Behind the Scenes of “Masters of Sex” with Author/Producer Thomas Maier

“We’re born man, woman and sexual beings.” — Virginia Johnson

It’s remarkable how such a simple fact can seem controversial and even maddening to some. Thank goodness Virginia Johnson and William Masters, MD,  pioneers in the field of sexual science, didn’t let controversy stand in their way.

Call it wishful thinking, but I’ve long felt a connection to Virginia Johnson. I certainly won’t compare my work to her legacy, but we do share major things in common: midwestern roots, independent, arguably rebellious spirits, a penchant for singing and microphones and winding paths that led us to careers in sexuality, pursued with curiosity and passion. I recently had the honor of adding another semi-commonality to my belt: chatting with Thomas Maier, the esteemed biographer who interviewed Virginia Johnson, as well as Dr. Masters and many of their loved ones and associates for his remarkable book,  Masters of Sex: The Life and Times of William Masters and Virginia Johnson, the Couple Who Taught America How to LoveAlso a producer on the hit Showtime series, “Masters of Sex,” Maier had wonderful insight to share.

In case you’re not familiar, Masters and Johnson were researchers who studied sexual response by observing people having sex in a lab. Through analyzing some 10,000 cycles of sexual response, they established four universal phases, proved that while men need a break after ejaculation, women can orgasm multiples time in-a-row, discovered that there is no age at which sexuality dwindles and proved that clitoral orgasms actually aren’t, contrary to Freudian belief, inferior to vaginal orgasms. Perhaps most notably, Masters and Johnson revealed female sexuality and our capacity for pleasure as powerful during a time in which gender inequality throughout American culture ran markedly fierce.

You can imagine how prominent THAT made my Girl Boner.  *sigh*

Book Cover of Showtime's %22Masters of Sex%22- Basic Books-Maier-2

To listen to my full with Thomas Maier interview, visit these links on iTunes or Stitcher RadioIn the meantime, here are some excerpts:

August: Of the many biographies you could have written, why did you choose this one?

Thomas: When I started this project, I was already working on another book about Dr. Spock, the baby doctor, on the consequences of sex—having babies and such. I work as a reporter here in New York for the newspaper, News Day, and I was asked to interview Dr. Masters almost 20 years ago…so I did, and I talked to him for about a half hour. It was on the days up to his retirement. When I got off the phone I wrote a story for the newspaper and I thought about it. It was one of those ideas that kept with me—the idea of a man and a woman, not married, studying love and sex, not necessarily in that order, and who then get married and become world-famous as the gurus of sex research who are emblematic of this whole sexual revolution during the 1960s and ‘70s. And then after 20 years of marriage, get divorced and they never talk about it, and nobody knows why. So to me that was a fantastic subject.

August: I think they’re two of the most fascinating people. What did you personally find most fascinating or surprising from the research process?

Thomas: Without doubt, the most fascinating thing to me was the relationship between Virginia Johnson and Dr. Masters. It began as a very unequal relationship, almost like the Pygmalion myth or if you remember “My Fair Lady,” the professor and the woman who literally is desperate for a job and comes in off the streets. It’s a very unequal relationship, between the powerful male and the subservient woman. Virginia Johnson was hired as the secretary for Dr. Masters, really didn’t have any background in medicine whatsoever, but she was desperate for a job.

Dr. Masters was looking for a  female partner that would know female doctors at the time who were interested in doing this, and as a matter of fact there were very few female doctors at the time. And the reason why they weren’t was because this was going to be a very controversial study, examining how human sexuality takes place—not by surveys, but by actually watching it in a laboratory and documenting it the way you were a map, if you were a cartographer.

So all of this stuff, the combination of the two—the unequalness and then how they became equals and how Virginia Johnson, through the dint of her effort and through her native genius about human nature, and how things work between men and women, how she became more and more of an equal with Dr. Masters. For those people who are following my book as it’s portrayed on the Showtime series, in the second series, we’re just beginning to see where Virginia is a little bit more of an equal with Dr. Masters, although he’s clearly very much the boss.

August: I’ve noticed that as well, and I think it’s so interesting, especially at that time, for a woman. The dynamic between them is very interesting. How was it, interacting with the family and those who knew them? Do you feel that they’re portrayed accurately in the show?

Thomas: I think particularly the relationship between Masters and Johnson, which is the heart of my book, and is the heart of the show, I think it’s very accurately portrayed, by both Lizzy Caplan, who plays Virginia Johnson, and Michael Sheen, who plays Dr. Masters.

In the case of Lizzy Caplan, she looks a lot like Virginia Johnson, but she also has captured that independent-minded woman’s spirit that Virginia Johnson embodied, well ahead of her time, in the 1950, 1960s and ‘70s…but I think that spirit is very much a part of young women today. So I think I’m finding a lot of young women tell me, and young men as well, how much Virginia Johnson seems of their age, even though its 50, 60 years ago when we begin the story.

