The Local Tea Party

How to clean your toilet in 2017

Sat, 31 Dec 2016 06:58:38 +0530

Humans of 2016, I cannot let go of you just like that this year, yet. I HAVE to talk to you about the single most important life skill that all of you must possess no matter where in the world you go and whatever in life you end up doing - The art of cleaning your toilet.

Especially unmarried boys, I know you are very busy wondering ki what the hell more you should do to get that girl in your life because you have tried everything that any human being can do and still the girl is not impressed. What to do yaar? They are like that only.

And especially unmarried ladies who know everything that the boy is doing to impress them and yet are feeling shy and not telling him means what to do again? Life is tough only. But it’s ok, this kind of small things will eventually sort themselves out. But what you really have to put in effort for is learning how to clean your toilet. Boss I’m telling you, this will save your life many times and you will thank me later.

It will all happen in a flash. One moment you are thinking ki oh boss thank god, today is Sunday, means I don’t have to move my bottoms even one millimeter haiya jolly and then next second your spouse will say those dreadful words - ‘Today we are cleaning the toilet.’

I have to tell you upfront that there are few things in life that have a better warning mechanism than this. Tsunami, earthquake, volcanic eruption, parents arriving when you are about to watch adult-only movies etc., for e.g. When these magic words are uttered in the house means there is no going back. You can try to wriggle out of it and all by saying 'Not today I am busy’ but you have to give satisfactory answer to the next question 'Doing what?’ Having failed to come up with a suitable 2-mark answer, you have to get going immediately.

Now, if you are having a lucky or a lazy background means all your life such kind of things like cleaning your toilet will be outsourced to a third party or insourced to a parent party because in your family when nobody trusts your non-core competency (eating, drinking, sleeping) itself then how will they trust you with core competency jobs like keeping the house clean etc? So now, you only have to get your hands dirty (no, stop thinking puns.)

So now I am going to guide you step-by-step on how to clean your toilet and thereby earn good name in the household.

First of all, you have to pour water all over the place. It is ok even if you pour water in the toilet. Avoid putting water on the walls because now you are being adhigaprasangi and nobody asked you to clean the walls.

The health-faucet (HF) is your friend. Make it your best friend. I know we all have love-hate relationship with health faucet, depending on the amount of psi it delivers on your back entrance at the most unexpected moment, but trust me, if you use it properly, it will make your life a lot easy. Use the HF to generously spray water all over the place. (Caution: This can get too much fun and distract you from your mission.)

So now you have have properly prepped the place. Excellent. Take a break. (But make sure nobody sees you taking the break.)

Now proceed to clear the entire area from having any obstructions, like bucket, mug, washing machine hose (those darn things are a menace) etc. Wait, this should have been done first, but it’s ok, just throw them out or place them on your head or something and keep the floor clear.

Next is the important part. You have to pick up a bottle of Harpic. Yes, that very same liquid they sell on TV when you are eating dinner and want to watch something decent. Take that bottle. Yes, you will be tempted to spend the next two hours admiring the ingenuity of the design of the bottle, but don’t. Time is of the essence. You are competing against a pro here.

Remove the bottle cap and stick the nozzle of the bottle under the secret compartment in the WC. Secret compartment = where the water comes from.

Hold the bottle firmly in the middle section (bottle’s middle section), fill up your lungs to capacity, and squeeze the bottle firmly. Now depending on its mood (and the amount of liquid left inside) the bottle will dispense either a very-generous quantity (i.e. you will have a obese blue monster splattered on your WC) or just bubbled blue air. Eitherway something will come out of the bottle.

Next is the tricky part. You have to keep squeezing bottle and draw a circle around the WC with circumference equal to πD (D is the inner-dia of the WC). This sounds more easy than it actually is. Here’s what will happen. The Harpic bottle will suddenly make friends with the WC and refuse to move an inch. They don’t meet often in your toilet and so they will want to spend some time together. Precisely at this moment, you will spot your spouse with her palm firmly planted on their forehead in disappointment and convince you to vacate the premises immediately. But don’t. You are too far in this now to give up. You HAVE to stick to your guns and see this through. If the bottle gets stuck, just trace its path backwards and then go forward again. That will do the trick.

Question: How will you know if you have done the job right?
Answer: You will now see many thin runny blue monsters racing towards the water in the WC and disappear into the abyss.

Next, take the cleaning brush. Pause. Ask yourself if this is the right brush. If your answer is yes, then you are wrong. Ask the spouse if that is the right brush. They will confirm your wrongness and tell you that this is a different brush to clean the wash basin. Put that brush down and pick up right brush.

Grip the brush tightly and attack. Go all out brushing all over the place. Under the secret compartment, under the toilet seat, inside the water, into the abyss (yuck, I know, but there is no time for sentiment right now), brush until you think you have done justice to all the abuse you have put this WC through.

Pause.

Think about your life choices. Realize that you have been a failure in everything you do. Bring out all the negativity in you and lay it out on top of the blue mess inside the WC. Contemplate for a moment. Look deep into the abyss of the WC that your life has become. Ok enough. Snap out to reality.

Hold your breath and pull down the flush. Watch it all get washed away and smile at your masterpiece. A spic and span WC. White and beautiful, returned to its original glory. Ready to be used and abused all over again.

Until the spouse comes and inspects it. And requests you to please not try this again and asks you to step out and says from next time, she will do it herself instead of letting you do such a shoddy job.

Back away from the area very carefully, slowly and (most important) silently. Go back to contemplating your choices and think about how you can have a better 2017.

May your new year be as sparkling and beautiful as a newly cleaned toilet.

Have a laughter filled 2017!

Travel is your passion? All lies.

Fri, 24 Jul 2015 11:09:03 +0530

Ok first of all I am going to break some myths. Then I am going to break some heads. This has been happening for too long now. Randomly they will come and parade nonsense stories like ‘How I quit my job and Travelled the world’ (Travel with a capital ‘T’) or ‘This guy quit his job and traveled 60 countries in 60 days’ or some such nonsense in front of our eyes and confuse our already confused brains.

Bullshit.

First of all, such kind of travel and stuff is not possible with Indian passport. Not in this lifetime. Sorry. If you see a story like this means basically it is a white guy with a passport that has the word 'Privilege’ stamped on it. (BTW if you say this is about travel inside India means I am not talking about you itself because technically you are an uncle or aunty who has just taken an LTA and your amma is just one phone call away. You don’t even have to change the SIM!)

So some random person randomly quit their ‘cushy corporate job’ and gave up all the pleasures of life (so sad) and decided to ‘travel the world’ it seems. Boss who in their right mind will do such an irresponsible activity? They don’t have EMIs to pay or what? How did their mother allow this?

And on seeing this I will also become jealous it seems and emulate such nonsense. HOW ON EARTH CAN AN INDIAN PERSON TRAVEL TO SOME COUNTRY JUST LIKE THAT?? Forget practically, theoretically itself it is not possible.

Have you ever applied for visa to that country? Even if you are applying for visa to a fellow Third World country you have to ‘follow the process’ aka humiliation. Starting from salary slip, they will ask you to submit every single document that you have ever touched in your life.

Then you have to convince them ki you are coming back and not settling down there itself because you have a job and a loan to take care here. So you have to produce one letter from HR saying so. Now this HR fellow will say go ask your boss for leave first. If you go to your boss and ask for leave means boss will be like no no no HR policy does not allow for so many days leave. What nonsense? To take my entitled leave I have to beg one million times is it? After surrendering my last few grams of self respect as HR-Dakshina finally that HR letter will be signed.

If they are not still convinced that you are going to come back means, they will ask for even more documents to show proof of funds. So I now have to take a spade and shovel and dig our apartment to search for any hidden treasure or hope to find that ancient property document that my great-great-grandmother obtained by cheating Robert Clive. Where else will I get more ‘funds’ from? Idiots.

Even for photograph they will tell you exactly much of your face they want to see. If your photograph is showing extra face, even one centimetre extra, means you will have to suffer and wait. In addition to all this if they feel like ragging you they will call you for personal interview. I am telling her madam you humiliate me over telephone itself no problem but she is like no no we have to meet you. Because they want to see your face in real life to cross-check if you have the same face as you have declared in the photograph.

By now my self respect is in negative balance, so I am borrowing some of it from my friend along with his blazer in order to appear decent. I am expecting some white person to ask tough viva voce questions at the visa interview but it is actually one old Indian woman who is his secretary and behaving as if she is giving her father’s property! Arey madam, we both are Indians only no? I will come back yaar. Just give me the visa already.

All of this nonsense is just for one country. Where from to travel 60 countries in 60 days?

So you can update status all you want with quotes like ‘Don’t be a tourist, be a Traveler’ (capital T again) or some shit like ‘I don’t just go to places. I Travel.’ but ultimately according to the visa you are just a tourist. What else did you think that country people will think of you as? Republic Day chief guest?

