My VACI

I always forget how busy this time of year is for me down here in Mexico. I'm running around like a crazy woman with the other "Elves" trying to make a lot of last minute jingle to buy toys for our kids down here. The toy drive was the first life line thrown to me when I was trying to get to shore while drowining in an ocean of booze.  It became my VACI, or Vital Absorbing Creative Interest as SMART Recovery calls it. I call it the first thing I fell in love with more than booze.  I wish I could say it happened on first sight and that the moment I was put in charge of providing a little Christmas joy to 800+ kids, I threw away the bottle, but it never happens that way. I stumbled through the first couple of years and a couple of drunk fiasco fundraisers before I finally chose the kids over the bottle. This Christmas will be my fifth sober Christmas.

An extra two hundred, or so, special needs kids landed in our laps a week ago and I've been scrambling to find funds for their toys. Luckily I had three secret Santas step forward immediately to cover the cost of their toys. It's funny down here. If someone stood up and said, "I hate kids" they'd get understanding nods even though most people don't hate kids. However, if I stood up and said, "I hate dogs!" I'd be stoned at the village square at midnight, then burned as a witch. Dogs win out over kids every time.

We spent yesterday down in the hot bowels of Centro Merida bargaining for toys in sweltering upstairs toy departments.  If you ever want proof that cold molecules are heavier than warm molecules, come to Merida and go upstairs in one of the cramped, clear a shelf every time you turn around with your wrecking ball of a purse, shop.  Then stay up there, slipping around on your own sweat, for three or four hours while the owner and his "elves" run around to the other fifty shops he owns trying to find five hundred identical toys because we've learned over the years that having a variety of toys can incite a riot among blood thirsty parents. Believe me, all the air conditioning stays downstairs.

Why do I continue to do it?  Our little village is definitely more prosperous than when I started coming here seven years ago and most parents can now buy toys for their kids because of the jobs that the growing expat community has brought. (BTW, before we get in a conversation that I've had way too often with the Grinches down here, Santa Claus had come to Mexico way before I got here, and our kids had to wonder why he was leaving them off his list.) But there are still a handful of kids that are very poor and it is that handful that I try to remember when I am so doggone sick of doing this.  I think of a little boy or girl that has waited and dreamed all year long for the night that they get a toy, just like every other kid in the village.

Oh yeah, it also keeps me sober.

So this started out as a whiny post about why I'm too friggin' drained to post lately, because we all know how strenuous lifting fingers up and down on a keyboard can be, but as usual, once I start complaining, I build momentum, like a fart with a ferocious tail-wind..

Abs Chat Tonight!

Abs Chat is focused on abstaining from alcohol—on a permanent basis,
long-term, or even for a shorter period of time (like a 30!).
Everyone is welcome to attend, and to participate, but we won't be
discussing moderation techniques or plans. For discussions of
moderate drinking, we invite you to participate in the Monday Night
Book Chat or the Tuesday Night Online Meeting.
So if you're abstaining, planning to, curious about it, wondering
whether it would be a good idea, or just want to hang out for sober
fun, stop by!
See you there! http://www.moderation. org/chat/

** PLEASE NOTE: Abs Chat will be held in the Abs Chatroom. When
logging in, use the drop-down box to select MM_Abs_Chat. If you wind
up in the wrong room, you can move between rooms by clicking on the
room list to the right of the chatroom screen. **

Abs Chat Tonight: Stop By And Say "Howdy!"

Abs Chat Tonight! 

Abs Chat is focused on abstaining from alcohol—on a permanent basis,
long-term, or even for a shorter period of time (like a 30!).
Everyone is welcome to attend, and to participate, but we won't be
discussing moderation techniques or plans. For discussions of
moderate drinking, we invite you to participate in the Monday Night
Book Chat or the Tuesday Night Online Meeting.
So if you're abstaining, planning to, curious about it, wondering
whether it would be a good idea, or just want to hang out for sober
fun, stop by!
See you there! http://www.moderation. org/chat/

** PLEASE NOTE: Abs Chat will be held in the Abs Chatroom. When
logging in, use the drop-down box to select MM_Abs_Chat. If you wind
up in the wrong room, you can move between rooms by clicking on the
room list to the right of the chatroom screen. **

Couldn't Help Myself!

