Ramallah, January 2 - The President of the Palestinian Authority acknowledged today that he will consider calling the first plebiscite in nearly two decades, provided that IDF maintains anti-terrorism operations against his rivals that will deprive those rivals of votes by killing, capturing, or otherwise incapacitating enough of those voters.

Aides to President Mahmoud Abbas - who also chairs the Palestine Liberation Organization and its leading faction, Fatah - told reporters today that Mr. Abbas has been monitoring the number of Hamas fighters and supporters that Israel has neutralized since last October 7, and, if the pace of such neutralizations keeps up, he will feel more secure about his faction emerging victorious in presidential and parliamentary elections, which he has not allowed to take place since 2005 and 2006, respectively. Abbas has now served nineteen years of his one four-year term.

Israeli estimates put the number of Hamas fighter deaths in the Gaza fighting at about 20,000, plus an estimated 14,000 prisoners. An unknown number of additional Hamas men have suffered debilitating injuries that will prevent them from casting any ballots if any election is held. The aides observed that the trend, if it continues at a reasonable rate, will reduce the margin necessary for Fatah to overcome and remain in power despite public opinion polls showing a decisive Hamas advantage among voters.

"We're not there yet," conceded Nabil Aburdeineh, a longtime Abbas confidant. "Surveys still indicate that too many Palestinians favor our rivals. But ongoing attrition of our rivals' supporters in the electorate, given enough time, we expect to work in our favor. All things being equal, the direction right now makes it plausible for the Raïs to issue a call perhaps by the end of 2025, for elections to take place by the middle of 2026. But it's still too early to make that determination."

The number of eligible voters remains a matter of considerable ambiguity. Technically, citizens of the "State of Palestine" include many who do not reside, or have ever resided, within the self-rule areas defined by the 1993 autonomy agreement with Israel: millions of "refugees" live in Jordan, Lebanon, Syria, and elsewhere, the majority of them not refugees by the standard legal definition, but descended of Arabs who fled or were expelled as fighting raged amid Israel's war to establish itself and survive. The number of those "refugees" may fall up to 40% short of "official" tallies, since the larger the figure, the greater political and diplomatic pressure can be brought to bear against Israel to "rectify" the situation associated with the Jewish State's creation.

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Jabalia, Gaza Strip, January 1 - A review by multiple allied factions in the anti-Zionist militant movement has found that the hundred-year-old endeavor's greatest achievement, bar none, involves sparking Zionist territorial expansion to an extent not possible without the anti-Zionist terrorist enterprise.

Representatives of Hamas, Palestinian Islamic Jihad, Hezbollah, Amal, The Palestine Liberation Organization, the Houthis, the Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps, and half a dozen other groups engaged in "the Resistance" concluded at a strategic confab this week that the Resistance's greatest achievement, more then any body count or political gains, more than ant seizure of power or international influence, more than any supposed attainment of Palestinian sovereignty, is the fomenting of Israeli operations to take and hold more areas than the Zionists might otherwise occupy.

"It's without a doubt the most notable outcome of this five-generation effort," stated IRGC delegate Abad Faqqap. "If you go back to the series of rejections of partition plans in the 1930's and 1940's, you see the beginnings of it, the outcome of the no-compromise approach of the 1920's. Each proposed partition, which the Arab leaders rejected and the Jews accepted, allotted greater and territory to the proposed Jewish state in British Mandate Palestine."

"Then," continued Faqqap, "a civil war began between Jews and Arabs in Palestine, as the Arabs rejected the last UN resolution that offered partition. Well, in the ensuing months, the Jews secured areas they never would have had otherwise, though they lost some, too. But then, when Israel declared statehood in May 1948, and surrounding Arab armies attacked, the outcome was a Jewish state in control of much more territory than it would have had under even the most 'generous' partition plans."

Hezbollah delegate Hauda Tayyebls Tourn nodded and continued the narrative. "In 1967 all the Arab countries started making noises again about wiping Israel off the map," he recalled. "Egypt blocked the Straits of Tiran, an act of war; Syria threatened to divert Israel's main water supply. They all mobilized and vowed another war of extermination."

"Then Israel hit first and took the Sinai and Gaza from Egypt," he added. "Then the West Bank from Jordan. Then the Golan Heights from Syria. So yeah, that's been the model. Egypt got back the Sinai when they made peace, which demonstrates the contrapositive of the phenomenon we're discussing." He noted that a similar reverse process occurred, to a lesser degree, with Israeli-Palestinian self-rule agreements of the 1990's.

"Which brings us to today," chimed in Hamas spokesman Fawzi Bals. "Our plan for the Al Aqsa Flood was for Hezbollah to attack from the north and we'd take over all of historic Palestine from the Jews. It hasn't quite worked out that way. Now Hezbollah is a shell of its former self, we're on the ropes in Gaza, our patron Iran is on the verge of collapse, Israel now holds land in Lebanon AND Syria..."

"It's amazing what we can achieve when we really try," he mused.

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New York, December 31 - The city's only Ivy League institution forbid the principal activity involved in the observance of the current Jewish festival, administration officials announced today, claiming that the practice of the candles glorifies occupation and the oppression of Palestinians.

