The Frum Woman’s Handshake

"Shake my hand." I say to my husband

"Huh?" he replies. We don't usually shake each other's hand as a greeting.

"I need to practice" I say. "For the interview."

He looks worried.

"Because it's a woman who’ll be interviewing me." I explain. “They said her name is Ilana. I"ll actually be able to shake her hand, so I want to check my handshake is ok”

He still looks rather confused. "What's the big deal?"

"Everyone knows there's a lot they learn about you from your handshake. It's very psychological." I should know, I’ve been reading enough online posts about how to prepare for an interview. (Tip: don't say your biggest weakness is hating routine boring work.)

I’ve shaken hands with someone perhaps once in my life. I've spent my last thirteen years making excuses for why I can't shake hands with men, an art form mastered by most Frum women.

We know the hold cellphone/drink/notebook in each hand trick, the sneeze into your hand and hold dirty tissues trick, the nod and smile before he has a chance to stretch his hand technique, and when all fails the " I'm sorry but I don't shake hands with men" explanation. But that's a last resort that risks offending; we try not to let it get that far.

Basically we Orthodox women are adept at how not to shake hands, but unfamiliar with how to actually shake someone's hand, should we so wish. ( Maybe that should be my excuse next time. "I'm sorry, but I don't know how to")

Being interviewed by a woman is a new occurrence. ( And perhaps reflective of the state of women's career paths in the Israeli workplace?)

I stretch out my left hand. My husband reaches out and holds it. We shake.

“How was I?” I ask

“Fine”, he says.

“Not too limp? Not too firm?”

“Maybe a bit too strong. You shouldn’t be trying to move my hand.”

“Oh.” I say. We try again

“How was that?”

“You're fine,” he says, “can we have dinner now?”

------
“Hi, I'm Ilana.”

“Pleased to meet you" I say.

We both smile. I wait.

“Would you like a drink? Or shall we get started"

No hand appears on the horizon. Maybe at the end?

------
"It was a pleasure meeting you, FNF."

“Same here.” We both smile. Again I wait.

“Here, I'll show you out.”

I don't believe it. After all that. When I finally can.

Maybe handshaking doesn't even happen anymore? Maybe it’s an archaic custom of a bygone era, sustained in only by orthodox female paranoia?

Bye Bye Shidduch Resume, Hello Career Resume

Now that I've quit my evening job (shidduch dating, for the uninitiated) , I've been able to give a lot more thought to my day job.

That and the fact that suddenly mortgages and bills are eating up a major chunk of what used to seem like a generous enough salary (when all it needed to pay for were clothes).
I've discovered that there aren't that many employment opportunities in Jerusalem in my field. And have started emailing out my (non shidduch) resume to companies all over the country.

If I start commuting I could probably make a significantly higher salary. (yippee)

But then I'll have to pay for a car. There goes the pay raise. (boo hoo)

But I'd have a car. (yippee)

But I'd have at least one hour less time a day. (boo hoo)

I GChat with a former colleague. She's married with a kid. She's quit her job after having a baby, and has been trying to get back into the workforce for more than a year. She has a great resume, and impressive skills. And she's still jobless.

"They all ask me how I plan on balancing work and family life" She tells me. "Then they hire a man instead of me."

It's there, but you can never prove it, never blacklist or sue.

Companies will prefer to hire a single man than a woman with kids. And what if the man has kids? That's OK, because everyone knows men can "compartmentalize". What if the woman is single or doesn't have kids? She can just get away with the sin of her sex. (Obviously there are women that break the rules. But I'm guessing many of them joined their companies while still childless.)

My friend claims that now's my last chance, if I want to change jobs. Now, when my stomach is flat, and I don't need to juggle daycare and long hours.

On the other hand job security will be a big plus when I do eventually enter that beautiful state of nausea and hormonal madness, and want to take sick leave for checkups, and extended maternity leaves. The job security I'll lose if I leave.

It's the best of times and the worst of times- for a career change that is.

Ambitions

"What are your plans for this year?" That would be my boss talking. He looks at me expectantly.

The answer is obvious. The words flash in my mind, as if spelled out in neon light bulbs on the top of a store front window.

"Finish my novel."

Wrong answer. There's no way I can say that. He doesn't even know I'm writing a novel.

"My plans?" Stalling for time is always an option.

