Four Plus an Angel

Life after loss with one teenager, two surviving triplets and a rainbow baby

When the world did not stop

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If you've suffered a life-changing tragedy you have a date, maybe two or three where the world was supposed to stop but it didn't. Where you were looking out your car window or down the 8th floor waiting room hallway and wondering how these people were functioning as if this were any other day. How were they pushing the gas pedal or filing their paperwork or tapping the vending machine without a bucket of tears and an unavoidable urge to curl up somewhere and disappear? Every year when we celebrate Hadley's life on the anniversary of her death I travel through the day pretty sure our family has some kind of advertisement on the outside of our vehicle telling the world we aren't just Continue Reading

The only way through

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grief over the years

Years ago when I saw a therapist regularly she often reminded me that I needed to feel my way through all the feelings of losing a child. She said if I pushed away the grief or tried to stifle the urge to cry I would never get through those miserable days of searing pain. They would keep returning-- the intense emotions resurfacing until I buckled to them, acknowledged just how much they sucked, then pulled a pillow over my head or cried a good shower cry. She used to say "the only way out is through" and it became my mantra too. Those first few years after losing Hadley I told myself this often. When I woke up with a physical ache, pressed in the shape of her head against my chest, I Continue Reading

12 Books you should read this year

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I use to be pretty good at getting a post out of my favorite books two or three times a year. Now I'm lucky to get a post up about anything two or three times a year. If I'm not writing I'm living right? Or something more along the lines of reading everyone else's books, getting to the end, sighing then telling myself I could never write a novel that good. I've read a ton the last year or so a lot of them were "meh" books. Lately though I've read books that I want to hand out to anyone who talks to me for more than 30 seconds. I sat at my son's basketball game this morning, hoping I was clapping for the right things, while trying to discern whether the woman next to me would appreciate a Continue Reading

Parenting through the in between years of childhood

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With my youngest now seven, I can open the door to our car and my kids all just get in and when I cook dinner there's a decent chance I'll get to eat it while it's hot. My kids are all aging out of the neediest* part of their childhood and as much as I worried about them getting older I have to say I'm loving it. (*Quick clarification: physically needy, not emotionally needy, the hormonal years are staring us down.) There is so much complaining to do about parenthood when our kids are young and we all do it because it's part of keeping our sanity above sea level but there are also a million perks that fly past our blurry eyed-selves until they're gone and we're begging them back. We Continue Reading

Not Alone in the Universe

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We went to see Suessical last weekend. In case you don't know the storyline it's about Horton, an elephant with a big imagination, who connects to a Who named JoJo with an imagination the same size. JoJo lives in Whoville, a town the size of a spec on a clover, so no one believes Horton when he tells them the Whos exist. The musical tells the story of believing in yourself and how having just one person who believes in you too, whether they're larger than life or the tiniest spec, can pull you through. Parker is singing "Alone in the Universe," one of the songs from Suessical, for an upcoming audition. It's the song where Horton and JoJo both sing about being misunderstood but ultimately Continue Reading

Holiday Clothing Drive 2016

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This will be the fourth year I've hosted the Holiday Clothing Drive. I had to skip 2015 because life and sanity, but missing a year seemed to make our whole family even more anxious to get back to it for 2016. Plus the kids are two years older so I have more people to help me not screw up the mile-long spread sheet I'll have halfway through this. Together, we've clothed over 150 kids for the holidays and I would love to double that number this year. Here's how it works: Families who are in need of gently used dress clothes for their kids for the holidays but can't afford them this year are matched with gently used holiday clothing donated by other families. I also welcome donations of gift Continue Reading

What you hang on to after losing a child

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preemie holding finger

There is an unexplainable hollowness that comes with losing a child. I've heard loss moms explain it as a hole in their heart or an empty feeling. I've searched for words to do it justice but haven't found one yet. You grow a child and birth them and before you see how their hair touches their shoulders or if their laugh turns into yours they're drifting away and you're holding the tiniest thread of what you once had. To survive you tell yourself they're holding this thread too, through pinched together fingers or a chubby fist or the growing hands you've imagined. Some days you might be the only one remembering, or at least it feels that way. On those days you need reassurance that the Continue Reading

On being a perfect parent

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Sawyer is our wiggliest sleeper. Family dinner conversations often turn into debates over what he's doing in his sleep. Votes vary but we're pretty sure he dreams of marathon running, sheet origami, soccer drills or tae kwon do. His sleep habits are in direct disagreement with his need for someone close all. the. time. Born the youngest of five, 20 months after his older siblings, this child has never been alone -- I'm not sure he realizes it's an option. When Mark was out of town last week I caved and piled the kids into our bed. As Sawyer tried to drift to sleep he began treating me like a blanket. Once my head folded parallel to my shoulder I whispered that maybe we should try a body Continue Reading

Like the boys

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On Friday I took the kids to see "Alice Through the Looking Glass." Parker had been counting down the days until its release and unbeknownst to me, debating on what costume to wear to the movie theater since we first saw the trailer. He came downstairs ready for the show wearing an orange wig and the Mad Hatter hat he worked so hard to purchase this year. I got choked up when I saw him because I'm so proud of this kid and how he owns who he is. Growing up I was an incredibly self-conscious child and no matter how badly I wanted to wear a pink wig while imitating Jem on the sidewalk it was not going to happen, someone might laugh. As they usually do, his siblings followed suit and Continue Reading

My children’s book for preemies is here!

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The first time my kids emptied out their big sister's books and made small towers of their reading selections they all still fit in my lap and there was no pressure to encourage anyone to sound out anything. Looking back this was such a luxury but I'm sure at the time I was wishing someone's head wasn't smushing my nose into my face while pinning my head to the couch. They chose a book with mice climbing a family tree on the cover, Ashlyn's name listed right under the title "On the Day You Were Born." I squeezed them all close, preparing to flashback to their newborn days as I walked through their sister's. But as we turned the pages, not a single one applied to their rocky Continue Reading

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