Lizzy Caplan and Thomas Maier

Lizzy Caplan and Thomas Maier

In the case of Dr. Masters, he doesn’t look physically look exactly like Michael Sheen, but I think Michael Sheen has brought a real verisimilitude—I believe is the word—a real accuracy to the essence of Dr. Masters as a sort of hardboiled doctor guy who is extremely talented, very ambitious, willing to risk everything, including his family life and his profession to seek and win a Nobel Prize. Bear in mind, for people who are watching the Showtime series, he’s constantly referring to “the study, the study,” as if it’s the Holy Grail. And for an ambitious scientist, the idea of winning a Nobel Prize, it’s one of those things that does make people very driven.

August: One thing I found so fascinating about him and his determination was that even though he is this very strong, sort of dominant male figure, he also has almost no issues, it seems, with presenting female sexuality as  powerful and saying all of these really empowering facts about female sexuality when a lot of other people were not quite perhaps ready to hear or embrace it.

Thomas: As well it is. You know, it’s interesting, because here they are, they do this experiment, and what their data is showing is that women have a greater sexual capacity than men. In many ways, women are a virtual fireworks display compared to the single firecracker of a man, when it comes to sexual orgasm… So here they have this information that’s incredibly controversial, because bear in mind, Freud and Freud’s views were at the height. The male dominance of Frued’s views are inherent throughout his work and were very much reflected in American culture. So to have scientifically proven that women are not only the equals of men, but they actually have a greater capacity than men, was something that even they, Masters and Johnson, realized was something that they would almost have to candy coat.

If you go back and read their book, in 1966…the language indicates that there’s an equality in women and men in terms of sexual response, but then when you get into what they actually say, you realize that women actually are greater than men sexually and at least in terms of clinical observations, that they found in the lab. So this was incredibly controversial, and so they kind of tiptoed around it in the book. But there it is. Everybody who read it actually realized that their findings were that women had a greater capacity. This was something that really emboldened the feminist movement of the late 1960s and ‘70s. As more and more people read the book, they realized the consequences socially, politically and culturally of Masters and Johnson’s findings, and it really had a big impact on the sexual revolution of that time period.

August: What did you hope to accomplish with the story? How have people responded?

Thomas: I genuinely was trying as a biographer…to create a piece of biographical art—to try to write something that would last and would talk about these never-ending questions that all men and women think about, about their lives and human intimacy and being understood by a loved one. I think the show has been able to take my book and go even further of it, because of the nature of television.

I’m really happy that it really stirred a lot of deep questions about the relationship between men and women, and kind of underlined that misogyny or sexism is still one of the great, nagging [issues today]. It really is the last remaining civil rights of our time, I think—misogyny and men learning particularly to understand, appreciate and ultimately love women is at the heart of the story.

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To learn more about Thomas Maier and “Masters of Sex,” visit his website and connect with him on Twitter (@ThomasMaierBook).

What did you think of the interview? What do you love most about Masters of Sex, the book or TV show? Are you as hooked as I am?

10 Common Fetishes and My Chat with Sexy Superstar Gia Nova

fe·tish noun \ˈfe-tish also ˈfē-\

: a strong and unusual need or desire for something

: a need or desire for an object, body part or activity for sexual excitement

- Miriam-Webster

Why is it that when I first think of the word fetish, my brain conjures an image of a creepy dude enthusiastically sucking (read drooling all over) a woman’s bare heel? Hmm….

[Stock photo deleted. You're welcome!]

You don’t have to answer that. ;) Lucky for us non-foot-suck fans, no offense to you who are, there’s so much more to fetishes! Based on the above definitions, we all have fetishes. Healthfully celebrating them is an awesome thing. Why? Because excitement makes us happy. Happy people have more sex. Consensual sex increases happiness. In other words, the more excitement we seek out in our lives, the more gratifying our whole darn lives will be.

10 Common Fetishes

1. TRICHOPHILIA: being aroused by hair

Body hair can be seriously hot, if you’re a trichophilac. While this passion may only involve hair on someone’s head, genital, chest and even arm or leg hair can also entice.

2. AUTOANDROPHILIA: when a woman who identifies as female, imagining herself as a male for arousal

Who doesn’t love a little role-play daydreaming now and then? Wearing or evening imagining wearing a strap-on can be HOT. The male equivalent, imagining himself as female, is known as authogynephilia.

3. VOYEURISM: getting turned on by seeing others having sex

Unless you’re asexual, I hope you relate! Research shows that women are sexually stimulated by a broad range of sexual imagery, including heterosexual, homosexual and even animal sex, whereas straight men tend to be namely turned on by straight women. So basically, we’re turned on by ALL sex. It’s important to let ourselves feel aroused, however; too often, a woman’s body is turned on, but her thoughts and feelings—such as shame or anxiety—put up barriers. This also works the other way—arousal from being or imagining being watched during sex. (Yum.)

