trio broke up not long after it burned so brightly... until last year, that is, when all three reunited for a fundraiser. This New Year’s Eve, they’re reuniting again, and will play new material, as well as some old classics, presumably. This’ll be the sweaty-ass dance throwdown for the Peak Portland heads out there. BEN SALMON Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $25 adv, $30 door

Function
w/Casual Aztec, DJ Pocket Rock-It, Jonny Guava, Chanti Darling DJs, Shitney, Drama Club, Hydrangea Strangea, Buckmaster

New Year’s Eve is never complete if it doesn’t include a drag queen or two—that’s why it’s great that characters like Shitney Houston and Hydrangea Strangea will be at Function to periodically entertain the masses. Holocene’s Function party is setup to be a “backroom disco” party hosted by Patrick Buckmaster, founder of the monthly series of drag-inclusive “Sad Day” pity parties that have been held at the Lovecraft. Function’s lineup of DJs features some of Portland’s most exciting nightlife personalities, like futuristic funk and disco artist Chanti Darling (who I hope will be performing in addition to DJing), and plenty of twerk-worthy cuts from Casual Aztec, Jonny Guava, and DJ Pocket Rock-It. As one would expect, there will be a toast at midnight. In short: Come here if you desire drag, endless dancing, and good vibes galore. JENNI MOORE Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 8 pm, $25

Caleb Klauder’s NYE Rhinestone Bash
w/Western Centuries

There’s a reason this has become a New Year’s Eve tradition at the Spare Room: The Caleb Klauder Country Band rocks and they know how to put on a show. If you—for some reason—missed their NYE shows at the bar the past few years, now’s your chance pull on your cowboy boots and don that non-ironic western shirt to remedy the situation with the band’s Rhinestone Bash. Portland’s Klauder has been a Pacific Northwest bluegrass and Americana staple for more than two decades and his band is really fun to dance to. It’s genuine country music that doesn’t suck. They’ll be joined by great Seattle country band Western Centuries. The Spare Room, 4830 NE 42nd, 9 pm, $15 adv, $18 door DOUG BROWN

Matt Braunger

Ever since the terrible Louis C.K. news came out, I’ve been unable to tolerate most self-deprecating male comedians. Whenever I hear a beard/Tinder/psycho ex-girlfriend joke, I basically sprout Fury wings and seek vengeance. But there’s an exception to every rule, and I make one for good ol’ Matt Braunger. If you’re not a fan of fireworks or getting squished in a crowded bar, you should definitely celebrate the end of 2017 with Braunger. He’ll make you feel better about the world. He’s also from Portland, so he won’t make any dumb “LOL, yr town is soooo cuuuuuuuute” jokes. He’ll just be happy to be here. So will you. MEGAN BURBANK Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, early show 8 pm, $39-49, late show 10:30 pm, $54-64

Dance Hard Kiss Soft
w/DJs Maxx Bass & Lamar

If the dance floor is calling to you this New Year’s Eve, there’s no better place to move that moneymaker at midnight than Dig a Pony, the inner Southeast bar that’s become ground zero for Portland’s record-spinning culture. To that end, DAP’s repeating their ecstatic Dance Hard, Kiss Soft New Year’s Eve party, and they’ve got two of the city’s finest, hardest-working DJs to soundtrack that ass all the way into next year. Boogie connoisseur and crate digger Maxx Bass knows exactly which bottom-heavy joint will best electrify that booty, and Lamar LeRoy layers head-nodding grooves, reverie-inducing Italo disco rhythms, and off-kilter sonic delights into can’t-stop marathons of rapture. You’ll find no surer hands on the wheels of steel this New Year’s than these chauffeurs of sound—plus they’ve got some special guests in store. NED LANNAMANN Dig a Pony, 736 SE Grand, 8 pm, $15

New Year’s Extravaganza & Midnight Chocolate Buffet

Pix Pâtisserie sold me on their New Year’s Eve event with just three words: FREE. CHOCOLATE. BUFFET. We’re not talking about a couple of Crunch bars and some Ho Hos. Pix will reveal an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord at the crack of midnight that promises mousse, cake, meringue, ice cream, AND truffles. And as one of Portland’s most long-standing and well-regarded pastry spots, this joint has that legit European shit on lock. Just purchase a single beverage—Pix has a world-class champagne selection—and proceed to stuff yourself with an obscene amount of creamy, melty goodness. Bid farewell to 2017 with a fistful of cake in one hand and a pile of truffles in the other. BRI BREY Pix Pâtisserie, 2225 E Burnside, buffet at midnight, FREE

New Year’s Eve Salsa Live
w/SalsaNova Orchestra, DJ Adrian Mayen, DJ Zafiro, DJ Antonio Torres

There’s plain ol’ dancing, and then there’s salsa dancing, and if you’ve ever done the latter, you’re not gonna be satisfied with a New Year’s Eve without it. Luckily, the Imago Theatre’s brand-new salsa venue Imago Salsa Club is offering a full night of exactly what you need: all salsa from start to finish. Featuring the 12-piece SalsaNova Orchestra, the place will be packed with dancers dressed to the nines, displaying skills that will make this the sexiest, salsa-iest NYE party in town. Wallflower tip: Salsa dancing is almost as much fun to watch as it is to actually do, so even if you’re shy you’re bound to have a great time. You’re not likely to be able to resist the dance floor for long, though, so if you’re a true novice, there’s a beginner salsa lesson at 9:30 pm to gear you up for the rest of the night—and who knows? Maybe the rest of 2018, too. NL Imago Salsa Club, 17 SE 8th, 9:30 pm, $20 ($50 VIP seating)

The Parson Red Heads perform Oasis’ (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?
w/the Moody Dudes performing the Verve’s Urban Hymns

The Parson Red Heads are ringing in the New Year with an old tradition: playing an iconic record start-to-finish at the White Eagle Saloon. Last year the local Americana folk band covered Tom Petty’s Full Moon Fever, and this year they’re tackling Oasis’ 1995 sophomore album (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? It’s the English group’s most enduring record, with hits like “Wonderwall,” “Don’t Look Back in Anger,” and—perhaps appropriately for New Year’s Eve—“Champagne Supernova.” No word on whether the Red Heads will be in character while they sing the songs of the embattled Gallagher brothers, or whether they’ll have someone playing the scissors or peeling potatoes onstage. White Eagle, 836 N Russell, 9 pm, $10 adv, $12 doors CIARA DOLAN

Lumbertwink New Year’s Eve
w/DJ Tank Top, DJ Don’t

If you’re a man who loves men—especially men of the lumberjack variety—you are cordially invited to the Lumbertwink’s fourth annual New Year’s Eve blast. You’ll meet hundreds of hot, bearded lumber-dudes from all over the Pacific Northwest who are gonna be ready and willing to chop down the dance floor (with turntable assistance provided by DJ Tank Top and DJ Don’t). As always, those dressed in true lumberjack finery—flannel shirts or union suits—will receive discounted admission, and will be properly attired for the photo booth and midnight countdown (when god knows what will happen). So get your plaid on! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY Analog Theater, 720 SE Hawthorne, 8 pm, $15 ($10 with plaid or union suit)