Columbia deans and faculty leaders made the move in response to petitions by pro-Palestine students, whose protests and support from sympathetic professors have somehow not yet resulted in complete suppression of Jewish life on campus - a direct threat to the success of the Palestinian cause. Hanukkah continues until this coming Thursday, with the last candle-lighting of the holiday taking place after sundown Wednesday.

"We regret that we did not act sooner," stated Assistant Dean of Students Amin Husseini. "Reports started trickling in last Wednesday night of candles celebrating genocide, but we thought it was a one-time event. After the weekend, our inquiries revealed that this observance would last a full eight days, and we put our foot down. There will be no glorification of violence at Columbia except of violence directed at anyone who does not object with enough vehemence to the notion of Jewish self-determination and self-defense."

Administration officials suggested new courses for the coming semester or the 2025-26 academic year, detailing the ways in which each Jewish festival, practice, tradition, or teaching celebrates or encourages Apartheid or genocide of People of Color. Already, contacts have been established with senior figures in the Nation of Islam to teach courses on Jewish theology and Jewish history.

Activists argued that the Hanukkah-lighting ban and the planned new courses do not go far enough. "Until the university guarantees that no one fill face consequences for defending Palestinians by attacking suspected Zionists, it will not be enough," insisted Students for Justice in Palestine campus leader Samir Kuntar. "It's not enough that our group was 'officially' banned but that ban has never been enforced. We need to demonstrate that we unquestionably dominate and have humiliated the opposition, which is the only kind of resolution of the Palestine issue we will tolerate anywhere, not just in Palestine."

Reporters attempted to elicit comment from Jewish student organizations on campus, but were blocked by groups of Palestine activists who shouted and blasted music to drown out the questions and any answers that might have resulted. Columbia campus police stood ready to quell any disturbance that might occur if the Jewish students made any gestures indicating displeasure or lack of total submission.

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Jerusalem, December 30 - A local food snob expressed disdain again this year for anyone who "corrupts" their fried Hanukkah pancakes with ingredients that never featured in the original recipes ancient Jews prepared for the festival, determined to stick with the simple oil, potatoes, eggs, and seasonings that the Jews of second-century-BCE Judea must have used to celebrate the miracle of the oil.

Potatoes existed only in the Americas until the fifteenth century CE.

"Eat them the way Judah the Maccabee intended, with just potatoes," insisted Elishama Ben-Yair, 40. "Sour cream is fine, because there was cream available during the Second Temple Era, but apple sauce is a no-no, because apples didn't reach the Levant from further east in Asia until later."

Potatoes and other tubers reached the Old World only during the Age of Exploration, and even then, took several centuries to catch on as a staple of the cuisine. This "Columbian Exchange" transformed Italian, Eastern European, and Mediterranean cooking into their familiar modern forms, with the introduction of tomatoes, as well, playing an important role in the process. However, Ben-Yair wishes that people would at least maintain awareness that the Maccabees would never have added sweet potato to their latkes, nor fried them in canola oil, since neither of those products was available in ancient Israel.

"You can like that stuff without corrupting the festival," he argued. "Eat it some other day of the year. Don't pretend the Hasmoneans put granulated sugar and their latkes. Sugar as a standalone ingredient wouldn't be available for many centuries."

The latke originated in Eastern Europe over the last several centuries as potatoes did finally achieve staple status there; the word comes from a Slavic term for the dish, derived ultimately from a Greek word for oil - which, in turn, stems from the Greek for "olive." But such connections do not impress Ben-Yair.

"Etymology doesn't mean anything in this case," he retorted. "Words refer to things, but they aren't those things. Give me potatoes and olive oil, some eggs and salt, maybe some flour, and I can recreate what Judah and his brothers ate to celebrate Hanukkah. That's the authentic latke. Leave your jelly donuts for some other time. Powdered sugar wasn't a thing! Stop with the anachronisms."

"We face enough trouble with people calling Jesus 'Palestinian,'" he added. "Jesus wouldn't know what a Palestinian was. It's like calling Pocahontas a resident of the Confederacy. Same with the latkes. Don't project your ketchup onto them, either."

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Berkeley, December 29 - Jewish households continue in the coming evenings to kindle their octuple lamps with wax or oil in celebration of a rededication to purpose and holiness even amid rampant degradation and hopelessness - but one observer has determined that the ancient Jewish practice in fact marks something far more sinister: the addition of one light each night glorifies, by analogy, the growing number of Palestinian casualties in an ongoing genocide.

Hassan Phipps, 20, made his discovery through logical deduction. "Once you start with the axiom that anything Zionists do is evil, or motivated by evil," the Students for Justice in Palestine campus activist explained, "the truth emerges quickly. Start with the realization that what they do is nefarious and deceitful - so lighting the candles is never the innocent or pure thing they make it out to be - and then the possibilities are limited to the obvious conclusions."

"No one celebrated Hanukkah until the Zionists made it a thing, to establish a fake connection to Palestine," he elaborated, repeating a talking point popular among Palestine propagandists. "They also must have fabricated any ancient sources that talk about it. It's pretty straightforward. So what are they really celebrating? Palestinian deaths, as they always do. It's the only thing that animates them. Nothing else explains Zionist behavior."

Phipps found various details of Hanukkah observance that also bear out the perversity. "The whole dreidel thing - it's not a simple game of chance - it's about plundering Palestine," he asserted. "It was a peaceful place where everyone lived in harmony until the Zionists came and slaughtered everyone so they could take the olive oil. That's why so many Zionists insist on using olive oil, and not just plain candles, to light their menorahs."