4. SADISM: experiencing or inflicting pain on another for sexual pleasure

I don’t personally relate to pain as a turn-on, but it’s super common, healthy and normal. As long as you aren’t causing injury and whatever you do is consensual, BDSM (bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism and masochism) can enhance sexual intimacy and pleasure. If you do engage, Laura Berman, PhD recommends having a “safe word,” which either partner can state to end whatever’s happening if it grows uncomfortable.

Spank ecard

5. PYGOPHILIA: a sexual passion for butts

Are you a “butt person?” Apparently many folks are, deriving huge arousal perks from rear ends. And we’re not just talking looking at or grabbing them. Many women enjoy inserting toys or fingers in a partner’s anus or having the same done for them. If you’d like to experiment with this, I have one word: MOISTURE. Diving in without lube, natural or commercial, can be pretty uncomfortable for the, er, pokee.

6. STIGMATOPHILIA: an  intense attraction to piercings and tattoos

A 2012 Harris Poll showed that of the 2,016 adults in the U.S. surveyed, 21 percent had a tattoo and about one-third said the skin art made them feel more attractive and strong. If piercings and tattoos make you feel or consider a partner sexier, both can be major turn-ons.

7. MAZOPHILIA: sexual interest in breasts

Yep! Women, regardless of sexual orientation, find breasts enticing—probably partly because our own are so erogenous. Contrary to popular belief, breast size usually doesn’t matter, unless the only breasts you look at or think about during arousal and orgasm are a particular size.

8. METROPHILIA: being sexually aroused by poetry

If reading or hearing poetry melts you into a puddle of SIGH… there’s a good chance you’re turned on. Talk about romantic foreplay! If this little diddy turns you on, it may be more of a cheesy humor fetish.

penis poem

 

You’re welcome to nab and share this “poetic” gem image on Facebook—just be sure to tag the Girl Boner page: Facebook.com/MyGirlBoner. :)

9. PODOPHILIA: foot fetishism

Okay, so my initial thought about foot-sucking wasn’t far-fetched. While this one is more commonly claimed by men, many Girl Boner’s are tickled by well-kept feet, foot stimulation and foot massage. Some podophiliacs are also attracted to foot odor and taste.

10. UNDERWEAR FETISHISM: sexual attraction to observing or handling underwear

This fetish goes beyond the fun of wearing or seeing sexy lingerie. If you have this fetish, you enjoy watching another dressing or undressing from their skivvies or the touch and feel of sexy undergarments. Seems pretty common, right? If you’re not comfy bearing it all, check out How to Feel Sexier Naked for useful tips!

To learn more about fetishes and hear my chat with Gia Nova, a celebrated burlesque and fetish performer who not only dances with fire (literally), but designs her own costumes., visit this link on iTunes:

Common Fetishes and Sexy Dancer Gia Nova on Girl Boner Radio

Gia and I talked about her path from a curious but shy young woman to a feature dancer who’s appeared in world-popular publications, including Hustler, Playboy and Penthouse, what her glamorous performances are like behind the scenes, tips for stepping into the BDSM world, if you’re so inclined, and more. I could’ve gabbed with her for hours!

FetishCon Gia Nova

You can also tune in via Global Voice Broadcasting or Stitcher Radio. If you’ve subscribed, you’ll also receive today’s episode in which I explore whether sex work should be legalized with renowned sociologist, Dr. Chauntelle Tibbals!

What’s your favorite fetish? Or the oddest one you’ve encountered? Any sex-tastic questions you’d like answered on the air? I love hearing from you! ♥

Is “Pretty” A Privilege? Thoughts From #BlogHer14

“A consequence of female self-love is that the woman grows convinced of social worth.” — Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

This isn’t an easy post to write, and certainly not one I imagined writing after BlogHer—but when you’re surrounded by inspiring women sharing their hearts and vulnerabilities, sharing what yours says only makes sense.

The conference was one of the most phenomenal events I’ve attended. Thousands of bloggers gathered to learn, laugh and mingle with likeminded others and have an overall uplifting time. On the second day, I read My Big Brindle Heart: A Love Story, the post I wrote about my bulldog Zoe, along with other Voices of the Year recipients.

As soon as I met fellow winner Ashley, aka The Baddest Mother, I was smitten. Her wit, contagious laugh, glowing smile and warmth put me instantly at ease. When they lined us up beside each other, I thought, “I’m so lucky to sit next to her!”

Voices of the Year crew

VOTY: Warming up for the show!

Little did I know until afterward that Ashley had a far different initial reaction to me. She hadn’t wanted to appear by me because I’m “so pretty,” she explained, then promptly added that the thought derived from personal insecurity. She was one of the first to hug and congratulate me after my reading, and I adore her even more for her openness and willingness to shift stances.

What “Pretty” Means

Being “pretty,” which I define as fitting society’s definition of physical attractiveness, is an odd thing. Writing about it feels even odder, particularly since I don’t feel more attractive than others. For many years, I felt ugly and awkward. I still occasionally feel that way.