Ponderosa New Year’s Eve Bash
w/Jessie Leigh, Rekless Company

The Ponderosa Lounge and Grill, housed in the Jubitz Truck Stop, has been operating up at the northern edge of Portland since 1969, hosting concerts by country artists like Brad Paisley and Miranda Lambert over the years (along with dozens and dozens of slightly less famous but no less great country performers). That’s why the past seven months—during which the Lounge has been closed for a major renovation—have been a weird time for local country-music lovers. But good news! The Ponderosa reopened earlier this month with a second bar, a new menu, and a VIP lounge, and tonight, it’ll twang in the new year with Pondo faves Jessie Leigh and Rekless Kompany, accompanied by a champagne toast, balloon drop, party favors, and more. BS Ponderosa Lounge at Jubitz Truck Stop, 10310 N Vancouver Way, 9 pm, $30 ($50 VIP)

Levitate: NYE 2018 with Mark Farina
w/Champagne Drip

For three full decades, Mark Farina has been one of the hardest-working men in house music. Not just in the way he takes great pains to handcraft his sounds, carefully building layers of transportive groove like a wizened combination of shaman and architect—but also in that dude does literally hundreds of shows every year. So if he’s choosing to spend the biggest party night of the year in Portland? Something extra special is bound to go down. If your New Year’s plans involve sweating out the alcohol faster than you can absorb it, Mr. Farina’s set at 45 East is the move. BOBBY ROBERTS 45 East, 315 SE 3rd, 9 pm, $20-25 advance, $30 doors

Michael Hurley, Hearts of Oak, Plastic Cactus, Mouth Painter

The New Year’s Eve celebration at Turn! Turn! Turn! doubles as your annual reminder that you don’t need to subject yourself to loud and unpleasant dance parties to have a great time while counting down to midnight. Portland treasures don’t shine any brighter than folk legend Michael Hurley, and while the singer/songwriter can easily be found playing around town on the regular, his five-decade career is more than worthy of the pomp and circumstance that accompanies tonight’s performance. Elsewhere on the bill you’ve got local up-and-comers Plastic Cactus, who were responsible for one of the year’s best debuts with their EP, Pricks. The quartet swirls elements of surf rock and spaghetti western into a tight and melodic package, perfect for swaying the night away alongside good company and a refreshing beverage. CHIPP TERWILLIGER Turn! Turn! Turn!, 8 NE Killingsworth, 8 pm, $8

Breakside Ball
w/Kinky Brothers, karaoke, and silent disco

Not that one ever would expect it to, but Breakside Brewery is definitively not fucking around this New Year’s. The brewery, one of the most consistent and best loved beer makers in Portland, is transforming its new Slabtown location into a one-stop shop, with a live band (the Kinky Brothers) in the main room, a karaoke lounge upstairs, and a chilly, eerie silent disco out in the street—plus there’ll be all that great Breakside beer to drink. It’s like the Great Wolf Lodge of New Year’s Eve events, but with more beer, better music, and fewer wolves. Well... maybe it’s safer to expect some wolves, though. Wouldn’t be the end of 2017 if we weren’t all expecting to be pounced by a goddamn wolf all night. More importantly, a portion of the proceeds go to New Avenues for Youth. DIRK VANDERHART Breakside Slabtown, 1570 NW 22nd, 8 pm, $35

Roselit Bone, Abronia

Roselit Bone is one of Portland’s best country bands. Earlier this year the nine-piece released the haunting Blister Steel, an album inspired by the scores of spaghetti Westerns and punctuated by frontman Joshua McCaslin’s yelps, grunts, and yodels. With his deep, bellowing voice, McCaslin sounds like he’s telling ghost stories about the cosmic cowboys of yore over a campfire, with flurries of horns and pedal steel swelling around him like crackling embers when he reaches the climax. It’s big, dark, and cinematic music—the perfect soundtrack to welcome the uncertainty of the coming year with open arms and warm bellies full of whiskey. CD The Know, 3728 NE Sandy, 9 pm, $8

Battle of the Decades

Time marches on, and leaves everyone behind; each passing year is merely another step on the pain-filled journey to an irrelevant death. So each New Year, we drink to forget: to forget our failures of the past year, to forget that we will inevitably fail again in the next one, to forget that all we hold dear will eventually crumble to dust. Luckily, you can forget all of that at Bunk Bar’s Battle of the Decades, which welcomes the New Year with no fewer than four cover bands—with each band playing the greatest hits of a decade, from the ’50s, ’60s, ’70s, and ’80s. Even better is who’s in those bands: An all-star lineup of musicians from Sleater-Kinney, the Thermals, Blesst Chest, Blitzen Trapper, the Jicks, and even more will combine their musical might. There are lots of things we need to forget, but this night will be one to remember. ERIK HENRIKSEN Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water, 9 pm, $20

Ash Street Saloon’s Farewell to Metal
w/Ditch Digger, Sustainer, Shelter Red, Bewitcher, Othrys, DwarfGiant, Veio

If Ash Street Saloon has meant a lot to you at any point over the past 23 years, then you should already have your New Year’s Eve plans dialed in: Go celebrate the venerable downtown dive bar, because it won’t be open ever again. With redevelopment happening all around it, Ash Street’s owners learned earlier this year that their landlords wouldn’t be renewing the bar/venue’s lease, and they’ve spent just about every night since saying farewell, often by hosting regulars and reunited old faves. That effort intensifies in 2017’s final week, with nights dedicated to indie rock, hip-hop, punk, rock ’n’ roll and, on New Year’s Eve, heavy metal. The metal bill includes seven of the finest, heaviest bands to grace the Ash Street stage, followed by a special surprise closing set. And then, at 1 am, the Ash Street Saloon closes forever. BS Ash Street Saloon, 225 SW Ash, 8 pm, $10

Jenny Don’t and the Spurs

Don’t do what Donnie Don’t does, but do do the to-do that Jenny Don’t and the Spurs are doin’ up at Landmark Saloon, the Division Street neighborhood’s bastion of twangy good times. The country outfit released their Call of the Road full-length earlier this year, and its lonesome, high-desert sound does the outlaw country tradition proud while inventing a few traditions of its own, like injecting a few morsels of punk rawness and West Coast surf guitar into their addictive, boot-scootin’ sound. If your ideal way to ring in the New Year involves leather, whiskey, and echoes of Patsy Cline, Jenny Don’t and the Spurs have you covered. NL Landmark Saloon, 4847 SE Division, 9 pm, FREE

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Send in the Clown

Santi Elijah Holley — Wed, 13 Dec 2017 04:00:00 -0800

Nikki Brown Clown brings love and laughter to her people. by Santi Elijah Holley

She steers her yellow Volkswagen Beetle convertible through the streets of North and Northeast Portland, a wide smile across her face, waving at children and parents. With her lime green wig, yellow bow, and heart-shaped red nose, she’s immediately recognized.

“Hey,” they shout. “There goes Nikki Brown Clown!”