Best is after landing there you are all like I don’t want to do touristy things so I am going to live like a local (for the next 24 hours) and do all the local things and so you enter a cab and tell him to take you to a ‘local restaurant where local people eat.’ Boss that fellow is a cab driver and he knows exactly what to do. He is like ‘Oh like that aa, come I will take you’ and you will enter the restaurant only to see everybody is a tourist just like you.

And the first thing to ask the restaurant manager is not about the food but the wifi password and immediately update status with fake inspirational shit like ‘Nothing is blissful like traveling alone and discovering who you are’. Boss to access social media why you have to go to some other country and all. You can do the same thing sitting on the WC itself no?

So I have concluded that it is better to avoid all this inspired travel business and nonsense because as Indians we anyway have to come back and deal with Airtel customer care and other such important things in life. All such magical things happen to white people because first of all they can just buy a ticket and show up at the border without any plan. They can afford to do all such irresponsible acts because THEIR GOVERNMENT SUPPORTS THEM AND TAKES CARE OF THEM WHEN THEY RETIRE. Here, we have to support the government!

Don’t get fooled by such people’s agenda. They will tell things like when you travel you will ‘discover your soul’ and get enlightenment and stuff. The only thing we will actually get is one huge ass credit card bill at the end of the trip.

‘Travel is my passion’ it seems. How the hell can travel be a passion? At best travel can be an expenditure for us. So best is to embrace the reality that we are simply going on tour for a few days only to come back to our miserable lives.

But that need not stop me from updating putting and intellectual status message with inspirational quotes and look like a hipster. No?

Technology - boon or bane? (15 marks)

Sat, 07 Feb 2015 23:07:00 +0530

First of all I would like to thank everyone for giving me the opportunity to ~~speak~~ outrage in front of the whole world using technology. Now let us analyse the topic. Technology. What is technology? According to Wikipedia, Technology means things that shield you from your family and other unwanted people and give you peace of mind. For example, walkman, mobile phone, social media, pornhub etc. So, technology is a boon.

However, it must also be kept in mind that if you use technology to run away from family and unwanted people, the same family and unwanted people will come running after you using the same technology. Let us analyse this issue in detail as this is a 15 mark question.

First was computer. Back in the Vedic age, whenever they mentioned the word ‘technology’, it was implying the school computer lab with high tech software such as Wordstar, MS DOS etc. Before the school had computer lab, the word ‘technology’ implied a system by which every day the school bell rang with astronomical precision at exactly 8.50 am, aka Krishnan sir, the school peon.

Later father brought home technology aka Windows-98-pirated-edition-installed-computer. Thankfully it provided intelligent-looking distraction, so that when relative aunty came we only had to put namaste and go back to pretending doing important project work while waiting for dial-up connection modem to finish singing Korean songs in S Janaki’s voice. ‘He is always doing something on computer’, mother will complain to the guests, with admiration masked as annoyance.

Then Orkut came. Ok leave that.

Then facebook.

Then they did something with mobile phones and suddenly they are all smart phones now. Which basically means anyone using them will appear smart and intelligent even though they are exactly the opposite. And those smart phones released a potato bomb called WhatsApp. Like all other forms of technology, it was a cool-dude thing as long as only we are having it. When others also have it, best is to run.

Initially it was jolly jolly with free messaging and no need to make calls. Then some people who were in Andromeda galaxy in your life till then were suddenly just one ping away. And there is no way of avoiding them.

UKG friends, school friends from other sections, douchebag college friends who used to steal appalams from your plate, old neighbours, old neighbours’ distant relatives, extended family’s extended family, ex-colleagues - all of them started forming separate unions to send Good Morning messages to one another all the time and polluting the ether with megabytes after megabytes of useless photos and memes.

One person in the group says hi means every other member in the group is adamant in saying hi to that person. This goes on for one whole day. Then a new person joins and the new joinee induction gets extended by one more day. After 7 days of ‘hi’-ing, the purpose of the group is explained by the admin - sending old email forwards.

There is one entire group that will only send (semi) naked pictures of white ladies saying kinky stuff in Indian languages (re-living high school fantasies), courtesy MS Paint. Then one group sends god photos and devotional items from early morning to midnight because in India every minute is an auspicious minute to do some devotional thing. By now the media downloads folder in the phone is the most blasphemous thing in the universe containing these two things right next to each other.

<Underline in red ink> One entire Whatsapp group is dedicated to emoticons. </underline in red ink> The group name, the title, intro, body and moral of the story in all messages is all told in emoticons, so many of them that by the time you read and look up everything looks like winking faces with tongue out. Some messages think they are telling some intelligent joke and say ‘Scroll down to find out’ and you have scroll down 25 light years to find that it is basically an old Baba Sehgal song.

In between these 7328 messages you have to search your name to see if anyone was talking to you in the group because you don’t want to commit the current national crime of offending someone. So you have to politely participate in the conversation with meaningful inputs like ‘Hahaha’ or ‘Haha’ (depending on who’s talking to you.)

At this point, it is important to remember to take extra effort to make sure we are not typing in the wrong group. One wrong ping to unintended audience and your carefully built up reputation will come crashing down like second half of Abbas Mustan movie.

In addition to all this you have to tweet, work and have a life (in that order).

So, in conclusion, technology is a boon for others. Bane for us.

Let's talk about potatoes

Sat, 10 Jan 2015 13:49:00 +0530

Disclaimer** The views expressed in this article are my own. You cannot go about pestering fellow believers of potato being the best vegetable in the world. In fact, my belief itself will keep changing from time to time. Because it’s my fucking belief. All bets are off.

Come let us talk about one glorious language called English.

Actually, when some fellows went from this side of Europe to that island, they took some language with them that got mixed into this and that. Then that language added some more words from other languages like Latin, removed some other languages like phlegm and mucus and added some spit and loosely arrived at one language. Ok so far?

Many centuries passed and now that language is all over the world. It is called English and has undergone many changes to adapt to the times.

Then some geniuses, born recently, get hold of the ‘latest revised original edition’ of the grammar book with all the ‘golden rules of the glorious language’ and Believe that English means, this is how it should be spoken. They Believe that all other forms of the same language are stupid and do not deserve to exist. Also, most importantly, they simply are not even acknowledging that there are other languages in the world.

Meanwhile other English speakers, educated in other schools, have peacefully moved to other countries. They have happily mixed with other language people, nicely learning all the local bad words in exchange of the word ‘fuck’.

Are you with me still? Now comes the twist.

Now these ‘traditional’ English speakers cannot digest the fact that things are changing and now they want to establish the ‘glorious days of the past’. So they are going about, shouting in a language that no one is understanding. Suddenly, one of these guys beats up a Tamil guy. Ok no need Tamil guy, because they love English. Let’s say one of them beats up a Telugu guy for speaking poor English. Telugu guy, being Telugu guy, refuses to budge from his glorious pronunciation of all the letters in the word and it leads to a big clash. Full on fight between these two people now.

Now suddenly, the peaceful English speaking guys around the world are looking like villains. What?!

Some random guy on facebook tells them ‘You are speaking English. These violent people also speak English. By speaking the same language as these violent people, you are endorsing their violence. Why are you supporting this violent language?’ this, that etc. Poor fellows are not understanding what is going on because it is like going to the Queen of England and complaining that Alfred, my Anglo Indian friend, is mixing Tamil words in his English. What genius logic! Poor fellow has no option but to close the tab to avoid social media trolls and get on with life. So sad.

Ok, let’s talk about fashion.

Originally we were all naked. But since we are coming from orthodox families, we are Believing that the simple cotton dhoti is the best original traditional dress. Ok very good.

But Tamil people wear cotton dhoti in a certain manner. Andhra people are slightly more stylish so they wear it little differently. Same cotton dhoti only, but little different. Then as you wander from one state to another, each people wear the same cotton dhoti but in a different manner. Same same, but different.

Then one day, one random fellow wearing a cotton dhoti sees someone wearing jeans (which is also having cotton) and thinks that culture and value system is all wandering away from the community like a cow in suburban areas. He goes to the jeans wearing fellow and slaps him for violating the glorious culture of cotton dhotis.

Now logically, everyone should catch hold of this mental fellow and slap him and put some sense into his silly head. Or give him Corex or some other cough syrup and put him to sleep.

Instead, what they are doing is shouting at all the dhoti wearing people all over the country saying, ‘See! A dhoti wearing fellow has slapped an innocent citizen. And you are also wearing dhoti. Now explain why you are supporting such oppressive culture? Why are you still wearing dhoti? Tell now. Explain your stand.’ etc etc. What ridiculousness is this? What kind of dhoti are you talking about? 1.8 metres? 3.6 metres? What is the yarn count? With border? Without border? Khadi? First you understand how this works and then you can come and blame the dhotis.