Throughout my youth and into my twenties, I judged everyone’s appearance, especially my own. Because I struggled with body dysmorphia and poor body image, I often misinterpreted other girls’ and women’s discomfort regarding my appearance for dislike. I wanted people to like me, and felt few did—so much so that when I was nominated for Ice Age Queen during high school (so Minnesotan!), I thought it was a cruel joke.

Overcoming an eating disorder and empowering myself helped me reach a point of self and body acceptance I feel too few women, sadly, do. I no longer judge others or myself by aesthetics. I don’t look in the mirror and think, “Wow! You’re gorgeous!” (Does any woman?), but I do see beauty—real beauty, the kind that radiates from within and shines in the uniqueness we all have. I have “good hair days” and bad like anyone else, but I’ve learned to keep it all in perspective; in the grand scheme of things, our looks don’t matter—at least, they shouldn’t.

Here are some of the remarks I’ve heard women make about me, some frequently and from well-intended friends, in recent years:

“I want to hate you, but I can’t, because you’re too nice.”  OR simply, “I hate you.”

“I’d never let a woman who looks like her live near me.”

“Must be nice to be beautiful. You could write anything and people would buy it – it doesn’t even have to be good.”  (Said in response to a successful promotional event I ran for my novel.)

“You’re too pretty to be a writer.” 

“I’m so glad I’m not as pretty as you. It’ll be easier for me to get wrinkles, because I’ve never cared about my looks.”

“No one wants to hear ‘positive body image talk’ from someone who looks like you.”

“You look so much better now!” (Said to me after anti-depressants and binge-eating added 25 pounds to my naturally thin frame, mostly around my middle.)

Why It Matters

Trust me, I don’t mean to complain. I know that these comments have little to do with me, that many women face harsher criticism and that “prettiness” has advantages. “Pretty” women often have an easier time getting dates, make greater salary and receive better job performance evaluations, for example—largely because of the way we, as a society, perceive them, in my opinion. We’re not bullied for our appearances the way many females are. Without my looks, I never would have traveled the world as a model. As my first theatrical agent told me, “Pretty won’t get you jobs, but it will get you through the door.”

But “prettiness” also brings discrimination that goes beyond snap judgments. A study published in the Journal of Social Psychology in 2010 showed that when photos are included with resumes, “pretty” women are significantly less likely to secure interviews from female HR representatives than less conventionally attractive women. We’re also less likely to be taken seriously for jobs considered masculine and less expected to be intelligent, good lovers or nurturers of the self.

I’ve held back from openly addressing these issues due to my own insecurities—not wanting others to deem me vain, feel somehow shunned or that all of this seems trivial. “Attractiveness” has more perks than downsides, you may think, and you could well be right. Thanks to Ashley and other bold women who spoke at BlogHer, however, I’ve realized that they matter. If women can’t support fellow women, how can we move forward? Or expect negative stereotypes that affect all of us to change?

After speaking and serving on panels at BlogHer, I was blown away by people’s warmth. Many women rushed to me with open arms and shared stories of their own pets. A few cried on my shoulder. I reacted similarly to others’ posts and stories, including Ashley’s gorgeous piece, It’s All One Life. Connecting with other women in such personal ways strengthens all of us, and I feel so blessed.

Although this was my first BlogHer experience, I’m convinced it will be far from my last. Bloggers are a special group of folks, many of whom feel compelled to share their unique voices and stories. What a powerful way to change the world.

****

Fabulous related posts:

Baddest Mother Ever: The Woman Inside the Mirrror  (Ashley’s take on our shared experience. I’m sure you’ll fall in love with her, as I did!)

It’s a Dome Life: I’m Prejudice Against Beautiful Women

Jess Witkins’ Happiness Project: Top 5 Reasons to Go to BlogHer

Good Day, Regular People: BlogHer Timeline: Five Years of Gratitude (recap. 2014)

From Adult Star to Comedian: Sexy Hilarity with Alia Janine

 

The knew I adored Alia Janine the moment I saw her Twitter handle, @TheGloriousCunt. How could that not make you smile? Love at first byte, right? *ba dump* *dodges tomatoes* Um, perhaps I should leave the funniness to the pro…

The Wisconsin-born standup comedian and talk show host worked in many facets of the adult industry before trading life as a porn performer to cracking folks up from the stage. We had a fabulous chat about her career path, what she loved most about porn performing, her sex ed history and more. As expected, I had to practice zen breathing and hand-covering-mouth techniques to keep from guffawing in listeners’ ears. (Thank you, spell check, for making that read REARS!) Her series available on iTunes, Stitcher Radio and more, Scatterbrains Podcast, is not to be missed. I hope you’ll check it out!