Since 2011, Nikki Brown Clown has been a regular fixture in Portland—particularly in the city’s Black communities—hosting neighborhood events, book drives for children, and all-ages parties. One of her most recent events was last June’s annual Neighborhood Block Party in Northeast’s King neighborhood, which included face painting, live music, a children’s showcase, drumming by Chata Addy, and records from Portland’s preeminent DJ Lamar LeRoy. Nikki Brown Clown is such an energizing presence at events, dancing with children or sashaying at parades, that it seems like clowning has been her lifelong passion. But she fell into it mostly by accident, around 13 years ago, when a professional clown her friend had hired for her daughter’s birthday party fell through.

“I felt so bad for my friend, so I was like, 'Oh, I’ll just throw something on,’” Nikki says.

After performing at the birthday party, she walked down the street, still dressed in her slapdash clown costume, and was instantly mobbed by neighborhood kids, who were unaccustomed to seeing a clown casually strolling down the street, let alone a female, African American clown.

Years later, in 2011, her aunt was in charge of coordinating Portland’s annual Juneteenth celebration, and she asked Nikki to revive the clown and perform for children. Nikki bought secondhand clothes at Rerun, rainbow socks from New Seasons, and found what would become her signature green hair at a local wig store.

“I tried the best I could, but folks really took to it,” Nikki says. “They wanted to know who I was, if they could hire me. And I just laughed.”

Soon she was being asked to attend birthday parties and other events with enough frequency that she started to take it seriously, though many people were confused by her presence.

“When I first came out, adults didn’t know what to make of me,” Nikki says. “At first, they thought I was like Lil’ Kim or Nicki Minaj, or, you know, just being 'Portland weird.’”

Besides being a Black woman in a field traditionally dominated by white men, Nikki Brown Clown differs from professional clowns in that she’s not so much a performer as an active participant. She’s less concerned about putting on a show for an audience than getting people to loosen up and enjoy themselves.

“A lot of times, when I’m invited to an event, I’m not performing. I’m a guest,” she says. “I’m a spectator like you. We’re side-by-side, and that’s what makes it different. My character, she has a personality, a human quality, as opposed to being a standstill performer where you just sit and watch. We are all engaging together. It’s interactive.”

To learn more about makeup application and other clowning skills, Nikki applied to be an official clown at the 2013 Rose Festival. She received her official clown certificate, which also came with its own unique badge of distinction.

“I was awarded my first clown nose,” she says. “And instead of a big, gaudy nose, I chose a heart-shaped nose, to signify my love for my people.”

The following year, the Rose Festival Character Clown Corps named her Entertainer of the Year, and the year after, she was named Clown of the Year. But Nikki—a Portland native and graduate of Roosevelt High School—explains that instead of being motivated by accolades, she wants to be an asset to the community, to give something back to her people. Her stage isn’t limited to backyards and neighborhood parties; she’s at the school or church, or out on the block, offering support to folks in the city who historically have been disregarded or otherwise marginalized.

“I wanted to be the kind of community member that I wanted to see,” she says. “And that’s what the Black community in Portland was lacking. I wanted that superhero. Because of the displacement and gentrification of Portland, it makes it difficult to have what we used to have—these elders on the block that would celebrate you.”

As well as appearing at community events and parties, she also started the Nikki Brown Clown Library, a small collection of African American children’s books situated outside her former home on Northeast 10th and Emerson. Discernable by the colorful mural portrait of Nikki Brown Clown, the library is stocked predominately with donated books, which are free to take home. Books are also delivered to Black-owned shops, or handed out at neighborhood events.

“It is so amazing to be at these huge events like Good in the Hood, where there’s music, all these games and stuff, and then over by my booth, there are kids who are like, 'I can take this book for free?’” Nikki says. “And then they go and find a quiet place, or they sit in front of my booth and read, or I’ll read to them.

“It’s normal to see books in Portland. Portland doesn’t have a problem with that,” Nikki continues. “But the lack of diversity is terrible.”

Rekah Strong, Chief of Operations and Equity Officer at United Way of the Columbia-Willamette, relates how, as a recognizable and trusted figure in the community, Nikki Brown Clown’s responsibility goes beyond mere fun and entertainment.

“There aren’t a lot of African American mentors in the way that she shows up, and the way she has this ability to connect,” Strong says. “There’s something special about how various generations look up to her, and see her as a leader that brings a different kind of tremendous value to our community.”

In 2015, while performing at a Sunday Parkways event, a man on a bicycle approached Nikki Brown Clown and asked to take a photo with her. One year later, that man would become her husband, but his work obligated the newlyweds to relocate to Chico, California. Though she no longer lives in Portland, Nikki makes frequent appearances in the city, for community events like last June’s Neighborhood Block Party (held outside her library) and last July’s Back to School Book Fair, sponsored by Portland’s Black Parent Initiative (BPI).

Her next scheduled event is a Kwanzaa celebration at Matt Dishman Community Center on December 21. Partnering with BPI and Sabin CDC, the celebration will feature arts and crafts, dancing, food and drinks, a magic show, and Kwanzaa story time, as well as a marketplace featuring local, Black-owned businesses. She may now reside in Northern California, but Nikki Brown Clown hasn’t forgotten her folks. And her folks haven’t forgotten her.

“People are excited now when they see me in Portland, in my yellow Beetle,” she says. “Folks see that as a signal. The party has officially begun when Nikki Brown Clown shows up.”

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Portland Is Burning

Emilly Prado — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 04:00:00 -0800

Local ballroom culture is about much more than looking fabulous. by Emilly Prado

A group of ornately decked-out young people form a circle under pulsing disco lights in NYX Nightclub, a recent addition to Old Town’s slew of sweaty dance spots. Brandon Harrison, sporting a red beret instead of his otherworldly “Hydrangea Strangea” drag persona, rhythmically chants over the energetic dance-pop track booming from the speakers.

“Category is... art heaux,” he says. And the competition begins.

Illuminated by photographer Rakeem Salt’s handheld flash, extravagantly painted and embellished folks take turns strutting into the circle in search of 10s—a passing score needed from judges to advance to the next round. An intensely poised contestant enters the ring with a stunning blush kimono, sleek black wig, and Japanese kitsune mask. Exclusively referred to using feminine pronouns, the host says she’s serving “concept art face.” She exits after swiftly securing her 10s. Later, a towering contender elegantly twirls onto the floor wearing a perfectly tailored floral jumpsuit with a plunging neckline. Despite the darkness of the room, a pair of tiny circular sunglasses stays miraculously perched on the bridge of her nose. And her face—airbrushed in an ombré of pistachio and rose to match the jumpsuit—remains stoic and self-assured.

After nearly 10 minutes of individual walks, sirens blare and the battle commences: They now compete head-to-head, until one final contestant remains.

Portland Ballroom, also known as #PDXBall, is a monthly gathering that continues the decades-long tradition and evolution of drag balls, which are a unique subculture separate from drag shows, albeit a derivative. In Portland and beyond, every ball features a handful of categories (like art heaux) in which participants compete against one another for the winning title. Unlike larger, more serious balls—like New York City’s Latex Ball (now in its 27th year), which caters to the scene’s crème de la crème—Portland Ballroom is a laid-back, tenderfoot affair referred to as a kiki.

