My robe sleeves are wet (dishwasher and changing pet bowls) and now I have that pleasurable feeling of receiving teensy kisses from Satan every time I move m'arm. I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever, so let's... Read more →
09 January 2017
06 January 2017
Mere slip of a June
It's been a month since Ned and I broke up, part two of our endless breakup. The point is that, as I have alluded to before, my weight may have been mentioned, and I was shocked and humiliated. I went... Read more →
05 January 2017
WHAT?
My friend at work, The Poet, has a birthday on December 31. Which is sort of cool in every way, except for the part where no one cares about you on your birthday. EXCEPT ME. I DID. But then I... Read more →
04 January 2017
Eddie Rabbit
When it comes to my coffee cups ("We're riveted, June!"), I tend to grab the one closest to the front. But today I really wanted my Green Bean coffee mug--it's really my favorite, and as of today I haven't had... Read more →
03 January 2017
Playmate of the month
I let Edsel out this morning, as I am wont to do, and 15 minutes later I was struck by his quiet-ness, a habit not usually reserved for Edsel. I looked out the back door... and he's eating a rabbit.... Read more →
02 January 2017
Suck zinc.
Well, here we are. My favorite day of the year. No one expects us to be festive, and thank god for that. Do you enjoy my new sugar skull calendar? Remember when I had that vintage Better Homes & Gardens... Read more →
30 December 2016
29 December 2016
Tea for the kittenman
When that stupid alarm goes off, here's what I usually do: My phone is often charging next to me, so I can get brain cancer or whatever later in life. I like to ensure my future. So I grab the... Read more →
28 December 2016
Flounce and Fisher
Do you know what it means to flounce? People have done it here a few times: It's when something on the Internet bugs you, and instead of just not returning the site anymore, you announce to the group at large... Read more →
27 December 2016
Merry Christmas Edible
I thought of writing you during actual Christmas, but I figured you had enough to do without checking in on my ass. So here's how Christmas went, and I'm sure you're pulling the chair in closer so you don't miss... Read more →
23 December 2016
Oh, good. Christmas.
Hi! [Breezes in, opens your cookie jar.] This is it? God. Yesterday morning my damn computer kept spooling at me and groaning and waving a hanky and basically my computer was Ashley Wilkes, neglecting the wood stack and gazing at... Read more →
21 December 2016
If you're not getting gel polish, you're not really living.
Now, THIS is a Christmas mug. I've forgotten to assault you with images of my Xmas cups this year, and for that your life is sad, I know. I also forgot to close the door to Steely Dan's feeding area... Read more →
20 December 2016
In which there are photos of my pets
It's been five weeks since my last root dying (bless me, Father, for I have sinned) and if you're anything like me (God help you) (very God-y post today), you know how THAT is. Roots for days. And because it's... Read more →
18 December 2016
June blogs, like it's a thing.
Yesterday was ridiculously chilly, and I barely wanted to reach outside to get the mail or to throw out the dog bed SD peed on, and now today it's warm and windy and quite lovely. Also, I've become my grandmother.... Read more →
16 December 2016
Dude looks like a Junie
I made it all week on my remaining $10, and then payday came and hello mortgage, but still, we got Christmas bonuses this year and you guys donated $10 apiece to celebrate my 10 years of blogging (oh, did you... Read more →
15 December 2016
byebyepie + 10
Today is the 10-year anniversary of me blogging, and I am certain you are delighted that day is finally upon us, as you are sick to death of my shit. (These are pictures I found when I Googled byebyepie +... Read more →
14 December 2016
June gives it up early. When I post this to FB, about 17 of my exes will nod their damn heads.
I'm just now forming the thought that all this time I've been feeding Steely Dan too much. I thought he was much younger, and those oh-so-easy-to-read instructions on his canned food said to feed him three times a day. But... Read more →
13 December 2016
Working and praying and living and dying in this town
June reflects. Cause she's shiny. There's a fine line between telling the truth as much as you can on a blog, which I try to do, and exposing someone else's story. Just because you choose to tell all your shit... Read more →
09 December 2016
That's why the Juney is a tramp.
Why does Edsel have to go outside and bark bark bark? The neighbors must hate me. Can't he just enjoy outdoors? Sniff a rock and survey his domain in silence, the way Tallulah did? But no. Instead, he tears over... Read more →
07 December 2016
06 December 2016
What is a "capade," anyway? Are there ever Land Capades?
"Oh, good. It's that time of year that June makes us look at her daily Christmas cup. And also at the makeup smudges on her desk." And her beaming-up dog. Yesterday was Tallulah's birthday, but I tried not to dwell... Read more →
05 December 2016
Oh, come let us adore June
Oh my god, hi. {flumps coat and purse in booth} I've been so busy that I haven't even had time to write you. {looks at menu} What we havin'? Are we havin' nachos? Because you know I want nachos. I... Read more →
02 December 2016
June thinks she's funny, screws up
There's a new guy at work, and they put him next to me because clearly they loathe him, and I was reading your most-hated Christmas songs yesterday and laughing out loud. Ell Oh Ell-ing, as they say. And by "they"... Read more →
01 December 2016
Xmastime is XXXciting
Okay, this isn't nearly as dirty of a post as my title made it seem. However, two of the young hot blonde Alexes came over--and, again, this is not a dirty post. But they did come over; I never thought... Read more →
30 November 2016
Does my new blog design go with these shoes?