Alia Janine Gotham 1

Ironically, the show ended up bringing light to my own career shift, from model/actress to sexuality writer/radio host. As some of you may recall, I trashed my blonde card a couple of years ago after realizing that my tendency to blame my blondness for all-things-“ditzy” wasn’t funny. On the air, I shared the clip of my performance on the “Tonight Show” with Jay Leno, where I was paid to tell a blonde joke for millions of folks live. Hearing and seeing my less empowered self stirred up all sorts of emotions. Even the uncomfortable feelings were worth it; it’s groovy to look back and see how much you’ve grown. KWIM?

blonde-jokes

To listen to our chat, learn some of the negative effects of demeaning humor and hear the blonde joke I’ll never tell again, visit the following link on iTunes.

Girl Boner Radio: Sexy Hilarity with Alia Janine

It’s also available via Global Voice Broadcasting and Stitcher Radio. If you like what you hear, I hope you’ll consider posting a simple rating and review and connecting with Alia and I on Twitter. Thanks so much for the support! ♥

What did you think of Alia’s insight? Isn’t she hilarious? Any non-sexist jokes to share with us? How could we make the blonde joke I performed more positive? (Switch “blonde” for “sleep deprived woman” or “woman on weed”? Hmm…)

Do You Believe in Soul Mates? It’s Riskier Than You May Think.

“To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soul mates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.” — Criss Jami, Venus in Arms

As a kid I visited a cemetery that held the remains of my great grandparents. I was only about five or six years old, but had already come to understand romantic notions of soul mates and “the one.” My parents had found “the one” in each other, after all, and seemed to know it instantly. Then there were all the episodes of General Hospital I wasn’t supposed to be watching during “nap” time. That show was riddled with soul mates!

As I wandered around perusing graves, I landed at a fairly new one for a boy with my same birthdate. As only a melodramatic child could, I decided that my soul mate had died too soon and laid buried under that mass of soil and rock. *sigh*

Broken heart with hands of adult and child isolated on white background

Do you believe in soul mates? Two thirds of Americans do, according to a recent Marist Poll, or more specifically, that “two people are destined to be together.” It’s a beautiful notion in many ways, but potentially risky in others.

Romantic comedies often portray a soul mate-like connection, two rocky paths merging to create romantic, often marital, bliss. What the films don’t show are the everyday challenges and realism that accompany long-term unions; true and lasting love takes work. Failing to recognize this brings mega risks, shows research. People who believe they’ve met their soul mate are often gleeful at first, said W. Bradford Wilcox, head author of a Social Science Research report on soul mate expectations published in 2010, but they often end up disenchanted, due to their impossibly high expectations.

Another study showed that 73 percent of married couples surveyed had settled for someone other than their one true love, “making do” because their soul mate got away. How sad is that? It gets worse. Forty-three percent of these people said they’d leave their spouse if their perceived true love appeared.

What saddens me about that statistic isn’t the fact that people would choose true love, but because I suspect that for many of them, the belief that a more wondrous love exists for them elsewhere keeps them from being fully present and growing in their current relationship. It’s easy to fantasize that Mr./Ms. Right could make life, or at least your romantic life, perfect, but is that even possible? If the grass is always greener in your soul mate daydream, won’t the grass in your own yard wilt away?

Quite possibly, yes. A study at the University of Virginia found that people who believed in soul mates were 150 percent more likely to divorce than people with realistic marital expectations. Yikes.

It seems to me that many folks long for a soul mate in order to be completed or fixed. “When I meet him/her, I’ll feel less lonely and miserable,” we might think. “The void will be filled, and I’ll finally be happy!” I’ve certainly been there in the past—but desperation to find someone attracts similar desperation and insecurity. I’ve also known guys who’ve tried to convince me I was their soul mate, seemingly as a way to have, rather than simply know or love, me.  I don’t think partners are meant to fix, complete or keep us. If that were the definition of soul mates, I suppose we should become our own. By embracing ourselves and living lives of passion, we can share a soul mate-type sparkle with most anyone—reserving the most for those we hold most dear.

Girl with cage and red heart

Love changes over time, but that doesn’t make it any less magical than sparkly Hollywood endings. When we hold reasonable expectations, we move from punch-drunk “I’m so high on you!” falling-in-love euphoria to a love that deepens over time. When we nurture all parts of that relationship and continue to work on ourselves, romance flicks can’t hold a candle to the unfolding gorgeousness.

I no longer believe that my soul mate died, leaving me to suffer alone from first grade on. But I do believe in kindred spirits, with whom we share a special connection and love of many kinds. I also believe they’re limitless in number. My husband’s one, my bulldog Zoe was one, and so are many of my friends.

When we choose to partner up with one special person for the right reasons, I’d hope that we all see them as a sole mate, and never feel we’re settling. I also hope that if that relationship ends, it’s not because someone seemingly better appears. We owe ourselves and our partners more integrity than that.

How you feel about soul mates and pre-destined love? Have your views ever changed? I’d love to hear your thoughts! ♥

*Don’t forget to tune into Girl Boner Radio this week! Today I’ll be interviewing porn star turned actor/comedienne, Alia Janine.

