Flogging the Quill

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue from Traitor’s Masque. Should this author have hired an editor?

No expense was spared, at least not where anyone could see. Black velvet shrouded the gold-inlaid casket, cloaked the silent forms of the pallbearers, and muffled the hooves of the matched sable cobs that drew the funeral caisson. Despite the cold of winter, crimson roses fell in a blanket over the coffin’s lid, strewed the cobblestones with their petals, and nestled fashionably in the arms of the grieving family.

The wake had been lavish and well attended, more out of curiosity and avarice than fond memory. Lord Percival Colbourne had begun with money and ended with more, well on the way to realizing his dream of building a merchant empire. Though his fortunes had suffered of late from the political climate, he had remained both a prominent figure in commerce and a notably doting father until the last moments of his regrettably shortened life. But when the usually hale Lord Percival succumbed suddenly to ague, he left behind far more of interest to the world than he took from it. Four unprotected women were his legacy, women now in mourning, but all with a potential share in the wealth and prospects of a rich and influential man.

Lady Malisse Colbourne was his widow, a petite blonde beauty nearer thirty than forty. She seemed far too young, too delicate, and too innocent to have not one but two daughters approaching marriageable age. Anya and Darya, fourteen and thirteen, as blonde and blue-eyed as their mother, were considered heirs to both her impeccable form and her exquisite sense of (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This series averaged 4.7 out of 5 stars on Amazon. It’s billed as a “reimagining” of the Cinderella story. The writing, imagery, and vice are top-notch, I think. It certainly does a good job of setting the scene and the world of the story. But, for me, it lacks heart.

By lacking heart, I mean a character that I connect with. As far as this opening goes, it’s basically a well done info dump. But there was a character waiting just a few lines on that I would have been happy to see and read more of. For me, if the author had included the following part from just a little later in the narrative, I’d have turned the page for sure. Because of the skill of the writer, I will be reading more (the nice part about a free book). See what you think, a poll accompanies it.

Trystan Embrie Colbourne had thrown herself onto the caisson with the casket and refused to be moved. Her chestnut curls were snarled and her face was a wreck of redness and tears, but she pressed it to the cold black lid with a scandalous ferocity of grief. Her father, friend, and only family was dead, and the world was without light or color.

For me, the addition of that snippet brings a sympathetic character into the story, someone who faces trouble ahead. Cutting down on some of the initial exposition to include this, or even perhaps starting with the girl throwing herself on the casket, could have made a much more gripping opening. What do you think about the need for an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Today’s flog is of the introductory book in a series I’ve read but hadn’t critiqued. More on this after you’ve dealt with the first page.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter from The Emporer’s Edge. Should this author have hired an editor?

Note: an alternative with another poll follows my comments on this page.

Corporal Amaranthe Lokdon paced. Her short sword, night stick, and handcuffs bumped and clanked at her thighs with each impatient step. Enforcer Headquarters frowned down at her, an ominous gray cliff of a building that glowered at the neighborhood like a turkey vulture, except with less charisma.

Amaranthe drew her pocket watch and checked the time. Where was her partner?

At the soft squeak of boots on snow, she looked up. A narrow side street expelled a squat, burly man in enforcer grays. Morning light glinted against the large brass rank pins crowding his collar: four bars under two crossed swords, the mark of a district chief.

Amaranthe fought back a grimace and straightened, heels clicking together. The chief’s dark gaze latched onto her from beneath shaggy gray eyebrows that crashed in the middle when he scowled. He was scowling now.

She swallowed. “Good morning, Chief Gunarth.”

“Lokdon,” he growled. “Does the city pay you to loiter in front of headquarters? Because if the capital city of the Turgonian Empire, the most powerful nation in the world, pays its enforcers to loiter uselessly in front of my headquarters building, I’d think somebody would have mentioned it to me.”

Amaranthe opened her mouth to give him an obedient “yes, sir.” Or was it a “no, sir”?

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel averaged 4.4 out of 5 stars on Amazon. It will be interesting to see if this first page will be able to pull you into reading more of what I found, when I discovered it some months ago. As for this first page, the writing is just fine, and the action introduces what appears to be a likable character. It would appear that she’s in a little trouble . . . and that’s the problem. There doesn’t seem to be much at stake here, nothing other than being dressed down by a superior officer. I wouldn’t have turned the page.

Instead, I was drawn into this steampunk world with a saucy, delightful protagonist by the blurb on Amazon:

Imperial law enforcer Amaranthe Lokdon is good at her job: she can deter thieves and pacify thugs, if not with a blade, then by toppling an eight-foot pile of coffee canisters onto their heads. But when ravaged bodies show up on the waterfront, an arson covers up human sacrifices, and a powerful business coalition plots to kill the emperor, she feels a tad overwhelmed.