Ok, leave all that. Let us talk about potatoes.

Simple and yummy potatoes.

First it was there in South America and then some well-meaning sailors who intended no harm took the potatoes back to Europe. Then, as the benevolent imperial empires expanded, they took the potatoes along with them around the world. All over the world, people started to enjoy this lovely dish, sometimes deep frying, sometimes baking and all that.

But this vegetable has one problem. It has to be properly cooked and digested. Otherwise severe gas trouble and smell problem. Most of the people are doing fine, they know what to do, how to cook etc. to avoid public damage. But some idiots do not care about others. They simply half-digested it and went around leaving stinky farts. In public places they are going and dropping smelly bombs causing a lot of problem to the others.

Many orthodox people avoid potatoes. They are happy with other vegetables and so they are annoyed with all the smell. They go to random potato eaters and say ‘You potato eaters have to control these people who fart in public places. Why are you eating a dish that encourages farts? Why are you not controlling these people?’

Hein?!

Boss they don’t even know those people and these are people who cook their potatoes well. Their potatoes came from a different garden. They eat it deep fried and those idiots eat it raw. Why are you coming and torturing random people without applying common sense?

What the hell is wrong with you? English language, fashion, potatoes are all complicated topics. Somewhat like religion.

Trauma by the mouthful

Fri, 24 Oct 2014 22:36:00 +0530

It was a feeling that didn’t let me sleep for days. It was like a thousand butterflies flying inside ok? I told my family and they immediately said ‘See I have been telling you so many years. Thank god you finally agreed at least now. If you want I will set you up with someone nice and whom we know for a very long time’ and all that. I also gave up and finally went to meet our family dentist (for checkup).

Boss by birth I am a 'proud Indian’ and by nature, even prouder South-Indian. It means unless something is near-death level wrong I won’t go to see any kind of doctor. Not even the PhD types. So if you ask when I last went to see dentist, it was several years back that too to give invitation for father’s 60th birthday homam (this, not this). So when he saw me he was like 'Arey come come you have come to give invitation to your wedding is it? Congratulations to you!’ and I told him 'No doctor, congratulations to you! I am here to give business to you.’

Doctor was like 'Oh like that aa, sit down on that chair.’ I can clearly see he was disappointed there was no wedding invitation but he didn’t show it in his face because he immediately tied one mask hiding his features and made me lean back on one reverse-batmobile/batbike type chair. I think the chair was designed in such a manner that if you lean back means automatically mouth will open.

Have you been to a dentist? Don’t go. Because it’s pure terrorism. I am leaning back making strange lusty noise with mouth open and all I am able to see is two masked faces above me, one on the left side and one on the right. I don’t think there is a single dentist in the world who looks at your teeth and says ‘Everything is perfectly alright. Just go home and eat lots of sweets!’ Always saying negative things about everything like Twitter people. They are looking inside the mouth and their eyes are making sad expression along with 'Tch tch tch’ sounds as if they are witnessing a Devadas-level tragedy story inside my mouth. What they were looking at for so long I have no clue because even I have not stared inside my mouth for such a long time in one instance.

Anyway, after the movie got over (inside my mouth) the doctor took some drilling machine and started fitting different drill-bits until he decided on the final assault weapon. Two seconds later the drill-bit, the drilling machine, and the doctor’s hands completely disappeared inside my mouth. I know my parents are telling I have a big mouth but I didn’t realise it was so literal. Thank god they put some chloroform type thing for the mouth but the sounds it made…uff! Such terrorism! Boss it made so much noise ki all the time I was wondering what the hell are they constructing some metro rail inside my mouth or what!

In between one ladies assistant came and put one pipe inside the mouth from the left side to do vacuum cleaning of the saliva. Four full hands were now operating inside my tiny 3-inch diameter mouth. In addition to this the doctor kept yelling 'Open mouth wider open mouth wider’ and I was thinking like 'Boss if I open my mouth any wider my eyebrows will go inside the mouth so please stop this harassment.’ In between all this struggle my loose tongue began to feel upset about the treatment its room-mates were getting and so it started making agitations inside the mouth by moving all over the place. Doctor got even more upset and called one more nurse and yelled 'Hold his tongue in position!’ The new nurse was some new intern or something I think and she wanted to impress the doctor it seems and so she took one kadaparai and did lathi charge and pushed my tongue down. She was showing satisfied expression as if she was in-charge of sucessfully quelling the Sepoy Mutiny or something.

I could not bear to see this oppression any longer and so I closed my eyes and the new nurse is asking mockingly 'Why you are closing eyes sir? We are only witnessing everything, not you!’ What cheekiness! In between all this, the doctor was fighting a lonely battle against my teeth pushing and shoveling and doing all kinds of battlefield work. Tanks exploded and heavy artillery fire and shelling was going on inside my mouth under his command. I gave up and closed my eyes.

The next thing I remember is the doctor screaming at my ears asking me to wake up. I immediately jumped up and paid the fees and ran out as if unlimited Metro water was being delivered for free to our apartments. I went to my vehicle and looked at my mouth in the mirror. Boss, not a single change I could see in my mouth. Everything was exactly like how it was before I went to see him. What for he did so much manual labour I didn’t understand.

Either he is a genius dentist. Or it was all total scam.

Only time will tell.

Oh by the way, the pain is gone.

Advertisements are the original aliens

Wed, 03 Sep 2014 11:17:00 +0530

I saw one cartoon thing about advertisements. How true no? Advertisements everywhere and advertisements all the time! I think they are the actual aliens who are here to attack us. Silly NASA fellows putting up telescopes and searching for them all over the place except here.

Don’t believe me? Just go right now and switch on the radio. I will bet my WWF trump cards and tenth standard slam book that they are playing advertisements right now. See? In a 4-hour radio program only 30 seconds of content they are putting. Rest of all is a giant ad skit about a father who got his daughter married successfully because he invested in real estate. Such nonsense!

These television guys are even worse. Uff. First of all they don’t have proper content itself. On top of that they are bombarding the television with so much advertisements all the time. Who is that idiot marketing guy sponsoring all such crappy television shows? Boss, in the history of my entire life, not even once have I sat down for dinner and seen a proper television program for the full dinner. Every single day I sit down to eat and switch on the TV and they are showing advertisements. I am like, ok fine let me start eating, maybe program will come soon and I eat and I eat and I reach curd rice and they are still showing advertisements. I get up and then they will put ticker like ‘Back in 30 seconds…29…28..’ Bloody idiots.

Arey if the ads are good at least fine, I can swallow. Correctly when I am eating dinner only they will put ads of Harpic, Domex, any and every other item ever invented to clean the toilet. Ugh the worst is who you know? Every night when I am eating one aunty will come and put her hand in the toilet area and rub it nicely to show that toilet is clean. What the absolute atrocity of an act to see when you are eating your favorite dish? Thinking that itself makes me want to puke all over this keyboard now.

Then the shaving ads. Boss let me tell all the ladies and some gents one thing clearly. That level of clean shaven face they are showing in advertisements is possible in only one way. First you have to set fire to your facial hair, then rub the face with sand paper (ISO P12) for 24 hours and then polish it with tamarind and Sabena powder five times a day for one week. Only then you will get smooth face like that. What levels of stupidity they are assuming about us I don’t know.

And then there are the new age fools. The internet ads. All sort of circus they do on screen the minute I open one website. Videos will start playing. Random sounds will come. Ads will pop up from left, right, bottom left, bottom right, Agneya, Īśāna and all other possible directions. Then whatever you want to read will slowly disappear downwards and giant car will come and sit on your screen. One website is actually having a car move from left to right, and then from right to left, with a little 'close’ button on the dicky. Boss I am here to read news article. Not play video games!

Worst experience is when I am trying to improve my intelligence by reading some knowledgeable articles about Cosmos and space and black holes and I am scrolling down and suddenly one ad appears saying 'Buy Black Hole underwear 5 pieces for just Rs. 999/- (Google Ad)’. I simply don’t understand why they are thinking in the first place ki people will suddenly feel like buying underwear in the middle of reading a scientific article.

Such bombardment with ads causes much trauma to the brain. I think just like how government has rehabilitation programs for people affected by war or too much exposure to things like nuclear radiation or Newshour, they should also have rehabilitation program or something for people affected by exposure to too many advertisements.

How much they are present in our life?! And it’s not even like they are asking our permission! Just like that they decided to torture us with their stupid ads.

It’s ridiculous no? How they think that, if we are interested in something they have a right to be present there. ‘Oh! You are looking somewhere. Wait wait I will come and put my ad there and block your view.’ ‘Oh you are listening to something? Please excuse us, we are owning the soundwaves and so please listen to this crappy ad.’

