Today my wife and I are celebrating the arrival of a new grandson, Malcom Owen Rhamey, born to our son and his wife yesterday. So another human story is ready to be writ on this wiggling bit of tabula rasa, and we couldn't be happier.
I did look at BookBub items for a flogging, but just didn't find anything interesting or inviting enough to spend time on. So join me in celebration of a birth, submit your first chapter for flogging, and have a fine day.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter from Let Us Prey. Should this author have hired an editor?
When you work as a private detective, there are two things that are certain; you’ll be bored nearly to death by a long stakeout, and you’ll have to pee at some time during that stakeout. I was approaching the “have to pee” stage when my cell phone rang.
“Speak to me.”
“Nice, very professional,” Charles said.
“I try. What’s up?”
“I’ve got Jackie coming to relieve you. I have sort of an emergency at the office. The client is on her way now.” There was an undertone to Charles’s voice that put me on alert.
Before I could respond, he hung up.
I’m Mimi Capurro, and I own Gotcha Detective Agency. We’re a fledgling agency on the Central Coast of California. I’m a former Secret Service agent. I left the job to start a family with my husband, Dominic, but the family plans hit a major road block when Dominic died in a plane crash a year after we married. Gotcha is my way of trying to move on, and I’ve put all of my time and energy into growing the business. Some days are easier than others.
Charles Parks is my right-hand man. He’s from the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey, California. I met him while I was protecting a former first lady. Charles is not only one of my best friends, but he’s a genius with computers, business, and defense.
This book averaged 4.3 out of 5 stars on Amazon. The writing is fine, and the voice is likable. So let’s look for tension, for story questions. First story question: how will she be able to pee? Second story question: will Jackie get there in time to relieve her so she can relieve herself. These story questions may be compelling for Mimi because she needs to pee, but not so much for me.
And then, after introducing this dilemma to stir up we readers, what happens? We dive into an info dump. Writers, this is not something you want to do when trying to engage a reader, IMO. Interesting things happen later, but I would never get there. For some people, the touch of humor in the voice might be enough to get a page-turn, but not me. What do you think about the need for an editor?
Head on over to Writer Unboxed today to see finalists in the Writer Unboxed "compelling narrative" contest and vote. There are some fun entries. Click here.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue from Traitor’s Masque. Should this author have hired an editor?
No expense was spared, at least not where anyone could see. Black velvet shrouded the gold-inlaid casket, cloaked the silent forms of the pallbearers, and muffled the hooves of the matched sable cobs that drew the funeral caisson. Despite the cold of winter, crimson roses fell in a blanket over the coffin’s lid, strewed the cobblestones with their petals, and nestled fashionably in the arms of the grieving family.
The wake had been lavish and well attended, more out of curiosity and avarice than fond memory. Lord Percival Colbourne had begun with money and ended with more, well on the way to realizing his dream of building a merchant empire. Though his fortunes had suffered of late from the political climate, he had remained both a prominent figure in commerce and a notably doting father until the last moments of his regrettably shortened life. But when the usually hale Lord Percival succumbed suddenly to ague, he left behind far more of interest to the world than he took from it. Four unprotected women were his legacy, women now in mourning, but all with a potential share in the wealth and prospects of a rich and influential man.
Lady Malisse Colbourne was his widow, a petite blonde beauty nearer thirty than forty. She seemed far too young, too delicate, and too innocent to have not one but two daughters approaching marriageable age. Anya and Darya, fourteen and thirteen, as blonde and blue-eyed as their mother, were considered heirs to both her impeccable form and her exquisite sense of (snip)
This series averaged 4.7 out of 5 stars on Amazon. It’s billed as a “reimagining” of the Cinderella story. The writing, imagery, and vice are top-notch, I think. It certainly does a good job of setting the scene and the world of the story. But, for me, it lacks heart.
By lacking heart, I mean a character that I connect with. As far as this opening goes, it’s basically a well done info dump. But there was a character waiting just a few lines on that I would have been happy to see and read more of. For me, if the author had included the following part from just a little later in the narrative, I’d have turned the page for sure. Because of the skill of the writer, I will be reading more (the nice part about a free book). See what you think, a poll accompanies it.
Trystan Embrie Colbourne had thrown herself onto the caisson with the casket and refused to be moved. Her chestnut curls were snarled and her face was a wreck of redness and tears, but she pressed it to the cold black lid with a scandalous ferocity of grief. Her father, friend, and only family was dead, and the world was without light or color.
