Back story: I grew up in a family of alcoholics. Never knew my dad's parents. They died when I was very young because of alcoholism. My mom's parents came from families of alcoholics. My grandfather left a backwoods northern town in Wisconsin, to pursue a better life. But cocktail hour was always still a thing. It just seemed normal. Christmas, Thanksgiving, every holiday, every family get together, always had drinks. I had my first beer on Christmas Eve, when I was 16, with my parents, and it was almost like a rite of passage and it felt good. It wasn't until I met my wife when I was about 20 years old, and met her family. That I started to realize that drinking all the time wasn't normal. But it was too late. No one ever told me that it wasn't normal. Over the course of the last 10 years it has become such a huge problem in my life that I just can't seem to stop. I've made huge strides, and have had huge failures. I've lied to myself, I've lied to my family, but it's just still keeps happening.

I've been sober for months at a time, but it just keeps happening. And it's my fault. I choose to do it. I always justify it by saying it's going to be a little bit, but it just starts me back on the path.

last week I was in a minor fender-bender, my kids were in the back seat. The cops came just to collect information, and they gave me a field sobriety test. I had had a few drinks earlier in the day, and I admitted that I knew that I would blow some alcohol if they gave me a breathalyzer. I was so lucky the cop only gave me an inattentive driving ticket. My wife had showed up, and she was going to drive us home. I knew I was definitely below the legal limit, but I still felt terrible. That night I went to my first AA meeting. I had never been, I had always found a reason to not go. But I finally went. And it was amazing. And they gave me a 24 hour coin. And I've been holding that coin for the past 5 days. Holding on to it like it meant everything to me.

Then last night I had a random outburst. My wife, obviously, has a hard time being close or affectionate towards me. But she still holds on. I was trying to cuddle and she said something mean about my junk being in her butt cheeks. I ran downstairs all upset. Because now I don't know how to deal with my emotions. It's really hard sometimes and I just need to take myself out of that situation and just be by myself so I don't do anything stupid. I knew I had 1/4 of a little bottle of vodka still above my refrigerator. And I fucking drank it. When I woke up this morning the bottle of vodka was in the garbage and I knew it was because my wife had found it and she threw it away. And I love her for doing it.

But I know this is the last straw. I'm sitting here in my living room waiting for her to wake up and tell me we're finally done. she's giving me too many chances to fix myself. But I know this is the end. I know there's no way she can never trust me ever again. Every minute seems like an hour. Because I know this is the end of the best friendship I've ever had in my entire life, and I'm going to lose my kids and my wife.

I end up always somehow justifying it. I just don't know what to do. And I feel completely lost and completely helpless.