Boss I understand not everything can be free and so they have to make money to sustain and all that MBA related stuff. All that is fine. But that is not the only aim no? Immediately you will say ki boss if you don’t want all this means pay up, then we will talk. That is also correct. But it is not like I have a choice to go anywhere. Na?

I am walking down a street. If you see me walking down the street every day and so send a thousand hawkers everyday who shove products into my face and harass me and ask me to buy, I will simply not come to that street again, no?

Some things about nothing

Tue, 19 Aug 2014 11:39:00 +0530

It is a city. It is an emotion. It is a collection of villages. It is a separate nation. What and all random ways to describe it no? What the hell is this city?

This city makes me angry. The timepass digging along the road. The water stagnating because of the digging. The traffic stagnating because of the water. Vehicles are not at all moving and my patience is vanishing like my grandmother’s front teeth. It drives me crazy and so I try to get off the vehicle to shout at someone to vent my anger and then traffic starts moving. Bloody city doesn’t even allow me to get angry properly.

Typical Madras behaviour. It’s there, but not too much. Just like all the other things. Like, the display of wealth. The city lets the rich fellows flaunt their wealth. But never lets it get vulgar. Modesty is in its DNA.

This city makes me argumentative. I want to argue with the autorickshaw driver who doesn’t want to turn that meter on. Does he not know the rules of the game have changed? I want to argue with the newspaper boy who delivers newspaper late just on ONE day. Does he not know that the day doesn’t start until I read it? I want to get into an argument with a Brian Lara fan. With a Kamal Haasan fanboy. With a Times of India reader.

This city makes me hate it. Not in a hateful way. But like how its mothers hate their children when they miss out on centum in maths exams by two marks. Why is there no perfection? It is possible, is it not? And it behaves like a kid that refuses to acknowledge that it has grown up. Why else will it still call its suburbs villages? Does it not see the cars parked on the streets because uncles, when they bought the apartments, never imagined they’d buy cars one day? And yet look! How they have grown!

This city makes me conservative. It tells me to have fun, but “within limits”. It reminds me of home the moment it strikes 9 in the night because I must call and tell them that I’m eating outside and don’t need dinner. I can lose myself in a party. But only until midnight. After which I have to head home. Always.

This city tempts me with its humble but powerful invisible force. Like the one coming from a plate of hot sambar vadai sprinkled with little onion pieces and topped with ghee.

This city makes me ask. It has everything I need but it’s all secretly stashed away out of sight. Like how a mother hides the biscuits from the child. It gives only if it feels like rewarding me.

This city doesn’t care how much money I have. It’s more interested in what I read. What sport do I follow. (Never mind if I don’t play one.) It is interested in my opinion. Can I engage in an intellectual discussion with it? In the comments section of a blog post? How about on Twitter?

This city makes me belong.

It doesn’t care about my appearance. It makes me feel completely comfortable in uncoordinated checked blue shirt and brown pants. It pretends like it matters where I come from. But it really doesn’t care. It doesn’t force me to speak its language. Instead, it will speak my language willingly. ‘Kaise ho mera dost?’ 'Yemi babu?’ 'Entha chetta?’

This city has got nothing special. Nothing makes it special.

But this city is home. Like any city that is home, this city makes me…normal.

This city makes me.

When God is everywhere

Wed, 19 Mar 2014 14:00:00 +0530

I am on a mission.

Whenever someone tells you ki the world is coming to an end and the end is near because people have lost faith in God and that belief in God is reducing day by day and all that means DON’T BELIEVE THEM!

Today, more than ever, belief is growing only. Simply because the number of people on earth today is numerically more than the number of people on earth in 10,000 BC, right? And so numerically (even after adjusting for inflation and PPP) belief is also growing right? Arey we have been multiplying like crazy no? The only creature that is doing better than us is mosquito, but that is a different story. Leave that. But net-net in toto NPV of belief is more than ever.

Boss what are you saying ki people are not believing anymore and so we are losing all the traditional values? Come to my house. The display of devotion in just my house alone is enough to compensate for all the non-believers in the world. I think my family has it covered for all of us for this millennium.

In spite of all this, if something is not right means they cannot blame us.

I am complaining about all these long long religious procedures and lengthy literature directory that we have to recite on festival days means they are giving shorter version of the same thing saying, ‘These 4 lines if you say means, you will have the same benefit of saying the entire literature’. Arey! Then why to sit and say the entire thing and spend time? Unnecessary glorification of pain. You are only inventing shortcuts and then blaming the next generation for avoiding traditional practices means what is this?

Arey, earlier it used to be watching TV serials back to back. Like a silly goose, that day itself I should have not complained and let it be. At least TV serials have season 1 and season 2 etc. Then some genius thought of putting HD camera in all the temples. Now all the time, all seasons there is direct telecast from all the temples and all religious places in the world direct to TV!

As soon as Live Aarthi in one temple is over immediately they are changing TV channels to the next. Even God is like 'Boss, slow down. I have not reached there yet.’

Ridiculous theories yaar. Values are degrading it seems. Here is a simple logic. Earlier days, no computer. So, no wallpaper. Today, there is computer. Computer has wallpaper. Wallpaper is God photo. Earlier, no God. Now, God. Got it?

Computer wallpaper is the simplest and most harmless avatar. Ringtones, caller tunes, plastic covers, calendars…CALENDARS! Boss I still have 1993 calendar card with God photo on my table! Because I don’t know what to do with it!

Iron Man 2 is going on TV means go to hell. Tony Stark can wait. 'How many times will you watch the same movie again and again? Live Aarthi session comes only once….a day.’

This at least ok yaar. Aunty is going to that temple and correctly calling up the family and saying 'I am there only. Can you see me on TV?’ and then they are like 'Wait wait, don’t change channels, they will show aunty.’ What?! You want to watch the God or aunty on TV? So crazy man!

Already our childhood is scarred by that LTA thing where we took train, bus and flight to go from one temple to another. So many temple visits ki then only I realised what they meant by saying 'God is everywhere.’

So we want to escape all that using technology but that also you are not letting means what to do?

Boss, broadband connection I am increasing all speed and free GB limit and everything so that I can download all latest TV series. But now I am getting ridiculous amounts of monthly bill and I am sitting and wondering, only one season is out and that too four episodes then how come I exhausted the download limit means only then I am realizing another kind of live streaming is going on. Any festival and function means direct Youtube only to access God. That too in HD.

In between, some devotional sites are sending some viruses also. What crazy irony!

I know they are always saying God is invisible and everywhere. I didn’t realize that they meant it literally. I think as long as there is ether and technology, God is not going anywhere.

This new year, Ban.

Fri, 03 Jan 2014 13:39:00 +0530

First of all, Ban honking. Then Ban Dhoom themed car-reversing tunes. Ban car reversing tunes.

Ban anger-inducing annoying stupid speed breakers that exist in the middle of the road for no reason other than to make men impotent. Ban public display of middle finger by angry car drivers. Ban angry people from driving cars. Ban angry people from driving anything. Ban anger.

Ban unhealthy food. Actually don’t. But ban them from being eaten by children. Ban peas pulao and one-fourth naan at buffet lunches during all-day bullet point filled power point presentations. Ban power point presentations. Ban bullets.

Ban reality television for kids. Ban children from talking like grownups. Ban grownups from stealing children’s childhood. Ban anything that takes away childhood from children.

Ban preferential treatment to car owners in hotels. Ban discrimination against single people.

Ban ridiculous marketing campaigns asking men to shave in order to get laid. Ban asking men to shave. Ban anything except condoms that men have to buy so that they can get laid.

Ban full page real estate ads. Ban any kind of real estate ads.

Ban ridiculously expensive mineral water that claims to have Gold, Silver, Bronze, Diamond, Emerald, Ruby, Sun, Moon, Milky Way, Big Bang, God Particle in ultramicroscopisitical quantities. Ban fairness cream. Ban photoshopping wrinkles. Ban wrinkle free creams to get that perfect fake smile. Ban fake smiles.

Ban messing with the hair to get that messy look. Ban baldness curing solutions.

Ban playing with guilt by NGOs.

Ban people from walking around the room while brushing their teeth.

Ban people from talking on mobile phones in movie theaters. Ban interfering when others are speaking. Ban unproductive Parliament adjournments.

Ban plastic chairs.

Ban complicating discussions on sports and music by elitists. Ban complications. Ban elitism. Ban priority seats. Ban priority seats until I am given priority seats.

Ban ‘Caveat Emptor’.

Ban laughing at others’ misery. Ban misery.

Ban using money as a measure to define success. Ban using social status to define success. Ban defining success.

Ban goodbyes.

Ban linguistic barriers. Ban contempt to familiarity.

Ban patriotism as an excuse. Ban boundaries.