For me, the addition of that snippet brings a sympathetic character into the story, someone who faces trouble ahead. Cutting down on some of the initial exposition to include this, or even perhaps starting with the girl throwing herself on the casket, could have made a much more gripping opening. What do you think about the need for an editor?
Get on over to Writer Unboxed today for a change to win a Freewrite. All the rules are there, but it's simple: you have today to submit, via comments, a 200-word opening to a novel, new work encouraged. There will be polling on Thursday for the finalists via polls like you see here on FtQ. I'm one of the two judges, and this could be fun.
Today’s flog is of the introductory book in a series I’ve read but hadn’t critiqued. More on this after you’ve dealt with the first page.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter from The Emporer’s Edge. Should this author have hired an editor?
Note: an alternative with another poll follows my comments on this page.
Corporal Amaranthe Lokdon paced. Her short sword, night stick, and handcuffs bumped and clanked at her thighs with each impatient step. Enforcer Headquarters frowned down at her, an ominous gray cliff of a building that glowered at the neighborhood like a turkey vulture, except with less charisma.
Amaranthe drew her pocket watch and checked the time. Where was her partner?
At the soft squeak of boots on snow, she looked up. A narrow side street expelled a squat, burly man in enforcer grays. Morning light glinted against the large brass rank pins crowding his collar: four bars under two crossed swords, the mark of a district chief.
Amaranthe fought back a grimace and straightened, heels clicking together. The chief’s dark gaze latched onto her from beneath shaggy gray eyebrows that crashed in the middle when he scowled. He was scowling now.
She swallowed. “Good morning, Chief Gunarth.”
“Lokdon,” he growled. “Does the city pay you to loiter in front of headquarters? Because if the capital city of the Turgonian Empire, the most powerful nation in the world, pays its enforcers to loiter uselessly in front of my headquarters building, I’d think somebody would have mentioned it to me.”
Amaranthe opened her mouth to give him an obedient “yes, sir.” Or was it a “no, sir”?
This novel averaged 4.4 out of 5 stars on Amazon. It will be interesting to see if this first page will be able to pull you into reading more of what I found, when I discovered it some months ago. As for this first page, the writing is just fine, and the action introduces what appears to be a likable character. It would appear that she’s in a little trouble . . . and that’s the problem. There doesn’t seem to be much at stake here, nothing other than being dressed down by a superior officer. I wouldn’t have turned the page.
Instead, I was drawn into this steampunk world with a saucy, delightful protagonist by the blurb on Amazon:
Imperial law enforcer Amaranthe Lokdon is good at her job: she can deter thieves and pacify thugs, if not with a blade, then by toppling an eight-foot pile of coffee canisters onto their heads. But when ravaged bodies show up on the waterfront, an arson covers up human sacrifices, and a powerful business coalition plots to kill the emperor, she feels a tad overwhelmed.
I’ll tell you how good this is—the freebie I downloaded had the first three novels in a series of nine. Little to risk. However, after I read them, I paid for book 4, and enjoyed it as much. Today, reminded of this heroine and her fascinating world and gang of characters, I’ve just bought the fifth book in the series.
So below is an alternative opening taken from later in the chapter. See if you think it’s more likely to get you to turn the page.
Amaranthe strode through the shop’s front door. Barrels and canisters cluttered the aisles, and stuffed shelves rose from floor to ceiling on each wall. The scent of tea leaves and coffee beans from distant parts of the world soared above the pervading smell of smoke. Her strongbox open, the merchant was clutching a stack of bills. Her eyes brightened when she saw Amaranthe’s uniform.
Two men towered over the shopkeeper. The huge brutes were only a couple feet shorter than the floor-to-ceiling stack of coffee tins fronting the aisle behind them.
“Well, well,” one man said, nudging his cohort, “it looks like a girl enforcer. We’re very concerned.”
His comrade snickered. Scars lined the faces of both men. Swords hung in belt scabbards, the hilts’ sweat-stained leather wrappings evidence of frequent use. One thug shifted to reveal a flintlock pistol aimed at the merchant. Apparently, he did not consider Amaranthe enough of a threat to warrant switching his target. Indignation flared and her hand twitched toward her sword. She caught herself before she acted foolishly. After all, it was better not to have a weapon pointed at her chest.