#GirlBoner Radio’s 25th Episode: A Sex-pert Celebration!

 “The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.” — Oprah Winfrey

So true, right? It can be easy to get caught up in what we haven’t done or obtained, particularly when we’re going after our dreams. While I’m a big believer in forging ahead and envisioning, I also think it’s crucial that we celebrate steps forward. Toward that end, I decided to commemorate my 25th episode of Girl Boner Radio by sharing thoughts from some of my favorite sex-pert guests and interviewing the woman who helped start it all, Dr. Lisa Masterson. In case you can’t tell from our chic party hats we had a blast. ;)

Here’s what you can expect:

Jean Franzblau, writer and star of Coming Out Kinky, answered a question about violent sexual fantasies. Counselor and activist Gabe Deem took on two questions on porn addiction. Gia Nova, an esteemed burlesque dancer I interviewed for an upcoming show, shared tips for achieving adult star sexiness at home and how to best take nude photos for a partner. Then Dr. Lisa joined me for a truly fun and inspiring chat about her life, career, podcast and listeners’ questions on sex during your period and more. I hope you’ll check it out!

To listen to or download the show, visit this link on iTunes:

A Sex-pert Celebration with Dr. Lisa Masterson

IMG_5360

While you’re on iTunes, I hope you’ll also check out Health in Heels with Dr. Lisa. It’s fabulous! You can also connect with Dr. Lisa on Twitter: @DrLisaM.

What did you think of the show? Any questions for my next sex-pert special? How do you celebrate milestones? I love hearing from you! And hope you’re having a BRILLIANT summer. ♥

 

Revealing Your Sparkle: My July 4th Wish

“I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation, where we will sparkle in the heavens forever.” — Amy Tan

Did you know that even a fairly basic fireworks display requires months of planning, a solid 40 hours just to produce the script (yes, they require those) and, on average, $3,000 to $20,000 worth of equipment and supplies? More energy, time and funds go into advertising, fire insurance and safety measures—and don’t forget all the time and energy folks invest in enjoying the festivities. Chances are, you’re among them.

Indeed, we Americans will go far out for a meaningful sparkle. But what if we didn’t have a reason to celebrate? What if, like our founding fathers and other early Americans, we had to carve out our own?

I’ve been pondering these matters a lot lately as Girl Boner work moves along, new opportunities and challenges arise and publishers take interest in my work. Next week I’ll host my 25th episode of Girl Boner Radio (holy schmoley!). If there’s one thing my show and guests have taught me thus far, it’s this: there’s never a reason to stop striving for authenticity, empowerment, passion-filled lives and the fruition of our wildest (read realistic) dreams. If ever I’m in doubt, all I need to do is listen to that inner sparkle. That which makes our heart dance paves the way. Seriously.

sparkle quote

As we gather with loved ones to commemorate our country’s independence, I hope you’ll join me in a little task. Don’t worry—it won’t take much time or money, and there are no fire hazards involved (well, unless that’s your passion—in which case, forget everything I just said! ;)). All it requires is taking a moment to consider your own sparkle. What makes you shine? What are you passionate about? What fills you with giddy butterflies? If your life isn’t chock-full of the answer, what might you do about it?

We’re so blessed to live in a country where we have ample freedom to live and express as ourselves as we see fit—but it’s easy to grow complacent, overly comfy with the comfortable. If we truly want that “something more” kind of life, though, which I suspect many of you do, we’ve got to live with passion.

As I explained on the air this week, it’s so important to be turned on by our lives. When we are, Tan’s quote becomes autobiographical. Every moment won’t fill us with metaphorical fireworks, but some will. Some days we’ll have magnificent, sky-wide displays. Best of all, we’ll be better able to light up others’ skies with our glow. In between, we can dance, play, rest, learn and dream in the clouds, sunshine, rainbows and storms, gratified by the knowledge that we’re living life fully.

An awesome TED talk I watched the other night featured a woman who “faked it until she became it.” After a traumatic brain injury lowered her IQ and confidence during college, Amy Cuddy was encouraged to show up to academic challenges every time she felt afraid. She did, and eventually became the person she aspired to be—a successful grad student and, later, an esteemed professor and researcher at Harvard. When it comes to our inner-sparkle, I think we sometimes have to fake it until we reveal it. In other words, it’s always there. If  it goes into hiding or hasn’t yet been revealed, it’s up to us to change that.

What lights your inner-fire? What are you doing about it? What could you do? I love hearing from you! ♥

Wishing you and yours a happy, safe holiday!