"I don't know why people don't see it. It's staring them in the face."

The activist's circle of comrade in social justice have followed similar reasoning in analysis of other aspects of Jewish practice. "Jews stole victimhood from Palestine," stated Palestine Action activist Yusuf Massoud. "They invited the Holocaust to happen so they could have the moral high ground to then do the same thing to Palestinians, and they keep trying to pretend Jews are still in danger when we all know there wouldn't be any danger to Jews if the Jews would just let Muslims have what's rightfully Muslim, which is everything."

Massoud, Phipps, and their comrades refused to hear anything about the ancient sources that mention no such ideas, calling those sources "satanic and Talmudic."

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Miami, December 26 - Anna, sweetie, you're not going to believe what Santa left for me over Christmas - a brand-new, heavy-duty beeper from Gold Apollo!

I found it my stocking, honey. It's so much more robust-looking than my old model - heavier, yes, but the package say it's waterproof, impact-resistant, and has a much longer battery life. I can't wait for it to beep the first time!

This should come in handy for evading the prying noses of the Zionist snoops and their stateside dupes in the ADL, FBI, and who knows where else. Pagers only receive data, and can't betray my location. This model even says it can receive encrypted messages, so it's totally secure. Now my comrades and I can communicate securely and safely with one another, free of any concern that unsavory actors will intercept our communications.

I don't remember who suggested this low-tech solution to a high-tech security problem, but it was definitely one of my pro-Palestine allies. They have more experience than anyone in evading Zionist surveillance. I, if course, can't take my entire reporting and analysis operation underground, as Palestinians and their allies in the Middle East do, but I can adopt some of their other ingenious methods. This one's genius lies in its simplicity.

There are even ads online for this product, and from what I'm told from outside, non-Palestinian or not-specifically-pro-Palestinian sources, it ain't cheap, either. So expensive that they themselves were put off from buying it - that means Santa really, really loves me! Honey, this is one of the sweetest Christmas gifts I've ever received.

Yes, better than that wooden horse. Come on. But yes, it was a beautiful horse. Rattled a bit when you moved it, but the woodwork was exquisite.

You know who would love one of these beepers? Minister Farrakhan. I disagree with him on a lot, but he and his staff could definitely use these to facilitate communication and coordination of anti-Zionist activities, with us, with whomever, away from the prying eyes and ears of the Mossad.

It pains me to mention that faggot, but Nick Fuentes could do better work with one of these, too. Jake Shields. Candace Owens. Anastasia Whatsername Lupis. Half of academia.

Hmm. Getting the devices to all the people who could benefit from them could get expensive. Might have to ask Mehdi Hassan to intercede with the Emir of Qatar, maybe get funding for this.

I have a feeling this is going to get so big. It's going to blow up.

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Dubai, December 24 - An emerging coalition of Levantine and Persian Gulf Arab countries plan to invite the native populations of Britain, Scandinavia, Iberia, France, Germany, Italy, and several other places overrun by masses of intolerant third-world migrants to resettle in the Western Mediterranean and Persian Gulf, diplomatic sources disclosed today, as the indigenous populations of the invaded countries fear the collapse of their societies and will soon seek more tolerant locales in which to live unmolested.

The United Arab Emirates, Bahrain, Oman, and to a lesser extent Saudi Arabia and Israel - with potential buy-in from Lebanon and Syria, as well, if the situations in those places stabilize soon - are preparing to welcome non-Muslim refugees from Europe, whom they expect to flee en masse if the current effective takeover of Western Europe by swarms of immigrants continues, according to documents leaked to reporters, from a low-profile meeting among delegates from Israel, several Gulf States, and an observer on behalf of Syria and Lebanon.

"It turns out Europeans want to maintain stability, prosperity, and openness," an attendee at one of the sessions observed. "If current trends continue, many countries in Europe will no longer value those principles - though they might invoke them but mean something else. Those Europeans will need somewhere better to go, somewhere that does not accept Islamist violence in its borders, and where all who can contribute to the economy are welcome."

"Well, the UAE comes to mind right away, when you describe it in those terms," the attendee continued. "Other players in the region see the same thing, and are already positioning themselves to benefit from an outflux of Europeans that they, in turn, can turn into a profitable influx. Israel isn't really in a position to do it on a large scale as it once did for Jews fleeing Muslim persecution, but it certainly has experience it can share with the other destination countries."

Powers such as Qatar are expected to attempt disruption of the effort. "We fully expect some opposition from certain quarters," acknowledged another delegate. "Some regimes in our region have built a decades-long approach predicated on discontent in the West - but if the discontented people bring their Western intellects and work ethic to this region, that would undermine the entire destabilization operation. So of course Doha, Tehran, Ankara, Moscow, and Beijing will try to stop this idea from gaining traction."

Some thinkers are even giving consideration to the logistics of having the newcomers bring back to the region most of the collection in the British Museum.

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Jerusalem, December 24 - Increasingly-desperate political opponents of Israel's incumbent prime minister have begun entertaining rhetoric unthinkable a few months ago, aides say, as they prepare to echo claims by antisemitic atrocity-deniers that the Palestinian butchery that sparked the current conflict between Israel and Iran's terrorist hirelings occurred because the premier wanted an excuse to go to war against Tehran.