“Gentlemen,” Amaranthe said, “this robbery is over. If you put down your weapons and submit to being detained, perhaps I can speak to the magistrate on your behalf. Your possession (snip) /p>
Submissions sought.Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.
Melissa sends the first chapter of a historical novel, The Lost Life of Trudi Koenig. The rest of the chapter follows the break.
October, 1945
Lincoln, Nebraska
Winter was coming. That afternoon, as she rode her bicycle to the bakery where she worked, Trudi felt its warning in the gray clouds slicing the sky and in the ominous chill cutting through her scarf. Her instinct, honed by years of living in war-torn Berlin, demanded she prepare for the coming season and start hoarding food, fuel, blankets, and whatever else she needed. Yet here, people were out raking leaves and cleaning gutters, putting fat pumpkins and bundles of dried cornstalks on their front porches and cooling apple pies on window sills.
But they hadn’t experienced hunger and cold like she had. They hadn’t crouched in a bombed out building thick with frost and scrounged for scraps of bread, or boiled bones for the fourth time to try and coax some kind of broth out of them. They hadn’t run in terror when more Allied planes dropped their bombs. Americans didn’t know what war was really like.
Panic twisted inside her. And she, who had survived the war by some miracle, knew exactly what it was like. And how was she preparing for the coming winter? By leaving the safety and security of Max’s home. How stupid could she be?
From somewhere, a surge of rebellion rose in her. “Not stupid,” she muttered. Determined. Motivated. The desire to be independent, to live her own life again on her terms, was not a stupid goal. It was a necessary one. No more relying on others for handouts, for protection and safety. She needed to know she could do this, that she could live a life without (snip)
I like the writing here. and the narrative definitely introduces a strong, likable character. It promises an interesting look at a key time in our history, and a look at the life of a refugee from Germany. Yeah, it opens with the weather, but the narrative quickly makes it matter in the world of the character. But is it compelling, or mostly interesting?
I think there’s a way to do a stronger job of engaging the reader. Below is a “first page” taken from later in the chapter. I think this could serve as the opening and then, after she leaves work with a problem threatening her, the earlier information could be woven in as she prepares to deal with this new threat. A poll follows. See what you think.
Trudi sat at the bakery’s long wood work table, adding sugar violet roses and swirls of piped icing to a batch of vanilla petit fours when Gretchen came sailing through the swinging door that led to the front of the store.
“There’s a man here to see you.”
She set down the icing tube and tried to stem the unease blooming in her chest.
“Who is it?”
Gretchen shrugged. “I don’t know. Never seen him before.”
“What does he want?”
“He didn’t say. Sheesh. Why don’t you just go talk to him?”
It was easy for the American girl not to take this seriously when she’d never had the ‘privilege’ of living in Nazi Germany and knowing that men who came by unannounced seldom had good news – or good intentions.
The old trepidation and fear returned. In truth, it never left. She peeked through the swinging door and saw a reed-thin man, his black jacket sleeves straining to cover his wrists, standing in front of the glass cabinets with their empty shelves. His overcoat was slung over his arm, pants neatly pressed, shoes shined to perfection. Every inch of him screamed police.
Mein Gott. She shut the door and turned to Gretchen. “Tell him I’m not here.”
I like the looks of this story, and it would be great to read more.
Buy this book!A really fun read! So many aspects of society are held up to ridicule! How they deserve it! I love poor Patch so much I named my talking cat after him. I shouldn't say "poor" Patch. He seems perfectly capable of caring for himself. Such a good story I gave copies as gifts.
In the spirit of FtQ, here’s the first page. The rest of the chapter follows the break. The Amazon page is here.
Just after dark, death grabbed me by the tail. The moon was full, and the earthy scent of fall flavored a cool September breeze. My mind was on a svelte little Siamese who was coming into heat as I trotted over a mound of fresh dirt, not an uncommon thing in a graveyard―and a hand shot out of the ground and grabbed my rear extremity.
I twisted and went for it with my claws, but another hand burst out and seized the scruff of my neck―I went limp, just like when I was a kitten and my mom picked me up. The hands snapped my body straight, and then a woman’s face poked out of the earth. She sat up, holding me in front of her. I figured I was about to kiss my furry butt goodbye, and I was right.
Sort of.