#GirlBoner Radio: Behind the Scenes with Adult Star Siri

“I enjoy getting to be sexually open and that I can always have this running dialogue about sexuality… To me, it’s very satisfying.” — Siri

Growing up in Minnesota and Texas, Siri, now an award-winning porn star with her own membership site, never imagined she’d one day make a name for herself in the adult industry. When a college girlfriend opened her eyes to queer porn, that all changed. “The more I watched, the more I thought, I want to do that,” she told me during our recent interview. “I think I’d be really good at that. I think I’d enjoy it.” At no point did she find the career option anything but logical and viable.

Since then Siri’s faith, work, talent and sexiness have really paid off. While the days of making millions as a porn star for most performers are over, she makes a good income doing work she loves—much of which has little to do with fucking. The passionate businesswoman spends much of her time sifting through free porn sites for pirated scenes, marketing her brand, interacting with a loyal fan base she lovingly calls her “Legion of Sirians,” and speaking out against slut-shaming and digital piracy. Also impressive? She’s turned her natural H-cup breasts that once triggered insecurity into an empowering, embraced component of her multi-faceted career.

But enough from me! To hear Siri’s take on her career, slut-shaming, feminism and more, check out our interview using this link:

Girl Boner Radio: Behind the Scenes with Adult Star Siri

 

siri-11

 

For more on Siri, visit SiriPornStar.com, read her blog and follow her on Twitter (@SIRIpornstar).

♥ We’d love to hear from you! What did you think of Siri’s insight? Do you agree that porn and feminism can pair well? What’s your take on digital piracy? 

The Truth About the “Bikini Body” (And What’s REALLY Sexy)

Since when did swimwear become so bossy? Not to mention misleading.

swimsuit-season-funny

A little history:

Did you know that the bikini dates back to Ancient Rome? Oh, yes! Archeologists have found antiquated illustrations of Roman women wearing skimpy two-pieces during athletic events. Like all clothing back then, their sole purpose was functionality. (No one wants to be whacked in the boob mid-game!) Much later, in 1946, Louis Réard, an automobile engineer introduced today’s bikini, naming it after Bikini Atoll, an island in the Pacific Ocean where postwar atomic bomb testing was happening. (Ah, the irony…)

swimsuit-shopping

Bikinis gradually gained popularity in Western cultures, stirring up lots of controversy. Considered sinful by the Vatican and scandalous by countless others, they were banned from many countries and numerous states in the U.S. Even so, they grew continually more common, largely because women wanted to wear them. Then in the sixties, Bond Girl Ursula Andress famously emerged from the sea sporting a white bikini in the film, Dr. No, stimulating a heck of a lot more bikini fervor from both genders.

Olivier Saillard, a fashion historian, called the bikini the most popular female swimwear because of “the power of women, and not the power of fashion.” Woman power, eh? So what the heck happened???

Today, bikinis are the bane of many women’s existence and an unhealthy fixation for others. Thanks to the ginormous dieting, “fitness” and weight loss industries paired with societal ideals that tell women we have to look a certain way to feel and appear beautiful, billions of dollars are invested into “bikini body” marketing campaigns, turning the formerly empowering garments into high-octane fuel for poor body image, harmful weight loss measures and complications galore.

Ugh.

If you follow me on Facebook, you may recall that I recently turned down a good-paying feature article on “cleansing your way to a bikini body.” (Did I mention…UGH?) I’m so grateful that another publication, Sexual Wellness News, was receptive to a healthier take on the topic! I interviewed a dietitian who specializes in disordered eating and a woman whose daughter’s desperate desires for a “bikini body” landed her in the hospital before her wedding, and explored ways to achieve true sexiness this summer—which thankfully has nothing to do with dieting.

Here’s a clip from my article, The “Bikini Body” Craze: Turning Body Angst Into Sexy Gains:

Bikini Body diet tips

To read the full article, visit this link on Sexual Wellness News.

I say it’s time to take the power back, into our selves and away from “bikini body” angst. If you want to wear a bikini, awesome! If you don’t, awesome! Just don’t let unhealthy attitudes about your physicality determine your goals, desires or shopping decisions. Life is too short and precious to waste our energy in such ways. Given the choice, I’d much rather be emotionally fulfilled and comfortable with myself than beat myself up in the pursuit of society’s perception of beauty. Wouldn’t you?

How do you feel about bikinis? Do you wear them? Dig them? Loathe them? If you wear them, how much do you prioritize comfort versus how you’ll look? I love hearing from you! ♥

He Can’t Get It Up: Could Porn Be the Problem? A #GirlBoner Radio Follow-Up Chat

“Growing up watching porn and expecting to be good at sex is like growing up playing Madden on Xbox and expecting to be good at actual football.” – Gabe Deem

There’s little I love more than chatting with people who’ve not only overcome trying circumstances but transformed them into something hugely positive, even lifesaving, for others. This week’s Girl Boner Radio guest has done precisely that! Gabe Deem is a counselor for teens in Irving, Texas who has shared his personal struggle with porn addiction and his pathway to recovery with countless others in hopes that they might find similar healing. I was so thrilled when he agreed to an interview, in which he shared what spurred his fixation with porn, how it affected his life and relationships, myths about porn addiction and the wonders recovery can bring.