I've been trying to ease the "f" word out of vocabulary. Just like drinking until I fell down started seeming more pathetic than cute when I hit 45, cussing like a sailor seems like another desperate ploy to hang on to my youth. Time to realize that the ship has sailed and it ain't coming back no matter how many F-bombs I toss out.  It just ain't who I'm aiming to fucking be these days. (I did say I was easing it out-slowly.)

But I'm giving myself a break from sanctity today, I need to staunch the blood flow from my nose that these lofty heights have brought about, and I couldn't help stealing this post from my friend, Jim, over at As Jim Sees It. He didn't post it on his blog, he posted it on facebook.  He is one of the most fucking funny guys I have ever heard and I read his posts daily just to laugh.

Here's a dose of Jim to prove my point and the good thing about this dose of Jim is that you won't have to follow it up with a round of antibiotics.  ;)

Jim, if you sue me for copyright infringement, you're going to be sorely disappointed in the rewards, the cap'n had been washing paper plates for years.

"Dating is hard. Relationships are hard. Marriage is hard. Marriage is so hard Nelson Mandela got a divorce.
Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in a South African prison getting tortured and beaten every day of his life for 27 years. He got out of jail, spent 6 months with his wife and said: "I can't take this shit!!!"

"Instead of a condom, I keep a moist towlette in my wallet, because I run into buffalo wings a lot more often than sex."

Funky

Skunk Ape:   a tall, hairy, upright-walking creature that smells like a black-striped funky-smelling creature and it appears to be coming out a little more often.  

I have been in a funk lately. There seem to be so many things I don't like about me and my life right now. Don't worry, I'm not going to list them.  Oh, how I miss the days when just waking up without a hangover seemed like a brand new resurrection every morning.

I think I need a day of indulgence. A day spent reading a book or binge watching Grey's Anatomy and eating potato chips and dip without guilt.  Anybody have any ideas on how to do that? I find myself telling myself all day long, "No, you can't do that, you need to do this." Being told "No" all the time is making me cranky and my inner six year old is throwing a tantrum and refusing to do what she's supposed to be doing anyway. So I'm stuck between not doing what I want and not doing what I need to do, which means I'm not doing anything.

This, too, shall pass.

I just need to move in one direction or another.

Wow! Such words of wisdom today. Hey, sobriety is not always profound. Sometimes it's funky.


I do have one ray of sunshine to pass on. A friend of mine over at Moderation Management has just started a blog, ModeratelySober.  If you're going for moderation instead of permanent abstinence from alcohol, check it out. The author has been successful moderating for a year now, so it can be done.

For some.

Not all.

How do you know if you're one of the Some?

I think the best way to tell is to try moderation under the guidelines and with the support of a group like MM.  This is not without risk. Just like those who choose permanent abstinence from alcohol, MM'ers are not immediately successful and tend to experience the same old waffling and shuffling and falling flat on their faces and rising up again that we all do in this sobriety game. That can be dangerous for those who are physically addicted to booze, like I was.

But, as stated above, the back and forth, and careening into trees happens when people head directly toward permanent abstinence without passing through Moderationville, too. I view my year attempting moderation as that same erratic time in early sobriety that is testified to by many bloggers who are pursuing abstinence.  A time of questioning of whether I really needed to stop.  I guess, for me, it seemed that if I had a guidebook in hand and a bunch of people telling me which way to go instead of just wondering around in the forest on my own, and I still couldn't find my way out of that f'ing forest, I needed to quit going in there before something large and hairy ate me.