The woman looked to be twenty-something. Dirty blond hair―with dirt, that is. Her bulging eyes were scary, but I forgot all about them when she put her mouth on my throat and bit. She got her teeth into my skin and I felt a warm rush of blood on my neck. She sucked and slurped. Strength and will drained out of me along with the sweet sauce of life.
I didn’t even have enough energy for regrets at my passing. Not that I had any―except maybe for the time I peed on my associate’s bed when she switched cat food without checking with me first. A petty thing to do to Amy, I admit.
Soon I was pretty spacey, just floating. The woman stopped her noshing and laid me on (snip)
I was weary last week and wrote of hanging up the whip. But a couple of really intelligent writers stepped up and submitted their work for a flogging. And it occurred to me that even if I mostly flog Bookbub books, writers can still learn from that—witness today’s episode. So I’ll keep on, but I do hope more writers will want a fresh eye cast upon their work.
So writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter from Carrots. Should this author have hired an editor?
My life changed that day because I didn’t have any carrots. I was driving home when the dark, threatening clouds that had been gathering all afternoon finally let loose, and it began to pour. It was April, so rain wasn’t unexpected, but it couldn’t have come at a worse time. All I wanted to do was go home and relax, but first I had to stop at the grocery store and pick up some carrots. I was planning on making chicken soup for dinner, but I didn’t have any carrots, and everyone knows you can’t make chicken soup without carrots.
Luckily, the grocery store was on my way home. I pulled into the parking lot, but all the close spots were taken, and I ended up parking so far away that I knew I’d get soaked. Did I really need those carrots? I turned off the engine and without the wipers going, I could barely see out the windshield. I waited a few minutes, hoping the rain would let up, but when it didn’t, I knew I’d have make a run for it.
Gathering my courage, I took a deep breath and jumped out of the car. I made a mad dash for the doors, and was nearly there when a massive puddle blocked my way. I was running too fast to stop, so I jumped. I barely made it over the center of the puddle before my feet splashed dirty water halfway up my pants and soaked my shoes. My breath caught at the sudden wetness and I stifled a curse. By the time I reached the doors, not only were my shoes completely drenched, but the splash made it look like I’d wet my pants.
This series averaged 4.3 out of 5 stars on Amazon. I wanted this one to work because of the likable voice and the good writing, and I liked the title, “Carrots.” The rant about needing carrots was humorous and fun. But is that enough? What does this first page serve up in terms of tension, story questions, and stuff like that. Virtually nothing.
The first line could have done something to create interest, but it’s too non-specific. Her life changed, but in what way? Did the change mean trouble for her? Is there something she has to do to deal with it? Hmm, nothing there.
And the story opens with the weather, usually considered a no-no. In this case, it is. As it turns out, the rain and her getting wet has absolutely nothing to do with what happens to her or the story. Nothing. So why is it here? The page drones on about her getting wet. The next page or so takes us shopping with her. Wow, that helped, because I’ve never shopped for groceries before, so that was refreshing and compelling.
Naturally, buried in the manuscript some time later is the stuff of story. In my view, with just a little setup, the story could have gotten to this on the first page, which for me is a page-turner. See what you think, a poll follows.
As she placed the bags into my shopping cart, somebody screamed. My heart skipped a beat, and I flinched when an earsplitting boom came from the area near the bank. I stared in astonished disbelief as a man fell heavily to the floor, blood oozing from his chest. As he fell, he grabbed the rubber mask from the face of the man beside him, and I realized that man had a gun.
Another shot went off, and everyone scattered for cover. Everyone except me. My brain seemed to be moving in slow motion, and I stood there with my mouth open like a dummy. How could something like this be happening in my grocery store? The man with the gun pivoted and saw me staring at him. His eyes blazed with demented zeal, and he fired.
I'm in the final throes of editing a 123,000-word, well-written novel--it's a good story and fun to read, but there was work to be done. I have repeat clients who are good writers that come to me for substantive editing with my natural tendency to copyedit thrown in.
I truly enjoy working with writers to make their stories realize their potential.
I miss doing that here. Submissions to the Flogometer have fallen drastically--sometimes there are none in a week or two. I do my Bookbub floggings, but some days, such as today, I don't see anything sufficiently interesting to dig into. Besides, my goal here is to help writers who are working on novels, not those already published.
So here I am, wondering if there's any good reason to keep this thing going if the key focus is missing.
So today you get the day off from me opining about someone's writing. I hope you'll spend the time you would have spent reading a first page here to working on your first page there.