Ban people from taking themselves seriously. Ban taking language seriously. Ban grammar nazis. Ban intolerance. Ban hiding behind tradition. Ban confusing history textbooks with Future for Dummies.

This and all too much to ask. So Happy New Year.

In those days..

Wed, 27 Nov 2013 13:08:00 +0530

I don’t understand this logic only. All our life we are focusing on the future and saving for the future and joining useless retirement-cum-insurance-cum-savings-cum-investment-cum-protection-for-the-kid-that-will-be-born-after-the-wedding-once-you-decide-to-get-married schemes so that we can live happily ever after and then you are going around puking nostalgia nostalgia into everyone’s ears means what is this?

First of all you tell me when is that ‘those days’? When does it begin? When does it end?

Arey, nostalgia is understandable. For that only every week they dedicate one page in The Hindu. Read it and be happy no? Why simply insisting ‘I miss those days. We must bring back those days. Things used to be so much better!’

What better? Metrowater used to come to our street and give us three buckets of water every day. Rascals. Three buckets?!

Arey you only complained ki if I go to State Bank and all the employees are not respecting us and they are so inefficient and this and that and so they put computers everywhere and automated all processes so that you won’t have to see the face of that uncle whom you hate so much. Now you are calling up the automated call centre insisting that you speak to the customer care executive and if they are delaying means again you are complaining 'I miss those days when there used to be human touch’. Arey! Do you want computers or not?

If you want human interaction means tell properly. Don’t want means that also tell properly. You are only saying it is rude to be checking mobile phone all the time when there are other people around, make eye contact, make eye contact. So, in the train nice guy desperately tries to strike one conversation with pretty girl after desperately trying to make eye contact. (To reach this stage itself many levels of miracles and IRCTC blessings has to happen.)

And then top of that you are avoiding the conversation by putting on earphones and sending out status updates and tweets saying 'Creepy random guy trying to strike conversation. Successfully avoided by putting on earphones. Lulz.’ means how? If you give confusing signals like this means where to go and bang the head?

So much mixed signals. You only keep saying ki in those days kings used to take care of their 'subjects’, kings used to be nice to people, kings were benevolent, kings were this, kings were that, the Great King built the Great Statues and all that. If any damage happens to the statues these kings built means you are making so much noise and shouting our heritage is gone, no respect for culture and this country has gone to dogs and all that you are saying.

You want to carefully protect the statues that these kings built using public money in those days. You also want to bring back the Glorious Rule of the Great Kings from our Glorious Past.

Our politics fellows are looking at all of this and thinking, 'Oho, so if we built statues means our future generation will think we are great’ and they are going and constructing statues using public money just like the Great King. Then immediately you are creating online petitions to stop wasteful expenditure of tax-payer’s money. What happened to nostalgia now?

You want nostalgia and take things back to where they were and so the TV people are noting all of this and going and bringing back all those old actors and making them dance and conduct horrible reality shows.

Anil Kapoor is not retiring only.

People are like where are all the gentlemen these days, there used to be so many gentlemen in those days and they are looking here and there and then they show him as the ultimate Gentleman of those days and people are going 'Ewwww! So hairy and gross!’. Some people will start making jokes about his body hair and everybody will join in and laugh. As if they don’t have hair anywhere.

You wanted nostalgia no? Doesn’t look good or what?

Sitting on a high pedestal that Shakespeare himself vacated many centuries back you are commenting on all the new things that new people are trying to do and complaining ki this is not how it was traditionally done in those days, they are polluting the art, treating art with disrespect and all that.

And then when these new people become old, everybody is saying oh what a genius this that. Why all this trouble? One thing. If you are not able to appreciate the work of contemporaries, then they are definitely going to land up in the textbooks of the next generation.

Do one thing. Avoid all this and emulate the grandmother. She is happily sitting in front of the TV watching all TV serials and embracing the future quietly by refusing to give the TV remote while you are going around the city searching for 'authentic local cuisine’ (that she can comfortably cook without any effort).

Totally miss the good old days when we really didn’t care about the past.

The greatest teacher of them all

Thu, 05 Sep 2013 12:59:46 +0530

Our teachers taught us languages. They taught us to speak, read, write, shout and whisper words. They taught us meanings and taught us what to say. But they never disclosed the power of these words. No one taught us that words could make us laugh. Or cry. Or heal. Or make us fall in love. Or could be used as weapons to hurt.

They taught us science. They taught us its wonders. They taught us how things work. They took us deep into the oceans and into the space and beyond. They asked us to question. They asked us to think rationally. But they didn’t tell us when to stop questioning and start believing. They didn’t tell us anything about having faith.

The teachers taught us mathematics. To add. And multiply. Subtract, but only if we can afford to. Borrow, if need be. They took us into the fascinating world of numbers so that we could get lost in them for the rest of our lives chasing them. They taught us volumes and quantities. Of measures and comparison. But they never told us how much is too much. They didn’t teach us that when some debts are not repaid, the loss cannot be quantified.

They taught us geography. Of countries and capitals. Of boundaries and barriers. But they never taught us that the boundaries exist only inside the head.

They taught us history. They took us back in time. They told us who won. And who lost. But never why. They didn’t teach us how not to go to war. To learn from our mistakes. They taught us to romanticise the victors. Pity the losers. Of conquests and battles. But they didn’t tell us how not to let success get to the head.

They tested us to see how we handled pressure. But they never tested us to see how we handle fame. Or criticism.

They taught us to compete. To win a debate. To rebut a point. But they didn’t teach us that it’s alright to speak our heart out and express our opinion and not feel guilty about it. They never tested us to see if we would let differing opinions survive around us without feeling insecure.

They didn’t teach us the devastating power of anger. Or that actions performed in a moment of anger may never be undone. Ever.

They didn’t teach us the importance of our loved ones. Or that we must never hate them because they may be gone the next day and we may never see them again for the rest of our lives.

They sure didn’t teach us how to fall in love. Or how to express our love to the girl. Or boy. Nor did they teach us to celebrate it. They never quantified the power of attraction between two human beings. And they didn’t tell us what would happen to us when that attraction disappeared in one quick instant. They never taught us how to handle real pain.

They didn’t teach us a lot of things because we were not ready for a long time. And when we were ready, they knocked down the walls of protection around us and flung us right into the greatest classroom of all. The student was ready for lessons from the greatest teacher of them all. Our very own Master Oogway. Life.

This means war

Fri, 30 Aug 2013 13:16:00 +0530

‘Oh my god our distant cousin just beat his wife and children! That too in the most horrible manner!’

'War!’

'He has never been a good person. Beats his own family. What kind of a person beats his own family?’

'War!’

'Blimey! I mean, did you see how he hurt? Can you imagine how cruel he must be to hurt like that? We have a whole different way of hurting, but that is so ethical. What this guy is doing inside his house is so unacceptable. So much violation!’

'War.’

'Come let’s go and hurt him jolly good.’

'War!!’

'Oh wait, I will also join you, ami. I am anyway sick and tired of dealing with problems in my house. I want some fun too.’

'War!!!!!!!!’

'Oh hang on, are you guys going inside his house to hurt him? Do you think that’s ok?’

'War.’

'Right ho! We know he hurts his family, he is a wife beater, but the way in which he hurt his people this time is totally unacceptable.’

'War.’

'What do you expect, old fella? That we sit on the sidelines and watch innocent people being tortured? I am with Big Brother on this.’

'War!’

'Oui oui.’

'War.’

'Ok ok wait, let’s send some police in there and let them find out if what you say is true.’

'War.’

'You don’t jolly understand jolly good fellow. The police will never find out.’

'War.’

'Oui oui. Le police are being cheated and misdirected.’

'War.’

'But we still don’t know for sure. Wait no! Let the police come out with its report.’

'War!’

'Ok ok. Here is a solution. Let us call our entire family and see if they agree that we go into his house and beat him. If they agree, we will go.’

'War.’

'I think that sounds like a good idea. Listen, I have the biggest family here. I represent one-sixth of the entire family and I think we should wait.’

'WAR!!!!!!!!’

'Listen buddy, I don’t really like you, but my house is the biggest around here. I am also telling you, let us call him to the family house and talk to him.’

'WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

'What ho, are you talking? We are the family. You can have your opinions but we gave money for this family house and so we decide what the family is going to do. As it is, we don’t really care what the family thinks. This family house is a nice outlet for you guys to come and talk, so please feel free to talk. We will do what we really want to do.’

'War.’

'Arey, listen no! Don’t put us into such embarrassing position again and again yaar! I know you give us a lot of money, but what to do right now, I am also convinced ki we should wait but if I tell you means you will not give us money and I dont know what is going to happen and I am so confused all the time and I never go to other people’s house and beat them but what to do I am so confused oh no…’

'War.’