The first Portland Ball was held in June, inspiring the event’s organizers to host an educational course on ballroom etiquette and its vivid history for the first time in November. As the organizers grow into their roles as teachers, they stress the importance of fostering and maintaining an atmosphere of intentionality and respect as the scene flourishes. That means passing along the scene’s history and preserving its oral tradition.

Kerry Yamaucci ended up in Portland by way of Hawaii and Arizona. She says understanding the historical context of ball is essential before jumping in.

“The ballroom scene was centered on building community and literally keeping each other alive during the AIDS epidemic,” she says. “That’s how a lot of children found resources to live better lives and practice safer practices. With Portland being so white, a lot of people don’t quite view the aspect of community as so important—but we need to center it back on community.”

Competition rarely equates with community, but for ball scene participants, it’s impossible to have one without the other.

Even as balls have been synonymous with formal dance and heterosexual elitism for centuries, sometime between the 1920s and ’30s, drag balls quietly emerged in Harlem to provide a space for communities of gay men. The earliest iterations of drag balls were lavish costume parties, but over time they became the queer answer to beauty pageants. With the passing decades, the most coveted looks shifted from sparkly Las Vegas showgirl to elegant old Hollywood and later, sleek supermodel fashions. That said, traditional notions of beauty were still celebrated and reigned supreme.

As word of the counterculture spread, drag balls were frowned upon by uptight society, and outlawed. Nevertheless, drag balls persisted, and like much of the queer community, they continued to thrive underground.

As highlighted in the 1990 documentary Paris Is Burning, drag balls—simply referred to as “balls” under the umbrella of ballroom culture—have continued to evolve. And with that came a deeper sense of inclusion and kinship. While balls provided a sense of security and self-expression for some, many Black and Brown performers were treated like spectators for years—often excluded from participation or ignored in competition.

After decades of being pushed to the sidelines, an exclusively Black and Brown drag ball circuit formed during the 1960s. With this increased attention, however, participating in balls became even more dangerous than before, inspiring the organizers to move the start time to the wee hours of the morning for added security. Unlike those held at the midnight hour, Black and Brown balls began between 3 and 5 am, which made the festivities more accessible for sex workers, and the practice continues to be honored in the New York City ball circuit today.

By the mid-’70s, Crystal LaBeija, a Black drag queen from Harlem, introduced the concept of ballroom houses. Modeled after family units, mothers and fathers of houses provide guidance, love, and community for their children in the ballroom scene—often in place of biological relationships. Houses marked a new shift from balls as a pastime to an act of survival. Even if members weren’t interested in competition, they still had a place to call home.

Daniel Girón, father of the House of Ada in Portland and a dance instructor at Vitalidad Movement Arts Center, was 11 when his family relocated to Oregon from his hometown of Veracruz, Mexico. When he was 23, he decided to leave Wilsonville for Portland in pursuit of dance.

“It didn’t take long to realize that although there were a lot of gay dancers, there was not a queer scene for dancers,” Girón says. “The more I learned about dance, I started finding out about vogue.”

Voguing, which is often conflated with ballroom culture and often overshadows it, is a style of dance that originated as a game between gay inmates at Riker’s Island who battled each other by quickly striking poses to mimic the poses of models in Vogue magazine. In Portland, Girón is a leading instructor of the dance style, and the ballroom scene here emerged in part from collaboration with his vogue students and friends.

Kumari Suraj, an internationally renowned leader of vogue, waacking, and house dances, taught Girón how to vogue, and after a few years living in Portland, began to lay down the foundation for the future ballroom scene.

“[Suraj] noticed there were a few voguers in town, so she decided to throw a couple of balls in 2014,” says Girón. “Through her I was able to train, travel, and learn more about the culture, which led me to kiki with friends.”

Suraj hosted Nostalgia and Waack Fest a few times per year, while Critical Mascara—the now-defunct TBA event hosted by Pepper Pepper that was dubbed a “post-realness drag extravaganza”—provided another yearly space for LGBTQ people to gather and meet likeminded folks. In 2014, during an installment of kiki function Love Ball, Girón formed House of Ada; at Critical Mascara 2015, he befriended Yamaucci, Harrison, and Marquise Dickerson. Together with Leigh Sachiye and Paula Metzler, the six are leading the ballroom scene in Portland today.

Check out the Ballroom Glossary too.

Harrison and Sachiye (both Portland locals who met while taking dance lessons from Girón) formed House of Flora in the spring of 2016.

“House of Flora was more about drag and the look,” says Harrison. “We were coming in for the categories of runway and face. It was nice to have House of Ada, which was very vogue and dance-centered, and then have this other house that could offer the girls something slightly different.”

He explains that house relationships are friendly and symbiotic, with each unit encouraging the other to step up their respective game in all categories. Unlike established houses in New York City with decades of history and legacy, Portland’s houses are referred to as kiki houses, because they’re new and flexible, with fluctuating membership.

“With a growing scene, it’s super important not to be vicious—because it’s going to turn people away,” says Harrison. “We’re literally all learning. We’re not professionals. We share resources and try to build community.”

While Harrison continues to guide House of Flora as the father, Sachiye has stepped down, and Metzler—a Sexy Heels instructor at Vitalidad who came to the US from Fukuoka, Japan when she was five—is the House of Ada mother.

“I make sure the children of the house are feeling good about themselves, their place in the community, and have a platform where they can choreograph or do an important performance,” she says. “I want to be their mom and make sure they feel valid as fuck in the community, because they are amazing and I love my babies.”

While the ballroom scene is revered for serving excellent looks, Sachiye stresses the importance of seeing the deeper meaning behind houses and their histories.

“People conflate an artist collective with a house,” Sachiye says. “But the idea of a house is centered on community, while art collectives might be focused on image and production of work.”

When Dickerson adds that it’s especially disrespectful to claim the title of a house without ever winning, Yamaucci quips, “How are you going to keep your house warm without a trophy?”

Sachiye cries, “The children are freezing!”

Jokes aside, Portland’s ballroom scene can be summarized by this display of balanced playfulness and ferocity. As the six performers accept the onus to share their knowledge within the city’s scene and beyond, they frequently remind me of their newbie status when compared to the larger, flourishing network of balls around the country.

“All of us are in a really unique position because we’re now the leaders in this community, but all of us are students,” Sachiye says. “We might be bigger fish in a small pond here, but when we went to New York—”

“We were guppies!” Harrison finishes.

Metzler says that one way the group chooses to further the tradition of making balls inclusive while remaining uniquely Portland is with their category distinction.

“Our categories aren’t as specific to gender, which is a very traditional way to set categories. But instead [ours are] OTA—or, open to all,” she says.

“We’re so small, OTA is the best way for us to go,” Harrison adds. “We [also] include a gender-neutral and gender non-conforming division for folks who don’t believe in gender or whose gender is not represented.”

“Even though we’re trying to build the scene, we are respecting the legacy. We want to make it Portland in a way that can still be respectful,” adds Girón.

