It's my hair, I swear!

I'm tired of sticking my hair under the shower head, rinsing off the shampoo, pulling through a comb, stepping outside, and having to prove to the world that, no, I'm not wearing a wig, and yes, it's my own hair.

If it looks good- it's obviously a top of the range wig.
If you're having a bad hair day- it must be you're wearing last year's wig, which got singed while you were slaving over the kitchen stove.
Whatever I do to my hair, whatever look I pick- long, short, straight, curly - people keep on assuming it’s a wig!
I thought of going for the green hair with spikes look, but I doubt that would help. Don't Purim wigs look something like that?

"What’s your maiden name?" Asks the random lady I've just met and am making small talk with, in the hopes she'll set me up with the love of my life.

"Do you have kids?" asks the old classmate I bump into in town.

I guess if 90% of the Charedi female population over 19 is wandering around in a wig, there's no reason for them to think I am any different. Probably it's the same in L.A with nose jobs.

"It's because you look and act like an adult", explains one married friend. Adult = Married?

"It's because you wear your hair down", explains another. Single = Ponytail? No, the ponytail Shaitel is in. Maybe braids?
(Yet she does have a point. On those days where I venture out in a ponytail, the question at Kiddushes changes to "Have you finished school?", and in Israel, school does NOT mean college. Then, instead of clarifying that I don't have kids, I get to relate that I've finished high school, AND finished seminary, AND graduated from college, and am now working. All the time seeing the "18 + 1 + ? + ?" additions going on in my questioner's head, with them unsuccessfully attempting to work out how old I actually am.)

So much talk about married women being mistaken for free-as-the-wind, but the singles-in-shaitels phenomena is much more worrying! Who will think to set us up, if we are already married? Shidduchim for adulterers haven't as yet caught on, as far as I know.

I think I've found the true cause of the "Shidduch crisis".

Anyway, this Lag Baomer, I want to have a singles wig-burning-bonfire. Come, and bring a (hopefully male and eligible) friend! I've invited the dudes from the Meah Shearim to help out, they have a lot of experience.

Meanwhile I've come to terms with my married status. Hey, the store keepers are calling me "Gveret"! That's a plus!

Underground Independence Day

Charedim are anti Zionist, right? I mean everyone knows that.

So how come black hats have been spotted, near picnic tables and grilling meat?! This on Yom Ha'azmaut itself, no less. Perhaps they got the date mixed up with Lag Ba'omer? Let us be Dan LeKaf Zchus.

Casual investigation amongst friends turns up the fact that the majority of us celebrated Y.A this Wednesday, with the traditional family BBQ.

Me: "So, we had this party, well actually a BBQ, everyone's on vacation you see.."

Her: "Oh, us too. We do every year. Just because of it being a vacation, of course.."

This year we even invited the neighbors, him a black hatted Kollel Avreich and all. We were a trifle scared of ruining my Shidduch reputation, but decided to risk it. They were keen on the idea, and promised to still say I'm Charedi, the next time someone calls to "find out" about me.

I wonder if this is going on in the heart of Bnai Brak too? It's certainly happening in the best neighborhoods in Jerusalem (minus Meah Shearim that is)

In fact, not even the Shtarkest of Seminaries is safe from this scourge. I remember when I climbed onto the roof of my Seminary on the Eve of Y.A, in Shana Aleph, after hearing lectures against Hertzl and his buddies all day. (No, I had no plans to jump, I just wanted to see the fireworks better.) There I found a group of Shana Bet girls, no less. (For the unitiated, Shana Bet is when you become genuinely hardcore vs. the first year's lightly brainwashed.) They were holidng little paper Magen Dovid flags, and were in the midst of cool Y.A rooftop picnic...

I have a great idea for next Yom Ha'Atzmaut, for all the poor genuine anti-Zionist Charedim, who haven't been invited to any BBQs. They can go on BBQ hunts, with the cry of "burn the infidels". This kind of travesty really shouldn't be permitted in our midst.

On the Road

Take 1.
I feel his breath on my neck. I shift position, so that his thigh isn't pressed against mine. His arm is raised, grasping the rubber grip handing from the ceiling. As the bus circles the hillside, we tilt slightly, I grip the floor with my feet, close to falling into the circle of his arms.
At least the guy behind me is cute. An old and entirely unappealing man stands in front of me. Bulging out in every direction. Wearing an old pair of pants that keeps slipping down. We are close enough for me to count the bristles on his chin. As the bus comes to a sudden halt, he falls back into me.

Cut. Take 2.
"So tell me, don't datiyot have boy friends?"
"No."
"Chamuda, you're not looking for a boy friend?"
"No. "
"We could have a lot of fun together you know."
"That's the address. Thanks."
I give him the fare and get out, slamming the cab door behind me.

And the list can go on and on.
Did you know that it's not modest for women to drive? Women attract too much attention behind the wheel.
Plus if women learned to drive, they won't need men to drive them. That's not a good idea. Women should rely on men for all things in life, aside from Chas VeChalila earning a living.
Buses and Cabs are a much more Tznius way of getting around for a frum girl.
Heck, even hitchhiking, why not?