As they witness the most improbable potential comeback in the country's history - an embittered electorate betrayed by the complacency of its military, intelligence, and political leadership, gradually appreciating the massive strategic improvement in Israel's situation in the region and globally as a result of resolute prosecution of the ensuing war under Binyamin Netanyahu's stewardship, as reflected in public opinion polls - the prime minister's chief rivals for leadership of the country, Yair Lapid of the Yesh Atid Party, and Benny Gantz of the Israel Resilience Party, have found their efforts to ride discontent with Netanyahu to the premiership foiled, even as the latter remains embattled in criminal proceedings in court for alleged corruption, and faces a firehose of negative press from a mostly-unfriendly media both domestically and internationally.

The result, the aides acknowledged, involves Lapid and Gantz, and to a lesser extent, malcontents from smaller parties outside the center-right coalition, adopting talking points from anti-Israel propagandists who insisted in the wake of the October 7, 2023 massacres that at the very least, Netanyahu and his cronies had failed to prevent the debacle, as a means to foment war with Iran and Iran's proxies in the region, and perhaps, though they have yet to decide to take it this far publicly, to accuse Netanyahu himself of engineering the massacres for warmongering purposes.

Public support for Netanyahu plummeted in the wake of October 7. However, IDF and Israeli intelligence prosecution of the war against Hamas, then against Hezbollah, then against the Houthis in Yemen, all of whom had joined the conflict - not to mention strikes against Iran itself - have stemmed the tide of Netanyahu-must-go sentiment among the public, even as his opponents staged rallies against him under the veneer of campaigning for a deal to release at least some of the October 7 hostages in Gaza. Israel's strategic position, fourteen months after the bloodiest day for Jews since the Holocaust, has never been stronger, analysts believe, and if enough voters see that as sufficient to make up for Black Sabbath, as it became known, he might secure yet another term in elections that we could swear were imminent a year ago, but apparently will not take place sooner than 2026 if Bibi's government doesn't fall, which it looks like it won't?

I mean, WTAF? This is not normal.

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Gaza City, December 23 - Human Rights Groups reacted this week to reports that confirmed Israeli assertions that the groups had far overstated the number of noncombatants killed in IDF operations in this coastal territory since October 2023, by promising to find alternative sources for their blood libel statistics.

Representatives of Human Rights Watch, Amnesty International, Médecins Sans Frontières, the International Committee for the Red Cross, and several other organizations issued statements yesterday and today resolving to pull future Palestinian civilian casualty figures out of a different orifice than the anus, following analysis that found the source for their figures - the Hamas-run Gaza Ministry of Health - provided bogus numbers with the primary agenda of smearing Israel for killing women and children, rather than striving to document events with any accuracy.

"We might have to pull the numbers out of someone else's rectum," acknowledged a chagrined Agnes Callamard of Amnesty International. "Reliance on the Gaza Ministry of Health with undue credulity has led us astray. We had assumed that because they hate Jew as we do, that they would aim for the same kind of dispassionate accounting that we pursue. Alas, we will have to find someone else to lie to us about Jewish bloodthirstiness, and then parrot those claims uncritically."

Former Human Rights Watch director Ken Roth attempted to downplay the significance of the shift. "This industry is not about to adopt credible, verifiable methods," he assured. "That would undermine our funding from despotic regimes eager to shift our organizations' focus away from their repressive policies. All this means is that we have to change things up a bit. We need to pull numbers out of a Russian butt instead of a Palestinian one; out of a Canadian derriere instead of a South African one. I might even humbly suggest pulling the numbers out of an ear, a mouth, a nostril, or urethra, just for variety's sake. The upshot of Israel evil and Palestinian purity need not be altered at all."

The same report, by the Henry Jackson Society, found that media reports almost never noted the specious source of the Gaza casualty statistics, and never attempted to clarify how many of the claimed dead were fighters; they did, however, always couch Israeli statements in the phrase, "Israel says" or "Israeli military officials claim," if giving mention to any Israeli perspective at all.

Activists in Queers for Palestine and affiliated groups in the US and Canada volunteered their anuses from which to have the statistics pulled.

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Washington, December 22 - Senior Biden administration officials expressed their concerns today that as part of an anticipated revamping of government institutions that the president-elect and his associates have promised, the federal agencies that oversee US military operations might be repurposed for missions and policies aimed at undermining or curtailing opponents of the US and aiding her allies.

Outgoing Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has cautioned media and government figures ever since Election Day that Donald Trump will weaponize the US Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard, Space Force, and other forces under Department aegis against America's enemies, in a sharp break with policy under outgoing President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris, the latter of whom Trump defeated in the election.

"That's not what government institutions are for," insisted Austin. "Government institutions, as Presidents Obama and Biden have repeatedly modeled for us, serve the primary purpose of containing, weakening, and ultimately eliminating domestic political opposition. That can be through the Department of Justice, obviously, but the Internal Revenue Service of the Department of the Treasury also has an important role to play in targeting both individuals and organizations hostile to the Obama-Biden vision for America."

"It's dangerous to weaponize this department in particular against our rivals and foes," he continued. "I dread the thought of sanctions enforcement actually taking place against Iran's nuclear and ballistic missile programs, for example, or their facing American-led consequences for their decades-long destabilization of Iraq, Yemen, Syria, Iran, and the Palestinian Territories. Perish the thought of US military action to block the export of Iranian oil to China, or Iranian drones to Russia!"