"How do you want to develop this year?" He doesn't shift his gaze from my face.

I take it "Finally get a driving license" is also out? How about "Work on my Middos"? Does that count as development?

I spend a hefty chunk of my day here, between four office walls. I shouldn't just be killing time, waiting to leave, to date, to write.

"I'd like more responsibility." I mumble. "And more opportunities for creativity."

Yeah that sounds passably professional.

Last year the answer I bit back was "Get married." I really should start preparing for these meetings.

The Real Me

Did you know I'm an irreverent dissenter? I think it's super cool. First time I've been mentioned in the same line as a pervert too.

In reply to the concerned comments, here and over at Bad4Shidduchim, I'd like to reassure my devoted fans (well OK then, my happenstance readers who googled "frum + phone + sex" and stumbled upon me instead) . My last post on the work-date dichotomy is not to be taken too seriously. I exxagerated. Poetic license.

I do act myself on dates. The question is, what is myself? The work me certainly isn't. I'm not into technology, and put my hands over my ears when my friends mention anything to do with computers ("I'm trying to chill here folks!") I prefer classic understatement and modesty to showing off and self marketing. I'm totally into going with the flow and detest schedules and charts. I resort to intuition over logic. It's only now that I'm learning how to direct people, and get things done my way. I have absolutely no desire to marry a husband that will follow my lead (No I don't want him to boss me around either, I'm looking for a marriage of equals) And the list goes on and on.

So maybe I should "be myself" at work? Nah, I like the pay. And I'm pretty good at it. If learning the moves is what it takes, so be it.

I'll probably be crucified, but I see the work world as a man's world. While I'm a woman, and I love it. Call me a post feminist. Proud to be different. Proud to be a woman.

And I believe in femininity. Come on girls, have you never had a guy wrapped around your little finger? Isn't it fun?

O.K, I admit it, my efficient side does shine through sometimes. I call museums/cafes/parks before every single date to check they are really open. Ever since the time a taxi driver turned off the meter and surfed up and down Emek Refaim street with me, in search of the restaurant where I was supposed to meet my date. Finally we figured out my romantic venue was actually a building site. Renovations. Try waiting by a dusty lot, dressed to the nines, surrounded by Arab laborers. Sometimes it's not good to rely on guys.

A Working Girl

Career girl and Shidduch Maidel- two diametric opposites.

After a day at the office, getting dressed up for a date isn't enough. A major personality switch is needed too.
I lock the screen, pull off my ID card, breathe in, breathe out, and shift gears. Body language, tone of voice, that changes automatically. Next comes the attitude.

Work: Get across that you’re wrong, and I'm right, without actually saying so. It should be obvious that my idea is the one we should use, how could you ever suggest otherwise.
Date: Give the impression I think you're amazing and brilliant. I totally agree with everything you say. In fact you're what I've been looking for my whole life.

Work: Be assertive, without raising my voice. Sound firm and uncompromising.
Date: Be soft, pliant and feminine. Flutter eyelashes occasionally. I don't know how I ever managed without you, opening doors is just so hard on my own.

Work: Sell myself. Do nothing without proper recognition and reward. Rattle off past years achievements and accomplishments to management.
Date: Be modest. Nothing I do can compare to your Torah learning. I think it's incredible that you've been in Yeshiva your whole life, while all lowly women like I can do is have kids, housekeep and make a living.

Work: Take control. Get stuff ticking. Don't wait for problems to solve themselves.
Date: Be laid back, easy going, chilled. Whatever happens, happens. I know I can trust you to take care of things.

Work: Show off technical know-how at every opportunity. Litter conversation with technical terms and the latest buzz words.
Date: Don't admit to knowledge or interest in any technical or scientific field. It's not feminine.


Work: Be brief and to the point.
Date: Milk a story for all it's worth, I've got another couple of hours to burn here with you.

Work: Try to sound brainy. The smarter the better.
Date: Don't want to sound nerdy. Smart is not cool.

Work: Avoid mentioning religion, it's controversial and not politically correct.
Date: Do pepper conversation with declarations of faith in the Lord (Baruch Hashem! Beezrat Hashem!) and the latest in Yeshivish slang. Make it clear how frum you are.


It's a Jekyll and Hyde thing. No wonder the frum world doesn't want women to have careers. Pity they also want us to support our husbands in learning. You can't have it both ways.