The more insidious danger, of  attempting moderation for those that will not succeed, The Not All Gang, is getting trapped in that forest and thinking that because they've managed to survive and not get eaten by a big hairy sharp toothed creature, we should stay in the f'ing forest and keep trying.  Sometimes harm reduction keeps us from getting to the increase in good that is waiting for us outside of the forest in the sunlit meadow. We survive, but we don't thrive.

Oh yeah, the sunlit meadow. That's where I am.

Thank You, for reminding me.

P.S. Successful moderate drinkers can reach the sunlit meadow, too. The author of ModeratelySober is here.  But if you've been stuck in that f'ing forest so long that you're starting to grow moss in your fecund dewy parts, put down the drink and come enjoy the sun for awhile.

Abs Chat Tonight

Hi all,
I'll be hosting Abs Chat Tonight at the MM Chatroom. Abs Chat is for anyone who is absing for any amount of time, anyone who is curious about absing. Sorry, absing, is MM lingo for not drinking. Over at MM we believe that sobriety can also be reached by successful moderation for some.
But Wednesday nights are all about not drinking at the MM chatroom and no talk of moderation is allowed.
So if you want to chat. lurk or just hang out so you don't drink, stop by. Here's the info and link.

Abs Chat Tonight! 

Abs Chat is focused on abstaining from alcohol—on a permanent basis,
long-term, or even for a shorter period of time (like a 30!).
Everyone is welcome to attend, and to participate, but we won't be
discussing moderation techniques or plans. For discussions of
moderate drinking, we invite you to participate in the Monday Night
Book Chat or the Tuesday Night Online Meeting.
So if you're abstaining, planning to, curious about it, wondering
whether it would be a good idea, or just want to hang out for sober
fun, stop by!
See you there! http://www.moderation. org/chat/

** PLEASE NOTE: Abs Chat will be held in the Abs Chatroom. When
logging in, use the drop-down box to select MM_Abs_Chat. If you wind
up in the wrong room, you can move between rooms by clicking on the
room list to the right of the chatroom screen. **

The Possible Me

Okay, I admit it, when others post videos on their blogs or on the message boards I prowl, I usually skip right over them. But do yourself a favor, and watch this one. The name of it is Who We Are When We Are Not Addicted: The Possible Human, and it answered so many questions I had in my struggle to reach sobriety and so many questions I have right now.

I think the thing that hit me to the core is when Dr. Mate said that he is a firm supporter of twelve step programs, but he is uncomfortable when someone stands up and says, "Hi, my name is -----and I'm an alcoholic"  because that is not who that person is.

I identify myself as many things. I am a woman. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a nurse. And I am an alcoholic.  But that is not really who I am. Those are roles that I play or have played and they have contributed to who I am.  But they have not made me into those things. 

When I was drinking, I can remember, time and time again, holding my head in my hands and saying, "This is not who I am. This is not me."  It wasn't. And I didn't want what I was doing to myself  to deform who I was. But I kept drinking and it did deform or reform who I am.

Who am I?

I can tell you who I think I am right now, but that still is not me at my essence.

I am someone who is good. I am someone who wants to make life better, for me, for others, for nature, for God. But I am still someone who relies too much on others opinions of me and it suppresses the real me.  I am still someone who is attached too much to approval and reward even when I'm doing what I think is good and right.

I found this video today while doing my daily exercise in avoidance of doing what I think I should be doing. I'd gone to youtube to find the playlist that is supposed to make me feel positive and energetic, the one I listen to when I try to write.  I happened to see a Russell Brand video of when he is talking to some legislative body about why he is against the decriminalization of drugs and that held my attention for a bit.  Then I happened to see the link to this video and followed it. Usually, when I see any video that is an hour long, I pass right by it, but I was in serious avoidance mode.

I'm glad I did. It validated so many of the things that I have found to be true in sobriety. That it does no good to reason with your addicted brain, that you have to tap into that inner you, the one that you know is there and screaming, "This isn't me!" That alcohol and addiction is just another veil we put up between us and the world. That we don't want to grow up and deal with the world. 