'If we go inside his house how, that fellow will go batshit and go around beating other families around him and it will be a bigger problem. Please. Let us go talk to him.’

'War.’

'Oye. You first look inside your house and see how many people are beating each other up. School children are being damaged by other school children and you are here trying to set other people’s families right. Go go. If you have money to spend means give it to poor people or something. No need to feed bouncers so that they can go inside other people’s houses and beat them up.’

'WAR!!!!!!! WAR!!!!!! WAR!!!!!!!’

'Boss, I know I am in your family, but last time itself we did something like this and that fellow’s house is still damaged. His family members are still running in the streets like mental fellows and so much damage has happened. Our credit card limit also got exhausted and our own family people were left homeless. Wait, no?’

'WAR!!!!!’

'It’s ok ami. We will just go inside, tap his head, knock him unconscious, and come out.’

'War.’

'If need be, we will also liberate the family and find a new head of the family. The barmy fellow must go. And I never really liked his house. So hot and ugly.’

'War.’

'Do you not understand what we are saying? Are you really not listeni…’

’…These wankers will keep yakking. Come on jolly good fellow. It’s time for action.’

'Oui oui.’

'What would I do without you guys? Fellow, ami, come let’s go. WAR!!!!!!!’

Family functions

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 13:02:22 +0530

There are some things I don’t understand. Or some people. Both are same. Aunties and uncles for example. Who invented them? And why?

Function in the house means first they are only landing.

Who is asking the aunty to come all the way from some suburb way outside the city and pester me with uncomfortable questions? Other than the usual M question, she goes on pestering about how I have forgotten her and how I am not giving respect to her. ‘Not even once you felt like coming and seeing your aunty no? Everytime I only have to come!’, she is blackmailing sentimentally. Arey who will want to go all the way to some some suburb and eat home cooked food and snooze and come back in the evening? What is this? 1980s or what? You have any idea how rare one weekend is? Comes only once a week.

While scolding me, she is also fighting with the mother. Some leftover argument from last time she starts with her and continues. At the same time she is handing over a bag full of vegetables she bought near the bus stop. (Aunty-uncle living in the suburb still swear by public transport and auto is still a luxury. Ayyo.) Loud pitched verbal diarrhoea is happening and at the same time she sits on the floor stretching her legs and starts cutting the vegetables and is helping mother cook, all the time arguing something or the other with her. Absolutely no connection between the actions and words.

And randomly she is bringing in uncle for special effects. 'Uncle has been asking about you for so many days now. At least to see him you can come no?’ And then she is turning to the mother and asks 'Is your son so busy that he cannot come and even see his uncle?’.

Poor uncle is standing the middle of the house with his hands on his hips and staring at the blank wall. He has spotted some ants and trying to trace their path or something. And then he asks about my work life and where I travelled last on work. When I tell where, he asks which train I took and then he takes off on a journey of his own about different trains going to the same town.

I don’t understand it but senior citizens are always having some fascination towards railways and go crazy about discussing train routes. 'Train will stop in Jolarpettai for 20 minutes, Train arrived at Katpadi junction on time…’ something or the other about the train timing they want to keep on talking. Trainporn. I think they all secretly wanted to be train drivers or something but their father said 'What? You will put coal into the engine for the rest of your life or what? Go do bank job, go’. Anyway.

Uncle is casually showing off his worldly knowledge he gathered from the newspaper that morning and then mother hands out coffee to him. Aunty, meanwhile, has finished cutting vegetables and is now helping mother cook in the kitchen.

Then other people arrive.

'Welcome welcome’ uncle says loudly. Aunty looks out from the kitchen and joins him. 'Welcome welcome..where are the kids?’, she asks the visitors. Suddenly, from being visitors themselves, they are now part of the family, doing things we should be doing.

And then some argument or the other happens with the newcomer 'Now only you found the route to this house is it?’. And then the whole process again. Uff.

And then like a fool I am sitting and wondering why uncle and aunty are so annoying. Of course they will be annoying. There is a reason why they do not say 'excuse me’ and 'please’ if they want water. There is a reason why they want to add as friends on social network. There is a reason why they come to my house and talk in loud voices disturbing my sleep and interrupting my Whatsapp flirts. There is a reason why they act like real human beings with raw emotions. Because they belong. Because they are family.

10 things you should not do with a woman

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 11:40:37 +0530

(Ladies, this is advice for men. If you are still reading this means don’t come shouting at me. I am not responsible.)

10. Do not argue or try arguing with the ladies. Especially if they happen to be your mother. (Equally applicable to others.) Even if you are winning, you will walk away feeling you have lost.

9. Do not think you can overtake or even try to overtake some ladies in traffic. Because the main thing is they don’t have any distraction on the road. But you are having a major distraction on the road. Them. Even if you succeed, you will be caught by the traffic police at the next signal and the ladies will be happily going past you. Worst thing is, even then they will not turn and look at you.

8. Don’t try to get into or discuss misogyny stuff with them. Some ladies I know can do it better than men.

7. When you are out with the ladies shopping for something on the pavement, don’t show off by trying to take the lead and bargain with the shopkeeper. He will look at you top to bottom and take his stuff back and ask you to leave. Wait for the ladies to start bargaining and that fellow’s starting price will be half of your final offer.

6. Whatever you do, better don’t assume that women don’t know bad words and get into an argument based on their puppy-face innocent looks. Boss, I am telling you, one woman I know knows so much bad words that I suffered severe internal brain damage listening to her. New new dictionaries are waiting to be written.

5. Sports. Avoid discussing this ladies. No No. Not because of the stereotype that women don’t follow sports and all that. Actually the opposite. The other day I was randomly showing off my love for cricket to one girl and she immediately jumped up and started talking about changing Sri Lankan cricket scenario. Boss who follows Sri Lankan cricket anyway, that too if India is not even playing! And she kept quoting so many statistics about the players that at some point I was seriously considering following carrom board or something. If they tell you they don’t follow sports, don’t discuss sports. Discuss something else that makes good conversation. If they tell you they follow sports, then also don’t discuss sports. You are doing your pride a big favour.

4. Do not try to outdo the ladies by reading more books than they read. That is impossible. No. Don’t even protest. They are reading all sorts of authors and all sorts of books that you will be beginning to think you have to quit your fulltime job to even match that amount of reading. If you have read 2,54,874 books in your lifetime, your lady friend would have read 2,54,875 books, many of them even depressing titles. And despite all this, you will be finding hardly any common authors worthy enough for conversation. Except P.G.Wodehouse. Of course.

3. Just don’t think ki all women can cook great. One friend couple I know, that guy is a horrible cook. That woman is even more horrible. One day I went to eat with them. That guy only cooked. That woman was saying ‘Yummmmyyyyyy’. Boss, there was no salt only! What kind of culinary skill is this?

2. Don’t lose your ordinariness. ‘Prince charming’ in white horse, vampire, ‘knight in shining armour ‘and all that the ladies will say, but ordinary fellow wins in the end.

1. VERY VERY IMPORTANT. Do not challenge a woman in a gym. I am serious. If you go to a gym means just go, look down all the time, do your routine, come back home and drink milk. If you think, 'Pfft, a woman, I can do better than her’ means, all the best.

One pretty woman in the gym was putting off her headphones in her ears. She looked like she was getting ready to jog or walk on the treadmill. Correct that’s what I thought. Wrong. Boss, she pressed some buttons and started running. Like, real running. The kind of running you and I have last done only on a day when we forgot to polish our school shoes and our PT teacher had a fight with the spouse that morning.

I kid you not man, I tried to match her speed for exactly 11 seconds before I tripped and fell off the treadmill and my foot got caught in the moving rubber and I was rolling over and under the treadmill in circles but she was running as if nothing was happening! Arey, focus while exercising is good, but this kind of focus is too much yaar.

They called an ambulance for me and all and she was still running when the paramedics took me inside the ambulance, completely unaware of my life situation for which she was responsible. Later I checked, it seems she was still running when the gym was closing for the day and when the neighbouring shop owner looked through the glass when the last light was switched off, she was still running.

So boss, take my advice. And take care of yourself.

Happy Women’s Day.

Circus elephant and the naked chameleon

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 11:40:00 +0530

Boss something is wrong with this world. I am sitting here trying to change the world but so many distractions are happening and I am not able to change even a ten rupee note into coins. Some problems yaar. I don’t know how to explain only. Because I myself don’t know what the problem is!

See I am following all the rules in the traffic. OK not all. This red signal-orange signal is a big confusion all the time. So sometimes I pleasure the rebel in myself by breaking the traffic signals. I mean, not like climbing up the pole and throwing down the traffic light and breaking it types. But, generally breaking the rules.

But seriously, when I am breaking the rules, nobody is around ok? So net damage is zero. But when I am following the rules and someone else breaks the rules no, I bloody want to break his face only. It is because of stupid people like this that the country is still ‘developing’ (whatever that means).