Other defense officials fear that Trump might remove any restrictions Biden had placed on Israel or Ukraine in confronting enemies of the US. "If, as threatened, Trump insists on full supply of Israel to achieve victory, or Ukraine to strike anywhere in Russia," acknowledged one senior Pentagon official, "then our enemies might be effectively deterred. Our defense contractors would never stand for such a thing. Also, the grievance narratives that drive both Right and Left politics will have to find new conflicts to carry the valence necessary for grifting and generating clout. We can't have that."

Administrators at the Department of Defense and in the various Commands of the military have already ordered plans drawn up to defend against an anticipated "weaponization" of the Department that they expect will take the form of eliminating DEI programs.

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Jerusalem, December 19 - Awkwardness ensued this morning when a local father of four struggled, ultimately without success, to stow on his person the entire contents of a basket of baked goods that guests had not finished during the festive meal marking a life-cycle event in the neighborhood, family sources reported today.

Yaakov Shoshani, 39, spent nearly ten minutes trying to stuff his pockets with leftover bagels from the David family celebration of baby Yishai's circumcision today, according to other Shoshani attendees, only managing to jam eleven bagels into his various pockets, despite repeated attempts at rearrangement. A disappointed Shoshani cast a mournful look at the five remaining bagels still unpilfered before sighing, turning away, and turning back again to stare at them, as if by doing so he he might conjure more space in which to carry them back home.

"Dad, please, stop," begged fourteen-year-old Maya, burying her face in her hands and wishing she could disappear. "You don't need to do this. You do this every time. Every. Single. Time."

"These are perfectly good bagels," insisted her father. "Besides, anything we can take with us is that much less for the Davids not to have to shlep home. It's a kindness to them, and good for us, because we all like bagels and this is basically free. You don't have a plastic bag on you, do you?"

Yaakov's wife Esti had orchestrated a tactical egress to the bathroom from this portion of the event, knowing that any attempt to dissuade her husband from the impending scavenging effort would both fail and generate acrimony between them. The move left their children Maya, 14, Shir, 12, Dvir, 9, and Yosef, 7, to bear the full embarrassment of their father's squirreling habit at catered events.

"It would be bad enough for him to fit everything," admitted Shir. "But it's ten times worse when he has to struggle like this, and then fail, with all those pockets bulging. I'm ashamed to be his kid. I love my father, but this is the most unbearable thing." Her younger brothers crawled under the table.

Shoshani himself conceded that Israeli bagels fall far short of the New York standard to which he became accustomed on several trips there, but that this was better than having to pay for the pale imitations that at least toast up to a reasonable approximation of "real" bagels.

"Anybody feel like carrying a bottle of Sprite? Its unopened," he asked his mortified family.

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Knoxville, December 18 - An online activist who focuses on criticizing followers of "the Talmud" for technical adherence to the Law while not adhering to what he considers its "true intent" and "getting away with" workarounds that reduce expense or inconvenience planned again this year to mark the births of both Jesus and his own son - on dates occurring within a week of each other - with a single present, because "it's easier that way," among other rationalizations, family sources reported today.

Nathaniel Corrie, 40, devote at least twenty minutes per day on social media lambasting Jews, notably orthodox Jews, for the various ways they and their Rabbis have found to, as he deems it, skirt the parameters of various commandments, since he insists on a broader, often literal and results-oriented understanding of the sourced for those commandments than the process-oriented way in which Jewish tradition has interpreted them, and he rails against the way in which Jewish observance violates the "spirit" of Biblical law. Corrie also gives his son one gift to cover both Christmas and the boy's December 26th birthday.

"Those Jews think they can fool God!" he insisted on X yesterday morning. "God said not to do 'work' on the Sabbath, and they then come up with definitions of 'work' that go against all logic. I know work when I see it, not like those 'Rabbis' who think it means 'thirty-nine categories of forbidden creative activity.' What nonsense. It almost makes me mad enough to forget to wrap the present for Mark's birthday and Christmas. It's gotta be a bigger gift than a normal birthday or Christmas gift on their own, but not so big or expensive that it would cost as much as two separate gifts. There's a sweet spot where practicality meets proper symbolism."

Corrie sounded similar rants against the Jewish practice of Eruv Hatzeirot, which creates a notional "private" domain within a public area as large as entire cities by means of food and symbolic boundaries with a specific representational structure, thus permitting the transfer of objects within that now-"private" domain on the Sabbath, when moving things between domains falls afoul of Biblical restrictions. He also plans to give his son the birthday/Christmas present toward the end of Christmas so it kind of covers both days by proximity.

While wrapping Mark's gift with reused paper from last year, Corrie launched into a contradictory tirade about the Jewish tendency to make too many things forbidden, such as interpreting a thrice-mentioned prohibition against cooking livestock young in its mother's milk as a blanket ban on cooking meat with dairy or benefiting from any such preparation.

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Jabaliya, Gaza Strip, December 17 - This is perfect. The Occupation has made the crucial error we aimed all along to cause them to commit: taking over everywhere we once held, and removing us entirely from any military role in this, or any, part of Palestine - plus parts of Lebanon and Syria, which we didn't even hold before the war!