Each of the scene’s leaders is grateful for the strong kinship and visibility they attribute to the ball scene, and for the empowerment they get from being involved. Sachiye says the ball community has helped her feel like she has a place that’s honored within the LGBTQ community.

“There’s really not a space for women and femmes in the gay scene,” she says. “But I’ve found people that really see me and celebrate my femme-ness and things that other people outside of this community dismiss or actively try to shut down. The idea that you can come into a space like this and be celebrated—that’s really powerful and beautiful.”

For Yamaucci, she’s thrilled to reclaim a mentorship role.

“As I’ve become more secure in being a trans woman and what that means and looks like to me, it’s meant helping other trans women figure out what that looks like and feels like to them,” she says. “Before transitioning, I was really into LGBTQ student resources and providing support. When I transitioned, I felt like I lost a lot of that, because I didn’t know what was happening and didn’t know how to handle it. It’s nice to be back in a position where if people do have questions, I have some answers, ways to help, [and]know people who can do this. What I used to say was, 'You’re always one gay away from solving your problem,’ and I feel that a lot more.”

“The idea that you can come into a space like this and be celebrated—that’s really powerful and beautiful.”

As a queer Black femme, Dickerson echoes similar sentiments.

“Being involved in the ballroom scene has helped me connect to all parts of myself,” Dickerson says. “It’s helped me find the power in being a femme and embracing that. I’m able to use that as an armor as I walk through the world. It’s really hard to be Brown and queer, especially here. How our scene differs from LA or New York is that those scenes are so Black and Brown and queer. We struggle to find each other here, but [the ballroom scene] gives me a link to the ancestors and people that came before me. That’s why I love it so much.”

Portland Ballroom will continue to host monthly balls and plans to teach another etiquette course at the beginning of 2018. As the histories of queer culture are carried through oral accounts, the dates vary depending on sources, but the team is excited to keep learning and sharing with others.

With growth, they say it’s even more imperative for them to stay true to the history of ballroom culture and respect its traditions.

“I’m not Black or Latinx and I’m not a trans woman, but this culture is a really beautiful gift,” says Sachiye. “It’s something that all of us must try really hard to preserve and honor.”

“It’s important for people to know how to act at a ball and how to walk,” adds Dickerson. “If you’re a white body walking these categories, it’s important to understand and respect the culture that you are, honestly, a guest in. You’re really just on vacation.”

“It’s a visa,” Yamaucci says.

“If you’re not careful, it will get revoked,” Sachiye warns.

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Ballroom Glossary

Wed, 06 Dec 2017 04:00:00 -0800

Local ballroom culture is about much more than looking fabulous.

Check out Portland Is Burning

BUTCH QUEEN A butch queen is a gay man. Performance categories with this description are for cis gay men.

BUTCH QUEEN UP IN DRAG or DRAGS Men in drag serving a female illusion. Categories with this description are for men dressed in drag as women.

BUTCHES Trans men. Categories with this description are for trans men.

CHOP Being cut from a category. Getting chopped means you will not advance to the next round of that category.

FEMME QUEEN Trans woman. Categories with this description are for trans womxn only.

HOUSE An organization within the ballroom community that serves as a system of support, provides resources, and enters and throws balls. A traditional house is headed by a mother and father of the house.

HOUSE MOTHER and FATHER Two leaders of a house who are known and respected in the ball scene. A mother or father of a house takes on a leadership role in providing support, knowledge, and camaraderie to the house’s “children.”

KIKI A kiki is a low-key function, sometimes including dancing and friendly competition. Always fun, never serious. The kiki ballroom scene is focused heavily on community, and events are often run by up-and-coming members of the scene. Participants refer to the growing ballroom scene in the Northwest as a kiki scene because the scene is so new.

LEGENDARY CHILDREN Up-and-coming members in the ballroom scene.

NEW WAY New way is a style of vogue that emphasizes rigid movements, contortions, flexibility, tutting, and locking.

OLD WAY Old way is the first style of vogue. Originally called “presentation,” old way emphasizes creating straight lines and angles.

OTA Open to all. Anyone of any gender presentation can enter this category. Can also refer to styles of vogue, meaning a voguer can dance old way, new way, or femme.

PASSING The ability to be perceived as either a cisgender man or cisgender woman. This term is usually reserved for trans people.

REALNESS The ability to blend into a group that is not necessarily one’s own. For example, if a category calls for “executive realness,” contestants will be expected to serve their best rich CEO look.

SERVE (TO SERVE A LOOK/ELEMENT) To bring it to the floor at 110 percent. For example, to “serve face” means you are showing every element of your face. To serve a look means you are not only wearing the outfit but you are giving a strut and bringing attitude.

10s Getting your 10s from the judges means participants will progress to the next round of the competition.

VOGUE Vogue is a style of dance originated in Harlem in the 1970s. Vogue began in Riker’s Island prison at a time when straight inmates were separated from their queer counterparts. These mostly Black and Latinx inmates created a game where they would imitate the poses and photos in Vogue magazine, seeing who could best serve the look. Paris Dupree brought this game from Riker’s Island to the clubs, where it became a form of dance celebrated internationally.

VOGUE FEMME Vogue femme is a style of vogue that emphasizes feminine movements. There are five elements to this style: cat walk, duck walk, hand performance, spins and dips, and floor performance.

WAACKING/WHACKING A club style dance from the ’70s, traditionally danced to underground disco music. Some of the main elements of the style are “punking” (dramatic storytelling), arm and hand performance, and precise musicality.

WALK (A CATEGORY) To enter a category in a ball.

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“Can Anybody Help Out This Week?”

Megan Burbank — Wed, 29 Nov 2017 04:00:00 -0800

Six days at the Pacific Northwest’s regional abortion fund. by Megan Burbank

MONDAY

“You don’t have to justify what you’re doing.”

On Monday morning, the Northwest Abortion Access Fund’s weekly budget is replenished, and a new hotline shift begins.

This week, Jeanie Schauerman is one of two volunteers staffing the hotline, responding to callers throughout the Pacific Northwest who need help paying for their abortion procedures. Schauerman’s been doing this work for 12 years, and her shift always starts the same way: She gets up on Monday morning, makes some coffee, and checks her phone to see what funding requests have come in since the previous shift ended on Friday. Then she corrals her pets, finds a quiet spot in her home, and starts returning calls.

Schauerman is warm and opinionated in the way of old-school reproductive rights activists—the ones who remember life before Roe v. Wade legalized abortion in the United States. In an email sent after our initial conversation, she discloses that she lost a friend to a back-alley abortion in the days before Roe: “Never again!”

Schauerman says she initially wanted to be a clinic escort—a volunteer who helps patients get past the anti-abortion protesters who frequently throng clinic entrances—but found it didn’t jibe with her work schedule. So instead, on the suggestion of an activist friend, she started working at the abortion fund hotline. She’s been answering the phone ever since. Monday and Tuesday are her busiest days.

“The first week I was on the hotline, 12 years ago, I almost quit because I had so many calls that first day, and I thought, ‘I just can’t do this and work full-time. I just can’t do this,’” says Schauerman. “And then it tapers off.”