I’ll tell you how good this is—the freebie I downloaded had the first three novels in a series of nine. Little to risk. However, after I read them, I paid for book 4, and enjoyed it as much. Today, reminded of this heroine and her fascinating world and gang of characters, I’ve just bought the fifth book in the series.

So below is an alternative opening taken from later in the chapter. See if you think it’s more likely to get you to turn the page.

Amaranthe strode through the shop’s front door. Barrels and canisters cluttered the aisles, and stuffed shelves rose from floor to ceiling on each wall. The scent of tea leaves and coffee beans from distant parts of the world soared above the pervading smell of smoke. Her strongbox open, the merchant was clutching a stack of bills. Her eyes brightened when she saw Amaranthe’s uniform.

Two men towered over the shopkeeper. The huge brutes were only a couple feet shorter than the floor-to-ceiling stack of coffee tins fronting the aisle behind them.

“Well, well,” one man said, nudging his cohort, “it looks like a girl enforcer. We’re very concerned.”

His comrade snickered. Scars lined the faces of both men. Swords hung in belt scabbards, the hilts’ sweat-stained leather wrappings evidence of frequent use. One thug shifted to reveal a flintlock pistol aimed at the merchant. Apparently, he did not consider Amaranthe enough of a threat to warrant switching his target. Indignation flared and her hand twitched toward her sword. She caught herself before she acted foolishly. After all, it was better not to have a weapon pointed at her chest.

“Gentlemen,” Amaranthe said, “this robbery is over. If you put down your weapons and submit to being detained, perhaps I can speak to the magistrate on your behalf. Your possession (snip) /p>

What do you think about the need for an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

I was weary last week and wrote of hanging up the whip. But a couple of really intelligent writers stepped up and submitted their work for a flogging. And it occurred to me that even if I mostly flog Bookbub books, writers can still learn from that—witness today’s episode. So I’ll keep on, but I do hope more writers will want a fresh eye cast upon their work.

So writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter from Carrots. Should this author have hired an editor?

My life changed that day because I didn’t have any carrots. I was driving home when the dark, threatening clouds that had been gathering all afternoon finally let loose, and it began to pour. It was April, so rain wasn’t unexpected, but it couldn’t have come at a worse time. All I wanted to do was go home and relax, but first I had to stop at the grocery store and pick up some carrots. I was planning on making chicken soup for dinner, but I didn’t have any carrots, and everyone knows you can’t make chicken soup without carrots.

Luckily, the grocery store was on my way home. I pulled into the parking lot, but all the close spots were taken, and I ended up parking so far away that I knew I’d get soaked. Did I really need those carrots? I turned off the engine and without the wipers going, I could barely see out the windshield. I waited a few minutes, hoping the rain would let up, but when it didn’t, I knew I’d have make a run for it.

Gathering my courage, I took a deep breath and jumped out of the car. I made a mad dash for the doors, and was nearly there when a massive puddle blocked my way. I was running too fast to stop, so I jumped. I barely made it over the center of the puddle before my feet splashed dirty water halfway up my pants and soaked my shoes. My breath caught at the sudden wetness and I stifled a curse. By the time I reached the doors, not only were my shoes completely drenched, but the splash made it look like I’d wet my pants.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This series averaged 4.3 out of 5 stars on Amazon. I wanted this one to work because of the likable voice and the good writing, and I liked the title, “Carrots.” The rant about needing carrots was humorous and fun. But is that enough? What does this first page serve up in terms of tension, story questions, and stuff like that. Virtually nothing.

The first line could have done something to create interest, but it’s too non-specific. Her life changed, but in what way? Did the change mean trouble for her? Is there something she has to do to deal with it? Hmm, nothing there.

And the story opens with the weather, usually considered a no-no. In this case, it is. As it turns out, the rain and her getting wet has absolutely nothing to do with what happens to her or the story. Nothing. So why is it here? The page drones on about her getting wet. The next page or so takes us shopping with her. Wow, that helped, because I’ve never shopped for groceries before, so that was refreshing and compelling.

Naturally, buried in the manuscript some time later is the stuff of story. In my view, with just a little setup, the story could have gotten to this on the first page, which for me is a page-turner. See what you think, a poll follows.

As she placed the bags into my shopping cart, somebody screamed. My heart skipped a beat, and I flinched when an earsplitting boom came from the area near the bank. I stared in astonished disbelief as a man fell heavily to the floor, blood oozing from his chest. As he fell, he grabbed the rubber mask from the face of the man beside him, and I realized that man had a gun.

Another shot went off, and everyone scattered for cover. Everyone except me. My brain seemed to be moving in slow motion, and I stood there with my mouth open like a dummy. How could something like this be happening in my grocery store? The man with the gun pivoted and saw me staring at him. His eyes blazed with demented zeal, and he fired.

What do you think about the need for an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.