The trap has been sprung - and now the Zionists have total control of all the places in the Gaza Strip where the Resistance maintained all of its strongholds, arms depots, command headquarters, training facilities, communications hubs, and logistical centers. We have those fools exactly where we want them!

It has been an epic journey to get to this point. Some think it began last October 7, with the Al Aqsa Flood operation, but in fact it began almost twenty years ago. We and our allies in the region developed an intricate, detailed, and far-reaching plan to provoke a war that would result in the Jews destroying everything we built, undermining our sponsor Iran's credibility, neutralizing Iran's principal proxy in the whole region - Hezbollah - and extending Zionist occupation back into one of the few places from which they had previously withdrawn. It has all proceeded according to plan!

If only Brother Sinwar were around to see this glorious moment. And Brother Haniyeh. And Brother Nasrallah. And Brother Shukr. And Brother Raisi. And Brother Deff. And many others. They gave their lives to make possible the complete Israeli takeover of this part of Palestine, and we must always value that sacrifice.

But not only Palestine! The Zionists have secured agreement to keep their soldiers in Gaza, yes, but also in parts of Lebanon, and have taken parts of Syria with no opposition, and continue to conduct strikes in all three places with impunity. Think of the strategic machinations the Axis of Resistance had to orchestrate to see this moment come to fruition. The billions invested, the gargantuan logistical and management resources necessary to bring it all about... all intelligent people must gape in awe at the achievement of the Resistance: in the space of a few short weeks, the Zionists must now manage parts of Lebanon and Syria that once served as threats to Zionist settlers in Palestine.

The world will simply have to wait and see what other tricks the Resistance has up its sleeves, and what else it will deceive the Occupation into doing.

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Idlib, December 16 - The vast swaths of territory under the control of Ankara-backed militias, or under direct occupation by Erdogan's military, in fact have no such backing or personnel, insiders reported today, because in reality the Jewish State has taken all that land in keeping with an expansive vision for its destined size, while the global media under Zionist control has reported the occupation as the doing of Erdogan's forces so that the world will ignore it because it's not the Zionists.

The insiders struggled to clarify how Israel benefits from the international community ignoring such a territorial conquest when Israel's small-scale takeover of a buffer zone adjacent to its area in the Golan Heights sparked global opprobrium and cries of "expansionism," such that Israel did not, in fact, escape such accusations.

The insiders further failed to explain how Israel, which they insist controls the international media, needed to report anything at all, instead of simply remaining silent on the subject as Israel did as it pleased.

The "Turkish" takeover, which began more than ten years ago, has involved ethnic cleansing of Kurds and other non-Arab minorities in the affected areas; Israel's announced moves in southern Syria have involved no population movements of any kind, nor any civilian casualties. Human rights groups denounced the Israeli operations in the Golan as violations of a 1974 agreement with a Syria under Assad family rule, a political entity that no longer exists.

They further denounced Israel for striking military assets of the defunct Assad regime to prevent those assets from coming under the control of any of the various Islamist terrorist groups among the rebels who deposed Assad just over a week ago, groups with a sworn goal of destroying Israel.

Experts differ over the specific benefits that Israel might seek by taking over swaths of distant northern Syria, either directly or by proxy, other than the axiomatic notion among such experts that Israel seeks expansion and conquest for the sake of expansion and conquest, territorial contiguity and logistical considerations be damned. The suspicious complicity from Turkey and its armed forces, who have taken pride in the operations in Syria as crucial to protect Turkey and "regional stability," also remains unexplained, all the more so in light of Turkey's hard line against Israel's operations against Palestinian terrorist groups, part of a more general Islamist antipathy for the Jewish State, which includes plying host to several prominent leaders of Hamas.

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Tel Aviv, December 15 - Court proceedings regarding corruption allegations against Israel's prime minister have suffered repeated interruption, witnesses say, because the presiding justice has persistently stopped those proceedings to catch up on the latest video clips of Israeli airstrikes against military stockpiles and assets of the former Assad regime, lest they call into the hands of various jihadi rebel groups who also see Israel as an enemy.

Israeli premier Binyamin Netanyahu's trial for improper receipt of gifts, known in local shorthand as "Case 4000," began over the last week. Trouble began early, even as prosecutors began their opening statements, when, after about three minutes of the State Attorney starting to lay out the conceptual basis for the case against the prime minister, Judge Agatha Sidis of Tel Aviv-Yafo District Court ordered her to pause, as the time had come for an update on Israel's operations to destroy the remnants of Syrian naval, land, and air assets, as well as munitions, chemical weapons, and various other military facilities - with hundreds of airstrikes occurring just over the first night of the operation. Judge Sidis then spent fifteen minutes in her chambers before returning to the courtroom.

The phenomenon repeated itself six minutes later, just when the prosecutor felt she was hitting her stride. This time the recess lasted only twelve minutes, but the rhetorical momentum of the prosecution's opening statement had evaporated.

Netanyahu's attorney Amit Hadad fared little better. He got about thirty seconds into it before the judge again interrupted, this time inviting both attorneys into her chambers to view clips of the strikes together. The trio, plus two clerks and a bailiff, spent nearly half an hour reviewing footage of secondary explosions and of absolutely smashed naval vessels and Russia-supplied fighter jets, as well as images of tanks on fire and anti-aircraft batteries as charred wrecks.