This week she had backup. Until Monday, November 6, Schauerman had been volunteering with the Network for Reproductive Options (NRO), an Oregon-based fund. But this week was the first in a merge between NRO and the CAIR Project, a Washington State abortion fund. The newly formed Northwest Abortion Access Fund (NWAAF) provides abortion funding to the largest service area in the nation, one that spans Oregon, Washington, Idaho, and Alaska, effectively making it the biggest such fund in the country. “I like to say it’s a million square miles geographically, but it’s also a million square miles culturally,” says NWAAF Board President Katherine McGuiness.

Case in point: After NWAAF’s first week in existence, Schauerman reported that most of her calls came from Idaho.

“That’s crazy,” I say.

“Well, that’s sad,” she replies. “Because they have nothing in Idaho.”

According to NWAAF advocates based in both Oregon and Washington, it’s also typical. Throughout the country, anti-abortion activists have pushed model legislation on statehouses in a coordinated effort to make abortion a right in name only—it’s death by a thousand cuts, in the form of disingenuous, medically unsound restrictions that include mandatory waiting periods, parental notification laws, and targeted regulation of abortion provider (TRAP) laws. These include things like holding abortion clinics to the same physical standards as ambulatory surgical centers, or forcing mandatory junk-science scripts on doctors as a way to propagate long-debunked myths about abortion.

Because NWAAF’s service region spans a patchwork of varied abortion laws and provider availability, the need for funding is demonstrably greater in certain areas.

Oregon and Washington don’t have any TRAP laws on the books, and while the Hyde Amendment—the federal budget rider passed by Congress every year—denies federal coverage of abortion, both Oregon and Washington’s state Medicaid funds cover abortion procedures, through the Oregon Health Plan (OHP) and Washington Apple Health.

In Idaho, that safety net doesn’t exist.

The state has a parental notification law and a 24-hour waiting period, which can make seeking care burdensome and expensive. According to the Guttmacher Institute, a pro-choice research organization, from 2011-12, the average cost of a surgical abortion procedure at 10 weeks’ gestation with local anaesthesia was $480; the average cost of a chemical abortion, which is induced with medication rather than a procedure, was $504. And beyond the first trimester, the cost of an abortion goes up incrementally: The average cost of a procedure at 20 weeks is $1,500.

Because Idaho doesn’t have statewide paid sick leave, NWAAF’s McGuiness says women seeking abortions there may have to take uncompensated time off for their appointments. And if they’re among the 59 percent of women seeking abortions who have already had at least one child, they have to line up childcare, too.

To complicate matters further, says McGuiness, “There are four clinics in Idaho, and three are in one city—so really, there’s two places where you can get an abortion in Idaho. So the amount of travel that incurs, the lack of public transit systems... I mean, these abortion restrictions also play into other barriers that folks face when needing an abortion.”

A conversation with Carly* confirms this. Carly is a student in her 30s who lives in Idaho and received funding from the CAIR Project to help cover the out-of-pocket cost of an abortion procedure. In addition to a combination of funding from CAIR and a friend who was willing to share a flexible spending account insurance card, Carly says the fact that she happens to live near one of those four clinics was instrumental in her ability to access care.

Carly grew up attending Christian schools and regularly attends church with her family. “I don’t like that I had to make that decision,” she says of her choice to have an abortion. But it was the right thing for her family: She has three children, and her previous pregnancies were medically complicated both for her and her children. She needed to consider what was best for them. “I know deep down in my heart that it wouldn’t be fair to that child,” she says. “It wouldn’t be fair to my kids.... Having children is not just a thing you do. It’s a huge decision.”

Carly had her abortion when she was only five weeks pregnant. But she tells me that because Idaho has no second-trimester abortion providers, women who find out they’re pregnant later than she did often end up needing to travel to Oregon or Washington for care. For those cases, NWAAF also operates a practical support program to help to cover non-medical expenses related to abortion, like transportation and places to stay.

Carly has insurance coverage through Medicaid, but because Idaho is an abortion-hostile state without a local Medicaid option for covering the procedure, she had to pay for her abortion out of pocket.

“It’s crazy that [the state] wouldn’t cover a $600 choice, but would cover medical insurance for that child for the next 18 years,” she says.

But even when state Medicaid funds cover abortion, and even when women have private insurance, access can still be a problem.

“Sometimes people end up having to pay for their entire abortion out of pocket anyway, even though they have insurance they pay for, or that they get through an employer-sponsored plan, because the deductible is just too high. So effectively they don’t have coverage,” says Samantha Gladu, Board Vice President of NWAAF.

Women may also have to pay out-of-pocket if they’re on federal insurance plans, which the Hyde Amendment prevents from covering abortion. This includes women in the Peace Corps, Native American women whose insurance comes from the Indian Health Service, and military servicewomen on TriCare insurance through the armed forces. None of these programs cover abortion. For Alisha, a woman in the military who had to travel to Oregon from out of state for her procedure, that meant her abortion at 15 weeks cost $2,000. Even with funding from what was then NRO, Alisha is still paying off the portion of her abortion that she paid for herself, months after her appointment.

These gaps in coverage, along with confidentiality concerns and the artificial, politically-motivated separation of reproductive health care from other forms of health care, advocates say, creates a stark situation for women seeking abortions. It also means patients often need to show up to their appointments with the full cost of their procedure on hand, either in the form of cash or promised vouchers.

Then there’s the problem of the federal government’s reversal of Obama-era protections for birth control. Improved access to birth control has been shown to reduce abortion rates. It doesn’t take an expert to deduce what the consequences of its opposite will be.

All of this means that by the time women reach the hotline, they’ve often already exhausted most other options. At that point, says Schauerman, the callers she speaks with sometimes just need to talk: “So I let them talk.”

And if they’re apologetic about their decision to have an abortion, says Schauerman, “I always tell them, ‘You don’t have to justify what you’re doing, to me. Please, it’s your decision—I support you 100 percent in whatever you decide to do.’ I think it’s important for them to know they’re not being judged, and I feel really, really bad when somebody starts to feel like they have to say, you know, ‘My birth control didn’t work’ or ‘I didn’t use it’—it’s none of my business. I’m there just to support them in whatever decision they make.”

*Some hotline callers’ names and identifying details have been changed to protect their privacy.

TUESDAY-WEDNESDAY

“I think we have to know that when we can’t fully fund people... that person might not get the abortion they need.”

I interviewed five hotline advocates from Oregon and Washington for this article. All of them reported that often, funding on the hotline runs out by Tuesday or Wednesday.

There’s a good reason for this.

“You know, for the most part, the structure that [we] operate under is that we will fund within the given week of a procedure appointment,” says Ellie Witwer, NWAAF’s hotline manager. “And that’s just because we want to make sure we’re prioritizing people who are scheduled within that week... the upcoming appointment that’s scheduled for tomorrow rather than two weeks away.”

When someone is turned down for funding, they’re typically told to reschedule their appointment and call back the following week.