That the biggest loss in our life comes not from our parents not loving us enough or abusing us but the fact that we suppressed our inner selves, those selves that they did not love, so they would love us.

My parents loved me. I've never blamed them for my drinking. I blame the fact that I was a shy, awkward, smart kid that grew to be a shy, awkward, smart adolescent and we all know that our society does not honor this. We are expected to be outgoing and vibrant and witty. For awhile I did a pretty good job at acting like I was all those things, but it was an act. Then I found booze. Instant exuberance elixir.

And I stayed stuck right there at awkward and ungainly in my mind's eye, unless I was drinking, until I got sober.

Then the real me took a deep breath and stepped out onto the stage. I was terrified that no one would like me. That I wouldn't like myself. And you know what? There are things I don't like about myself. But I can't explain the ease of life and the rightness of it, now that I am living it as myself. 

I wish I was at the Possible Me. Someone who saw herself  as someone that has something to offer that no one else has. And that something is beautiful and shining just as it is. That it is just as good as what anyone else has to offer. That it  does not need someone else's approval or admiration to make it shine. 

That something is me!

This video gave me a lot of courage to become the possible me and the insight that if I don't allow myself to be the possible me, in the fullest most unbridled sense possible, I am depriving the world.

I'm obviously not there yet, because I really think I should go back and delete  the last five words of the last sentence.

But I'm not going to. So there.

Letting The Cat Out Of The Bag

As some of you know, for the last two months I have been in the process of writing a book. No, not that old book, a brand new one.  This one is a Guide to online recovery communities.  It includes the blogging community and I have contacted several of you when I have read one of your blogs that I thought spoke to a certain population of the community and asked if I could include it along with your own description of how blogging has helped you in your journey to sobriety.  It is my goal with this book to not only allow the reader to hear my own voice but to provide a selection of voices so they can find the one they most relate to.  I am including blogs from bloggers who moderate, bloggers in early sobriety (1-3 months),  6 months,  a year, three years, and beyond.  I am also including bloggers who have relied on other programs along with their blog, including AA, rehab, or outpatient therapy. I wish I could include all of the wonderful blogs that I follow, but I have limited space.  Many of the bloggers that I have contacted have graciously agreed to join me in my endeavor, but I am still looking for bloggers who are in early recovery and bloggers who have used out patient therapy or rehab.  Also, if you have used another means of therapy or have a unique perception of recovery, I'd love to include you also.  If I cannot use your entire blog, I will try to use your insight in another section of the guide and, of course, provide a live link back to your blog.  I am also planning a future book called "Keeper," which will include snippets and quotes of wisdom that I've gathered from the blogosphere and message boards if you have any favorite quotes or words of wisdom that you would like to share to help others on this trek..

**My only rule for submissions is that they cannot criticize or be derogatory of other means of recovery.

***If you would like to contribute, please email me at [email protected]. I would like to have submissions by the end of this month for my current book.

Online recovery websites and forums are a very important part of my journey so, of course, they are included in my book also.  I am reviewing several websites that offer a full range of services such as forums or discussion boards, chatrooms and other unique amenities.  Several of the websites have offered support and have provided additional info.

The working title of the book is Neighbor Kary May's Homebody Travel Guide to Sobriety.  That's a mouthful, I know, (I'm up for suggestions) but I want to emphasize that most of us try by ourselves for a long time before we realize that we need "neighbors" to help us out and that we can find those neighbors without ever leaving our houses.  Some of you were able to take yourselves to meetings or therapy, but I wasn't, and there are many others like me out there.  That doesn't mean we don't want it bad enough. For some of us online communities will be enough, but for others, online "neighbors" will open the doors to more traditional programs.  Sobriety is the most monumental journey of our life and the book outlines what to pack for the trip and what to leave behind and suggestions for the reader's toolboxes.  It also outlines what to expect along the way, that is where the different blogs from different periods of sobriety come in.

If any of you want to share an insight that you thought made a significant difference in your own journey, I can't wait to hear about it and share it with others.

Thanks,
Kary