Hadad restarted his spiel upon the reconvening of the session, only to face another interruption eight minutes later. This time, Judge Sidis ordered screens and speakers set up in the courtroom itself, and she then proceeded to show many of the videos she had already viewed in her chambers, while offering commentary and frequently pausing the playback to point out important details her audience might otherwise have missed.

She then ordered the bailiffs and clerks to make sure the audio and video equipment is already set up in advance of tomorrow's proceedings, so that no interruption of proceedings is necessary to get right to the important things.

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Majdal Shams, December 12 - A printing error in public and military communications has resulted in an influx of attractive, toned bodies into an area that Israel secured this week to protect its northern communities from impending chaos in Syria, as the announcement of a Golan Heights operation heralded the creation of a "buffer zone" but omitted the final two letters of the first word, military sources reported today.

Muscular, athletic soldiers in unusually-high numbers milled about the eastern Golan Heights yesterday and today, the result of Israel creating a buff zone in a strip of the territory left unoccupied on the Syrian frontier as part of a 1974 armistice agreement. United Nations troops had observed adherence to the ceasefire ever since, but IDF soldiers were ordered to step in to defend those international peacekeepers on Saturday and Sunday in the face of attacks by insurgents in Syria's south as the Assad regime crumbled. The Minister of Defense announced the intention to create the zone, but commanders misunderstood the orders because "buffer" came out as "buff" and as many as 10,000 ultra-fit soldiers have since arrived.

"I'm not sure why no one has done anything about the misunderstanding," remarked a captain between pushups. "Though I suspect some of the people who could otherwise remedy it are quite taken by the gathering in one place of so many attractively-built people."

About 95% of the buff soldiers in the zone are men, but the female specimens attracted more attention, both from their fellow soldiers and from media personnel permitted into certain parts of the buff zone. In one incident, military police enforcing the zone prevented a team of journalists from entering. Then the cameraman exhibited his upper body, toned by years of hauling the equipment of his trade, and the MPs allowed him, but not the rest of the crew, to enter.

Sentries now man posts at the entry points to the zones. In addition to checking for operational and unit identification for those seeking to enter, as in any closed military zone, the guards perform a physical inspection that begins with a once-over, and proceeds to an order to slowly turn around, whereupon the sentries eye the buttocks, thighs, and calves of the aspiring entrant. If that element of the inspection passes muster, the candidates for entry must submit to a flexed-biceps feel, and, in cases where the sentries remain in doubt, might be required to offer a visual of their entire shirtless torsos.

An incident has also occurred in which a non-athletic soldier was, in the end, permitted entry into the zone carrying shoe-polishing implements and materials.

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Sacramento, December 11 - The Golden State continued today to withhold its official verdict on the outcome of events in Syria, despite the elapse of nearly four days since the vast majority of other states finished their tallies and declared winners and losers.

California officials reiterated this morning that the painstaking process of ascertaining whether Syrian incumbent Basher Assad will remain in office has yet to conclude, even as nearly every other reporting area determined by this past Sunday morning that Assad had been removed.

"We ask the public's patience," a representative of Governor Gavin Newsom's office posted on X. "The State of California takes a deliberate approach, and will not rest until the desired outcome is achieved."

Analysts differed on the solidly-Democratic state leadership's preferred outcome: some surmise that the party's dominant progressive wing, which carries even more influence in California than elsewhere in the Union, sees Assad as a proven ally in confronting the "Zionist entity," under Shiite Iran's aegis; others see California Democrats as eschewing support for Assad per se when the apparent alternative, a group of violent Sunni Islamists, sits closer to the sympathies of the party's core values.

Other jurisdictions concluded already in the wee hours of Saturday night and Sunday that Assad had lost his bid to remain in power. Accounts of a plane carrying him, possibly to Moscow, circulated, including information that the plane went down over a rebel-held area. No confirmation or Assad's welfare or whereabouts were available most of Sunday, but reports later emerged that he had fled to Russia.

California, however, has long maintained a reputation for slower electoral record-keeping. Its count of presidential and Congressional ballots cast on November 5 - or mailed in earlier - took weeks, when no other US state had much trouble producing a final count within hours of polls closing.

Both the US ballot-counting and the Assad-downfall acknowledgement have prompted or reinforced suspicions, especially among partisan critics, that the Democrat-controlled apparatus in the state aims not to produce an honest reckoning but one favorable to the Democratic Party establishment, through selective disqualification of votes for Republican candidates in a process that could not achieve such results were they to tally ballots at a normal pace. In terms of Assad, pro-Iran and pro-Assad - or just anti-Israel - hope to secure an outcome that will keep Assad in power in Damascus, given his regime's reliable service as a conduit for Iranian arms and money transfers to Hezbollah in Lebanon.

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Tel Aviv, December 10 - The head of a group of niche costume paraphernalia merchants clapped back today at criticism of his trade association, calling the critics disingenuous and tendentious, and insisting that no viable alternatives exist to the group he leads, the Union of National Rubber Wig Accessories, or UNRWA.

Phil Loseroni, UNRWA director, sent out a series of social media posts this morning in response to persistent accusations that his organization has not only failed to properly serve the members it purports to support, but actively damages them and others.

"The disinformation about UNRWA has crossed all boundaries," Loserini began. "The bad-faith accusations aim not to help the purveyors of our products, but to undermine them. UNRWA is irreplaceable."