If you find yourself relating to his story, I hope you’ll also realize that there’s no shame in your circumstances, you’re far from alone and support is available. The same holds true if your partner is struggling with addiction. Gabe runs an entire community dedicated to porn addiction recovery and ways to “reboot” your system, ridding your life of porn’s complications, and is one of the most accessible and congenial folks I’ve encountered in the sex-positive world.

Listen to our chat using the below link then check out our after-chat. That’s right! He was kind enough to answer a few additional questions for us via email. (Thanks again, Gabe!) I hope you’ll chime in afterwards with your thoughts. :)

Gabe Deem on Boner Radio — He Can’t Get It Up: Could Porn Be the Problem? 

Gabe Deem GB Radio

Girl Boner Radio After-Chat with Gabe Deem

August: How do you feel parents and schools and teachers could make a positive difference regarding porn addiction? 

Gabe: I think parents and teachers could make a positive impact on children by doing three things: Having an open and honest conversation with the child about what real sex is and isn’t, teaching them about the possible impact that watching porn can have on their brain and future sexuality, and protecting them by installing porn filters on all internet accessible devices to prevent accidental exposure.

1) For the conversation, it’s important to teach kids that porn is fake, and in real life sex should never be violent or forceful or harmful to someone emotionally or physically.

2) For teaching them about the brain, it is important they know that porn can rewire the brain to where they no longer can connect with real people both emotionally and physically, and “numb” their brain so it is more difficult to “feel” pleasurable things. For parents to get educated on this I suggest reading the material on YourBrainOnPorn.com.

3) Protecting children by installing filtering software on all devices to prevent accidental exposure. The reason I say for the “accidental” exposure, is because if I have learned anything as a boy with a computer, it’s that if I want to watch porn I could easily get around blocks and do so. This is where points 1 and 2 come in!

August: Do you feel porn itself is problematic? Or that it should change?

Gabe: I think it’s potentially be problematic, and here’s why. Porn comes in so many forms now days it’s tough to say that all of it can be problematic, especially when you have everything from rape porn to loving couples uploading their most intimate moments followed by cuddling. However, to our brains’ content isn’t the only thing that matters; it simply soaks up what you teach it.

So no matter what type of porn it is, if you are a young child watching porn you are teaching your brain that sexual arousal happens with pixels on a screen and not people in person. I look at porn in regards to sex the same way I look at junk-food in regards to organic food. It is an unhealthy version of the real deal, and can potentially have a negative impact on you.

Growing up watching porn and expecting to be good at sex is like growing up playing Madden on Xbox and expecting to be good at actual football. I recently watched the new movie The Fault in Our Stars and one of my favorite lines was “a picture of something is not the thing itself.” A picture might say a thousand words, but it can never love you back.

August: Have you seen Don Jon? If so, what did you think?

Gabe: Yes, I have. I thought it was a really good movie besides the unnecessary porn clips as if people do not know what porn looks like. There were a few things that stood out to me in that movie.

Don Jon had a beautiful girlfriend who would have sex with him, yet even after having sex with her, he said porn was better. This is important to realize because a lot of women think it has to do with how attractive their partner finds them when in reality it is more the guys desire to get his dopamine fix via the novelty, shock and stimulation internet porn provides.

But the most interesting thing to me that not many people caught was WHY he decided to finally give up porn. It wasn’t because he felt guilty. It wasn’t because he found the perfect woman who was more desirable than porn. It was because he tried to masturbate without porn and couldn’t! Yup, he realized that porn was physically screwing him up to the point where he was dependent on it to masturbate. That was the original thing that made him realize there’s a problem. If Don Jon was a real guy he would have been real close to developing porn-induced ED or delayed ejaculation.

August: What do you find most rewarding about your work and activism? 

Gabe: Knowing that people are finally getting the answers they have been desperately looking for. I get messages from guys who are suicidal and have been to many doctors and specialists that have told them that their problem is all in their head. While they are technically right, because it appears to be in the brain, they are telling these guys it is anxiety and they just need to relax, take some Viagra and get out of their office.

But when the Viagra doesn’t work and months go by with no improvement, they feel hopeless. Seeing these guys finally give up porn and regain their sexual function back, as well as the joy in their life, has been the most rewarding thing to me. I know what it feels like to feel broken, and I know how important it is to have a light shining at the end of the tunnel. When guys tell me that my story gave them light, it makes any pain, embarrassment or discomfort from sharing my story all worth it.

*****

To learn more about porn addiction and recovery, check out Gabe’s articles on the Huffington Post:

Porn: Many Teens Watch It, and Two Reasons That’s a Problem

Internet Porn Addition: Exposing Misconceptions

We’d love to hear from you! Any thoughts to share with Gabe? What did you think of his story? How has your or your partner’s addiction to porn impacted your life? All respectful thoughts are welcome! ♥

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