“At the same time, we don’t drop people,” says Patricia Atwater, who operates NWAAF’s practical support program. “If people are okay with rescheduling and working with us, we’ll make sure people get seen.”

Still, says Schauerman, “If you just don’t have $550 for a procedure, you just don’t have it. And you have to pay rent, you have to [buy] food, you have to take care of your children if you have other children, and the idea of trying to scrape together $550 or $700 or even $200 can just be totally overwhelming.”

Schauerman says that telling someone she can’t fund her procedure is one of the worst parts of working the hotline. “It’s really hard when you have to tell someone, 'I’m out of funds this week.’ That’s got to be the hardest thing for me,” she says. “I really have a tough time with that. I wish we could just give it to everybody. I just think that abortion should be free anyway, but that’s my biased opinion.”

A friend of mine who has experience volunteering on an abortion fund hotline once told me that when she couldn’t fund someone, she told herself that she just had to trust that the person on the phone would be resourceful enough to figure out funding for themselves. I ask McGuiness if she ever does this.

“I tell myself that too,” she replies. “But I also know that’s not necessarily true. I think we have to know that when we can’t fully fund people to what they need—whether that’s funding their whole abortion, or if they need $300 and we can only do $200—there’s an absolute good chance that person might not get the abortion they need.”

And what happens then?

“Self-induced abortion,” says McGuiness, with hardly a pause.

“Increased risk of poverty,” says Gladu.

“Getting into a cycle of not being the person to steer your own life, because suddenly you’re making decisions about your life based on an unintended pregnancy,” adds McGuiness.

They’re right. The link between being denied an abortion and heightened risk of poverty is well documented. In 2013, the New York Times reported on a study conducted by University of California-San Francisco Associate Professor of Obstetrics & Gynecology Diana Greene Foster, which found women who were denied abortions were three times as likely as those who had abortions to end up living below the federal poverty line two years later. Women denied abortions also reported more negative health outcomes.

As for the specter of self-induced abortion, while it might seem a macabre relic of pre-Roe America, the risk is real, and the consequences are horrific. When abortion clinics were shuttered in Texas following the 2013 passage of restrictive TRAP law House Bill 2 (HB2), the Texas Policy Evaluation Project estimated that between 100,000 and 240,000 women attempted to self-induce abortions. The outcomes of self-induced abortion are also well established: They include infection, sepsis, and death.

McGuiness says she also worries about the women the hotline doesn’t hear from. “Folks who need abortion funds are often the most resilient and resourceful folks already,” she says. “I mean, they’re at a point where they’re calling someone they don’t know, so I’m often less worried about the folks that will call us, because they’re at a place where they feel confident enough to reach out to someone who’s a stranger. I’m worried about the folks that don’t call us. So are those the folks that just don’t get an abortion? Because it takes a certain amount of confidence to call someone you don’t know, and be vulnerable with them and explain your situation. There’s also a cultural aspect to that, around who feels like they deserve help and who feels like they don’t. And so I worry about the folks that don’t call us—who hear the price when an abortion clinic says the amount, and hang up, and then just continue with their pregnancies.”

THURSDAY-FRIDAY

“Can anybody help out this week?”

On Thursday and Friday, says Schauerman, calls to the hotline usually slow down. The end of the week is dedicated to making sure everyone who’s able to be funded is covered, and getting back to callers who’ve left messages.

Most abortion funds are staffed by volunteers. They are, by nature, scrappy activist organizations, and NWAAF is no different. Though there’s a sense among the NWAAF volunteers I spoke to that more money is always needed, it’s also clear that the organization has come a long way since, as Schauerman describes it, “back in the day when we used to have just a little flip phone that we shared back-and-forth.” The hotline really did travel—it was passed off between between volunteers living in Portland and Eugene. It even went on vacation with Schauerman. Volunteers now use an app, but in NRO’s early days, hotline volunteers passed around that little phone, and carried notes over from shift to shift in a notebook.

This grassroots approach also means that the staffers I talk to are more forthcoming than their counterparts at more well-known abortion rights organizations. While a request for comment from Planned Parenthood might result in a carefully crafted media release by press time, the volunteer staff of NWAAF return my calls and emails promptly. They schedule conference calls and come into the Mercury offices for interviews. One woman who received abortion funding from NWAAF talks to me for nearly an hour over the phone.

They also don’t couch what they do in euphemistic, empty phrases like “women’s health.” When the CAIR Project and NRO merged, they intentionally included the word “abortion” in their new name.

“We had previously not had ‘abortion’ in either of our names,” says McGuiness of the decision, “and we’re not ashamed to be an abortion fund and, really, we weren’t the Network for Reproductive Options, because we weren’t going to help someone pay for their hysterectomy... I mean, we hadn’t. Maybe we would. But we weren’t able to pay for people’s colposcopies, or other reproductive services, and we weren’t paying for birth charges. We weren’t doing any of that. And so we were at a place where we didn’t want to dance around it anymore. I understand that to be able to not dance around that is a real privilege, and it’s a privilege that we have that a lot of our colleagues in Southern states don’t have. They’re targets of hate and violence if they use that word—and so, because we can say it, we should say it, and we should be really loud about it.”

“Abortion is normal,” adds Gladu. “It happens! There’s no getting around it.... Everybody knows someone who’s had an abortion, because one in three women do have an abortion. So, chances are, if you haven’t heard about it, you just haven’t asked.”

The fund’s approach to reproductive rights is also representative of a more inclusive version of feminism than the cautious white feminism the pro-choice movement has often been criticized for in the past. It also represents the voice of a younger generation than the one that marched in support of Roe. NWAAF’s website contains overt references to intersectional feminism, the Black Lives Matter movement, and reproductive justice—the human rights paradigm pioneered by women of color that hinges on the idea that reproductive rights fit into a larger vision of social justice that includes racial and economic equality. It’s not just a matter of good optics, either: NWAAF has bilingual hotline staffing and an extra source of funding available for Spanish speakers, set up in part as a way of recognizing that non-native English speakers often face an additional barrier to health care. (I often hear women in their 60s and 70s opine that there are no young reproductive rights activists; I have to wonder if they know about abortion funds.)

NWAAF is one of 70 grassroots funds nationwide that are part of a network called the National Network of Abortion Funds (NNAF). Sometimes, NWAAF gets calls from women far out of state—Schauerman says many came from Texas after clinics began closing in 2013 due to HB2. When that happens, NWAAF staff refer callers to their own local funds.

And though NWAAF obviously doesn’t have anywhere near the resources that more visible reproductive rights organizations do, they seem a lot more fun. There are no political galas on NWAAF’s social calendar. Instead, they fundraise with a yearly bowl-a-thon and off-the-cuff fundraising initiatives like NNAF’s “taco or beer challenge,” which specifies only that participants must “eat a taco and/or drink a beer” and make a donation to an abortion fund. McGuiness has made freezer jam as an impromptu fundraiser for NRO. When funding hits a wall, volunteers often turn to their counterparts across the country via a private Facebook group.

“Often times, within the abortion fund network, we’ll see Facebook posts saying, ‘Hey, I’m working on this caller... the cost is $25,000. We have $13,000. Can anybody help out this week?’” says Gladu.