Arey the other day, this fellow made a joke about me and told me itself! How dare he? I was about to slap him only. He asked me whether it was a bad joke! Arey! How can he make fun of me? Boss I will tell jokes about everyone and make people laugh (making people laugh is such a noble thing), I will make fun of all actors and politicians and other people’s physical appearances and might even get paid for it, but if someone makes fun of me means, that’s all. I will whoop their ass in public, baby. Sorry boss, I can only tell jokes but I can’t take jokes.

So I wrote this giant article about a movie by one actor who is a megalomaniac and uses all possible ways to promote his work, ok? That fellow usually shamelessly plugs his works and goes about selling his art, something that he has invested in for decades. So I wrote a nice article against his silly methods. Boss it was such a beautiful article I wrote, I wanted everyone to read and appreciate my criticism. I asked people to share it and retweet it and like it and comment on it. Then one stupid fellow is putting a comment and criticising ki he didn’t like my critique. What the hell yaar? How can he say such a thing?

I want to look around and beat up people like that.

I especially want to beat up people who look at other human beings as pieces of meat. I want to break their jaws if they make dirty comments in public. How dare they look at other people as if they were objects?! Boss I will secretly admire film stars and models and fantasise about them but you cannot do it. Please. Not in my presence. Privately you do whatever you want to do or behave however you want to behave and regard other human beings as you want to, but in public, behave as if you are basically a nice person. Because who I really am not is not important for you. What others think of me is only important. So I will behave like a nice person and not really offend anyone openly.

But you know how I will slyly offend people. For that also I have a technique.

I will insult them by giving ‘offensive tags’ to natural processes. I will call older people as 'uncle-based’ and 'aunty-types’. Because being called old is bad and being called young is good, you see. I will call fat people fat. Because being called fat is bad but being called slim is good.

Ugly is bad. Beautiful is good. [Ok, this one I didn’t understand properly. Because if someone is not naturally beautiful but appears beautiful because of using make up, then what is there to be proud of? That beauty is anyway artificial. If someone is naturally beautiful from birth, then also what is there to be proud of? That person had nothing to do with their beauty. They were just born that way. Full confusion yaar!]

Anyway, that is the basic problem. I am telling them to do one thing and everybody is doing exactly the opposite. So many serious problems are there in the world and we are talking about such silly issues.

Ok come let’s discuss about changing the world.

What is this conspiracy?

Fri, 11 Jan 2013 14:21:00 +0530

How things have come to this level is a great mystery. Even greater mystery is how nobody is objecting to it! Boss, attracting the females is the one and only full time aim of the gentlemen in this world is it?! Who said? Bring that fellow here. Not everything that men want to buy is to attract the ladies!

What a ridiculous false propaganda this is! I am serious man, take a look at the advertisements and you will start thinking ki men are roaming around the streets always thinking ‘How do I attract the ladies? How do I attract the ladies?’

And Virat Kohli is coming and giving two ideas instead of one to attract girls it seems. First of all, which idiot will buy a phone to attract a girl? No seriously, tell me. And I don’t understand who will be the bigger joker here, the guy who will buy this cellphone or the girl who will be attracted to him because of this?

At least this fellow is young fellow (cellphone company, not Virat Kohli) and at least cellphone–>smartphone–>smart–>gents some connection is there. We can forgive. But underwear? Underwear???!!!

First and second of all, how and why will the ladies know what brand underwear the men are wearing? Even if they know and even if they get attracted to it, it means it is the name of the underwear brand that is attractive and not its contents. Why you are spreading such false propaganda against the gentlemen like this? And then lungi! Don’t even want to discuss that here.

Arey, one time you are showing a girl running away from a guy with a car to a guy with a two-wheeler. On seeing this thousands of gentlemen are buying bikes in the hope of giving lift to a girl from bus-stop. But then there are no girls only in the bus stop because secretly you are selling Scooty and Activa to them. And then you are also showing girls running away from guy with bike to guy with car and they both are leaving the guy with bike in deal and secretly giggling 'Let’s Go’. What ridiculous nonsense is this?

Then you will come tell, 'Oh, so you are saying then this is not true? Men don’t want to attract ladies?’, this, that. True boss, that desire will be there, but not like what you are saying. But we will understand if you say things like, 'If you go to gym, you will attract ladies’ or 'If you read good books, you will attract ladies.’

But see for yourself, what nonsense you are yapping.

If you buy a soft drink, you will attract ladies.

If you buy a bike, you will attract ladies.

If you buy a car, you will attract ladies.

If you buy a cellphone, you will attract ladies.

If you buy a suitcase, you will attract ladies.

If you buy a lungi, you will attract ladies.

If you buy underwear, you will attract ladies.

If you buy music cd, you will attract ladies.

If you buy toothpaste, you will attract ladies.

If you use debit card, you will attract ladies.

Boss! What is this?

Already some idiot men are doing nonsense things to ladies and the whole country is outraging. On top of this you are showing as if men are so desperate to attract the ladies. And already men are confused ki when the ladies will be funny and when they will suddenly become angry and say 'You are such a misogynist. All men are rapists. All men are like this. All men are like that.’ On top of this you are showcasing men like this means how?

Arey other than the Drive to Bond, men also have some other nice decent intentions too. Like…ok there is no time to discuss such lengthy topics here. Later.

Even if the men are doing all of the above things and more on top of this, the ladies will say, 'This and all ok, but most importantly the man should have a sense of humour. That is only crucial.’ Then what will the gentlemen do? Everything is now waste.

Better you do one thing. If you want to make such advertisements means first you manufacture appropriate product like one Sense of Humour spray. Then you can advertise as

'Spray this and attract ladies!’

'Just one spray for one hour of sense of humour! Lasts long! Really long!’

At least some sense will be there.

But then, even for that also ladies will counter it because they will come fully loaded with a Sense of Sarcasm Spray. Or worse. Pepper spray.

Who will deal with such things?

A few last words

Thu, 20 Dec 2012 00:57:00 +0530

20.12.2012

In case the world is ending tomorrow, I want to leave some tips and tricks for the future humans, so that they are not repeating the same mistakes and bringing the same fate to themselves. (At least let them live happily forever, no?)

TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN

If you are reading this means, congratulations on inhabiting the earth once again. We humans rock. (To hell with cockroaches.) But before you start celebrating, you have to learn from past experience. Below, you will be finding some things we learnt while we rocked the planet ‘lyk nething’. I hope you use the below information correctly to ensure your continued presence on the planet.

1. Find the following two objects wherever they are and ~~destroy~~ hide them immediately

a. Harris Jeyaraj music CDs

b. Akshay Kumar movie DVD/CD/Bluray/Torrents

Also, never ever refer to them as 'classics’. Some people used to do that and we are wondering ki if that is one reason the world ended. You don’t do the same mistake and bring the same fate upon yourselves. This is a second chance for humans. Please make use of it.

2. One clarification. There are no boyfriends in engineering college. There are no girls in engineering college. FYI.

3. No need to keep blaming the British for everything. Forgive them. They are already suffering till their last breath. Because Prince Charles is still Prince. Hahaha.

4. Never eat dosa with spoon and fork. (We think this is the number one reason the world wanted to end itself.)

5. If you are finding maps of countries or states, burn them. No need for boundaries. There is nothing called patriotism. Not required. We were test firing missiles all the time and forgot about diabetes. No need to prove that where you were born is the best place in the whole world when you had no control over that fact.

6. If you are male, try the following two things with a woman.

a. Look into her eyes while talking

b. Win an argument.

If you are able to achieve any/all of this means please leave a record for the future generations.

7. Test cricket is dying. Save it.

8. If you find grammar-nazis, kidnap them. Learn from them, but don’t let them out on the streets.

9. Don’t wear shoes (especially sports shoes) without socks. Ever.

10. We used to make fun of people based on what they read. I mean, ladies were reading books that nobody has even heard of, man! Where they found such books we didn’t know. And the tragedy in those books, uff! Too much crying. But it was so much fun making fun.

11. They used to make fun of people based on what book they followed. It was not fun. Better you avoid such things.

12. You don’t have to be honest all the time. If you break a neighbour’s window while playing cricket, run.

13. If you like someone means tell them. You never know when the world will end again. Even if it does not end, somebody will make a stupid movie out of the story and will call it 'love story of the millennium’ etc etc. Better to avoid such complications.

14. Don’t put emotional status message updates. Somebody will say 'k’ and you will think they are insensitive and you will be more emotionally upset.

15. Laugh. This is easier said than done only, but the world itself has ended and you are still around. What more reason you want to laugh at everything thrown at you?