"No one else is positioned or equipped to represent the interests of wig-accessory sellers in this country as we are," he continued. "The notion that unspecified 'other groups' could handle the volume, demand, and responsibilities that UNRWA handles regularly is absurd, not to mention dishonest."

"Those who traffic in this sinister disinformation must face consequences," he demanded. "This amounts hate speech, nothing less. It must be roundly condemned, and retracted."

The previous head of UNRWA, Peter Bulbul, agreed. "This did not emerge from a vacuum," he noted. "Hostile elements who wish to see the demise of a vulnerable group have been trying to damage UNRWA for a long time. While the current level of criticism is certainly higher than before, it has been growing for many years, as opponents of UNRWA's constituency grew more and more frustrated they could not take over the industry. During my time we faced more than our share of bad-faith accusations, some of them quite vile."

After his term as head of UNRWA ended, Bulbul took a position as Executive Director of the Institute for Costume-Related Creativity, ICRC, which offers services to a broader demographic than UNRWA but shares many of the same animating values, and has sat in the crosshairs of many of the same critics - especially since last year, when a large number of UNRWA members participated in violations of neighboring businesses, and ICRC personnel at all levels failed to confront them despite ample opportunity in ongoing interfaces and interactions, and repeated declarations of high-minded industry ideals.

Bulbul also stated that credible international organizations had found grounds to conclude that (((powerful elements within the costume industry))) were guilty of Hair Crimes and Crimes Against Costumanity.

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Jerusalem, December 9 - A veteran member of a downtown Jerusalem synagogue makes sure to attend the morning prayers and Torah reading every Sabbath, seldom arriving earlier than two hours after the official start time - representing the sole ritual observance that the man performs with any regularity, community sources reported today.

Alex Barsky, 60, walked into shul this past Saturday at approximately ten a.m., when the congregation was transitioning from the formal Torah reading to the Haftarah, a selection from the Prophets that picks up on themes from the Torah portion. In doing so, Mr. Barsky, a business consultant by trade, entered slightly earlier than usual by at least several minutes - a mere hour and fifty minutes after the Morning Service commencement time of 8:15, when his typical entrance occurs closer to a quarter past ten.

The late entrance seldom stops Barsky from finishing the entire Sabbath morning liturgy in time to attend the post-service Kiddush, which usually kicks off between a quarter to eleven and eleven, though occasionally later. The consistency of his performance stands in notable contrast to every other religious aspect of his routine, which otherwise features no noticeable commitment to everyday practices typical of the orthodox Jewish lifestyle.

For example, while Barsky's alarm sounds every morning early enough for him to have enough time to attend daily Shaharit services and still get to work on time, in practice he turns off the alarm and dozes off for close to an hour, often longer, resulting in a rushed egress to work, only occasionally leaving enough time to don t'fillin and mumble some token passages.

Similarly, the father of four and grandfather of two sometimes answers the door for people seeking donations, but more frequently pretends not to be home; when his parents were alive, he remembered to call them at least once a week, but only if his wife sent him a reminder, which she could not always do; and, before Mrs. Barsky went through menopause, his adherence to various "distancing" protocols as mandated during and right after her menses - such as refraining from handing objects directly to her, or sitting on the same couch close to her - proved unpredictable, among numerous other inconsistent religious behaviors.

Observers noted that the uncharacteristic consistency of Barsky's lateness to Saturday services has yet to result in his arriving so late as to miss the post-service refreshments or the inevitable socializing that precedes and follows it.

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New York, December 8 - We anti-Zionists long ago grew tired of facing the baseless accusation the anti-Jewish sentiment animates our movement. Nothing could be further from the truth! We have nothing against Jews - only against the notion that Jews may establish a nation-state where anyone else might once have lived. We also oppose non-Jews who support that notion, who actually constitute the vast majority of those with that view! It isn't about Jews - so of course when we take action against the proponents of that racist notion, we focus on the Jewish proponents.

Get it out of your head that our opposition to Zionism stems from animus toward Jews. Where would you get such a ridiculous idea? Everyone honest acknowledges that anti-Zionism is not antisemitism, even if Zionists try to discredit anti-Zionists by pointing out how many anti-Zionists also happen to be antisemites. As if that matters. It matters about as much as our choosing to attack only Zionists who happen to be Jewish. Ridiculous, as I said.

A central pillar of the anti-Zionist approach that dismisses Jewish nationhood - it's just a religion - also involves pointing out that ninety-nine percent of the world's Zionists are not even Jewish. It's always been overwhelmingly supported by Christians. Almost by definition, that makes it not a Jewish movement. The number of Jews in favor of Zionism - I don't even need to mention all the Jews who oppose Zionism, but I love to mention it, and do so at every opportunity because it gives my position cover - is negligible in the sea of non-Jewish Zionists. It's effectively not about Jews at all! Obviously, to underline this point, our movement only confronts and attacks the vanishingly small minority of Zionists who are Jews.

This approach offers the added benefit if demonstrating to the world, and to Jews, that they do not need a state of their own at all to feel secure. I can think of no better way of showing Jews that they need not worry about placing their trust and well-being in the hands of their host cultures than by attacking them in those host cultures while other people mostly just look on or shrug.

Listen, we have no problem confronting non-Jewish Zionists. We might call them slurs normally reserved for Jews, but so what? If you can provide a list of non-Jewish synagogues we can picket or vandalize, we'll get right to it.

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