“You see people throw in whatever they can, from $50 to $500,” says McGuiness.

MONDAY

“People’s dignity is at the heart of this.”

Unless something drastically changes, this will be the reality for women in the Pacific Northwest and across the country: If they can’t afford an abortion, they will need to call someone they don’t know, at a phone number they don’t recognize, to ask for help—all this, for a medical procedure that typically lasts only five to 10 minutes, and is constitutionally protected, medically uncomplicated, and incredibly common. Women like Carly and Alisha will call and hope that someone will pick up the phone—someone like Jeanie Schauerman. Someone who will listen, make a decision about how much funding to pull from the weekly budget, and arrange to fax a payment voucher to the clinic—or promise to follow up if the week’s funding’s already run out.

“I think we will always continue funding people’s abortions,” McGuiness says. “But also, how do we strategically and intentionally move upstream a little bit, to make it so that we don’t have to continually hand out $150-200 at a time? And so that people don’t have to lose dignity by calling a stranger to ask for abortion funding. To me, people’s dignity is at the heart of this.”

Laws like Oregon’s Reproductive Health Equity Act, which goes into effect in 2018, and state Medicaid coverage present two solutions that could be replicated elsewhere. But in the meantime, McGuiness is right: Lost dignity and agency are the collateral costs of treating abortion differently from other forms of health care, of rescinding public funding for it, and of cruel, meaningless restrictions, that, combined with economic and racial inequities, guarantee unequal access for low-income women, people of color, women living on Indian reservations, women in the military, and women on Medicaid.

This is the cost of misogyny masquerading as health care policy—an untenable situation that, if it involved any other health care procedure, would be called a public health crisis.

Legislative and logistical barriers to abortion don’t make abortion go away, of course. As with anything else, they just make it invisible, driving providers and support systems for patients under the radar so that volunteer-led organizations like NWAAF end up with the impossible, endless job of filling gaps in health care coverage. It’s work that the government should be doing. But in a political environment that broadly antagonizes health care, and specifically stigmatizes birth control and abortion, the need for outside funding for abortion is only likely to grow. And someone has to be there to answer the call.

On Monday morning, the Northwest Abortion Access Fund’s weekly budget is replenished, and a new hotline shift begins.

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Portland Mercury: Feature

The Scorpion

On a Tuesday afternoon, agents tailed McGraw from his Newberg home to the post office a few minutes away. Wearing thin black gloves, McGraw put seven Priority Mail packages in the collection boxes.

A Peek at Portland’s Alternative Universe

1845: Welcome to Boston, Oregon!

1849: Presenting Governor Abraham Lincoln (R-OR)

1905: Portland Hosts the [Insert Your Name Here] Exposition

1940s: Bugsy Siegel Deals with a Little Rain

1942: Tom McCall Stays at the News-Review

1974: The Mount Hood Freeway Cuts Through Southeast

1984: Michael Jordan, Trail Blazer

1985: Bud Clark Doesn’t Expose Himself

2009: Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen Didn’t Do Anything

Overkill

A City Scandalized

Once upon a time, Portland was the Wild West.

The Gay Lothario

A Bestial Story

Underground Again

A Crime Against Nature

The Best Tweets to @TedWheeler

January | February | March | April | May | June | July | August | September | October | November | December

JANUARY

FEBRUARY

MARCH

APRIL

“You are not Satan, make sure they remember that”-@spiccoliculkin, May 3

MAY

JUNE

JULY

AUGUST

SEPTEMBER

“Turd Wheeler”-@ladybagpipes, Sept 26

OCTOBER

NOVEMBER

“Worst mayor since hales”-@RudeTexasKitty, Nov 7

DECEMBER

Not Invited Back for 2018

Getting Excited About a Baseball Team Coming to Portland

Winking

The Friend Zone

Cookie Dough Cafes

Star Wars

Encores

Fingerprint Scanners at the Gym

Ventriloquism

Bad Sex Ed

Huggers

Mishandling the Cold

Mishandling the Heat

Telling Me About Male Fragility

Post-Credit Sequences in Movies

Using the Phrase “Netflix and Chill” Wrong

The Eclipse

Bonus! Four Stupid Things I’d Love to See More Of for 2018

Longboards

Snacking and Sporting

Vaping

French Bulldogs

Wasn’t that easy and not particularly important? I hope it helped. Now let’s go get some wolves.

The Mercury Guide to Best New Year’s Eves in Town

Explode into Colors w/Maarquii, Jvnitor, Blossom

Function w/Casual Aztec, DJ Pocket Rock-It, Jonny Guava, Chanti Darling DJs, Shitney, Drama Club, Hydrangea Strangea, Buckmaster

Caleb Klauder’s NYE Rhinestone Bash w/Western Centuries

Matt Braunger

Dance Hard Kiss Soft w/DJs Maxx Bass & Lamar

New Year’s Extravaganza & Midnight Chocolate Buffet

New Year’s Eve Salsa Live w/SalsaNova Orchestra, DJ Adrian Mayen, DJ Zafiro, DJ Antonio Torres

The Parson Red Heads perform Oasis’ (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? w/the Moody Dudes performing the Verve’s Urban Hymns

Lumbertwink New Year’s Eve w/DJ Tank Top, DJ Don’t

Ponderosa New Year’s Eve Bash w/Jessie Leigh, Rekless Company

Levitate: NYE 2018 with Mark Farinaw/Champagne Drip

Michael Hurley, Hearts of Oak, Plastic Cactus, Mouth Painter

Breakside Ball w/Kinky Brothers, karaoke, and silent disco

Roselit Bone, Abronia

Battle of the Decades

Ash Street Saloon’s Farewell to Metal w/Ditch Digger, Sustainer, Shelter Red, Bewitcher, Othrys, DwarfGiant, Veio

Jenny Don’t and the Spurs

Send in the Clown

Portland Is Burning

Explode into Colors
w/Maarquii, Jvnitor, Blossom

Function
w/Casual Aztec, DJ Pocket Rock-It, Jonny Guava, Chanti Darling DJs, Shitney, Drama Club, Hydrangea Strangea, Buckmaster

Caleb Klauder’s NYE Rhinestone Bash
w/Western Centuries

Dance Hard Kiss Soft
w/DJs Maxx Bass & Lamar

New Year’s Eve Salsa Live
w/SalsaNova Orchestra, DJ Adrian Mayen, DJ Zafiro, DJ Antonio Torres

The Parson Red Heads perform Oasis’ (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?
w/the Moody Dudes performing the Verve’s Urban Hymns

Lumbertwink New Year’s Eve
w/DJ Tank Top, DJ Don’t

Ponderosa New Year’s Eve Bash
w/Jessie Leigh, Rekless Company

Levitate: NYE 2018 with Mark Farina
w/Champagne Drip

Breakside Ball
w/Kinky Brothers, karaoke, and silent disco

Ash Street Saloon’s Farewell to Metal
w/Ditch Digger, Sustainer, Shelter Red, Bewitcher, Othrys, DwarfGiant, Veio