I make the same kind of joke every time I get a new design, don't I? And actually, this one isn't done yet; we're still gonna update a few things here and there. Pretty, though, right? Remember when it was... Read more →
29 November 2016
June kvetches. How many posts start with that?
"That Santa is out in front of The Friendly Center," announced Ned on the phone. The Friendly Center is this outdoor shopping place that's probably been around since the '50s, and they keep adding elaborate stores like Apple and Anthropologie.... Read more →
28 November 2016
Coffee break
"How rich was Mr. Howell, do you think?" I asked Ned. He was helping me do things, miserable things, around the house. "Really rich," said Ned. "In the opening credits, they called him The Millionaire. ...Of course, if he was... Read more →
26 November 2016
If you do not enjoy the F word, this is not the post for you
How long do you allow between coats of paint? I'm painting my windowsill today, and please to enjoy my fine photo of the windowsill. It's like you're right here with me. If you had glaucoma. I just finished it at... Read more →
24 November 2016
Cat on a cold tile roof
(June blogs = you have something to read = avoid your families) Last weekend, I was helping Ned change his sheets because I ...sprinted over there. You know I like to do an early-morning long run on weekends. Actually, we... Read more →
22 November 2016
June runs late. Paula feels tense.
I have no idea how I ran so late today, but here it is. I was gonna tell you all about Ned letting me watch the Real Housewives reunion at his house last night, seeing as I heroically got rid... Read more →
21 November 2016
A 51-year-old woman complains bitterly about cat food. Which is not at all sad.
One of you was nice enough to send me a few cases of canned kitten food, which when I think about it musta cost a pretty penny and thank you again. The good news is that Steely Dan just loves... Read more →
20 November 2016
On the third day she rose again
On Thursday, I went to work like a normal person, and got m'roots done after. That was the last time I was living like regular folk. I woke up in the middle of the night with a raging migraine, and... Read more →
17 November 2016
The house began to pitch. And I'm a bitch.
"Marvin's getting married this weekend," I told Ned, "I feel nothing." "See? That, right there. That scares the SHIT outta me. What if one day, after all this, you feel nothing for me?" I knew Ned was pointing at me... Read more →
16 November 2016
Retro June
Yesterday at work I went back to copy editing. I asked if I could do so some months ago, and they said okay, but you have to wait till we get other editors in here, so I waited, and then... Read more →
15 November 2016
14 November 2016
For six nights in a row
SCREEEEEEEEECH! That's what woke me up this morning, a few minutes before my alarm: SCREEEEEEEEECH! "That's actually coming from outside my head," I realized, and then I wondered if someone was being murdered. Exciting! "Coooo! Cooo! Cooooo!" I heard then,... Read more →
12 November 2016
11 November 2016
10 November 2016
I really thought y'all were gonna write my name in
What I'm not going to do? Drone on about politics when half of you feel one way, half feel the opposite. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you. What I am going to do? Make you hear about... Read more →
08 November 2016
Dewey Defeats Truman
I gots to go. I have to get in the car, drive to freaking Raleigh, get on a plane and fly to Michigan. I'm running for president and thought I'd better get on the campaign trail. That would so be... Read more →
07 November 2016
Return of the Ned. Maybe.
Here's something I've told almost no one. I officially moved out of Ned's house on November 11 last year. Our deal was I'd do it while he was at work. I ended up running late. I had the last load--aka... Read more →
04 November 2016
"I Supervised June." A scathing guest post by my boss, fmr.
When I first became June’s boss, she brought up the idea of me writing a guest post for her blog—a whole “I Supervised June” thing. I said sure. Now I’m not her boss, and I have time to write the... Read more →
03 November 2016
Here come ol' flattop
I just spent forever waiting for my toast to pop up outta my Hello Kitty toaster, and as soon as I gave up and sat down here, it popped. Goddammit. Anyway, thanks for your comments yesterday, and to those of... Read more →
02 November 2016
Lily meowed the whole time I wrote this. Annoy.
Having a kitten isn't as much fun as they tell you it's gonna be. I'd like to speak to the manager (swings horseshoe hair). Anyway. Why would you even WANT to attack the paper towel roll? At least it wasn't... Read more →
01 November 2016
The Most Interesting Woman in the World. Pfft.
You may not have noticed, but yesterday was Halloween. Well, it was. Sorry if it slipped your radar. Anyway, several of my coworkers dressed as Griff, my curmudgeonly coworker. They all have his best sayings on a stick, plus they... Read more →
31 October 2016
Oh, good. I get to read about someone's trip.
I hate brunch. There's the part where you're expected to get up, WITH NO FOOD OR COFFEE IN YOU, and head to some crowded restaurant, then wait in a lobby for a hundred minutes. Then always--ALWAYS!!--some asshole party of 10... Read more →
25 October 2016
House O' Hurr
Yesterday I got my 10,000 steps in, did 35 minutes of Tracy Chapman, and then sat down to watch Real Housewives with a bag of Fritos. And this is why I hate myself. Oh, also I walked Edsel yesterday, and... Read more →
24 October 2016
Pit act-shun
Today's another Astonishing June-Hair Day. Iris can't even look at me. See what I did, there? I really need a new back door. The bottom's all rotted off, and have I mentioned how broke? What unexpected car purchase? What two... Read more →
21 October 2016
Hurl-y Girl-y
You know I hate to complain. But I barfed. You know how I am about that. If you're new here, and really? Barfing is sort of my phobia. New paragraphs let you know how serious I am. I just assume... Read more →