Yours truly,

Love thy objects

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 13:00:35 +0530

It’s ok, boss. Don’t act too smart and call me superstitious. Everybody is attached to things ok? No no, not like attached to limbs and all. That everybody is. I mean the objects. Simply don’t keep on seeing rationale in everything.

Not every object becomes close to you just like, right? Only some objects give you the privilege of being in love with them. And only some of them are interested in your secrets.

Like the study table. Name only study table. You think studies happened at the table? Nothing like that. Only day-dreaming happened. Till date, it only knows how much of the marks I got in the exam was actually deserved. The only reason that table is still sitting in the house is because it cannot talk. There is a reason such objects don’t talk. Because if they talk means, that’s all, total honour gone for a toss.

Or take the vehicle. Boss, my mother has no idea I can use so many bad words like that! But the vehicle has a complete list of bad words I have used so creatively on other people while going on the road.

Forget bad words at others, you know how many conversations I have had with myself? Some days I am talking to myself and playing one entire movie on the vehicle - full comedy, tragedy, song sequence, everything in one journey.

Sometimes this vehicle will think I am talking to it and in protest of my argument, it will simply stop in the middle of the road. After a couple of relationship-based bad words at the inanimate object, things will be normal again and I will get moving.

Vehicle at least we can sell off or replace once it is starting to put too much repairs. But how will anyone know when to replace the underwear?! (I am talking about the decent underwear, not the dirty one.)

So the best thing to do is to keep on using it until a hole starts appearing. Then suddenly, the love for that underwear increases. So keep on wearing until the hole becomes bigger and bigger. And this love will spread to other torn clothes as well.

I don’t know why the brain thinks like that, but the torn clothes are the most comfortable clothes to be wearing. It is publicly visible (the hole), but still without any hesitation, I am wanting to wear it.

Mother will want to tear it out and use it in the kitchen, but no chance! That dress still has some more life in it yaar! Anyway, we are inside the house only no? Why waste? But after some days, that logic also goes away and suddenly I am roaming around the street to the nearby shop in the torn dress. See, I know the dress is torn somewhere, but nobody else knows no? Then why bother? Let me wear it for some more days.

Anyway, we are not that posh to keep changing dress just like that. As it is, the waist line is conducting a graduation ceremony every few months, on top of that if we have to replace the dress so frequently means how? Or they should give expiry date for such things. Even then we will not be changing, because these things are holding more secrets than anybody else in this world.

See attachment to objects and all have plenty of reason and logic ok? Objects come with a purpose and they will be leaving us only if the purpose is fully completed. Whether you have seen Lord of the Rings or not? Certain things if anyone takes them away means that’s all, life will stop only (MP3 player and iPhone and all not counted). The emotional trauma of the loss will be so much ki, it will give many sleepless nights and all. What if some black magic fellow made that object talk? What if this object suddenly started talking and telling all strange truths about me? Better to take care of it with love and affection and maintain it carefully.

No way I can let go of that blanket.

Keep the change but you won't find it

Thu, 08 Nov 2012 12:42:51 +0530

This is beginning to get funny. On one hand, from the childhood, they are saying ki change is coming change is coming, you must be geared to face the change etc etc. On the other hand, there are these worst fellows who are saying ki ‘Oh tradition is getting spoilt. We must not let things change! etc etc’.

Relax boss, both of you. Let me tell you something. From the childhood till today, we are waiting, but where is the change??

After school they said college. Professor replaced teacher. After college they said work. Boss replaced professor. Then after first job. Worst boss replaced better boss. And then we even tried changing jobs and all, but… no way. Nothing is changing.

First we are looking at our parents and thinking ki, no way I am going to be like that. I am going to change everything around me and remove all the imperfections and make this a better place to live and all that BS, we will think. Home state, mother-tongue (that too if you are migrant means that’s all, total hatred for the mother-tongue only), religion, caste etc everything we will ridicule when we are young.

First opposition we will put is, total ridicule of the arranged marriage. All the friends will even agree ki it is 'such a lame concept’ and all that. And yet, when you grow up these matrimony websites are having millions of registered accounts, that too operated by the parents only. Ok leave it, this, people are doing out of parents’ compulsion and so not doing it voluntarily.

But after this only change will start changing.

From the baby days, we are looking for change, but when you go to a new country or a new place, you want to go to a restaurant that serves you homely food in a 'traditional manner’ it seems. Boss, you only wanted change no? Then take it!

While at home, nobody wanted to be a part of the festival ritual. On festival holidays, you will run away to play cricket instead of staying with the family and then when you are away from home, you are missing home and you want to take part in all the rituals.

But best moment of revelation comes when suddenly, from being the most boring dish, curd rice becomes the 'best dish in the whole world!!!!!’. Add one more statement like 'tender coconut is the coolest drink ever!’ and any talk of 'permanent change’ is a myth from now on.

You could have pretended you hated your mother-tongue when you were young and spoken only in English with your family people and all, but suddenly you will be feeling attachment to some guy from your state who has done something proud for the country (like winning Olympics or securing a H1B or securing a train ticket using IRCTC website).

Then suddenly <language-religion> or <language-caste> becomes a cool word and you will even put it in all your profile descriptions, along with your favourite traditional food item or beverage.

Now that’s it. Flood gates are open. To hell with change.

Ladies will start dressing exactly like how their mother was dressing. Best is gents. Hair color and hair style will change but the amount of hair on head will be just like that on the father. You are thinking you are different from your father because you are more adventurous and left home to work somewhere, but sorry boss, father also did exactly the same thing when he was young. Father went to office without tucking in the shirt and went in Sandals. We are wearing shoes and tie and all and doing the same. Father used real pens and real files. We are using keyboard and computer files. That’s all. Everything else is the same.

Before you realise, this mysterious thing called 'change’ is nowhere to be seen.

And we are sitting and wondering how we are having a culture that is many centuries old.

Happy Diwali.

So much to be concerned about

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 12:25:00 +0530

Full confusion only. One minute everything is happy and the next minute the world looks like it is going to end. I think I want to pull my hair.

See, India beat Pakistan. Everybody (I mean some people in India, maybe some in Pakistan also) is celebrating. Then immediately they are showing some protest rally where some people are demanding a separate state and all. See now you tell whether to celebrate or feel sorry?

Whenever we are celebrating means, you are putting all the guilt in the head and saying ‘How can you celebrate when so much atrocities are happening around you?’. Immediately I am losing all the high.

I don’t know boss. From the childhood this only big problem. When I am laughing out loudly means, the parents people are telling 'Don’t laugh too much. Don’t laugh loudly. Don’t laugh like that. Don’t laugh. Tomorrow you will cry. Etc etc’ means how? I think that is why secretly they invented short forms like lol, rofl and all so that it is not appearing like we are actually laughing too much. Tell me something, if I am crying too much means whether anyone is coming and telling 'Don’t cry too much, tomorrow you will end up laughing out loud. Be careful!’? No na? Then? Why this partiality against laughter?

Anyway. But why I should not do that is my only question. I should not have total fun itself, is it? 'Do you know how many people are suffering in the world right now? Have you ever thought of it?’ you are asking .

Correct boss, even I am angry at all the bullshit happening in the world. I will even go out of my way to make a difference and like a page and forward SMS to 11 people within 24 hours. But what more you want me to do? And more importantly why you are telling me all this only when I am happy and jolly? Your only aim is to make me feel guilty is it? How can you expect one person be concerned about so many things in the world?

See, just now everybody got angry about corruption and did protest march and all. I also got angry. Just watching all that itself made me tired. Then some nuclear based protest happened and I again got angry. Then some demand for separate sta..arey! How many times to get angry yaar? Give some rest, no? Sometimes I must also be happy and take a break na? Absolutely no concern about the world, you are accusing. Even if I care, for that also you will say, 'Oho, suddenly you are an expert in this topic, is it? Where were you all these days?’ Boss, first you decide what you want to accuse me of.

Yes, the world is full of problems only. Something is happening somewhere and you want us to do something about it means what to do? Who will look after our families? We are also middle-class people only no?

For that only we have elected and put certain people in certain places to do certain things. If they are not doing their jobs, and you want us to take action against them because they are not taking any action against the atrocity means who will do my job here? Whether you will come and do? What logic is this?

Ok, agreed. I am not buying products that are using child labour. I am not encouraging cruelty to animals. I am not spoiling the environment. I am not cheating. I am not stealing. I am putting vote in all the elections. I am paying my taxes regularly. Still what more you want me to do?

We are also having so many problems in life, ok? Severe water shortage in our apartment. Everyday we have to wake up early to store water. And then they are plucking away electricity every day, hiding it somewhere and giving it back just before we die, so that they can play this game with us for one more day. Back problem is coming because of terrible roads. Elevator is not working properly. Cafeteria food is so horrible.

Now you tell me who is protesting on my behalf for all this? Head is going to explode only.